Hit the Ground
by Sapphire2007
Summary: Part ONE: This is about Cuddy's attempts to get pregnant and how House gets involved...it was inspired by the song Hit the Ground by Lizz Wright. It also includes flashbacks that take us back to the early years of Huddyness. Part TWO "Six": The SEQUEL...
1. Hit the Ground

**Hit the Ground **

"It could still be Lupus", Chase shrugged and gazed at him innocently, supported by Cameron's and Foreman's cautious nods. He looked back at them. Bored beyond belief.

"Yeah, right," he grunted and stared back at the giant flip chart where he had circled the words "butterfly erythema", "joint pain" and "proteinuria". It couldn't be that simple. Cuddy wouldn't have given him this case if she had been able to solve it herself.

"Any other suggestions or should we all take a few days off to meditate over this zenfully?" he barked at them sounding even more miserable than usually.

Three perplexed pairs of eyes stared back at him.

"It's NOT Lupus!" he yelled and Cameron flinched subconsciously.

"Well, even if it's not, it obviously is an autoimmune disease. CREST-syndrome, MCTD or Vasculitis affecting her kidney vessels, any of these could cause these symptomes", she replied.

"Well, then go, check her for that before her kidneys fly the coop", he ended the unnerving to and fro of that lame discussion. Was it them or was it just him suffering from the new old pain that seemed to hit even harder now that it was coming back ? It had been very easy to forget that never ending wrenching throbbing inside his leg, that went along with his heart beat day and night. But it was almost impossible to get used to it again now. It was there, constantly present, numbing his senses, eclipsing his sharp mind until everything around him including himself faded into the abyss of the pain.

He popped the lid from the familiar "Vicodin" vial and threw in a double dose of pills sucking on the bitterness of the medication before he swallowed it along with his rage.

And then he remembered that there still was someone he could carry his anger out on. Someone who was to blame for all this in the first place. Someone who had to know how much he hurt because it would make this someone even more miserable than he felt.

He knew he was lying to himself, had he himself asked her to inject him the Ketamine. However, it was good to know he wasn't the only one who cared about that pain that seemed to reach out for him out of every corner.

With fast, heavy and irregular steps he left the room and limped down the hallway in the same old House rhythm everybody in the hospital could tell apart from any other gait.

He barged into her office as usual. Hoping to catch her doing something compromising he might be able to tease her with for the next couple of days. He had never succeeded, so far.

As always he found her sitting behind her desk going through some paperwork.

Her job sucked ! Was that really what she had wanted ? Or had she only wanted to have those expensive Manolo Blahniks she was wearing and this had been the best way to earn enough money fast enough ?

His mind instantly took a picture of all the details in that office he had entered a countless number of times before. With and without her knowing...and as always he immediately found every irregularity in it. The new pile of files on the right corner of her desk, the warm black coat and the wine-red umbrella on the coatrack, even the new shades of pink and orange in the leaves of the tree in front of he window. And the scent of her fresh flowery perfume along with the smell of green tea.

Green Tea ? What happened to the strong and smoky flavor of fresh black coffee ?

She looked up from her desk, their eyes met and her whole body seemed to stiffen in defense momentarily.

He eyed her from head to toe. Her skin was as soft and perfect as satin, had the color of the warm brown sand on Long Island beaches in the summer. Her eyes forcefully pierced through reality, as if she could cut the world and its colors in pieces just by looking at them. And her hair curled around her face in dark brown silky waves, framing the perfect beauty of the thin lines drawing her delicate countenance.

„You look beautiful", he snapped skeptically, totally distracted from why he had come to her office in the first place. She lifted her eyebrows and gave him a puzzled look.

„I'd say thank you if it didn't sound like an accusation", she replied and he couldn't help but surpessing a smile. It was hard to make her speechless.

"What do you want, House ?" she asked annoyedly. Impatiently nodding towards the paperwork in front of her.

"Why did you give me the Ketamine ?" he asked and she shrugged her shoulders in surprise. It's been weeks again now, that life had been back to normal. And he had never shown regrets or frustration over the failure of the treatment. She had made herself believe that he might be stronger than she had thought, that he might just have accepted it. But she should have known better. House was – no matter what anybody else thought - extremely sensitive and vulnerable. That was his talent, that was the key to his legendary approach to unsolvable cases. All this cocky grumpiness was just his defense, his way of trying to hide this softness that actually lived inside his heart making him susceptible to everything that went on in the world, good and bad.

"Why do you wanna discuss that now ?" she shot back, standing up and closing the window in anticipation of the yelling she was about to hear from him.

She knew he was frustrated and she felt sorry. More than that. His pain hurt her, kept her awake, made her suffer, because she had wanted him to be okay.

And because she herself was vulnerable, easily hurt these days. She swallowed that thought and focussed on him, moving towards him from behind her desk, narrowing that comforting distance between them. She felt the urge to come closer to him but at the same time she was repelled by the look he gave her. She decided not to let him get all worked up about his frustration, about his desperate need to find someone he could blame.

"You _wanted_ the Ketamine treatment. And it could have worked, but it didn't. That's how medicine works, sometimes. It _is_ sad. But that's the way it is, House."

She sounded harsh but that was just her own incapability of dealing with the disappointment she felt as much as he did. Her voice softened as she grabbed his arm, the way she'd done it before. Back then he had turned away making her believe it all didn't mean anything to him.

"I am sorry", she said, shivering inside, feeling his pain as if it were hers. She gave him a sincere look that gave him access to her most inner self. He used that access to stare back at her with such violative frankness that she started freezing.

Any other person he would have called a hypocrite but he knew she was serious and that disarmed him. He felt stripped because he knew that he had just showed her how much his pain bothered him. He had wanted to play it down, if he showed the world that it didn't mean anything to him, then maybe after all it really would lose its power. But instead it had grown and taken over him and now it was all he could define himself by.

"Great", he moaned, "so, that's what you suggest ? That I get it over with ? Accept my inevitable fate, surrender to it with dignity and find a way to balance my Qi ?"

She pressed her lips together and looked down before she could come up with the strength to look into those sad, angry blue eyes again.

"That's pathetic", he concluded and also looked down.

She shook her head. "No, it's not. It's pathetic to wallow in self-pity for the rest of your life."

"Yeah, I don't know anybody who'd do that..." he barked sarcastically and looked at her accusingly, was she the queen of guilt and self-loathing, herself.

"Fine", she replied. "If that's what you want, go for it. But don't blame anybody else for your misery. It's not your leg that makes you miserable. It's your attitude."

With these words she turned away from him and returned to her seat behind her desk. Her gaze quite explicitly asking him to leave.

Obediently he turned around and hesitated for a second when he caught sight of a small vial of something that looked like vitamin pills poking out of the pocket of her coat. His mind started working like the insides of a clockwork. Without turning around again he left the office and Cuddy let out a silent sigh of frustration when the door shut behind him.

She wished she could alleviate his pain somehow, but she knew, only a case could do that job. Occupation of his mind was all that could distract him, at least, that was the only thing she had succeeded with. That, and involving him in the donor search for her IVF. He had loved that job to her own big surprise, he had even taken some of the files home. It satisfied his inner child to have that much insight into other people's lives. He had memorized all the facts about almost a dozen different men he had selected as 'acceptable and only minorily pathetic' donors. She had never told him which of these she had finally chosen. But two of them had failed already. The third one, the 'Parachute Pettifogger' as House had called him, was her last hope. If the In-Vitro failed again she'd have to try again the old-fashioned way. It was getting too expensive and too frustrating. Plus, it was an extremely undignified procedure, sex definetely was more fun. It had been a nice break from all her unpromising dates, though, but she felt, she was looking for more than just a baby. She wanted the whole package.

Still thinking of House and probably doomed to think about him for the rest of the day, she returned to her paperwork again and pulled a seal out of her drawer, wielding her power over the hospital knowing that in fact, she was a slave of her own life.

_Three days later_

"It's an easy boring case of growing things in places you don't wanna grow things. And since our patient's too old for puberty, it's has to be a tumor. And is that just me or does anybody else see the face of Holy Mary in my tea leaves ?" House asked, still indulging in the epiphany he had experienced while staring at the green tea leaves floating around in the hot water in his mug.

"We need surgery", he then added disappointedly as no one seemed to be interested in his Holy Mary of tea leaves and poured the green dimmish liquid in the next flowerpot, for the first time realizing, that there actually was a plant in this room.

"Yeah, absolutely. And why would anyone - the patient or the surgeon – give their consent ? The MRI showed nothing, the bloodwork revealed nothing more than a slight elevation of the CRP. There's no evidence that...", Chase resisted and House cut him off.

"And that's why we have the term diagnostic laparotomy: To even cut them open when there's no evidence we have any other reason for that than the pure simple sadistic fun we take out of it. Now get your Crocodile Dundee knife sharpened and do it", House replied annoyedly and set himself in motion.

"Where are you going ?" Cameron jumped up from her seat to open the door for him. She had got used to that, trying to help him wherever she could, making him feel even more disabled than he actually was. He gave her a condescending look and she stared back at him, apologizing without saying anything. His hand came to rest on the door handle, brushed her fingers as she herself pulled back.

"I'll get the O.R. ready", House simply replied and left the room surrounded by a hazy cloud of mystery.

"Why would he do that ?" Cameron turned around and the others just shrugged their shoulders. House never bothered taking care of arrangements he had ordered, so it was clear that he needed an excuse for something. Cameron sighed, since she was pretty sure that he once again had just disappeared to pop a few Vicodins on the roof or in the deserted bathroom on the fifth floor.

When House arrived on the Clinic floor he saw that Cuddy was not in her office. He took hold of a nurse.

"Where's Cuddy ?" he grunted sensing that something was wrong.

The nurse shook her head. "Last time I saw her, was twenty minutes ago. She was heading for the ladies' room."

House frowned and stared down the hallway towards the bathrooms. He decided to wait in Cuddy's office. Once again he checked it out in detail, trying to find a hint to what was bothering him so much. He looked around. It was her office but like every woman she had not managed to resist the temptation to turn this place into the home of coziness. He even spied a half-burned scented candle on the window sill and approached it.  
The door flew open and he twitched, almost dropping the candle he had lifted to smell its scent. 'Magnolia with a hint of lime', he thought and looked at her, sheepishly.

"Will you ever stop stalking me ?" she cried and House noticed the shakiness of her voice.

"You look pale. Are you alright ?" he ignored her remark and advanced her.

She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail for the third time in a row today. And once again she wasn't wearing any jewelry, not even that pearl necklace, he hated so much. Again his mind started working.  
They met halfway in her office and she nodded in reply to his unusually caring question.

"I'm fine. And you're kinky", she looked at him rebukinly like a mother, a thin angry line forming between her eyebrows.

House leaned in towards her and sniffed the air. She flinched.

"House !" But he came even closer, trying to figure out that underlying scent that couldn't even be covered by her perfume. Finally she placed her hands on his chest and softly pushed him away. "Will you please stop the Hannibal Lecter Show ?"

House smiled winningly. "Or what ? You're gonna handcuff me, Clarice ?"

She sighed, defeated and tired.

"Please, House. Just tell me what you want, I really don't have the nerve to deal with your childishness today."

House ignored her. "Only three days ago you looked like the incarnation of Venus and today you are as white as chalk. And do I smell the playful scent of 'Eau de Barf' ?"

Her mouth stood open in disbelief, she was completely taken aback, her cheeks blushed.  
This man was good ! And that was exactly the reason why he still had this job.  
She cleared her throat and tried to resist his piercing stare. But she didn't even have to answer him to confirm that he was right.

"Morning sickness, along with the vitamin pills in your pocket and the green tea you replaced your morning coffee with. You're tying your hair in a ponytail so it doesn't get in the way when you go praying to the china goddess. Is there anything going on down there ? Any of those swimmers finally found the oyster ?"

She gasped for breath and avoided eyecontact, letting her gaze wander through her room, trying to find something to hold on to. She felt dizzy.

"I gotta sit down", she answered weakly and moved towards the next chair she could grab. After a moment that almost seemed like eternity she looked back up at him. He had not moved an inch, surprised to see that he was right.

And surprised that he felt something, that this actually got to him.

"You _are_ pregnant", he dug deeper and she nodded. Relieved that she could share the news.

"I just found out ten minutes ago." Her voice was soft and mild, almost steamy.

House's eyes investigated the expression on her face, he analyzed everything, from the way her eyes tried to avoid him, to her hand that held on to the armrest of the chair because she was still shaky.

"Correct me if I am wrong. But isn't that usually a reason to be happy ?" he asked, obviously confused by her unexpected numbness.

When she looked up again he saw tears glistening in her blue eyes, making them twinkle like sapphires. And for the first time in weeks his insane leg pain was overcast by a penetrating twitch he felt somewhere in his stomach. Seeing her that weak irritated him. She tried to hide the tears behind a bitter smile and shrugged her shoulders.

"Call it irony. Months ago I fell for the idea to have this baby all by myself. But I was completely ignoring how much of a self-deception it was to think that this child was all I needed to be happy. But a kid shouldn't be instrumentalized to mend together the pieces of a shattered life."

House was dumbstruck for a moment, obviously she had thought about this a lot in those ten short minutes. Then again, she was still a woman, after all. Thinking and caring were her hobbies.

"Yeah, you're the head of a number one teaching hospital, making more money a year than the whole Ethopian gross national product. Just by sitting on your pretty ass all day signing papers. And despite all the pain this job causes you day in and out you still look stunning enough to win donors for the hospital only by wearing push-up bras. You drive a nice German car and you grow tulips in your garden. You have handsome Mexican guys fixing your house and pretty Thai girls who clean it twice a week. The latter alone would make ME more than happy already. But I got it: Your life truly sucks."

Cuddy remained silent. She hadn't meant to sound as dramatic as it had turned out, but she was unhappy indeed, even though she knew her life was not 'shattered'. But for the first time she thought she could understand the misery that was mastering him.

"But all these things are not worth anything if you can't share them", she said.

"It's pure self-deception to think you can actually share feelings. Sharing pain doesn't alleviate it. You have to go through it alone anyway. You are always alone, no matter how many people there are in your life."

Cuddy shook her head and swallowed audibly once again stunned by his cynicism, the loneliness that spoke to her from it.

"It does make a difference. The magic of emotions is that they can be multiplied by sharing them. Just knowing about the pregnancy without having anyone to share this with, almost makes it unreal. It can never be as intense as it could be if there was someone else looking forward to the next ultrasound with you, feverishly awaiting the revelation of the gender, helping you pick names..." She paused when she realized how much she was talking about that idea of a perfect family her mother had implanted in her head years ago. Was she really falling for that stereotype picture she had always enjoyed hating and working against her whole life just to upset her mother ?

House looked at the pattern of the carpet on her floor. It was almost psychedelic in combination with the effects of his double dose of Vicodine. But he understood.  
And still he shook his head, because women were just too much of an enigma to ever really figure out what might make them happy.

"Well, now you shared it with me", he replied innocently.

She closed her eyes and smiled with a quizzical look on her face.

"Not that I had a choice to decide whether or not to share it with you", she complained wearily. "You're not going to tell, are you ?" She almost sounded beseeching.

He frowned. "Why ? Are you scared they'll find out you're not a virgin anymore ?"

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "No, it's just...I hadn't expected this to work, I need some time to get used to this idea, myself."

He nodded and moved towards her, suddenly and unexpectedly placing his hand on her shoulder. It felt strange. And tender. Warm. She took a deep breath and before she had the chance to react to this unusual sign of affection he had walked away leaving her alone in her office.

Alone with that tiny little seed of life inside her, alone with her fears and hopes for this unborn life.

_Four weeks later_

His cane knocked against the glass door before he pushed it open. He brushed a few brown dry leaves from his coat. These were the last days he could come to work on his motorcycle, soon it would be too cold. But for now he enjoyed the beauty of the autumn colors, because it was one of those fine tricks of nature that were not only smart, but also of esthetic value. Cuddy was standing in front of a desk at the nurse station, not noticing that he had just entered to fulfill his weekly clinic duty. They didn't have a case and he hadn't been in clinic for days so he had run out of excuses. However, three hours could go by quickly if he just found the right game to play today.

He had got tired of teasing Cuddy with baby names or nasty remarks about her growing breasts. GH was on reruns again and his gameboy broke a while ago. So basically, he was screwed. But then suddenly he noticed something that might be able to make his day, an irregularity that instantly bothered him.

"Top o'the morning, to you", he greeted Cuddy zestfully and came to a halt next to her. "How's the 'stomach bug' ?" he asked her imitating punctuation marks with his fingers in the air. She had asked him to remain silent over the pregnancy at least as long as she could hide it. But this was a hospital, everybody knew, that gastroenteritis usually didn't last for weeks. How naive was she ? Even the janitor knew she was pregnant.

When she looked up from the patient file she had written some notes into, he knew that he had indeed found something to occupy his mind with during the boring morning hours of clinic. He tilted his head and gave her an investigating look.

"What's wrong with _you_ today ?" he asked and she shook her head.

"Nothing, I'm fine", she replied curtly.

"Yeah, and my leg doesn't hurt anymore, either ! It's a miracle !" he snapped back.

She grabbed a file, turned away from him and walked towards an exam room. He followed her until she stopped in front of the exam room door and sighed.

"House !", she pleaded turning halfway around to look at him seriously. His eyes narrowed. "You look uncomfortable. You're buckling. Your stomach hurts."

She sighed. "It's nothing, House. I am fine. Please concentrate on the 26 other patients in the waiting room."

"But they don't have your cleavage", he complained whining and she shook her head in annoyance before she slammed the door in his face, ready to distract herself by focussing on a patient with a nosebleed.

Five minutes later he left the patient he had tried to distract himself with and returned to the lobby. A middle ear infection was nothing that was really capable of distracting him. Plus, a screaming kid was the last thing he needed today since he was low on Vicodin. And giving people prescriptions for whatever they had was usually all they expected from doctors. That and sick certificates.

At the same time the door behind which Cuddy had disappeared opened, too.  
And the room spat out an alarmingly pale Cuddy who obviously had to pull herself together not to join the line of lamenting patients in the waiting area.  
House's eyes opened wide and he was to his own surprise scared to see her in that state.

"You look like crap. You should really see a doctor. Or a good make-up artist", he told her when she approached him and grabbed the desk to bend forward relieving the pain that seemed to have won her over, completely. She stared at the desk in front of her, concentrating on the numbers of a patient's chart, trying to breathe in and out normally.

It was striking to hear that there was not the slightest tone of sneer in his voice despite the words that were coming out of his mouth. He was apparently honestly worried. And that actually caught her attention and she looked at him.

He seemed serious and she didn't know how to deal with that, because it was new to her. And she knew him too well to trust him, for he could easily turn back into that nasty jerk within seconds.

However, the cramps along with the scattered bleeding she had noticed this morning urged her to take that chance, risking that he would let her down any minute.

It almost sounded like begging when she looked him in the eyes, hoping he would deal with this like a grown-up. "Okay", she gave in so quickly that it scared him even more. "But I need you to walk me to the OB/Gyn floor", she almost whispered. "I don't know if I can make it all by myself."

His heart stopped for a moment when he understood that she was seriously in trouble. And she was asking him for help. She was forced to rely on him, the last person anyone ever wanted to have as their back-up plan for troubled situations. Her honesty showed him that her wall of defense had collapsed facing the pain, while she was still trying to hide what was going on.

"Hope you don't expect me to catch you if you faint", he replied, knowing that his own disability didn't really make him the knight in shining armor she needed right now.  
"I can page Wilson, if you want me to", he still tried to get out of this most discomforting situation, that scared him. Not as a doctor, but as the helfpless jerk he was in situations like these.

Another cramp seized her body and weakened her knees. The room started spinning around and she felt that she had to go if she wanted this to be dealt with quietly.

"Forget Wilson, can we just go ? Now ?" she asked grabbing his forearm and dragging him away from the desk.

She knew he was a coward when it came to things like that and she almost took strength out of his weakness.  
She managed to walk all the way down the hallway to the elevators without showing any signs of what at this moment seemed to tear her apart.  
House walked by her side, suspiciously observing her ready to do whatever needed to be done in case something went wrong. But her strength, her almost pathologic self-control made him feel completely useless.  
Though, when they were finally alone in the elevator, she let go, turned around and reached for him while she was taking a deep breath in, not being able to hold back a heavy tear that ran down her cheek.  
House took a deep breath and frowned uncomfortably.

"Pain's a real turn-off, we'll make out in the elevator another time," he said consolingly as her hand grasped his shoulder, clenching with another convulsion of pain.

He opened his vial of pills to help himself to some Vicodin.

"Tic-Tac?" he asked and offered her some of his pills. She slapped his hand away weakly and let go of his shoulder when the pain decreased.

"Shut up !" she hissed and rested her forehead against the cold walls of the elevator.

All he could do was helplessly looking at her. He knew what would have been the right thing to do in this situation.  
Yet he didn't have the need to touch her or comfort her because he was annoyed and angry. He didn't want to see her like that and he just wanted this pain to go away. Her pain and his...

He exhaled a silent sigh of relief when the elevator stopped on the OB/Gyn floor and the doors slid open.  
She didn't even notice that and he turned around towards her and tapped her shoulder awkwardly. She felt so much smaller than she always seemed to be.

"Hey, you wanna get out, or what ?" he said and flinched when she turned around, not even being able to look at him.

There weren't many things that were capable of making him feel his own heart let alone feel it break, but this did. He swallowed the lump in his throat and reached out for her elbow to softly guide her out.

Ten minutes later another door was slammed shut in front of him and he turned away once again. She had to go through this all by herself, it was none of his business, and even he knew when he had to step back. He didn't even want to know what would be going on behind that door, he hated OB/Gyn. It was too much blood, and too many hormones. And today it would be too many emotions.  
He wouldn't be able to deal with that anyway.

When he pushed the button for the elevator to go back down to finish his clinic duty he understood that she was right. It was all about sharing. Now she was there all by herself, not being able to share it with anyone. Having no one who would help her get through that. Having no one who would suffer from that loss as much as she would. Having no one trying to cheer her up. And he was just a useless bystander, too.

_Two days later_

"You know what's wrong with Cuddy ?" Wilson asked him rushing to his side from behind.

He had been looking for House because it had not escaped his notion that there had been something going on between House and Cuddy for the last couple of weeks. He didn't even want to know what it was, but he wanted to know if it was House's fault that she was now sitting on the bench in that secret little backyard of the hospital, wiping her tears. And trying to hide whatever had hurt her so much that it had managed to break that invincible wall that usually guarded her.

House was evasive as usual.

"Well, scientists call it PMS", he replied and walked faster hoping that Wilson wouldn't follow him to the cafeteria. He wanted to be alone.

And suddenly Wilson did stop. House hesitated and turned around. Wilson looked at him angrily, accusingly as if it was his fault that she was miserable. House looked down, almost guilty even though in this case he was innocent.

"House, if that has something to do with you, you better go and fix it."

"You mean, I should care ? Isn't that usually your part ? I am not the heartbreaker of the two of us."

"In fact, you are, House. So if you know what's going on, then go see her. She's in the patio." His voice sounded harsh almost threatening, and for the blink of an eye House asked himself if Wilson cared for Cuddy more than just as a friend or colleague. But then why didn't he wipe her tears but made him do it ?

"I'll just grab a bite. Caring always makes me hungry", he gave in and vanished in the elevator, leaving Wilson behind.

A few minutes later he sat down in the cafeteria, placing his food tray loaded with fries, a hot dog, a cherry muffin and some orange juice in front of him. And then he suddenly realized how manipulative Wilson could be. His appetite was gone and, worse, he almost felt the urge to vomit at the sight of the perfectly golden fries in front of him. Guilt-ridden as he was he got up, put the muffin in his pocket and left the cafeteria.  
All the way through the maze that the architects had turned this hospital into he asked himself why he did what he was about to do.  
But after all, he was the only one who knew.  
He was the one she had shared it with because once again he had been the first one to notice something was going on. Because he always watched every move she made. It was like an obsession.  
But to him Cuddy in all her endearingly good nature was a never ending enigma, an open book written in a secret language. Understanding her meant controlling her, manipulating her. And by deciphering her he kept coming closer, constantly invading her private sphere way beyond the limits of discretion. It was like an intimate little game they kept playing and surprisingly she had never seriously tried to stop him, apparently because she liked his obsession with her even if she pretended to be crept out by it. Maybe because that was the only kind of emotion she could get out of him. And obsession wasn't even an emotion.

He accelerated. She could not be left alone with that now. Under normal circumstances he'd have given a crap about that, but this time he knew he had to be there.

The sun stood low already as fall had taken over this part of the planet, coloring the leaves in all shades of red, pink and yellow and lowering the temperatures to the high 50s.

Cuddy felt empty. She didn't even feel the need to cry anymore. She just felt cold and lost. But she knew she'd get over this eventually. She still could have a baby, maybe that was fate's way to tell her she should stick to traditions and try to find a man first.

She heard a door in the distance, followed by the unmistakable pattern of the "House stride". Even through the rustling of the leaves she recognized it. But she didn't turn around. She actually didn't even know if she wanted him to be there. She didn't want to talk about it, that's why she had come here in the first place, because no one would ever find her here. She only wanted to get over this, wanted to forget about it and focus on moving on.

House came to a halt behind her and only slowly decided to sit down next to her on the bench. When her only reaction was a tear-loaded look in his direction he decided to stare at the trees in front of them. If his presence was all that was needed, he'd be okay. The wind carried her perfume in his direction and its fresh springlike smell pleased him, flattered him. He looked at her sincerely, studied her face while she kept staring at the emptiness in front of her, the emptiness in her life she now felt confronted with. The golden light of the fall played with the red shades in her hair while the wind made her curls dance lightly. Her cheeks were rose-colored from the cold. But it was her eyes that caught his attention as usual. They said all that needed to be said when she finally looked at him, letting go off the emptiness, facing the present again. When she saw the expression on his face she felt her heart beating faster. He was obviously looking for the right words, trying to comfort her but her eyes told him to say nothing because all that she had needed to hear, she had already seen there, in the cold sad blue in his eyes.

"Some things are not meant to be", she explained and looked so beautiful that it was hard for him to focus on anything else than touching her, feeling her soft warm skin pressed against his cold palms. It was his own incapability of dealing with her vulnerability that was feeding these thoughts until they turned into true desire. Because he had never come closer to her than that one night, the only time she had ever allowed him to see her fragility. Everything about her promised passion, because whatever she did, she never made any compromises, always gave a hundred percent of herself. And that was why he was sure she'd find the happiness she was looking for. Somewhere with someone.  
Following his intention as far as his own misery allowed him, he reached out for a curl that kept falling into her face and was driving him crazy more than her and tucked it behind her ear.  
It tickled her and at first she seemed puzzled, her eyes looking for his but he avoided eye contact as if his eyes could give any of his thoughts away.  
Realizing why he looked away she felt goose bumps rising all over her body and averted her gaze, too, when she sensed the uprising heat in her face.

He saw her blushing and muttered evasively: "It was a pretty pathetic idea anyway. After this, getting yourself knocked up by some JDate schmuck seems like an upgrade."

She smiled, more to herself, than at him and tentatively leaned against his shoulder. He gave her resistance and pushed his shoulder against hers, as if he wanted to start a competition. For a moment she stiffened but then she felt how warm and comforting it was, even though it was him, and even though this was awkward. Leaning against him like that she realized that this was exactly what she had missed about the conception of her child.

It was wonderful, yet disturbing that he was there. That he cared and that he hurt just because she hurt.

And for the first time she understood how much irregularities mattered. And why they always bugged him so much. Because irregularities showed that something was wrong, that the world was fragile. She didn't want to be reminded of that, she wanted him to be House, the annoying version she had got used to. She had found herself even fall in love with once in a while when there were no lawsuits being filed against him.

Suddenly she stood up but he didn't move, having found a break from his pain for the first time in weeks. But she seemed to be ready to move on.

"I guess we still got a job to do in there. You coming ?" she looked at him energetically and with a brave smile almost as if nothing had happened.  
The traces of mascara and salty tears on her left cheek were all that was left of this moment of fragility.

"C'mon, you know hospital gossip. We can't go back in together, you go first."

When she smiled at him her whole face lit up like the sun, her eyes sparkled.  
Unwillingly she lifted her hand and carefully stroke through his hair, that felt so soft and scrubby, moving down his neck and coming to a rest on his cheek. She could see the surprise in his bright blue eyes and decided to even go further.  
Slowly she bent forward to place a soft, sweet and totally unexpected kiss on his mouth. His stubbles were scratching and tickling her lips and she could smell the musky scent of his skin.  
He didn't kiss her back, nor did he draw back from her. He just closed his eyes, breathing in her warm creamy scent.  
She finally pulled back and looked down at him until he would look back, with a peaceful and flattered glint in his eyes.

"Thank you", she finally said meaningfully, gently brushing his shoulder with the palm of her hand when she walked away from him, her steps rustling through the leaf-covered grass.  
And he felt a smile curling his lips that still had her sweet bloomy taste on them.


	2. It's alright now

Hit the Ground Chapter 2

Four weeks later

He was clicking his way through where some jerk he had worked with years ago, had just recently published an article on what he called "a major breakthrough in treating rheumatoid arthritis". This couldn't actually be farther away from what House had to say about it. In his eyes it was less a breakthrough than a filthy fraud.

"What is it with the reviewers these days" he shouted at the person he could hear entering his office.

"Is that the Sawyers article ?" he heard Cuddy's familiar voice and turned his head at her in surprise.

She had made herself quite rare in the past couple of weeks. He knew why and he had respected that, which was odd enough by itself. But she had not only stayed out of his business, she had actually avoided him.

He figured it was because she hated being weak. Especially when he was around. And she had shown more weakness to him than she had probably ever shown to anybody else.  
Obviously she had needed a break from him to recover, to build up her wall of defense against him again.  
And he was fine with that. Less Cuddy meant less worries, less annoyance, less hormones, less yelling.  
Less fun.  
So actually he was glad she was back, his only true enemy in this hospital. Apart from the patients.

"Did you read it ?" he asked her still surprised.

"I reviewed it", was her simple answer and he rolled his eyes.

"Of course you did ! What did you get for your approval ? A new lab ? Sawyers' first born child ?"

He knew this last comment had been inappropriate and insensitive, this was her weakest spot after all that had happened. He knew it and yet he couldn't help but rubbing salt into that wound. But she ignored it.

"No. Even better. I got you upset. And that is way more fun", she answered victoriously.

House frowned. "Yeah, right. If you were Cameron I'd believe you. But you're not that obsessed with me."

"No. But it turned out to be a good study. The data were consistent, apparently Sawyers really did his homework."

"Except for the fact that all his data are completely wrong !" House interrupted her.

"Oh, right." Cuddy's voice sounded even more sarcastic than usually when she was talking to him.  
"You don't agree with him, therefore he must be wrong." She sighed and shook her head. "Grow up, House."

With these words she threw a couple of files onto his desk.

"You need to sign these otherwise the hospital doesn't get any money from the insurances."

House looked up at her. After four weeks of Cuddy withdrawal that's what brought her back into his office ? For signatures ?

"Can't you just admit that you missed me ? And why all this material girl talk suddenly ? Thought all this helping the sick and poor wasn't about the money. You need new shoes, or what ?"

He bent to the side where he could see her feet and then let his eyes wander up towards her back.

"I'd forget about the Manolo Blahniks. Liposuction would be a better investment", he stated and nodded towards her bottom.

"I need to buy Christmas presents." She replied and her voice suddenly softened. "I'll get you one, too."

She gave him an illegible smile and sashayed away from his desk towards the glass door through which she silently left his office again.

"Forget me, save the money for the boob job you could need, too !" He yelled after her and smirked when she looked back at him over her shoulder and gave him her famous killer stare.

He had missed that stare. She probably didn't even know it, but it was sexy. It made it hard not to imagine her in a leather outfit with a giant whip and a couple of handcuffs.

But he knew better. Making love to her was like sipping hot chocolate by a fireplace. It was hot and soft at the same time.

He looked at the glass door that reflected the red light of the setting sun behind his back and leaned back in his chair.  
Content and at peace. For the first time in weeks.

Cuddy came to a halt in front of the elevators and smiled to herself. She didn't even know why she had been trying to avoid House at all costs. She wasn't even sure if she had done it on purpose or if it had only been her subconscience. Was it because he reminded her of that secret they shared or because she just wouldn't have been able to deal with him. But apparently dealing with him distracted her. She felt much better now. She should have done this weeks before.  
Maybe he had just confused her with his sincerity, with all his caring. Ironically that was what she couldn't have dealt with in the first place.

None of that was left now. And that meant that the world had been restored to its original setting.

The elevator doors slid open and she stepped inside, pushing the button to go back the ground floor.

_ flashback  
_

_It had been years ago in a different hospital, under very different circumstances and in a much smaller elevator when they had first met. _

_It was her first day of her Microbiology clerkship in the Department of Infectious Disease.  
She was way too early, as always. And she was lost in the hospital.  
She was just on her way back up on her last attempt to find the right ward before she would return to the main entrance where she would consult the directory again. The elevator was packed with people and she squeezed in and tried not to move, not to touch anybody. Having just learned all about germs she was - at this point - too paranoid to trust other people's hygienic standards. _

_Her eyes instantly made contact with another couple of blue eyes. They belonged to a man, a few years older than she was, who was apparently wearing his private set of dark blue scrubs and a white T-shirt under them. There was something about him that she couldn't quite figure out but he had definetely caught her attention with whatever that was. _

_On her way up the elevator emptied, one person after the other left and in the end it was just her and the man in the dark blue scrubs. _

_When they finally reached the 9th floor they both got out and Cuddy gave her fellow traveller a nervous smile before she turned into the other direction to look for the resident she had been assigned to. _

_Dr. Gregory House. _

_A sick moron, but a genius. That opinion was canon in medical school. _

_She seemed to be on the right floor and a nurse finally sent her to the on-call room, not being able to hide her pity for Cuddy. She knocked against the door and found herself facing the guy from the elevator again. _

_  
„You're following me, or what ?" he barked at her and she sent a last – minute prayer to heaven that this was _not_ Dr.House._

God must have hated her, though. It was_ Dr. House._

When she had finished introducing herself to him he let out a whistle. 

_  
„How come I always get the hotties without the brains ?" _

_  
Cuddy had been warned though, so she was prepared, she was literally armed to the teeth with sarcasm and her medical knowledge._

„I am second best in my class", she therefore replied dryly, not flinching, not blinking, not breathing, not doing anything that might have made her look human. 

_  
„Yeah, second. I bet the best in class is a real ugly chick", he snapped back viciously. _

_  
Cuddy held her tongue, this was her first day, she didn't want to screw with that doctor before she had even had the chance to prove that she was indeed a very good student. So, instead of snapping back she just stared at him.  
A piercing stare that went straight through the forebrain and down the spine. If stares could kill, then this was the mother of them all. _

_Gregory House smiled when he felt that stare tingling its way down his spine._

„Oh, this is gonna be fun !" he concluded merrily and opened the door again to leave the room, leaving her behind without any instruction for her four-week rotation.

She followed him down the hallway when he unexpectedly turned his head and yelled at her over his shoulder:

„Okay, kiddo. You're gonna be following me everywhere I go, don't let the door to the men's room come in your way. And - I like my coffee black with sugar !"


	3. Rise and Fall

Two days later – Present

Cuddy's heels made clapping sounds on the steep stairs when she was mounting the rooftop of the hospital. Ever since she had known him he had been hiding on rooftops.

When she pushed the door open an icy wall of winter air hit the skin in her face and she shivered. It was only late afternoon, but the days were short now and the sun was already setting again. She hadn't seen daylight in over a week and even the dark red shades of this late autumn afternoon managed to blind her eyes for a moment.

When she spotted House her heart skipped a beat. It almost scared her to death that he was lying on the balustrade of this roof balcony. Only inches away from a 130 feet deep fall. But she managed to shovel that thought into the back of her mind, focussing on what she originally had climed up for. So she marched towards him, getting her weapons ready to shoot fire.

They hadn't talked much over the past weeks. But he had managed to keep himself out of trouble for quite a while and she had been thankful, whether he had done that on purpose or not, she didn't care. It had taken weeks to rebuild that wall of defense she needed in her position. It had been torn down the moment she had realized that she was about to lose this baby and that House was the only one who was there for her.

Had he not been there she would have had to deal with this all by herself, but having an ally in this had ironically weakened her.

Because she had enjoyed that grumpy shoulder to lean on. Apparently he had enjoyed it, too, because only that could explain these looks they had exchanged over those silent weeks of avoiding each other. These completely non-verbal encounters had been their only way of communication and yet she knew that everytime their eyes had met he had actually wanted to know if she was alright. He was a helpless sociopath and still he managed to somehow still do the right thing, only sometimes in a very disturbing and odd way.

„There's a park for recreational purposes, you know", she started their conversation when she was sure he could hear her over the distant noise from the traffic and the whispering wind brushing through the leafless trees.

He didn't look at her. „Yeah, but unless there's a giant rabbit hole you cannot really jump anywhere in a park, can you ?" he replied and she hesitated.

Did he really come here to think about committing suicide ? Or was that just him trying to manipulate her, to distract her from the actual purpose of this conversation ?

She stepped a little closer and stood on her tiptoes to see how deep he would fall.

She got dizzy.

„But do you have to challenge fate like _that _? You are already a pain in the ass, God knows what you'd be like if you were a paraplegic !" she said dryly.

He moved his head to the side and looked down. Cuddy had to keep herself back, the motherly protective impulse to keep him from falling raging inside her, trying to turn her into everybody's lifeguard. He gave her an unimpressed bored look and then gazed back into the falling darkness above him indulging in the sweet nothingness of an empty boundless sky.

„Don't worry. I'd be dead if I fell down here", he replied as if he were miles away.

She looked back at him.

„Yes, but as long as you're still alive you have clinic duty to do. And I haven't seen you around here much in the last few weeks", she continued and leaned over him so that he was forced to look at her while she was talking to him.

„But you seemed to get along pretty well all by yourself all that time, didn't you ? I didn't hear you complaining", he said, moving his head to the side so that her face was out of his sight again.

She closed her eyes unnervedly. If they kept on playing that game he certainly would fall down.

Having the same thought he decided to sit up in a sudden movement, waving his arms for a second as if he were losing balance.

Cuddy rushed over to grab whichever body part she could get a hold onto first to keep him from falling. But he just jumped to his feet and smiled at her winningly.

He had tricked her once again.

She rolled her eyes in disbelief and shook her head.

„You know very well that during those last weeks I had residents cover clinic for you. But I have to grant them days off now, they have worked extra hours just because you have to sleep away your hangovers every morning."

„Sleep is the only time when I'm not in pain, how sadistic are you to deprive me of that only luxury I have left ? You did a good job assigning clinic duty to the underly privileged. This is a hospital, there are loads of doctors ready to suck up. Let them do clinic duty."

„But this isn't their job. It is YOUR job."

„Then make it their job. You're the boss", he simply responded.

„But his isn't about staff issues or reassigning jobs. You know that very well. This is about principles", she stated.

„I totally agree. And it's my principle to never do clinic duty", he said, thereby ending the conversation and threw a satisfied look of victory at her.

He looked back at the horizon where the sun had vanished in the darkness of the early nightfall.

„You are such a philistine", he complained. "This could have been a by-the-books-impressionist sunset until you showed up. Now it's all Frida Kahlo around here", he ended the in his eyes still pointless convresation and limped away leaving her standing in the chilly evening breeze.

She frowned, puzzled, not getting a word of what he had said.

And she had been wrong. She had not regained all of her strength yet.

Obviously it had completely escaped her memory just how much of an ass he was.

Because she knew he wasn't. She had always known that, she just didn't know where to find that switch that turned him into Mr.Niceguy-Mode.

She wasn't even sure if there was a switch or if his random acts of kindness just happened to be absent seizures.

She looked around, inhaled the misty air that was loaded with the tension of an uprising storm. She sighed and left the rooftop asking herself for the umpteenth time why she had hired him. And she gave herself the same answer fort he umpteenth time, too.

_Flashback_

„_Dr. Lisa Cuddy – Dean of Medicine" she read and put the nameplate back to its original position on her desk. She still couldn't believe that she was running this hospital now.. And according to the awards and certificates shining at her from the walls and the window sill, intimidating whatever male staff member came in here to question her authority, she was good at her job. But was she good enough to deal with that upcoming challenge ? _

_She hadn't seen him for a while. Last time they had met at a conference but never made it past the small talk. _

_However, as a doctor you never forget the first patient that dies under your supervision._

_And he had been with her that night, watching the July 4th fireworks over the city, when her beeper had gone off. _

_Funny enough, she had considered him the only honest person around her back then. _

_Her only friend, so to speak. _

_In medicine it was always all about competition and he had never been her competitor. _

_He had helped her at least with three cases when she was still an intern. _

_Never expecting anything in return, but also never crediting her with any respect. _

_And yet she had seen that spark in his eyes, that told her that he did respect her, for whatever reason. It was a weird, complicated and non-defined relationship. _

_It reminded her a lot of matter and anti-matter. _

_Can't be together, can't be apart. _

„_Why do you want to hire me ?" he asked when he marched in to her office._

_Unannounced, without knocking, without greeting her. She looked up from her desk and stood up. _

„_Hi", she hesitated and then formally added. „Dr.House." _

„_Cut the niceness, I know you can do better." He replied. _

„_Sit down." _

_He obeyed and eyed her. _

„_Are those wrinkles around your eyes ?" he asked and leaned in to get a better glance at her face. _

„_It was late last night," she replied curtly, pulling away from him in her chair. „Can we please talk business first and then continue showing each other pictures of the kids ?" _

_He ignored her and reached for the empty coffee cup on her desk, which seemed to be a gift from the National Neurofibromatosis Society. _

„_You know that's what you get for being bossy. Wrinkles, addiction to at least one toxic substance and a fat ass." _

_She already regretted having invited him to her office. But if she really wanted him to run this department that- up to now- seemed to be a sinking ship, she had to get used to that. _

_She stood up and leaned forward_

„_House. Focus. I want you to run my diagnostics department." _

_He grinned. „Told you years ago, that Fuller was a moron. He can't tell the difference between a heart attack and a heartburn." _

_She smiled back. „I know that now, too. I also know that you haven't had a long term position in over three years. And with that lifestyle of yours I am pretty sure you are broke by now. So I am offering you a job tenure." _

_He frowned. „Why ?" _

„_You are a good doctor." _

_He shook his head. „You really don't have to hire me to get into my pants, you know." _

„_I've been in your pants and it wasn't all that noteworthy, so get over it", she shot back and he flinched. _

_Her smile widened. He was after all still a man, and hurting his atavistic pride was all she could come up with at the moment._

„_So…" he continued after he had recovered. „…what is that deal about then ?" _

„_You get the department, you can choose three fellows you want to work and mess with, you get a paycheck every month, you get to see all the cool cases of the East coast, you're basically your own boss. Except for the fact that I am your boss, really. Which is why the downside of all this is, that you'll have to spend at least six hours a week in the free clinic of this hospital."_

_Her voice cut through the air like knives, sharp, unmistakable and just as sexy as he had remembered it._

„_Free clinic ? Do I look like I wanted to join the MSF ?" he replied. _

„_No, but it sure won't hurt you since you have your own department and slaves who'll be doing most of the work for you. You'll just be the think tank. Isn't that exactly the kind of job you'd want ?"_

„_The kind of job I want is the job you can give me without making me do those free clinic hours. Free clinic is gross, diagnostically boring and has the most annoying patients. If you had spent an hour in that you'd know that yourself." _

„_I _am _ actually spending hours in the clinic which is why I need another good doctor to cover it since I have a hospital to run. Come on, I know there's not a single better offer out there for you. This is the best you can get with an ego like yours. And this is a one-time-offering. You either take the deal or I'll give it to someone else." _

„_You already have someone else ? Then why hire me ?" he frowned. _

„_Because you are the better diagnostician", she lied without turning a hair._

_In fact, she did have someone else but that someone wanted to get paid a lot more than her superiors were willing to pay for that position. _

_House would have to take this deal, she knew he currently had no job, doors kept getting slammed shut into his face. She had done her research on him pretty well. _

_House knew she was lying. But he didn't know the truth, either. _

_He looked around, scanning her office trying to understand this woman she appeared to be now. He felt old seeing her sitting in that chair behind the expensive desk, loaded with all that power. Only a few years ago she had been an intern and now she was about to become his boss ? That was one exemplary career she had pursued. And still she seemed to have remained the same. _

_He had always liked her because she never got intimidated by him, always yelled back, paid him just as much or as little respect as he had granted her. She was honest and knew what she wanted. And apparently she wanted him. But why ? _

_This was definetely not about sentimental reasons. She knew him too well. _

_And still her eyes never lied to him, he knew she liked him for who he was which made her special. Because for some reason she could see through his wall and sometimes he thought that she might even understand him, which was pretty impressive since at times he didn't even understand himself. _

_But did he really want that woman to be her boss ? With that past they shared ? _

_Usually he let sleeping dogs lie, especially German shepherds like this one, but this offer came with exquisite timing, indeed. _

_Times change__d. People didn't, but that didn't mean things inevitably had to repeat themselves. _

_In fact, if there was any boss he could live with, it was Cuddy. He knew how she functioned, he knew how to manipulate her and he also knew she was not a hypocrite. _

_She just knew what she wanted and she always took it. _

_He frowned __again and clicked his tongue at the end of his thought process. _

„_You know this isn't going to be fun for you" , he warned her. _

„_I know that. But it's not in my job description to have fun." _

„_Ok." He simply agreed to their deal as if she had just offered him a cookie._

_She let out a silent sigh of relief. She knew he would be a pain in the ass. He wouldn't wear his lab coat, he would show up whenever he felt he had had enough sleep, he would insult her and her staff and he would probably try everything to stay out of his clinic duty. _

_But he was the best diagnostician she could think of. And now he was hers. _


	4. Thunderstorms

Hey guys, I really don't know how many people are actually reading this story – I'd be happy to get some fb just to know if I am writing this story only for myself – but just to let you know:

There will be more action in this coming up. I am sorry that up to now this is mostly about dialogues. It's just that I am having fun exploring why they are the way they are. Which is why I always post a pair of a present scene and a flashback, that always belong together in some way. I hope you still enjoy the story. If you don't, or if you find it boring or if you find any mistakes please let me know.

Thanks ! So on with the story, off with the rant :0)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

A few days later

„What are you doing ?" she shot at him when she entered her office and found him sitting behind her desk staring at her computer screen.

He looked up at her.

„You seriously went back to JDate ?"

„House !" she yelled and switched the computer screen off.

He looked at her sheepishly.

„You told me to be here at 10 o'clock sharp and the only one who's not here, is you", he complained, pouting.

„It's 9.30. And you could have waited in the chair just as any other decent person with a sense of privacy would do", she admonished him knowing she could as well just ignore him and continue with why she had commanded him to her office in the first place.

„So, what is all this sudden eruption of bitchiness about ?" he asked.

She closed her eyes, tired and annoyed.

„You're unbelievable, House", she started. „And I am getting tired of it. I've been covering your ass for years, I've wasted a 100 million dollars on you, I have screwed with several other doctors to keep you and I am just about to lose another staff member to your incredibly disrespectful and disgusting abusiveness."

House lifted his eyebrow.

„Who squealed now ?"

„The ICU nurse."

„She's a fat bitch."

„She is a great nurse."

„Still has a giant ass. Even bigger than yours. And absolutely no sense of humor. Get rid of her. I know a bunch of girls that are just as smart as she is, just with a way more delicious ass. Plus, they are cheaper. Only thing they can't do is kissing on the mouth."

Cuddy closed her eyes again and turned away from him, rubbing her forehead with her hand.

„Headache ?" House asked and flinched when Cuddy suddenly turned around, a thin line of anger forming between her eyebrows.

„Ok. You stretched it way too far", she hissed. „I am so tired of your constant floor show of cynicism. There are other people in this hospital who do great jobs. In fact, there are other people in this world. Why can't you cut all this crap for once and do your job without trying to upset everyone around you ?"

„Because it's boring ?"

She leant on her desk and bend over to him, who was still sitting comfortably in her chair.

„I know you, House. You hate hypocrisy but in fact, you are one giant hypocrite yourself. You push everything away from you pretending that you don't care. But in fact, you do care."

She hesitated and stared at him frankly, her eyes sparkling with rage.

„I know you do" , she added with a much softer voice and gave him a meaningful look.

„I don't care about complete strangers who don't care about me either", he replied not breaking the eye contact for a second.

He liked it when she got mad, because it showed that wild side she usually had so perfectly under control. And apparently now she was really mad.

„So am I a stranger ?" she asked sincerely. "Would it hurt so bad to bite your tongue every once in a while ? You can't seriously be doing all this to get my attention, to upset me, to annoy me. Because that is what you are doing. It comes all back to me. Your boo-boos become my worries and I am getting worried a lot."

She was serious and he knew that. He was sure this wasn't about that whiny nurse, she was throwing a whole load of frustration he had caused her at him. But why now ? He had been an angel during the past few weeks !

„House, this isn't about you", she added, lowering her voice again. "It's about me, too. I don't care that nothing is of value to you, but I do care when it starts giving me migraines."

„I can provide you with excellent pain medication. Works fine for me", he answered and knew that this was a mistake at the same time.

She was not in the mood for his jokes. Something must have upset her majorly and he didn't know what it was.

His eyes narrowed.

„This isn't about me at all, is it ?" he started digging where he had sensed the treasure.

She sighed, defeated, but remained silent.

„You are mad at me because I was the trigger of a chain of events that messed with something of value to you."

He lifted his finger and pointed at her. Her shoulders dropped.

„House. You may not have a life but you know well that I am trying to have one. And it's not helping when I get called away from my dates because some thin-skinned nurse is flipping out while taking care of severly sick patients just because you called her a dumb elephant in front of half the ICU staff. All I want you to understand is, that whatever you do, it has consequences on others and I happen to be at the end of the chain reaction. Always. And now the ball just bounced back to you. All I ask of you is to show some sign of remorse. For me."

House remained silent for a minute almost as if he was seriously thinking about her words.

„So you wanna see that guy again ?" he finally broke the silence and she gave him a puzzled look.

„What guy ?"

„The date you got interrupted at by that elephant. Cause I really need to know if he's worth it that I bite the bullet for a moronic pachyderm."

„I think your life is worth it because at this point I am really close to my boiling point and you do not wanna know what'll happen when I get really mad at you."

„You get more wrinkles ?" he asked and lifted his eyebrow.

She folded her arms and straightened up. He was so obnoxious that at some times she asked herself just how much more she could take of this until she would finally need to get professional help from a shrink.

„I have a chainsaw in my garage, you know", she said almost kittenish, lifting her eyebrow playfully.

_Flashback _

_There was a storm coming up and the moist smell of rain was already dangling in the air__, when Cuddy was waiting for her boyfriend to pick her up just as they had arranged it that morning. They actually had agreed to meet two hours earlier, however, he wasn't there. So she knew he'd probably not show up at all. He was a nice guy, just really not reliable at all when it came to things like that. She was sure he was lost in the library somewhere, having forgotten about time while perusing some medicine textbook, word for word._

_He was a geek. She was a geek. They were in the same year, they studied together, they lived together, they shared their books. They shared their friends and they showed up at parties together. This thing between them had more characteristics of a symbiosis than of a relationship. But it was convenient and kept her from getting distracted by flings. _

_While she was still considering her options she suddenly heard a voice approaching her from behind. _

„_You are leaving early."_

_She didn't even bother to turn around when she recognized that voice._

„_I am a student. I am not getting paid for whatever slave job you assign me to. It's 10 p.m. I've got exams at the end of the week. I am leaving", she said coldly. _

„_No you're not." He replied and she turned around._

_She had just completed her second week of a really dreadful clerkship experience and she was tired of him already. After she had held her tongue most of the time throughout this whole time she found this to be the right moment to fire back at him, since he was the reason why she was still standing here where she should have been two hours ago already when the buses were still running on a fifteen-minute schedule. She looked up at him. He was a lot taller than she was, but she didn't feel intimated by that at all, she was used to standing up to people taller than her. Her facial expression petrified, a thin line forming between her eyebrows. _

„_Are you seriously thinking you can treat me like you were my boss ? You are no one, only a resident. I am a student. I have rights because I am paying for my education, you are getting paid for what you do, you only have duties. One of them being teaching. And harassing people not being one of them." _

_She continued the rant now that she had talked herself into it._

„_I heard a lot about you, House, and I am not gonna give in like the other medical students. I am going to complete this clerkship with an A and there's nothing you can do to mess with me." _

_House looked at her, impressed and smiled again. _

„_Actually I was just going to say that you were not leaving since you were obviously waiting for someone to pick you up. But now that you brought that topic up…Your diagnosis on that rash was bullshit. It was a Parvovirus B 19 infection, simple diagnosis but atypic presentation. Anyway, treating that patient with steroids for Lupus as you suggested would have been a really bad bad thing to do." _

_He gave her a self-satisfied look, knowing he had won this fight. Even in the dim light of the hospital entrance he could see her blushing. Clearing her throat in embarrassment she turned her head away and looked around trying to cool down. _

_Obviously her boyfriend wasn't coming to pick her up any more and it was going to start raining any second but she only had one option left now: Getting away from Dr.Egomaniac._

„_Well, I'm leaving. I obviously have things to look up in my textbook", she replied meekly._

„_Bus won't come in the next thirty__ minutes, you might as well stay here where it's safe and dry."_

„_Safe ?" she asked amusedly and shook her head. „Thanks, but I'll walk", she replied curtly, setting herself in motion. _

_The moment she set foot on the street it did start raining and she closed her eyes, accelerating her gait, muttering silent curses to herself. Within a few steps she was soaking wet from the warm summer shower, but she pressed her lips together and walked even faster, feeling his amused stares piercing her back. _

_She finally reached__ the bus stop and pushed herself in between five hospital employees, who were cramped under the roof of the tiny shelter at the bus stop. _

_She was trembling but didn't know whether it was out of anger or because she was cold. _

_Five minutes later a car stopped in front of the bus stop and a window got pulled down. _

_Cuddy rolled her eyes when she realized who was sitting inside. _

„_Want a ride ?" he asked and Cuddy looked away hesitatingly and still mad at him. _

_But a gaze at her watch told her to be reasonable at this late hour, so she swallowed her pride and her stubbornness and got into his car. _

„_You couldn't have told me that you had a car five minutes earlier, could you ?" she couldn't hold herself back and gave him a sinister look. _

„_Then I wouldn't have been able to see what you're wearing under that shirt" he grinned and she looked down on herself, realizing that her wet T-Shirt was now as good as transparent and revealed her black lace bra. She felt herself blushing and was glad that it was dark. _

"_You are an incredible asshole" she mumbled and he nodded agreeingly. _

„_Yah, but it's fun." _

„_I am sure it is. For you", she agreed sarcastically and stared out of the window. _

_When his car stopped in front of her apartment twenty minutes later she couldn't get out of it fast enough. _

„_Thanks", she almost inaudibly murmured and slammed the door to his car shut to run the few steps to her door through the thick watery curtain of rain. _

_When she was looking for her door keys she heard another door getting slammed and looked up. _

„_Forgot your books. Would be hard to look upParvovirus B 19 without your Infectious Disease textbook." _

_She ripped the books out of his hand and uttered another frustrated „Thanks" through clenched teeth. She realized that he wasn't more of an ass than most of the other residents she had met. He was just an ass who didn't try to cover it but was actually proud of it. _

_Which – when she gave it a second thought – actually did make him a bigger ass. _

_She sighed. _

„_Ok. This is how it's gonna work" she said, tired and defeated, realizing that she obviously had to be the grown-up in this game. _

„_I will come to the ward every morning, I will do pre-rounds with or without you, I will do what I need to do to take care of the patients assigned to me, I will examine them, keep notes on them and I will present them to you. And you will teach me what I need to know. But I will NOT do your filthy paperwork any more, I will NOT do rectal exams you should be doing. I will only do what serves the purpose of learning what I need to learn to get an A. The other students have remained silent over your abusiveness but I won't. I know you still need to pass your step 3. So teach me, don't yell at me for nothing, don't humiliate me in front of the patients or the nurses, because otherwise I'll report you to the Dean." _

_He smiled. „And then what ? You think you'd be the first one to complain ?" _

„_No, but I'll be the first one to tell them that you sexually harassed me." _

_He smiled again. _

„_Why are you smiling ? This isn't funny." _

_He nodded. „Oh this is. Look at you. You are only an undergraduate and yet you are already a bossy bitch. You're gonna make it to the top !"_

_He stared at her with his eyes twinkling lusciously. _

„_What ?" She answered, irritatedly looking down on herself, then she nervously swept a wet strand of hair that was sticking to her cheek away. _

_But instead of answering her he suddenly leaned in towards her and gave her a forceful, almost ruthless kiss. _

_Their faces were wet from the rain and she had goose bumps all over her body, shaking and trembling from the cold. _

_But suddenly she felt heat rising in her body and she felt herself being pushed against her apartment door when she opened her eyes again and realized what they were doing. _

_Her heart stopped. Her mind was numbed, but her reflexes fortunately were not. _

_With all her strength she managed to push him away__ glaring at him. He leaned back and looked at her. Satisfied, aroused, albeit also a little shaky. _

„_Wouldn't want you to lie to the Dean" he grinned and turned around to go back to his car, feeling a strange lightness that made him actually feel the smile on his lips deep inside. _

_She wrapped her arms around her book trying to find something stable to hold onto while the world was still spinning around. Her eyes followed him until his car had disappeared around the corner. She was still speechless and very confused__. But then her lips curled and a winning smile rose on her face. She was so going to get that A. _


	5. Out of Control

Thanks guys for the reviews ! On with the hotness :0) I am slowing things down a little more again because the next post is gonna be pretty intense.

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A month later in the Present, it's Christmas !

House was stomping through the entrance hall and felt tired. The automatic glass door opened silently and the world blew a cold breeze into his face. He looked up and saw a few scattered snow flakes dancing their way down to the ground. It was the first White Christmas in years and he had to admit that there was something to it, it did make people get all warm and fuzzy. So he was glad that he spent Christmas with Wilson and without Bonnie this year, because while "warm and fuzzy" could be nice for some people it could also reach a dangerous level of annoyance in women who, for some reason, always managed to turn Christmas into one giant orgiastic feast of emotions and decadence. And Wilson was already woman enough for the two of them.

He checked his watch as he stepped outside.

Of course, Wilson was late. Christmas was the number 1 holiday for people with helper syndrome. He was probably giving Christmas presents to the kids on the cancer ward.  
At moments like this House wished he were a smoker, then waiting here on the outside of the hospital wouldn't look so pathetic. He decided to open the Christmas present Cameron had given to him earlier and pulled it out of his pocket. It was a very small box, neatly wrapped in shiny blue paper. He seriously hoped it was not an engagement ring.  
At this thought he had to smile.  
The door behind him slid open again and House heard the bossy clacking of high heels.

„Merry Christmas", he heard Cuddy's voice and turned around to look at her. She looked festive and her outfit was really inappropriate both to the season and to the job as a hospital administrator.

„You going out ?" he asked her not being capable of taking his eyes of her cleavage that was framed in the dark red velvet of her dress. He blinked and frowned.

„Is that a maternity dress ?" he added with a weirded-out look on his face.

He hadn't realized that "unfavorable" was the style of this season. Her eyes widened in defense but her lips couldn't manage to form the words she wanted to say.

Instead they curled into a coy smile.

„You should be wearing a scarf, it's really cold", she said.

„Duh !" he replied and made a funny face that almost made her giggle.

He looked away from her and stared at the snow which was twinkling in the light of the hospital lanterns that lid the way to the parking lots. In the corner of his right eye he saw her rummaging around for something and turned his head back towards her. Before he could even see what she was doing he felt something soft and fleecy being wrapped around his neck. It felt like cashmere. He raised his eyebrow and looked at her bemusedly.  
Their eyes met in one of those wordless yet time-stopping gazes they shared every once in a while. Her lips parted and she gave him an open and wide smile that made her whole face light up as if the sun had just decided to rise in her eyes.

„Perfect match with your eyes. Just like I thought", she almost whispered and took her hands from his chest where she had put them after she had swung that scarf around his neck.

House felt uncomfortable because he realized that he was touched by that gesture.

„Did Wilson get one, too ?" he asked and she shook her head.

„No. He got something else", she replied dreamily and he had no idea how he had to take that.

He was just very glad to know Wilson was spending Christmas at his place.

„Are you two celebrating together ?" she asked as if she had just read his thoughts and he nodded.

„We got Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now and Casualties of War on DVD. Wanna come ?"

She snorted. „Very tempting, but no, thanks."

She paused and then looked at him again, soft and relaxed. „You two have fun."

With a last enchanting smile she turned away from him and pulled her coat tighter around her, cautiously making her way through the slippery snow on the ground.

‚Cute', House thought to himself and wondered how a grown up woman in her position could manage to keep that playful aura surrounding her wherever she went. Or maybe this was the reason why she was in that position. Because she liked games. Just as much as he did. He felt a smile on his lips when he saw her vanishing in the dark of the parking lot.

When suddenly a tall figure appeared ouf of this dark and joined her side he tilted his head irritatedly. His eyes narrowed as he was trying to identify that figure and he felt uncomfortable. So much that he didn't even hear the door sliding again, this time unloading Wilson.

„Is that Cuddy ?" Wilson followed House's stare when he found his attention completely absorbed with two dark shadows moving across the parking lot.

„Let's go", House replied and started following the shadows.

„You're gonna slip, it's really icy !" Wilson shouted after him and then decided to join him quickly so that he could eventually catch his friend if he fell.

House ignored the twitching pain in his thigh, he didn't even slip, the winter edition of his cane had a spike and with every forceful quick step it pierced through the thin layer of ice covering the ground, giving House pretty strong footing.

„Seems like she has a new boyfriend", Wilson declared as House came to a halt in safe distance to where Cuddy and her companion stood in front of what appeared to be his car, a fancy, shiny German car. She laughed about something he must have said and when she bent her head back he suddenly grabbed her and started kissing his way up her neck till his lips met her mouth.

House and Wilson stood silently, gawping at the picture in disbelief, like two teenagers.

„That guy is all over her. Certainly has good taste", Wilson finally commented on the scene, notably admiring that man for whatever he had that he could make a woman like Cuddy fall in love with him.

„Yeah, if he's into bondage", House answered, with a touch of grief in his voice.

„Should we throw snow balls at them ?" Wilson asked boyishly, leaving House in doubt whether that was a serious question or just a way of distracting him.

House's eyes stared at him, he seemed deranged. Wilson frowned.

„Is this…bothering you ?" he asked and added: „Seriously ?"

House lowered his gaze and turned around.

„No", he replied sulkily and went away towards Wilson's car. „I'm just mad I forgot my camera", he shouted back over his shoulder making sure that Cuddy and her boyfriend would hear the word „camera" clear enough to be distracted from what they were currently engaged in.

But it did bother him. And it bothered him even more that it bothered him.  
Apparently the only kind of emotions he could feel were of destructive nature.  
When he felt happy he felt the urge to mock and humiliate people he liked, because it was fun, it made him laugh. When he felt healthy he felt strong enough to hurt others. When he felt satisfied he took things that satisfied others away from them.  
That was just how he was. He loved the circle of perceiving and being perceived.  
How involuntary feelings of pain, misery, love or hope that flooded his conscience out of nowhere stirred his behavior while it was his mind that controlled the intensity of his actions and always intentionally pushed the limits further than emotions would push them.  
Still emotions managed to hold him back sometimes even now. But tHohings he did got reflected, he perceived these reflections and that affected him and therefore ultimately could he make his emotions controllable by his very own actions.

This time he felt jealous, though. And that was completely uncontrollable.

_Flashback _

_She almost choke on her sandwich when she heard his name being mentioned at the noon conference. __Dr. Gregory House.  
__She knew he was still in this hospital, but she had never seen him again, ever since that Infectious Disease clerkship.  
__He was really repulsive, yet definetely a better kiss__er than her boyfriend back then. _

_They split up weeks ago when he had got an internship in another state, they both had always known very well that this relationship wasn't based on true love. Still, she did feel a little lonely now, she had got used to him quite a bit during those last four years._

_Her attention got caught again when his name was called a second time.  
__Did they just say that Dr. Gregory House won this year's Ann Arbor Excellence Award for Nephrology ? _

"_Did they just say that Dr. House won this year's Excellence Award ?" she had to ask the resident sitting next to her and got a nod of admiration for an answer. _

"_He is incredibly smart. His social skills are outrageously ouf of line, though. I have no idea how he made it through residency without being killed", the resident said to Cuddy and Cuddy smiled to herself. _

"_So he just finished residency ?" she asked her colleague again and received another nod. _

"_Appears he has an oversea__ins fellowship which isn't at all surprising to me. Who would ever wanna recruit him ?"_

_Cuddy shrugged her shoulders. "Well, if he's that smart I am sure there's a way to deal with him." _

_The resident chuckled._

"_Obviously, you don't know him !" she replied and stood up when the audience of the noon conference started applauding the recipients of this year's awards who were lining up in the front. _

_Of course, _he _didn't show up. But he would certainly join the party, he always showed up at parties. For free food and drinks, as he used to explain that. _

_However, she obviously really didn't know him that well since__ he suddenly did appear out of nowhere and she wondered why she hadn't seen him in the lecture hall before. He was one of the seven people in this room not wearing a lab coat. Lining up next to a fellow she had been on a date with a few weeks ago he seemed a little nervous, uncomfortable and barely made it through the speech the chief of their department gave.  
__After what seemed to be the longest three minutes of his life they were allowed to return __to their seats and for a moment she thought he had spied her among all the other white coats.  
__But he hadn't. _

_Instead she felt her heart rate rising and decided to grab another bite to eat from outside the lecture hall. _

_There were still a few slices of pizza and a sandwich left, accompanied by donuts and twinkies and a box of fresh fruits. She decided to take the last vegetarian sandwich, a pear, another cup of coffee and a chocolate donut since she was on-call.  
__On-call was just another word for "Excessive craving for unhealthy food", but she was fine __with that, there was no way she would gain wait during her internship, because there was no time for food. Also there was no time for a social life for sex respectively, so the only sin left was eating chocolate. _

_On her way back in a pharm rep handed her a pen and a pocket guide to lab results which she gratefully accepted, trying to balance her food in one hand while stuffing the presents into her pocket with her other hand, opening the door to the lecture hall with her elbow at the same time. When she felt someone pushing against the door on the other side she quickly stepped aside and dropped her donut and her pear. _

"_Great", she moaned through the sandwich she held__ in her mouth with her teeth and bent down to pick up her lunch. _

_The person responsible for all this didn't bother to help her, he just stood still waiting for her to get up again. _

"_You're blocking my way", the person complained and Cuddy looked up in surprise, the sandwich still trapped between her teeth, making her look like a doll from the muppet show. _

_She got up and took the sandwich out of her mouth. _

"_Congratulations on your award", she managed to say even though she felt like yelling at him for messing with her on her 36-hour-work day. _

_His eyes narrowed as he looked down at her. _

„_Do I k__now you ?" he asked, having a sudden flashback when their eyes met. His pupils widened as he recognized that well-known stinging look of disbelief mixed with the the uneasy facial expression of hurt pride._

„_I __was the medical student who refused to do rectal exams on her clerkship at Infectious Disease last summer", she quickly summarized herself and instantly saw that this did ring a bell, she was just too curious to know whether he remembered her because of her constant refusal to play by his abusive rules or because of the kiss. _

_His eyes told her that the latter applied. He smirked. _

„_Right. Bossy ! They actually let you pass the exams ? Already killed someone ?" he asked indifferently and used her speechlessness to walk past her to get to the elevators, not looking back at her even once. _

_She turned after him __and shook her head in disbelief. Why did she always feel so stripped in situations like these ? _

_With furiously sparkling eyes she turned away and went back into the lecture hall, not being able to finish her lunch but aggressively ripping her napkin into tiny pieces instead.  
__That clerkship had been one of her best and worst experiences in med school. She had learned incredibly much from that man, not only about medicine, but also about standing up for your rights. He had stuck to their deal, had refrained from humiliating or yelling at her in front of people, but he had __had his own special ways of torturing her.  
__He was one example of abusiveness. Most of the times she hadn't even realized how abusive he was until she had come home from her clerkship days feeling dreadful, bursting into tears questioning her whole career choice, but toughening up eventually. _

_And receiving an A by the end of that clerkship. _

_He had never tried to kiss her again and apart from his usual sexist remarks he had never tried to come on to her, but that tension hadn't disappeared ever since.  
__And only within those few seconds in the doorstep of this lecture hall had it__ returned to full bloom.  
__He was a heartbreaker, the kind of man you wanted to hate but couldn't help falling in love with. _

_She hated him._


	6. Drowning in your Kisses in the Well

December 26th at night, Present

Cuddy was sure she could hear the snow falling outside. The world sounded so silent, yet one could clearly hear that something was going on outside. Every once in a while she heard a crackling sound as if an icycle was bursting into tiny crystals, then she heard the wind silently brushing snow from the branches. The noise of the traffic got swallowed by the white blanket covering the streets so that everything sounded as if life had slowed down.

Her fingers were crawling the dark curls on her boyfriend's chest and she felt his warm regular breath in her hair.

At moments like this she was in sync with the world, completely content and calm, almost contemplative. And somehow these moments always made her think of House. Because she feared that he would never have the luck to feel exactly what she was feeling now.

And while it made her ultimately sad it also made her hope that she was wrong about him.

When she realized that she had pondered herself awake she carefully lifted her head from her boyfriend's shoulder and wrapped herself in her bathrobe, scurrying through the bedroom towards her bathroom. She closed the door behind her carefully and got herself a glass of tap water.

Smiling and at the same time cursing all men in the world she lowered the toilet lid and sat down on it, thoughtfully sipping her cold water.

Her eyes caught sight of the pile of pregnancy tests she was keeping under her sink. It was a little obsessive, admittedly, but every time she thought she was pregnant she took at least 2 tests. The more you bought the cheaper they got so she had grabbed 20 of them from the shelf.

Things were getting serious with David, the man in her bed, the man she'd now been dating for over three weeks. He had seen the pregnancy tests the first night he had stayed over. And it didn't seem to bother him that she wanted to get pregnant, which was very gentle and sweet of him. That was exactly what he was: gentle and sweet. She had started trying, silently, taking all kinds of herbal boosters she had bought in Chinatown.

If this was going to last, she didn't know, but as long as things were smooth she wanted to take advantage of this, she had nothing to lose, except time. It still didn't feel right, though. She knew that was not the way it was supposed to be.

When her stomach made a bubbly sound she got up and sneaked off into her kitchen where she took a cup of yoghurt out of her frigde and walked over to her window where she leaned against the cold glass and looked outside. After a while her eyes got used to the darkness and she could see how much snow had fallen that night.

Time went by too fast.

Only a few weeks ago she had brushed the auburn leaves from her car window on her way to work.

Only a few weeks ago she had been pregnant with a stranger's child and now that she gave all that a second thought she realized how wrong this had been.

House was right, after all. It did matter. Who you were, whose baby you were having, whose genes you mixed with your own genes. Apparently, she was in too much of a hormonal frenzy to judge her own actions.

That House had advised her of thinking this through thoroughly had been a huge step for him.

This had been the first time in many many years that he had allowed her to see so much of him, to see that he cared, that he was sensitive and actually had a sense of privacy and decency. It had confused her because it was so much easier to believe that he really was an ass she could confidently hate, than actually recognizing that he was probably the most wonderful person she had ever met.

For over five years she had been a witness to his relationship with Stacy, at times being Stacy's only refuge. So she knew that it was a rare event that he left this cage of his inner self.

He only did that with people he trusted in.

But somehow she felt that it was more than that, this was different, new and very old at the same time, since they had been there before, years ago.

Was this constant mocking, upsetting and humiliating her his awkward and immature way of showing how much he cared ? Was that the reason why he kept sneaking into her office, why he observed her food pattern, why he monitored her menstrual cycle, why he never missed a chance to make a joke about her bottom, no matter how inappropriate, off-topic and far-fetched it seemed to be sometimes ?

Did House have actual feelings for her that went beyond feeling sexually attracted to her ?

She tossed the empty yogurt cup into the bin next to her kitchen table and went back to her bedroom where she carefully slipped under the sheets to nestle to David who silently purred in his sleep.

Wondering why they had turned into what they were now, wondering about the chances they might have missed and those that were still out there for them she finally fell asleep.

It didn't matter after all. She was with David now. And House was just not an option. Had never been one. She had always known that.

Yet, she was not able to let go...because she cared.

* * *

_On the evening of the Ann Arbor Excellence Award Party_

_It had been the busiest 36 hours of her life, so far. Most of the time she had found herself__ running around on her high heels asking herself how stupid she must have been to wear high heels on her first 36 – hour – shift. _

_Eventually, just after the sun had set, her beeper remained silent for the first time since her quick lunch break where she had bumped into House for the first time in a year. _

_And she took a deep b__reath, went down to the food vending machines to buy herself some "dinner" when she passed by the ceremonial hall where the award ceremony was still going on. _

_She stopped and allowed herself to watch it for a while. Most people were dressed up, only a few white coats happened to have escaped their shifts for a few seconds, just like she was doing it now._

_She pulled a face, pouting, jealous. She hated residency and __wanted to get that over with as fast as possible. One day she would receive an award like this, too. Her ambition hardly knew any limits in her career and right now she felt like she was so far away from what she wanted to reach that she feared she would never make it. _

_And then she__ saw him, sitting in his chair at a round table, all dressed up but incredibly bored, annoyed, playing with the wax of the candle on the table. A shiny award standing in front of him. All the others at his table seemed to enjoy their time but he looked as if he were far away, only physically present at that table. _

_She pulled back before he could spot her and sat down on a chair in the nearby waiting area of the clinic. _

_Her muscles were sore, she was incredibly overwhelmed with tiredness and piggishly__ gulped down a cup of bitter black coffee. _

_Her shift was almost over and she could hardly wait to get home. _

_That very same thought her beeper went off__ again. She sighed, grabbed the wrapped sandwich she hadn't even had had the time to touch yet, stuffed it into the pocket of her lab coat and marched back to the ward. _

_It wasn't until three__ hours later when she was finally free. For 24 hours. _

_Which was when she had to come back for her next 36 – hour –shift. _

_Her dinner __now shared that tiny space in her pocket with a bunch of tongue depressors, three syringes and a pair of gloves. She went to her locker room, got rid of her coat and took the dinner out of the pocket to eat it on the way to her car._

_The air outside was thick and heavy, loaded with humidity. The temperatures were rising now that it was almost July. Her bones were achy and her skin was cold from the air conditioning inside the hospital, so she indulged in the warm coat of the summer air, taking a deep breath while tiredly strolling to her car. _

_A sudden voice ouf of the darkness __almost made her scream. _

„_You're not joining the party ?" _

„_After a 36-hour-sh__ift ? No", she replied into the direction out of which the voice had come. _

_When she looked a little closer she saw that it was__ House who was sitting on the engine hood of his car, the award shining from the roof of it. _

„_You are not there, either" she noted and approached him hesitatingly. _

„_Yeah, because it's a__ bummer. They don't even have strippers." _

_She looked around. „__So, where's your family ?"_

_Many of the young fellow__s had brought their parents or at least their fiancés and partners to that party, but he seemed to be here all by himself. Not that that was a surprise. But this was something big. It was a very high tribute to receive this award, not just within Ann Arbor but nationwide within the world of Medicine. _

„_Not here", he replied after a pause. _

_He sounded__ as if there was nothing that he could care less about but she looked at him provingly and lifted her eyebrows in surprise when she realized that this actually meant something to him. Had she just seen a spark of disappointment glistening in his eyes ? _

„_I somehow figured they weren't exactly the Waltons. But you must have parents. Or were you brought here by Aliens ? Would definetely explain a lot", she added and smiled cautiously, feeling unsettled by his vulnerability._

_He looked at her and __had misery written all over his face, which almost broke her heart. He was sitting on that engine hood like a wounded puppy. _

„_They couldn't make it. They sent me a__ cheque, instead", he apologized for his parents' lack of decency and stared at her annoyedly. _

_They remained silent for a second. _

„_Don't you wanna__ go home ? You look horrible", he said grumpily and she nodded. _

„_I _feel_ horrible. What are you gonna do ?" she replied and stared at the bottle of scotch his fingers were embracing. _

„_Celebrating" he said curtly and lifted the bottle in a tired movement._

_Cuddy looked up into the__ cloudless sky, desperate and cursing her own caring nature. _

„_You're not gonna drive home, are you ?" _

„_You nuts ? I'm plastered. It'd be totally irresponsible to drive home", he lectured her mockingly. „You drive me home." _

_She swallowed. _

„_Well, I was just gonna offer you that, but since y__ou asked so nicely…" she answered defeatedly and grabbed his award in a limp, yet still elegant movement. „So let's go. I'm tired."_

_She turned around and walked away towards her car. _

„_Can't" he replied and tried to climb down from his car helplessly. _

„_Oh my god !" she groaned__ when she saw how drunk he was and went back to help him down. _

„_Next time I'll just walk by and tell myself that the voice I am hearing out of the dark, is just a voice in my head telling me to go home as fast as I can to get the sleep I des__erve after a 36 – hour – shift", she growled. _

„_Stop the whining, just gives you wrinkles. Plus, it's pathetic and lame since it__'s actually the 48 – hour – shifts that really break your moral." _

_She laughed out loud as she was pulling him to her car. _

„_Moral ? I wouldn't have expected you to even be capable of spelling that." _

_He grinned and __followed her unsteadily. _

_He had fallen asleep by the time they got to his place and she slapped him__ roughly when she opened the car door on his side. _

„_Hey. We're there.__ I think. You weren't really a help giving me the directions to your place."_

_She tried to be as ruthless as she could be and yanked his arm to drag him out of her car._

„_You're trying to rip me apart, or what ?" _

_He managed to get ouf of the car by hi__mself but hesitated when he finally stood straight and looked at her. _

„_What is it ?" she asked fearing the worst. „You're nauseous ?" _

_But before she had even finished that question she was covered in his vomit. _

_She closed her eyes and took a deep breath of smelly air. This was the third time in over 36 hours someone puked on her. In a way she was already getting used to it, only that this time she didn't have a lab coat to protect her. _

„_Thanks." She looked at him. „You're done ? I think you left out a spot on the right side of my shirt." _

„_You're funny, Dr.Cuddy", he said and realized that he was feeling much better now that he had got rid of all that nauseating stuff in his stomach. _

_Her driving style was de__finetely not suitable for passengers with blood alcohol levels above 1 per mill. _

„_Yes, and you a__re drunk. Let's get you inside", she agreed and added to herself that humor was the only thing that kept her from killing this man at this point._

_She hated herself for bei__ng as nice as she was while she was pushing and dragging him towards and through the door of his apartment building, down the hallway to his apartment and through his door where she let him fall onto a sofa. _

_The smell of vomit made her nauseous, too__, and when she knew him safe on the couch she looked around. _

„_Where's the bathroom ?" _

_A tired nod to the right made her follow these directions. __Still feeling very nauseous she went through his things in the bathroom until she found a drawer containing first aid equipment. Ignoring the countless numbers of condoms and the drugs he must have illegally stolen from the wards she finally found a Reglan, a couple of Vitamin B pills and an Alka Seltzer tablet. Swallowing the Reglan along with a few sips of water she went back to him with the vitamins and the Alka Seltzer dissolving in a glass of water._

„_Here. That'll minimize your hangover. I'll get that vomit out of my clothes if you don't mind"__, she added when she moved back into the bathroom. _

_A glance at herself in the mirror told her that she had to agree with him: She did look horrible. Looking down at her clothes she realized that he had done a really good job vomiting on her. She got out of her shoes and then decided to get into the shower fully dressed. It was a warm summer night, she wouldn't have to wait for her stuff to get dry, she just needed it to smell good again. _

_So she stepped into the shower__ and turned the water on. _

_When __it started soaking her clothes and she felt the scent of vomit getting weaker and weaker she finally closed her eyes. _

_The world faded away and she slowly started peeling off her clothes, layer for layer, rubbing in loads of shower gel and rinsing them thoroughly to make sure the vomit scent wouldn't come back halfway on her drive home._

_Finally she was naked and the warm water was running down her back, relaxing those tense__ muscles that were almost numb by now. _

_A blister on her foot had opened hours ago an__d by now it was bleeding, drawing a thin red line on the bottom of the shower. She turned around and opened her mouth towards the shower head she was holding up high, feeling the water drops tickling her palate and her tongue. When she rested her forehead against the cold tiles of the shower she felt how her spirits were coming back to life. The musky scent of House's shower gel lulled her completely and she felt that the room started spinning. _

_Suddenly a cold breeze came into the shower from behind, crawled up her back and raised goose bumps on her arms and legs. _

_She opened her eyes__ in horror and turned her head not believing that he had just crossed that line, not believing that she had forgotten to lock the bathroom door. _

„_Get. Out !" She yelled at him irately, his eyes blitzing him. _

„_I nee__d to take a shower. This is my apartment. So I am taking a shower", he replied simply and seemingly unimpressed by her nakedness. _

_Her mouth stood open and she stared at him trying to figure out which was the best way to kill him while he took the shower head out of her hand and s__tarted rinsing his hair. _

„_Nice ass", he added casually and she turned around to him, too furious to seriously focus on the incredible violation of her privacy and also too furious to realize that he was naked as well. _

_She g__rabbed the shower head and tore it out of his hands again. _

„_You will take a shower__ AFTER I finished taking mine", she snapped at him. _

_For a second he seemed taken aback but quickly came to his senses now looking at her. _

_He eyed her from head to toe and she couldn't help but notice the effect her appearance seemed to have on him. _

_When he __suddenly came closer she flinched and felt the desire to scream. _

_But she had everything under control. Up to now._

_She looked at him skeptically and for a moment everything seemed to stand still. _

„_You aren't really drunk, are you ?" she finally realized and couldn't believe that he had been such a gr__eat actor to get her into his apartment like that. _

„_I am. Just not__ as drunk as you thought I was", he replied and smirked, trying to control the dizziness that flooded his head. _

_Now he was only a few inches away from her when she understood that she didn't even care. She was too tired, worn out, sore…in fact, she was completely out of her mind. _

_And she hadn't had sex in a while. She was an intern. Interns had no social life, no sex, no fun, __no sleep. _

_A sudden feeling of longing crawled up inside __her and washed her mind blank, like the water from the shower had washed away all the dirt of a 36-hour-shift including House's vomit._

_When his fingertips touched the skin on her hips and tenderly caressed their way up she shivered and her arm dropped weakly, still holding the shower head that was now only rinsing her feet. _

_But then s__he threw all her principles overboard and decided to take what she wanted before he would take what he wanted. _

_She didn't want to be the one seduced here, so that this time it was her who kissed him first._

_The shower head fell onto the ground with a loud clanking noise and sprayed its warm wa__ter upwards against their legs. _

_She kissed him just as forcefully and ruthlessly as he had done it a year ago when they had been standing in the rain in front of her door. _

_And he kissed back, feeling the cold wall of the shower tiles he go__t pressed against on his skin when she pushed him, taking what she wanted._

_He felt light-headed and almost weightless, when he pulled her__ petite body against his, feeling the warm softness of her skin that managed to smell like peaches and mangos even through his shower gel. He closed his eyes and let his mind slip into the sweet nothingness of his arousal while he wished he could breathe and taste her at the same time. _

_T__his time they didn't stop after the kiss. _


	7. Interception

Pure white light woke her up the next morning. She turned to her side and saw that David was still asleep, his pillow wrapped around his head to keep the daylight out of his dreams. She smiled and stretched her muscles, feeling light, comfortable and safe. Energetically she jumped to her feet and reached out for her robe again this time leaving the bedroom to make some fresh coffee.  
Just when she was about to reach for some oranges she could squeeze she heard a knock.  
A gaze at the clock told her that it was still very early, too early.  
The world outside was completely covered in snow, who would want to leave their house on a day like this ?  
She figured it was a neighbor who was about to ask her for some milk or butter, so she picked up her mug out of which steam was curling its way up into the air, surrounding her in a cloud of exotic coffee flavor and walked to her door.

When she opened the door she cringed, not just because it was cold outside...

"What are you doing here ?" she asked him feistily and after she had recovered from her initial shock to see him on her doorstep on her day off.

"Walking my imaginary dog. You wanna come ?" he answered innocently and took a few steps backwards when she joined him outside, shivering, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"I'll give you exactly three minutes to go away", she whispered well aware of the silence her neighborhood was lying in. And well aware of David's jealousy when it came to her job.

"You sleep naked ?" House asked her in disbelief when he noticed that she wasn't wearing anything under her robe. "It's really irresponsible to do that this time of the season. The twins are obviously freezing."

He pulled back, looking at her smugly and Cuddy nervously folded her arms in front of her breasts, feeling uncomfortable being eyed from head to toe while standing in the snow, hardly wearing anything, almost freezing to death. Her eyes widened in annoyance.

"I'm going back inside."

"I'm coming with", he jovially stated and tried to follow her until she turned around and laid her hand on his chest, gently but very determinately.

"Don't even think of it !" she hissed and went inside, slamming the door behind her knowing for certain that now David would probably be awake.  
But David seemed to be her minor problem at this point since she knew House would stay out there until he would get what he wanted.  
But what did he want anyway ?  
She sighed and opened the door again, staring at a very coy pair of blue eyes.

"Obviously you came her for a reason unless you now totally lost it and went into the stalking business. So what is it ?" she barked at him.

He handed her a file.

"Thought you might wanna take a look at your patient's labs before she's dead", he said.

She frowned.

"There's nothing wrong with my patient", she muttered uncomprehendingly.

"Okay. Can I have that case then ? Cause you're about to kill that woman."

"She's fine, she's mine. And I am not killing her", she responded.

"Yeah. Tell that to her kidneys that are shutting down this very minute."

"What ?" She felt her inner alarm going off and gave him a startled stare.

"Creatinine is through the roof", he calmly told her holding a lab report up in front of her eyes.

She shook her head in defeat.

"Wait here. I'm coming out."

With these words she shut the door again leaving him outside in the cold. He stepped closer and rested his ear against her door.  
A satisfied smile of evil spread on his face when he heard the voice of a man inside. And that voice didn't sound too pleased.

Cuddy had promised David to give him her full attention over the Holidays knowing very well that this was absolutely irresponsible and actually also impossible in her position. When she realized how upset he was she wished she had never made that promise. But he was not the kind of man who expressed his frustration in loud fights. Instead he sat down on her couch, switched on the TV and pouted. He stared at a Martha Stuart clone who was trying to sell a porcelain duck and answered Cuddy's apologies by muttering "It's okay, don't worry, I'm fine" over and over again.  
Finally Cuddy rolled her eyes, knowing that nothing was fine, gave him a sad kiss on the cheek, grabbed her coat and hoped he would still be there when she would return.

House's face lit up conspicuously when she opened the door, now fully dressed, wrapped in layers of warm clothes, her scarf swung around her neck, wearing shiny black boots and gloves that matched the color of the scarf.  
Noticing that he was wearing the scarf she had given him she smiled to herself silently as she proceeded to her car.  
He followed her and she stopped, turned around.

"How did you get here ?" she frowned.

"Floo powder, chimney, it's a pretty cool trick."

"I didn't know you were into Harry Potter novels", she answered not without a touch of amusement in her voice.

"I'm not. But apparently you are", he started bantering and she proceeded to her car.

"I haven't had breakfast yet...", he hinted after she had fastened her seatbelt.

He gave her a sheepish look and somehow it suddenly it began to dawn on her that something was really fishy. She furrowed her brow.

"My patient isn't actually dying is she ?"

"She sure is. But not before we've had breakfast."

She turned around in her car, looking at him from the side, her mouth open in exasperation.

"You did not just screw with me by disturbing me on my day off which I actually intended to spend with the man I-"

"-love?" House finished her sentence and she was baffled for a second.

"- like", she irritatedly corrected him completing her sentence.

"So you don't like me ?"

"Not at this moment, no", she shook her head trembling with anger.

"The good news is that you are really wrong about your patient, so you have to go see her anyway."

"There are actually other doctors covering that today. Because this is my day off !" she repeated raising her voice.

"Yes but they are just as wrong about he diagnosis as you are. So let's grab a bite to eat. I'll explain it on the way."

Cuddy bit her lips and started the car. She didn't say a word for the next twenty minutes, listening to House's thoughts on her patient, oscillating between hating him and thanking him for being the brilliant doctor he was.

"What do you want ?" she asked him wearily but still accompanied by a touch of aggression in her voice when she finally pulled over in front of a Dunkin' Donuts.

"Twinkie. And a box of munchkins", he said and added a canting "Please" combining the fake politeness with the best puppy face he could pull.

He pulled his wallet out of his coat pocket and threw it over to her.

"Get yourself something, too, you really need to gain weight if you're still trying to get pregnant", he mumbled gruffily.

She caught the wallet and nodded, accepting what she regarded as an apology for his way of interfering with her private life, messing with one of her last chances to find happiness.

Tossing the bag of goodies into his lap, feeling awkward and annoyed at the same time, she got back into the car five minutes later.

"So, how serious is this with him ? You guys picking out the china patterns already ?"

"I guess after you're little interception it'll be more about 'Who gets to keep the ugly crystal vase on the shelf'", she coldly snapped at him.

House looked out of the window, stared at the snowy landscape that was so white that it hurt his eyes.

"I think you really like him", he finally concluded and looked at her.

She chuckled bitterly.

"Yah, but he doesn't like the life I am leading, so I guess it's not really going anywhere", she responded and then realized why she was feeling so awkward.

Because she was spending her day off in a car with House, eating breakfast out of a paper box, talking about her screwed relationship to a man who himself was totally uncapable of social interaction of any kind.  
The awkward aspect of it being that she felt calm and relaxed.  
But she blamed it on the winter landscape.

"You eat like a pig" she finally stated when she saw how he was stuffing the munchkins into his mouth as if there was no tomorrow.

"And you drive like a snail", he snapped back and thereby destroyed any motives for further communication, with the two of them remaining silent until they reached the parking lot on hospital grounds.

"Looks good on you", she said softly when the car came to a halt.

He eyeballed her cluelessly and she added: "The scarf I got you ? Looks nice."

Something in her voice must have deranged him because he nervously scratched his ear and averted his gaze. She looked at him pensively and let her look wander to the box of munchkins in his lap.

"Can I have one ?" she asked and grabbed the box, taking out one of three chocolate glazed munchkins that were still left.

"You still don't like chocolate ?" she suddenly remembered his uncommon aversion against one of the sweetest sins she fell for every once in a while.

"People don't change", he replied meaningfully and stared out of the window again. His eyes following the snow that had just started falling out of the grey sky above them.

"No, they don't", she agreed softly and gazed at him until he couldn't help but look at her again, bemused and uneasy.

Her eyes sparkled almost profoundly when their eyes met and he wondered if she was flirting with him because she was loaded with hormones again or if she had actually really forgiven him already for disturbing her on her day off.  
She nodded at him and unfastened her seatbelt.  
His eyes followed her skeptically when she got ouf ot he car.  
There was a hint of a smile on his lips, too, when he looked down at the scarf he was wearing. It smelled after her. That was the only reason why he was wearing it.  
Because it smelled of spring. Of peaches and mangos.

"I still think you are wrong about my patient, though", she said when she heard his cane making a scratching and clicking sound behind her, coming closer.  
But she didn't wait for him to catch up with her and quickly marched through the snow, carefully avoiding to be in sync with the rhythm of the clacking of his cane.

_Flashback _

_There was only one spot left where he could be. And she was just pushing the door open to get to it.  
It was hot and bright on the rooftop, she could smell the melting tar, that always reminded her of playing in the streets as a child.  
__Her eyes instantly caught him.  
Somehow he always managed to sneak out and always got away with it. But that was probably the privilege of not being a resident anymore.  
__He was completely absorbed in reading a book. "One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest", she found out when she approached him and bent over to read the title on the cover.  
He didn't even bother to look up when she sat down next to him, tiredly leaning against the wall behind her, picking up an empty packet of cigarettes that lay between them. _

"_Nice evening" , she said and he__ kept ignoring her. _

_She bit her lip, cursed herself for coming up with small talk after what had happened between them and added: "I was getting worried, haven't seen or heard from you in days." _

_She got silent again and looked at him from the side, studying his face asking herself what was going on in his mind__, her thoughts drifted back to the night of the Award Party. She remembered running her fingers through his curly hair when he had already been fast asleep.  
For a few seconds it all had seemed possible to her but then she had studied his face in the dim light of the moon, seeing all the misery on it even in his dreams.  
__That moment she had decided to leave and she had sneaked out of a man's bed for the first time in her life. _

_He tried to focus on the words in the book lying in __his hands, tried to pretend she wasn't there. But he couldn't. Ever since that night he had not been able to get her out of his mind.  
__She challenged him, she was witty, she was hot, she was not boring.  
__And that was exactly the reason why he couldn't stand her.  
__The morning he had woken up after they had slept with each other he had expected her to be lying next to him. Because that was who she was, she was a nice girl, the kind who stayed till the next morning. The fact that she had not been there had told him that he had already changed her. And the fact that he had expected her to be there, that he had actually missed her had told him that she had already changed him, too.  
__He didn't want that. __It made life uncontrollable, made him dependent, vulnerable and weak.  
__He looked at her and flipped his book shut. _

"_Look, I know you are a woman, so you probably can't help getting all cuddly now that we had sex. But we shouldn't pretend that it was more than that. We're not gonna be friends or anything just because I got to take a look at your sugar donut."_

_She looked at him, taken aback. "I know", she said surprisedly. "I wasn't considering this to be the start of a long lasting relationshi__p. We just had fun. That's it", she said, trying to swallow the lump in her throat, realizing that she was lying to herself. _

"_Good. So stop worrying about me. And stop looking for me, I'm running out of places to hide", he said boyishly and got up to walk away from her. _

_She shook her head__ with her mouth open in disbelief.  
__He did not know who he was dealing with.  
__So she jumped to her feet and ran after him._

"_You had lunch already ?" she asked__ playfully snapping the book out of his hands and running down the stairs with it. _

_He rolled his eyes and followed her down the stairs._

"_What do I need to do to make you go away ?"_

"_Nothing you__ can do, I'm a persistent pest", she replied winningly._

_He frowned and eyed__ her skeptically. "Was I really that good ?" _

_She sno__rted and ignored that question. "They serve Pad Thai today" she teased him instead._

"_You seriously think you can change the subject by yelling exotic food names at me__ ? That'll only make me horny", he shouted, still running down the stairs after her. _

_She__ suddenly stopped in the stairway and turned around abruptly, so that he almost bumped in to her. _

"_Ok. It WAS good, I had fun. And that's it" , she hissed at him impatiently, getting nervous when very graphic memories started flooding her mind. _

_She continued walking down the stairs. _

"_I figured", he interrupted her giving her a dirty look. "Weren't really trying to hide that"__, he added and she blushed._

"_Yah, can we please focus on something else than your ego now ? I know it's difficult since it's the biggest one around here but it's also not the biggest one I've ever seen"__, she said, lifting her eyebrows ambiguously when she finally pushed the door open to the cafeteria. _

_He smirked.  
_

_After they had sat down across from each other, each one of them eating silently out of a big bowl of Thai noodles with__ an unidentifiable topping on them, she looked up at him. _

"_I never had the chance to thank you", she started._

"_You don't have to, I had fun, too", he replied__ cheerfully and she glared at him._

"_House. I was talking about that clerkship last year, we never saw each other again, but I got an A and I think it's because your teaching was really good." _

"_I know. So when are we going to__ repeat that little intermezzo ?"_

_She almost choke on her noodles. _

"_Never__ ?!" she shot at him, raising her eyebrows, looking at him frankly. "Because you are a selfish egomaniac."_

"_And you are a self-righteous bitch, that's why I am only talking about sex, I certainly don't want to marry you, let alone father your even more self-righteous, spoiled__ children", he said depreciatively._

_When Cuddy heard these words out of his mouth she remembered the full range of his abusiveness again. It was a well known fact that the brain didn't memorize pain very well, which was probably one of the few reasons why she had slept with him the other night: Because she had rememberd his wit, his humor and his blatant honesty a lot better than his rude and disrespectful, outrageously obnoxious behavior. When she had seen him again so unexpectedly she had thought of that kiss in the first place and when she had seen him sitting on the hood of his car, all by himself, drunk and sad, he had seemed like a different person to her than the one he appeared to be now.  
But now he seemed to be back just the way she had got to known him a year ago.He had hurt her many many times during that clerkship, he hurt her now, he would hurt her again and she had actually expected herself to be used to that by now. But she wasn't.  
__Instead sh__e__ understood that this time the danger of getting hurt very badly was pretty high.  
__So she smiled. _

"_You are right. We're not friends. As a matter of fact, I don't even think you have friends", she replied coldly and picked up her half-empty bowl to throw its contents away. _

_He turned around and watched her leaving their table. _

"_I found this purple thong under my couch and I was wondering if it belonged to you or to one of the other three girls you brought the other night when you passed out drunk in my shower", he shouted after her, raising his voice with every syllable spoken, so that in the end it was loud enough for everybody else in the cafeteria to hear it, making her want to chop his head off and then get swallowed by the ground she so desperately wanted to open up under her feet._

_She turned around to look at him before she left the cafeteria but he didn't return the look so she wal__ked away, disappointed, annoyed, humiliated, but not willing to surrender. _

_It was her own fault she had started this conversation because she was a woman and he was right: She couldn't help getting all worked up about this.  
_


	8. Goodbye my Almost Lover

Don't worry guys, we're getting there...to cite a famous person: "We're taking little baby steps" :0)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four hours later

Filing through receipts, notes and a bunch of Christmas mail Cuddy had completely forgotten about the world outside when the world decided to remind her of itself by letting a phone ring somewhere in the room. A little befuddeled she stared at the phone on her desk. But it was peacefully silent. She jumped up and rushed over to her purse on the coatrack.

"Hello ?"

It was David. He sounded disappointed but tried not to and she knew that was a bad sign.  
While she was listening to his carefully chosen words she felt tears rising in her eyes.

"So, I guess you won't be there when I come home ?" she hardly dared to ask when he had finished after almost five minutes.

Was he breaking up with her over the phone ?  
That hadn't happened to her since high school.  
But then again, this was the only way to reach her. This was quintessentially her life, and the very core of the problem. She couldn't blame him.  
After a silent pause during which she was thinking of ways to make this work she closed her eyes, a tear running down her cheek, realizing, she had been lying to herself about the feasibility of this relationship.

"I am sorry", she said. "I really wanted this to work."

"I know. I am sorry, too. I should have known that, I shouldn't have pushed you", the voice that had whispered sweet words of love into her ear only 13 hours before, said.

She nodded and wiped away a tear on her cheek with the back of her fingers. He paused, again, carefully choosing his words and she had to smile through her tears. She should really not date lawyers anymore, she thought to herself when she heard his voice again.

"It's just...that there is no space in your life, for me", he added and cleared his throat.

"It's okay. You don't need to apologize", she replied and noticed that there was nothing else left to say. "So, I'll see you eventually?"

"Yeah. Eventually", he nodded at the other end of the line and she hung up, taking a deep breath moving back to her desk like in slow-motion.

She turned around abruptly when the door was flung open.

"Lab results are back and I was right. It _is_ CUP-Syndrome, so actually your patient is really dying, only now Wilson will take care of her", he announced like he was Moses reading the ten commandments to the people of Israel.

But then he noticed the strange expression on her face and while still trying to read it he already heard himself asking:

"What ? Is there a giant spider sitting on my shoulder ?"

He looked around, trying to see if anything in her office had changed, anything that would give him a hint at what was upsetting her.  
He was almost sure that she had been crying before he came in.

"It's nothing", she said not very convincingly.

Her voice was shaky and she looked down, bored, upset, hurt.

"Ok. Then I guess you're ready to admit that you were wrong by missing that she had cancer written all over her cells", he tested her lifting his eyebrows inquisitively.

"I wasn't wrong. She had a family history of Wermer's Syndrome and tested positive for a defect in the Menin-Gene. Every single one of her symptomes was consistent with MEN and they were just about to remove the tumors that were producing most of the hormones. That diagnosis was perfectly correct, the CUP – Syndrome was just hidden by her MEN, we would have found out about that anyway. The only difference being that while she was dying from the very beginning, she now knows it a couple of days earlier, which is perfect timing when news like that happen to hit you around Christmas", she defended herself, raising her voice sarcastically, projecting all her frustration on this case.

"Only now with Wilsons poison potions she might even live long enough to see the Easter Bunny again", he shot back and she shook her head confusedly.

"I am not getting this. Are you happy because you are right or because she will live three months longer than without the correct diagnosis, but now suffering from nausea, vomitting and hair loss caused by the chemotherapy ?"

"Oh, come on. Now you're splitting hairs."

"And you are a big fat liar", she snapped and approached him with a wild threatening look in her eyes. "There was absolutely NO reason to drag me into this hospital today. She wouldn't have died today, nor would she have gone in to ARF today. She is dying of cancer, no matter what we do and now she only found out a day or two earlier.You got bored at home, that's it. Misery loves company and you chose me as your companion because you knew I was currently actually happy with my life. Am I right ?"

He stood still and watched her coming closer until their faces were only a few inches apart.

"What ? You're going all alpha – male against me now ?" he said when she was close enough for him to see the scattered freckles on her nose.

She was almost irresistible when she was angry, he loved the thin line forming between her eyebrows, how her nose was framed by tiny little wrinkles and how her eyes seemed to be firing sparks.  
Finally he wasn't even sure whether she was going to hit or kiss him.  
His thigh started throbbing as he was caught by the spell of her stare, not being able to avert his gaze, not being able to move, not being able to breathe. The tension was so overwhelming that he was almost expecting a lightning to struck him any second. He understood that she was serious, so he remained silent, waiting for this thunderstorm to be over, when she fiercely snatched the lab results from his hand that was feeling just as numb as the rest of his body and turned away from him.

"Now get out", she fizzed through clenched teeth and moved on to her desk until she heard the door being closed unexpectedly carefully. The familiar clicking of his cane was slowly fading away as she tried to process what had happened.

_Flashback _

_The rain fell silently pounding against the glass and the leaves in the trees, the air smelled clean and fresh, almost green. __He spotted her standing there, looking outside as if she were miles away, and instantly he knew something was wrong.  
__She had __asked him about a patient with Mucoviscidosis the other day and he knew that she usually only asked him when things got really serious for her patients. Things hadn't changed between them, it was a constant battle between hating and flirting with each other, resulting in the two of them avoiding each other as much as possible but always ending up at the same table during lunch break.  
__Today they had even bumped into each other when sneaking out to watch the July 4__th__ fireworks in the distance. When her beeper had gone off she had already sensed that this would be about her patient and had left him watching the fireworks alone. But with the heavy rains starting about five minutes after the fireworks hat begun the show had been over pretty quickly anyway.  
__For a moment he hesitated, thought about proceeding to the ward. But then he remembered the smell __of urine on the ward, the ugly fat nurse who was working there today and he decided that he preferred Cuddy's company to the one of eleven whiny and cranky patients on dialysis and a fat nurse with oily hair and stinky breath. So he turned around and approached her from the side. When he was close enough he could see a tear running down her cheek and stopped, his eyes following hers, staring at the pearly traces the raindrops left on the window. He looked back at her face again and realized how beautiful this picture was in all its sadness. The tears on her face were just as pearly and dazzling as the raindrops on the glass and her eyes were like the sky ouf of which the rain was pouring with her lips being the flowers in front of the window on which the raindrops landed.  
__Just when he was getting all worked up about the poetry that lay in the simple things of everday life she managed to destroy it all by wiping away the tears with the back of her hand, snuffling her nose pretty unpoetically._

"_Patient died ?" __he finally managed to ask. _

_She nodded._

"_So..." he was looking for the right words to comfort her and then decided to go __for a joke to fill the silence, to win time. _

"_Wanna make out in the locker room ?"_

"_House, you were drunk, I was overworked. Stop pining"__, she said smiling forgivingly through her tears. _

_He had obviously succeeded. At least for a second because her smile faded just as quickly as it had risen on her face. _

"_She was jus__t 37. She shouldn't have died", she absently stated, relieved that she finally had someone to talk to about this. _

"_She had__ Cystic Fibrosis. It's a miracle she made it that long at all. She would have died of some infection at some point anyway. Don't get yourself all worked up about this."_

"_Don't get all worked up ?" she repeated. "A life just ended, I've just experienced my first encounter with a dying patient I happened to be responsible for." _

"_Go to the PICU. There's hundreds of lives that just started and most of them are just as fucked up as your patient was at that age. Your patient went through 37 years w__ith cystic fibrosis. That is a very long time if you spend most of it wheezing, coughing and not being able to breathe. You should be celebrating that she's dead and focus on those who are still breathing."_

_She looked at him trying to read the expression on his face making sure he was serious about what he had said. _

"_What in the world is wrong with you ?" she__ finally asked annoyedly and he shrugged his shoulders. _

"_Nothing. It's the world that's wrong with me." _

"_Oh, gimme a break. I am not buying this wounded-hearts crap. The world is just as wrong to any of us."_

"_Yeah, but I am more sensitive. I'm having trouble adjusting", he cried. _

"_I know this isn't you, you are just playing all this__ down so nothing and nobody can get close enough to actually hurt you." _

"_Didn't know you knew me that well, when did you go to shrink school ?"__ he responded, seemingly unimpressed. _

"_I'm not claiming to know you,__ I just know people...like you", she replied, lowering her voice towards the end of her sentence. _

_He smiled winningly. _

"_This then, is __the kernel of the brute !" he cited dramatically, "So, who was it...your Daddy ? Mean uncle ?"_

"_Who was it in your family__ ?" she shot back instead of answering his question that had indeed scratched a scar deep inside her heart. _

_He smiled at her silently with his blue eyes sparkling wisely. She didn't return the look but continued staring through the w__indow, this time following the people walking by in front of the hospital entrance, hidden under colorful umbrellas._

"_It's just that by ripping life of its meaning, what...is left then ?__ How am I supposed to cope with the death of a patient if it all doesn't mean anything ?" she asked. _

"_You should look at it like that: Every patient you lose is a lesson you learn to save somebody's life in the future. This isn't a 9 to 5 job, it's a life you chose, it swallows your private life, messes with your emotions, skews your perception and therefore it's highly addictive. A game to constantly feed your mind.__ But if you really let all this get to you you will never be a good doctor, you won't be able to make objective judgements and decisions. "_

_She listened to him, thankful that he was at least serious this time and refrained from mocking her._

"_But this isn't a game", she contradicted after she had thought his words through. _

"_S__ure is, it just really sucks if you lose. For the patients you kill, not for you, of course. So when it comes to that it's a lot like chess with naturally regrowing pawns."_

"_Is that really how you deal with it ?" she asks and looks at him from the side._

"_No. But then I didn't say I was dealing. This is about you anyway, isn't it ?" _

"_Did you ever kill a patient ?" _

"_You didn't kill that patient !" __he yelled at her impatiently._

_She could really be stubbornly guilt-ridden sometimes. _

"_Did any of your patients ever die ?" __she corrected herself. _

"_I stopped counting."_

"_What did you feel ?" _

"_Oh come on. Session's over. __Send the bill to R.P.McMurphy", he said, shutting her out as usual. _

_They remained silent, standing next to each other, gazing at nothing. _

"_You have to let p__eople in eventually, you know", she finally stated. _

"_Why ? To find love and live happily ever after ?" _

"_To live. For a start." _

_She gave him a long serious look and he frowned, peering at her. _

"_You actually really care about me, don't you ?" __he started digging. _

_She shook her head but couldn't say anything, knowing she would lie anyway. She had to let go, he was who he was, he wouldn'__t let her in, not even now, almost three weeks after they had slept with each other. She still didn't know much about him, neither did he know much about her since most of their conversations were just bantering. But she did know that she was his only company, the only person he talked to more or less volunteerily, probably because she was really very persistent. At times she was sure he enjoyed her company, though. _

"_I care because I think you're miserable. For a reason. Because nothing is for no reason."_

_He snorted. "Well, obviously you never read Camus !" _

"_You're hurt", she continued obliviously. _

"_Wait, is that a turn-on for you ?" he narrowed his eyes. _

"_No. But I'm trying to understand your M.O.", she answered quickly, reaching out for his arm, squeezing it gently. _

"_Do you think I might hurt you?" she asked not willing to let go this time._

"_No, but I might hurt you!" he said sincerely and she involuntarily smiled. _

"_House, you're not the Phantom of the Opera", she replied with a broad grin on her face. _

"_I am not going to change", he said, surprising her more and more with his unusual level of sincerity._

"_I don't want you to change", she immediately replied. _

"_Great !" he said, "__So we cleared that up. Glad we talked", he ditched the conversation again knowing it would soon annoy him so much that he would start insulting her again. _

_She pulled her hand away from his arm and nodded understandingly.  
She had the feeling that she was slowly getting him and found it surprising that it didn't scare her. He wasn't really miserable. He was just sensitive. Like a chameleon, reflecting the pattern of the world around him. He was only adjusting. It was indeed the world that was wrong and he was just coping with it differently, more honestly and definetely more interestingly than others.  
__For a moment she could feel what was driving him because today her own world had been shifted and she realized that he had indeed helped her coping with that.  
Thankfully she turned away from the window and walked away from him, leaving him alone, but now taking parts of his darkness with her. _

_He turned after her: "I am leaving for Europe in two days." _

_She turned around, too__, and shrugged her shoulders. _

"_Well, have a saf__e trip", she said not wanting to sound as indifferent as it had turned out. _

"_What ? No ki__ss goodbye, no tears, no begging ?" he mocked her. _

_She smiled__ and defeatedly went back to him. He didn't move, waiting for her, testing her.  
__The way people said 'Goodbye' said a lot about these people's relationship, their feelings and their personalities. __And it was a lot more fun to read other people's gestures instead of directly asking them about their feelings.  
__When she hugged him he smiled knowin__g his assumptions confirmed. She did like him.  
__When she gave him a soft kiss goodbye on his cheek he asked himself if it was even more than that and awkwardly hugged her back._

"_I'll call you", he promised sneeringly when their eyes met, their lips only being inches apart. _

_She laughed hoarsely and parted with him. _

"_Don't worry. It's not like we were friends, is it ?" she replied. _

_With these words and a thin almost invisible film of tears in her eyes she__ turned around and walked away. Therefore she didn't see the knowing smile on his face when his eyes followed her, playfully glinting.  
__When the elevator door closed in front of her and shut him out of her world she heard something silently hitting the ground. She turned around and picked up a yellow sticky note lying on the ground. With a smile she realized that he must h__ave patted that on her back when they had hugged. It had already surprised her that he had hugged her at all but now she knew he hadn't done it for real which ironically comforted her. She read the note:_

"_It's No Underwear Day ! Call 01144 – 2073520943" _

_This had to be his number in England. Or maybe it was the number of an insanely expensive sex hotline in England and he was just trying to trick her. Whichever option it was, she wouldn't call the number. Some things were better left alone the way they were. _

_Four hours later_

_The noise could already be heard from the end of the block but he didn't come here for the music, he came here for the free food and the beer.  
__When he entered the house his eyes needed a moment to adjust to the darkness, the heavy layer of cigarette smoke and the crowd that was standing in the hallway.  
__He whistled silently and raised his eyebrows when he saw how huge the house was. It belonged to another fellow's parents. That guy was also leaving for an overseas fellowship. House had always hated him and realized that now he had another reason for it: Envy.  
__On his way inside he bumped into several people, ignoring their complaints, not apologizing, eventually nodding back at some of the more familiar faces that surprisedly lit up when they saw him and immediately changed as soon as he had passed by to engage themselves in gossiping. _

"_Hey House !" he heard the fellow's voice who was throwing this party. _

"_Glad you made it !" he lifted his bottle of beer and cheered, House smiling back at him annoyedly. _

"_Fucking hypocrite!" he snarled through his teeth as he proceeded through the crowd and the noise, hungrily looking for the buffet, increasing his appetite by checking out the girls standing around everywhere he looked. He flinched when he suddenly realized a familiar pair of breasts staring back at him. Her lips widened in a smile.  
__Cuddy approached him and he realized there was no way he could escape her, so he stayed exactly where he was, checking her out while she was coming closer. She was certainly not trying to hide anything with that little canary bird colored cocktail dress she was wearing. Her eyes were glowing and her hair was ambienting her face and shoulders in long shiny curls. Admittedly, scenes like that only happened in his dreams.  
_'_Okaaaaay' he thought to himself, realizing that she was definetely not pining for him since she had not come here to leave the party all by herself.  
__Before he could even open his mouth to leave a snarky comment on her wardrobe he already heard her asking: _

"_What are you doing here ?" _

_She was obviously surprised, almost shocked to see him and that gave him the power to stay calm. _

"_It's a Farewell Party for the Fellows. I am a Fellow. The question now being: What are YOU doing here ?" he replied. _

"_My Endocrinology f__ellow dragged me here, figured I could use some distraction", she explained lightly and he looked at her._

"_You are tipsy", he stated and she nodded. _

"_I'm celebrating."_

_He frowned. _

"_Only four hours ago you were in tears over your dying patient and now you're celebrating ? I might be wrong but just today someone told me that this was the wrong way to deal with that" he sarcastically reminded her of her own words. _

"_I didn't say I was dealing", she said snootily and turned away._

"_Yeah, I figured. The fact that you're already drunk NOW and your tacky Big Bird Outfit speak volumes!" He shouted after her but she ignored him and joined the dancing crowd in the middle of the living room. _

_Actually he was glad that she was dealing with that the way everybody else dealt with it, so he finally went to the buffet, grabbed the biggest plate he could find and stuffed it with food. _

"_Wanna dance ?" a girl appeared out of nowhere and smiled at him. _

_He eyed her and realized that __scrubs and 36-hour shifts were the perfect masquerade to hide beauty. Wearing a black dress and shiny earrings now that girl looked like something else from his dreams and he decided that he should attend parties more often. _

"_Aren't you the OB/Gyn resident ?" he asked and she nodded. _

"_You noticed me ?" sh__e said enchantedly._

"_Yah, saw you vomitting on the parking lot the other day. First delivery?" __he asked her and saw the smile on her face fading. _

_Getting reminded of her own weakness seemed to be a bit of a turn-off and she shrugged her shoulders. _

"_It wasn't the delivery, I was sick that day", she explained and he nodded. _

"_I vomitted", he admitted and her face instantly lit up again. _

"_Seriously ?" she asked naively and he shook his head. _

"_No. But I wish I had. That way I had to stay and watch the freakshow till the very end." _

"_You are Gregory House, aren't you ?" the girl asked and gave him an examining look. _

"_Says so on my birth certificate", he said and realized he was already bored.  
_"_Do you just wanna talk or is this going anywhere ?" he therefore asked and she smiled to his surprise._

"_Well, it depends on where you want it to go", she replied and bit her lower lip playfully. _

_He almost burst into laughter facing this kind of brutal and unsubtle advance when he suddenly got distracted by a picture that made his jaw drop.  
__What was wrong with the women today ? _

_His eyes caught sight of Cuddy who was dancing on a table with another very tall and skinny female resident who appeared to have her very own dancing style. The fellows were standing around them cheering and applauding them. He smirked at the picture.  
__This was the only reason why fellows invited the residents to their farewell parties: They were younger, prettier and always very desperate and burned-out which made them perfect entertainers once they were drunk. _

_"You know, I am...", the strange girl persistently tried to seduce him teasing him with something he didn't even listen to anymore when his attention finally drifted elsewhere completely. _

_Two of the fellows had joined Cuddy and the other resident on the table and they were now dancing closely, obviously having fun, the cheering around them getting louder and louder. __Was Cuddy really dancing with the Neurosurgery fellow ?  
__He finally decided that this floorshow had to come to an end and marched over to them, leaving the chatty girl he might have had quit__e some fun with behind.  
__When he had reached the table that was shaking and groaning under the unusual weight he reached out for her arm and pulled her down. She almost fell and held on to him feeling him laying his arm around her waist to give her halt.  
__For a second she felt completely sober, feeling the force of his muscles that were dragging him away from the cheering crowd around the table. _

"_What the heck are you doing ?" she snapped and freed herself trying to find balance in the middle of a spinning room. _

"_Taking you home, you'll thank me for this", he simply shouted back and continued pulling her away. _

"_Who do you think you are ?" she yelled at him stumbling after him._

_He ignored her until they were outside, leaving the noise and the crowd behind, getting some fresh air. When the oxygen finally reached her brain and she felt the dizziness go away she pulled a face. _

"_Oh my God, I really danced with Cummings. The guy whose ego is even bigger than yours", she moaned. _

"_You seriously have a problem", House stated. "But thanks to me you don't end up on his long list of One-Night-Stands." _

"_It's already bad enough that I'm on your list", she replied wearily, following him to his car. _

"_Don't worry, it's a pretty short list. I'm picky. And you're right on top of the ranking, too", he said, trying to comfort her and she smiled. _

"_You didn't seem that picky in there", she replied and he turned around to look at her, hoping she had not put on this whole show to make him jealous. _

"_Don't be pathetic," he snapped at her._

"_I'm not, I was having fun. Not everything is about you", she said and he believed her. _

"_Let's get you home", he replied and started the car engine. _

_When they stopped in front of her apartment he got out of the car to help her out. _

"_When did you turn into Mister Manners ?" she skeptically furrowed her brow at him._

"_Didn't", he shortly replied and her mouth opened in disbelief when she realized his motives for his behavior. _

"_House, I am not THAT drunk. There's a reason why it's called a _One_-Night-Stand", she stopped in the middle of the way to her door. _

_He pulled a puppy face. _

"_But my plane might crash. Are you really that cold to let me die without a sweet memory on my mind ?" _

"_You have good long-term memory. I'm sure that'll do." _

"_I don't know. I was drunk. Total blackout", he simply said, approaching her and she walked away from him towards her door. _

"_I mean it", she turned around when she had reached the doorstep and he was still coming after her. _

"_No you don't", he replied, seeing the spark in her eyes that told him the truth. _

"_Yes. I do", she resisted strongly, feeling the attraction to him growing with every breath she took. _

_Interestingly when it came to sex he didn't seem to fear closeness at all. He wasn't uncomfortable or shy. He was a completely different person, tender, caring, sexy. But when i__t came to showing actual feelings he was a total dead loss which could only be because sex was mainly a natural need whereas real love was an intellectually perceived and processed emotion.  
__This time though she wasn't sure whether this was only about sex when he laid his arm around her waist and pulled her closer.  
__The look on his face told her it was purely physical, though, so she stopped him, placing her hands on his chest, pushing him away._

"_Good luck in London", she whispered softly and looked at him. _

_He returned the look and for a few seconds nothing else existed until he nodded understandingly and walked away. Not looking around, not hesitating, not coming back. _

_He left for his overseas fellowship two days later and they never saw each other again unt__il a Nephrology conference almost six years later. _


	9. Breaking Points

Sorry for the long wait, guys ! My story has challenged me a lot and I wanted to finish the next three chapters first before posting this one ! Hope you still enjoy it. And I DID change the Review settings so that now anonymous reviews are allowed. Thanks for that tip ! And thanks so much for your kind comments, I really appreciate them :)

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A couple of hours later on the same day in the Present

It almost seemed like an insane idea to find a cab on a Holiday during a snowstorm at this time of the day. He had found his car buried in a thick layer of snow with an empty battery this morning which was why he had taken a taxi to Cuddy's place. He had also expected her to drive him home but apparently he now got punished for screwing with her since she had left the hospital hours ago without telling him. He figured she was probably at home, trying to fix what he had broken between her and her boyfriend. Though actually he hadn't really broken anything that hadn't already had thousands of hyphenation points.  
When it came to relationships Cuddy was even less fortunate than he was, because she feared emotional closeness just as much as he did, she hated being weak and vulnerable. She never really let people in, either. That was the reason why the two of them had never had a fair chance with each other.  
She wasn't Stacy. Though she and Cuddy had a lot of things in common, except for one thing: Stacy had always been brutally honest with him, always risking to get hurt, to lose the fight being the weaker competitor in their game. Only that that had ironically always made her the stronger one. That had made that relationship between her and House possible.  
Cuddy was too stubborn to ever allow him to win their fights. And that made her weak.  
Nevertheless, Cuddy was still in his life. Stacy wasn't. Which meant that again Stacy was the luckier of the two of them. He had managed to turn her away finally because she had had someone to come home to. As long as Cuddy didn't have that he wouldn't be able to get her out of his life. It was almost like these two women were dragged to him like addicts to their drugs. Or like flies to dung.

That moment a cab came around the corner and its lights were on. House quickly raised his cane and got in.

"This is gonna take pretty long", the driver said when House told him his address. "They just finished clearing the streets here, but the suburbs are a total mess and it's gonna to snow again", he explained.

"Do you wanna earn money or continue boring me with your weather forecast ?" House snapped at him impatiently and the driver understood, turning around again, setting the car in motion.

It had already been a 90 minute ride from him to Cuddy's place in the morning, so he was getting used to that. He laid back in the backseat and stretched his leg out as far as possible, looking at the sleepy, low-lit world creeping by as the car drove through the streets, slowly and carefully.  
They had only passed two blocks when House suddenly yelled "Stop!", handed a ten dollar bill to the driver and left the taxi without further explaining, his eyes focussing on a red scarf, red gloves and a black coat hanging over the back of an empty chair in a sports bar.  
He was now approaching the window of that sports bar that was packed with people. Lonely people, obviously, because no one would spend his evening in a sports bar two days after Christmas when there weren't even any games going on. Unless they were stuck at some place because of the snow.  
But why was Cuddy in there, at this moment returning to her seat from the ladies' room, reaching out for a glass of Martini and then picking up a black olive from a little plate in front of her with a toothpick ?  
She was definetely not lonely which House realized when he came closer and saw that she was talking to a man sitting next to her.  
House reached out for the doorknob and entered the bar.  
He figured that most of the people in there were not lonely at all since they were all anxiously glancing at the flat screens on the walls from time to time, checking out the last advances in clearing the streets of the snow.

Things were actually looking fine on the screens so that House was now wondering even more why people weren't moving. Were they all living in the parts of the town where the streets were still covered in snow ? Or were they actually enjoying their time, away from their lonely homes, away from their crowded homes filled with relatives you usually carefully managed to avoid the whole year ? Unusual situations like weather emergencies managed to lower the defenses of people.  
Same with House.  
He turned away from the screens and walked towards Cuddy who hadn't even noticed him, vividly talking to the man in front of her.

"Wow, you're certainly not wasting any time", he greeted her jovially and turned around to take a look at her new friend.

She sighed, her face contorted with the pain the sight of House had caused her.

"Robert, meet my employee a.k.a. pain in the neck –" she started introducing House but he interrupted her and shook the guy's hand.

"I'm Greg. Nice to meet you", he politely introduced himself. "So, you are the doctor who is going to do the surgery ? She told me she was going to meet you today. Can't tell you how much I respect people like you who ignore those anachronistic laws of society and just go with the flow. Transsexuality is so in at the moment", he started chatting innocently and turned around to indulge in the expression he anticipated on Cuddy's face.  
And she didn't disappoint him, her expression was priceless. She was completely paralyzed, all she managed to do was giving him the death stare. Unfortunately it didn't work. Again.

Robert seemed to be too confused to lose his speech so he took advantage of Cuddy's silence and asked for further explanation.

"I don't think I know what you're talking about", he said, throwing anxious, addlepated and now also slightly disgusted looks at Cuddy.

"She – or should I say _he_ –", House continued finding the situation more and more entertaining, "told me _he _had been looking for a surgeon who would finally perform the last surgery needed to turn _him_ into the woman _he_ would like to be. I figured you were that surgeon, but apparently I am wrong."  
He lifted his eyebrows in fake shock.  
"As a matter of fact I am only now realizing how embarrassing this must be for you", he added apologetically.

Robert looked at Cuddy who was helplessly shrugging her shoulders.

"Is this a joke ?" he asked annoyedly and Cuddy only managed to give him half a nod, half a shake of the head for an answer.

"_This_", she finally regained her speech pointing at House, "is the actual joke: That my miserable lonely employee can obviously not even afford a hooker anymore so that his only hobby left now is messing with my private life since he already destroyed his only friend's marriage", she spat out her words all the time looking at House.

Robert moved around in his chair uncomfortably, feeling that compared to what he was witnessing now his mother-in-law who was visiting over the Holidays was not such a bad person after all.

"I think I better let the two of you work this out", he said and added: "Whatever _this_ is."

Politely nodding at Cuddy and derangedly staring at House he got up, put on his coat and moved down the counter to pay for his drinks.

When he had left Cuddy leaned her chin on her hand, her elbow resting on the counter. A pair of very bright blue eyes stared at him, frankly, questioningly. And after silently having coped with the volcano of rage erupting inside her, flooding her bloodstream with lava of pure hatred, almost making her blood come to a boil. But she had taken another sip of her Martini, cooling down, smiling at him eventually.

"He is right", she said after a long pause, "What is _this_ ?"

"I did you a favor. Twice today !" House answered not aware of any guilt.

She laughed.

"Well, unless you just saved me from the hands of two serial killers I don't really see the favor you did me", she said, still waiting for an explanation.

"Come on," House responded, "this guy here ? He was married ! Only a hormone driven hag like you can be blind enough to miss that."

"Your politeness isn't really helping", Cuddy interrupted him calmly, still trying to manage the anger roaring inside her.

"And that new ex-boyfriend of yours ?" he ignored her. "Is it a coincidence that he was a lawyer just like that guy whose sperm you used ot get pregnant last time ? Or did you generalize your observation thinking that only a lawyer's sperm can do the magic trick and therefore you now only date lawyers ? Cause that's not really a very scientific approach. Need a bigger sample if you really wanna prove that in an observation trial. Or-" he continued and got interrupted.

"How do you know he was a lawyer ?" she asked him irritatedly.

"Car license plate", he simply answered and went on with his rant. "You told ME it was a violation of the donors' privacy to find out their identity, yet you did the same to get more of those fertile swimmers that managed to get you pregnant. That is really desperate !" he finished and Cuddy had to agree.

She had always felt the same. But after she had found out that she was pregnant she had really wanted to know more about the father of her child. She had not approached him ever, though. At least not as long as she had been pregnant. And she also had never told him about her secret after she had "coincidentally" bumped into him a few days after her miscarriage. It still was pathetic, though, no matter how discrete she had been, her motives had definetely been questionable.  
However, she wasn't in the mood for consent since there were hundreds of things she didn't agree with.  
She was still stumbling over House's most recent violation of somebody's privacy.

"You did research on my boyfriend using his license plate number ? Do you have any idea how insane this is ?" she raised her voice and lowered it again when people turned around to look at them.  
"We really shouldn't be discussing this in here", she realized and ordered the check, standing up to get into her coat, her movements being fast and agitated, saying more about what was going on inside her than she would ever admit.

House smiled and followed her outside. He knew that eventually, by the end of this conversation she would come to the point of realizing that he was right after all. She might question his methods, but his motives were of pure idealistic nature.  
Or was he mixing up idealism with egoism ? Wasn't that the same anyway ?

When they got outside she continued their fight even though House had hoped she wouldn't.

"I got used to your ways of making my job hard and harder each day, sometimes almost impossible. I am tolerating it because you are a good doctor. Better than good, actually. Patients from all over the country come here to see you, which is really ironic since usually people can't seem to get away from you fast enough. But there is no way I will tolerate your new hobby. And if I could turn back time I would ask Wilson to give me the injections for my IVF."

"You should have asked him in the first place", House interrupted her, hardly being able to catch up with her fast walking.

"I know. But there was a reason why I picked you. Because I knew you wouldn't care, you sure were gonna humiliate me with that, you weren't going to talk me out of it. I knew you would give me those damn shots and stay out of my life. Wilson never stays out, he always cares and I really didn't need that back then. This time, though -"

She paused and looked at him.

"Are we taking a cab now, or what ?" she put the conversation on hold when she realized that they had already walked a block through the snow.

"What about your car ?"

"I can't drive you home", she shrugged her shoulders. "I had two Martinis and the blizzard is already challenge enough for a driver."

"I can drive you home", he said and continued when she looked at him skeptically. "Believe me, it's easier than trying to find a cab."

She nodded, looking around, facing the empty streets of a snow-covered ghost town, finding herself agreeing with him again and they turned right to get to her car.

As soon as the inside of her car had warmed up and she felt the skin in her face again she picked up their conversation where she had dropped it.

"When I hired you I knew it would be tough. Still I wanted you for that position despite the past we shared. But I knew you were with Stacy, so I felt us to be safe. And we were. Apart from your always inappropriate comments on different parts of my body you never showed any interest in my life other than the usual kinky business you engage yourself in every once in a while. I know you like to collect embarrassing pieces of information about people in your life because that way they seem more controllable and you can manipulate them better. But there are certain lines you never cross."

House rolled his eyes. "Are you gonna punish me by talking about this until we reach your house ?"

"You crossed those lines with me, though. Even twice today. And I am asking myself why", she finished calmly, her words being followed by absolute silence.

"Because this isn't you", he said after a while. "You have always been weak, stubborn and guilt-ridden. But now you're pathetic."

He paused and she looked at him from the side, surprised and touched. His eyes were focussing on the street in front of them though as he added: "This is changing you."

For the second time today he had made her speechless and she looked away, now uncomfortably staring at the street, too. She felt heat rising inside her and blamed it on the Martinis that she also held accountable for the sudden onset of dizziness and the increase in her heart rate. She cleared her throat.

"So, you liked me better the way I was before I was trying to get pregnant ?", she tried to approach him now that he was trapped inside this car with her.

He ignored her.

"Does that mean you don't want me to change because you like me ?" she asked him the same question again, using slightly different words, still processing her thoughts.

He kept on ignoring her.

"Or does that mean you don't want me to get pregnant so that you will keep on getting my undivided attention ?" she asked for the third time and got his silence for an answer again.

"A,B or C, please circle correct answer", she pushed him, not willing to let him off that easily this time.

"Usually there's also option D: None of the above", he replied evasively and she smiled.

"Or option E: All of the above", she shot back.

"It's D", he said, hoping that this would finally put an end to this conversation and emphasized this by switching on the radio in her car.

"Try to find a decent station that does NOT play the Jingle Bell Rock and I'll give you the correct answer", he promised and she pushed the button a couple of times.

She stopped and leaned back when she found the first station not playing Christmas music, closing her eyes for a moment, listening to the words, smiling at how perfectly song lyrics always managed to fit peoples' lives.

"So am I getting the right answer now ?" she asked when the song was over and he pulled a face.

"Told you to find a decent station and that's what you come up with ? U2 ?"

He looked at her disappointedly and she turned up the volume provocatively when U2 was followed by R.E.M.

For the rest of the drive they remained silent until the car finally stopped in front of her house.  
House looked at it.

"It's dark in there", he stated and she nodded.

"It's dark at your place, too", she replied.  
"Thanks for the ride", she placably added and unfastened her seatbelt to get out.

When she had stumped three steps through the thick layer of snow in her front yard, the dark windows of her house staring at her somberly, she stopped and sighed.  
House hadn't made any attempt to leave yet, he was still sitting in her car, waiting. For her to return. Or for her to vanish through her door. Either way it was unexpected, he never waited.  
She couldn't believe that she was actually really turning around.

"You wanna come in ?" she heard herself asking him and he hesitated.

"Why ?" he asked peevishly and she straightened, looking around, still not believing that she had really made him that offer.

"Because there's still a snowstorm waiting to hit the area and it's a long ride to your place from here. It's late", she almost started persuading him and shook her head in disbelief over herself.


	10. Truth or Consequences

Ok, this was a very hard chapter, I would really really like your input on it, since I was trying very hard not to be out of character and still come up with a meaningful conversation that actually made sense and fit the characters. If there's anything that bugs you please tell me : ) If not, please tell me, too. I guess I've never felt that insecure about a part of my story. (And I've written over 20 stories in my language...).Apart from that: Enjoy the hotness !

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He finally nodded.

"Okay. But I'm not going down into that dungeon of yours again", he warned her loud enough to disturb the idyllic silence of her neighborhood.

"No need to, I moved my equipment to my room. Turned out to be more handy to have the whips within reach of my bed", she said hoarsely, gazing at him amorously as she slammed the car door shut again.

He smiled to himself.

"I'm gonna get laid", he mumbled to himself cheerfully and got out of her car.

But Cuddy felt very far from inviting him into her bed.  
As soon as she had closed the door behind them she switched on the lights and announced "I'll make your bed" before any more of his dirty thoughts could be put into words.  
She vanished into the living room to get the sofa bed ready for her guest, making sure that this gesture would remind both of them that there had not been any hidden agenda behind her invitation. She heard him saying something about "taking a leak" and calmed down, realizing that all this was probably only in her head because she was popping all these herbal hormone boosters. But as long as it was only in her head things were controllable because she was able to hold herself back.  
Within a minute she had turned her sofa into a cozy bed and contently walked into her kitchen to get something to eat. Another way of controlling herself was eating something so that even the tiniest residual effect of the Martinis would fade.

At the same time House was inspecting the pile of pregnancy tests under her sink shaking his head in disbelief. This was seriously turning into an obsession, this woman needed to be stopped.  
He rummaged around between the paper boxes and finally found the hormones she was taking, most of them being harmless herbal food supplements such as Vitex, Red Clover, Ovulex, Fo-Ti and Chasteberry. He asked himself whether she was taking all of these at the same time and seriously hoped she wasn't. It was already embarrassing enough that a doctor kept things like that at her home but actually taking them like a Long Island Iced Tea of hormones was even worse.  
A look at the insides of the boxes told him that she had not lost her mind completely, though. She had only taken a couple of pills.

He got up and washed his hands taking a minute to look at his face in the mirror. Sometimes he wished he could look at his face without knowing what was going on behind these eyes.

There was a blank corner on the shelf in front of the mirror. He saw it when he averted his gaze from his picture in the mirror. All her perfumes and lotions were neatly lined up on that shelf, carefully sparing a tiny little square area that she must have saved for her boyfriend's stuff.  
And now it was empty again.

This was bugging him.  
So he reached out for her collection on the shelf and rearranged it, filling the empty space with her anti-aging skin care, applying some of it to his skin for scientific reasons. It smelled good and he looked up into the mirror again.

Something was still bugging him.

But he couldn't really get a hold of it.  
When he finally turned around to leave the bathroom his eyes caught sight of the little garbage bin next to the bathroom door.  
He flipped the lid open with his cane and spied inside. There was a pregnancy test in it, as expected.  
Following his curiosity, ignoring all rules of privacy, intimacy and even revulsion he took the pregnancy test out of the garbage.  
The chemical oracle's answer to the person who had peed on it consisted of only three little letters, already fading, but still visible.  
And House could feel a sting.The sting she must have felt when she had seen that. "NEG", was all the little display said. Curious how a plastic stick and the syllable of only one word could cause so much pain.  
He threw the test back into the bin and opened the bathroom door zestfully.  
He wasn't going to watch her losing herself over something like this.

With her head inside the fridge she felt a lot better now. The bright light and the cold air surrounding her sobered her up all of a sudden and she felt how hungry she was now. So she reached out for a box of tofu and fresh vegetables and decided to steam some rice for a light late dinner. She flinched when suddenly, in the corner of her eye, House's face appeared, peering at her over the edge of the fridgedoor.

"I think we should skip the foreplay, obviously have no time to waste here", he said catching her completely off-guard.

She almost bumped her head against the top of the fridge when she straightened up again and looked at him.

"What makes you think that's the reason I invited you in ?" she replied coldly and he looked back at her just as indifferently.

"You're hormonal, you're grieving and - you like me", he said.

"You're impossible to like, House", she replied closing the fridgedoor with her elbow while balancing a large bowl of ingredients for something that looked like it was going to be a very healthy dinner in her hands.

She placed the bowl on the kitchen table and opened a drawer to look for the instruments needed for slaughtering tofu.

"I'm sorry", he suddenly said and she froze.

"What ?" she asked irritatedly and turned around to look at him.

"I'm sorry that this isn't working. I know you really wanted it. Or at least you really did a great job talking yourself into wanting it."

"What the heck are you talking about ?" she hissed.

She opened a drawer and took out a knife, starting to cut the tofu into cubes, tossing them into the bowl. His eyes followed her quick movements as he continued.

"All this 'happy with husband, house and kid hoke' which already sucks for literary reasons since 'kid' doesn't complete this alliteration anyway, neither does baby, nor child. Hooker does, though."

Slowing down her movements she suddenly looked up, turned around towards him, one fist stemmed to her hip, and stared at him inquiringly lifting her eyebrows.  
When he saw that she was patiently waiting for him to continue, not planning to contradict at this point he took his chance.

"You aren't needy or desperate, you usually take what you want when you want it. Only now for the first time in your life the apple you would like to pick is out of your reach. And now you're fixating on this apple and completely miss the other apples within reach, not to mention the cherries and pears...or the tofu on the other trees", he said looking at the bowl on the table.

"Is this going to be a fruit salad?" she sarcastically asked and turned away from him again, continuing her dinner preparations."Or are you actually trying to tell me something ?"

"You are needy now. And desperate. And a hypocrite. Which makes you the perfect wife for Wilson.I get it that you want this and that you are going for it just as you always do. It's about _how_ you're trying to get it. As always you want the perfect package without any compromises and yet you don't care if it actually_ is_ perfect as long as everybody else around you thinks it's perfect. There's no way you'd have dated that lawyer guy if it weren't for his chromosomes ! You've never been good at making compromises and now of a sudden you are ready to make the biggest compromise only to have this baby. That. Is. Hypocrisy."

She had put the knife aside and was following his rant with a mix of surprise and disbelief displayed on her face. He was actually serious about all this and this was nice for a change.

Still she shook her head.  
"No. That is accepting that you can't always get what you want. I tried to have a child without a man on my side and found out that it made me feel even more lonely. Now I'm trying to find a man first and have a child with him and if he's not the perfect guy, Im 'fine with it. I just don't wanna die alone and miserable."

"If this is about facing your own mortality because you turned fourty you should know this is wrong", replied. "You don't live to leave something behind, you live because it's your life and it's all you have. If you don't wanna die alone you still have plenty of time to find someone. But you don't need to have a child to fill your life with meaning. I know society is telling women your age otherwise but since when do you give a crap about what society expects from women", he ignored her remark and went on.

Cuddy needed a moment to recover. She was flabbergasted and speechless for the third time today.

"But maybe this really is what I want, maybe I _am_ willing to accept compromises now", she finally said, hardly audible. "This isn't just about leaving something behind, but coming home to something even if it's not perfect."

"I'm not telling you to abandon this wish, I'm just telling you to not to rush it before you make a mistake. Slow down.You still have time, enjoy it as long as your ass is still tight enough to take a man's breath away and stop choosing your partners for breeding purposes only. "

His eyes stared at the numerous pictures of other peoples' children laughing at them from her refridgerator door.

"You shouldn't do that to yourself", he added grumpily, realizing that he had revealed more about his feelings than about hers by getting so involved.

Silence rose between them, dangling in the air like a giant elephant waiting to drop down, burying them under its massive grey body.

"Wow", she finally cried out. "When did you turn into a lifestyle guru ?"

"I have a subscription to the Redbook magazine", he said. "All the wisdom of the world on 200 colorful, shiny pages", he added in a commercial break tone, returning to the old cynical self he felt so comfortable being but pretty sure he had made his point.And that she would consider it, because he had left his comfort zone only to tell her that and she would acknowledge that this was a huge step for him and therefore meant something.

She lowered her gaze and turned back to the food she was preparing, silently pondering over his words.  
She frowned.

"Are you saying all this to get into my pants or are you actually serious ?" she asked still skeptical about his motives.

He looked up as if he was thinking this through and then finally stated.

"A little bit of both", he simply said and leaned forward on her kitchen table, where she was now cutting carrots into slices.

She hesitated and looked at him again.

"Thank you", she said after another pause and he nodded, nervously looking back and forth between her face and the carrots.

"So are you planning to feed that to your kids, too ? Cause if yes, you should think about getting knocked up by a rabbit", he finally changed the subject.

She smiled.

"I'm planning to feed that to you and after what you did today you should carefully watch me, I might lose a toothpick in there", she said alluringly.

"You kidding me ? A toothpick is the only thing that might add some flavor to that stuff", he said and grabbed a carrot to nosh it.

Her heart skipped a bit upon the realization that she was again enjoying his company feeling relaxed and calm.  
Maybe it was because with him she always knew what she had, there was no pretending, there were no lies, no expectations. Only a few surprises every now and then.  
Just like today.

Twenty minutes and many grumpy remarks on the food she was preparing later she picked up two plates and walked out of the kitchen into the dining room, where she switched on a dim light and sat down. House followed her hesitatingly knowing he would eventually have to eat what she had cooked because that was apparently all he was going to get in that household.  
With an unhappy look at the plate he picked up a fork and searched through the meal, lifting every piece of vegetable, tossing and turning it around before picking it up and stuffing it into his mouth.

"Are you seriously looking for a toothpick?" Cuddy asked when she had looked at that scene for about a minute and was getting really annoyed by it.

"No. I'm looking for the steak but I think it ran away from the tofu."

"Give it a try, it's really not that bad", she tried to convince him as if he were a child.

"Do I get dessert if I finish this ?" he played along and looked at her coyly.

"Maybe", she shrugged her shoulders and continued eating looking up at him from time to time checking if he was finally eating his dinner, too.

And he was, after five minutes his plate was cleared and he stood up, but suddenly stopped and sat down again, looking at her.

"Sorry. May I please get up ?" he asked and fluttered his eyelashes at her.

She looked at him and stood up. "Let's get you some ice cream, I think all those vitamins have caused severe damage to your brain", she answered dryly and grabbed the two empty plates.

When he reached the kitchen he saw her standing on her tip toes, searching through the freezer. He leaned against door frame.  
Finally reappearing from behind the freezer door she was holding a pint of Dulce de Leche ice cream in her hand, steaming from the cold, and put it on the kitchen table to look for two bowls and spoons and House was still observing her silently.  
As unusual as all this was House had the feeling that this was somehow right. This was real and there was no faking, no pretending, they were just there and it was simple, a matter of course.  
After she had scooped the ice cream into two bowls and was about to take them back with her to the dining room she turned around and saw him, wincing.

"How long have you been standing there ?" she asked.

"Long enough to know that you scooped more ice cream into your bowl than into mine", he complained.

"Sneaking up to someone like that ? That's creepy !" she stated and added: "And the bowl with the big scoop of ice cream was meant to be yours."

When she wanted to leave the kitchen he blocked the door.

"Why did you invite me in ?" he asked her again, sensing the awkward tension that was mastering her and happened to be pretty contagious.

She felt caught and trapped and looked up at him.

"Because I found it irresponsible to let you drive thirty miles on a night like this. And because it's my car and I only give my car to people whose driving style I really trust in."

She didn't sound very convincing to him and he narrowed his eyes when he noticed that.

"So you're not mad at me anymore ?" he asked scrutinizingly.

"The point in being mad at people is that it's intended to make these people reconsider their behavior so that they might change and behave better in the future. And when it comes to you I gave up on that strategy a while ago. You're like the Iraq, sanctions are not doing anything to make you change."

He pulled a face. "That's a pretty far-fetched analogy, don't you think ?"

She remained silent, looking at him, her fingers getting cold from the ice cream in the bowls.

"You're too calm to give me the George Bush version of your new strategy, actually you behave like Switzerland at the moment", he was trying to read the expression on her face.

"I'm just waiting for the right time to go German on you", she smiled and tried to push him to the side.

He refused to move away from the door frame though.

"Okay, what kind of game is this going to be ?" she finally gave up when he kept blocking her way. "Cause I'd really like to win it before my fingers fall off."

"Simple kindergarten game, Truth or Consequences," he explained, taking one bowl of ice cream out of her hand starting to spoon it up and continued. "You tell me the real reason why you invited me in after a day like this and I'll let you go."  
She helplessly looked at him and he explained: "I know you. And no matter how messed-up you are because of this whole baby balderdash you would never allow me to screw with you like that and then save me from getting cold feet on a winter day and serve me tofu and ice cream on top of it."

She averted her gaze and sighed, taking a few steps backwards until she bumped into the kitchen table where she placed the bowl of ice cream.  
Rubbing her cold hands and folding them in front of her chest she leaned back against the table and looked at him again.

"Maybe I thought of this as the best way to punish you since you are the reason why I was going to be alone in my house tonight", she said. "But now you're trapped here with me. And my whips in the closet", she added with a playfully evil smile on her face.

He raised his eyebrow and stared at her until she finally gave in.

"You are obnoxious, abusive, disrespectful and abrasive. And if I had more time I could probably come up with dozens of other adjectives to describe you. Including the few good ones that fit you. One of them being honest. To others, not always to yourself, ironically. I'm just enjoying that because it's nice for a change to have someone around who never lies to you", she admitted.

"What are the other good adjectives that describe me ?" he nailed her down to her own words.

"Funny, smart..." she answered truthfully and hesitated, balancing her words carefully. "And surprisingly lovable at times", she finished, feeling her throat getting dry.

He eyed her victoriously. "So all this is because you love me ?"

"No", she answered a little too quickly. "I like you, though. And I care for you. Just as much as you care for me." Which you prove once more today, she added to herself.

He nodded. "Fair enough", he said approaching her.

"That's it ? That's all you wanted to hear ?" she asked as he was coming closer.

"Just wanted you to be honest", he replied.

He stopped in front of her and put his bowl of ice cream next ot hers. She watched him closely, not moving, carefully controlling her body language since she was afraid her body might give away what she was trying to hide.

"What about you ?" she suddenly asked and he hesitated. "That misery of yours is just as big a lie as my ways of self-deception. I am lying to myself to find happiness, you are depriving yourself of it with your lies. So how can you ask others to be honest to themselves and still manage to live with that lie you keep telling to yourself day in and out ?"

These words surprised him, coming out of her mouth unexpectedly brutally and frankly accompanied by the sharp glare of her sapphire like eyes.  
This _was_ turning into a game of Truth or Consequences.

"Why don't you want to be happy ?" she added finally, now almost sounding sad and added: "You deserve it just as much as anyone else I know."

They stared at each other not daring to blink as he made another step forward and leaned his cane against the table next to where she was standing.

"What are you doing ?" she asked knowing very well what this was going to be. But not willing to believe it.

Her face lit up in anxious surprise and her throat was so dry that she could hardly ask what she was anticipating: "Are you going to kiss me ?"

She sounded amused and bewildered at the same time.

"No need to get hysterical. You already know the feeling", he said and she nodded.

"That is exactly why I _am_ getting hysterical", she replied and he hesitated.

"Now your indecision drives me crazy. Do you want me to be happy or not ?" he said and his eyes smiled while he somehow managed to look miserable with the rest of his face.

She frowned and peered at him almost squinting due to the closeness of his face.

"Are you serious about this ?" she asked him completely bemused that after all these years he was making this move now.

He nodded. "Absolutely serious", he said and felt her hips touching his thigh when he reached out for her. And he was. All he wanted that moment was being close to her, he had already stripped his soul in front of her, now it was time to see how far she would go.

She flinched subtly, asking herself if this was only them being the victims of weird weather circumstances, the Christmas spirit, hormones and all that built up tension between them. Or if it was more. How could it not be more after fifteen years of resistance against that physical attraction that seemed to be there, constantly ? This time she was losing her inner battle, because reason couldn't hold her back, so it had to be more.  
Feeling the warmth of his arm being put around her waist she finally allowed him to pull her even closer until she gave the answer to herself, that this didn't have to mean anything if she didn't want it to mean anything. A little voice in the back of her mind yelled something about self-deception at her but she didn't listen.

Her eyes followed his lips until she felt them on hers and finally closed her eyes, indulging in the first kiss she got from him in over fifteen years.  
It was as if nothing had changed, only better. Because they were more mature, more emotional, more longing, more desperate even.  
The intensity of it took her breath and the room started spinning around as he became more and more longing.  
His kisses tingled and his touches burned, making her tremble. She could hardly tell the difference between pain and pleasure anymore.  
The dishes on the kitchen table clanged and her hands slipped in melted ice cream when she knocked over the bowls, trying to find halt somewhere as she got pressed against the table, now almost lying on it.  
She smiled when she felt the chill of the ice cream between her fingers.

"Maybe we should do this somewhere else", she whispered into his ear hardly being able to take his hands off her to catch his attention.  
She reached out for his cane and gave it to him, taking his other hand in hers, hauling him out of the kitchen to the sofa bed in the living room that appeared to be a smidgen closer than her bedroom, but if you needed a cane to walk, a smidgen actually made a difference.

When they stood in front ot the sofa bed they looked at each other hungrily, like two animals that were waiting for the other one to attack. For a moment it seemed as if they were even reconsidering what they were about to do. But before their minds could cool down she approached him and cupped her hands around his cheeks, feeling his stubbles tickling her palms.  
House's heart stopped when he saw the warmth in her eyes glowing. This wasn't only about sex which actually really made him nervous.  
But the kiss she covered his lips with outshone these thoughts in an instant, flooding his mind with almost electrical brightness. A shiver rushed up his spine and he gently laid her down on the sofa bed, not feeling the pain in his thigh, only a numb throbbing instead.  
When he moved his hands up her legs, starting to undress her she suddenly stopped him and he felt a mixture of relief and fear that she might realize she didn't want this to go any further.

"You sure you wanna do this ? I'm not...I mean...it's not safe to-" she started.

He interrupted her when he understood what she was alluding to. Talk like that was the worst turn-off, which is why there were so many "unwanted" babies in the world.

"With your level of fertility ? I guess I'll take that chance", he shut her up and she nodded.

"Those herbal boosters are a waste of money anyway", he mumbled, his head between her breasts, breathing in the sweet bloomy scent of her skin, the lace of her bra tickling his cheeks.

This was too nice, too hot and too perfect to spoil it with any more worries.

She closed her eyes and felt the rush of blood in her arteries, letting herself fall into the heavy sweetness of this, holding on to him and dragging him with her.


	11. Nothing changes, nothing stays the same

The morning after

He blinked his eyes that were hurting from the sting of the brightness of an early winter morning. The snow outside was reflecting the light, flooding the living room with whiteness.  
At the same time as his conscience woke up his pain did so, too, and he rolled over to search through the clothes lying everywhere on the floor.  
He picked up his cane from the ground and started fishing for his pants until he had found them.  
With his mind still waking up he slowly remembered what had happened, feeling a smile widen on his face.  
He decided he might need two Vicodins this morning and laid back closing his eyes again once he had gulped them down without any water, as usual.  
Eventually he opened his left eye, peering at her from the side, finding her still asleep, lying flat on her stomach. He turned to the side and looked at her.

The picture reminded him of an angel with her pale skin being ambiented by the white sheets, her dark hair framing her face in wild curls that shimmered in the color of pomegranate seeds in the light. She seemed calm and relaxed and he smiled. Without that devil's costume of hers she was actually pretty cute.

For a long time he hesitated to disturb this perfect picture until he could no longer resist. He carefully started teasing her warm skin with the tip of his nose, kissing the edges of her shoulder blades, slowly letting his hand glide down the curve of her spine, reaching for her rear. Closing his eyes he rested his cheek against her back. She was warm and so soft.

He wasn't, though.  
So she pulled a face as she felt the scratching of his stubbles on her skin and slowly turned around, opening her eyes reluctantly.  
The world, the light and her mind faded in unhastily, waking her up, making her realize that all this had not been a dream.

His breath was warm in her neck as he whispered: "You really disappoint me. One night with me and you forget all your duties as the Dean of Medicine ?"

She opened her eyes in alarm and looked at him.

"Why ?"

"It's past nine. I think you missed your morning conference with the Pencil Pusher Society."

For a second her heart seemed to stop but then she let out a sigh of relief.

"No. It got canceled a while ago. And now with the snow..."

She smiled and stretched her body feeling life crawling out of every sleepy corner of it.

"I think I'm finally finding myself liking Christmas", she stated sweetly, wishing there were more days where the world stood still, taking a break from the speed that numbed their troubled minds, distracting them from the emptiness of their lives.

Because the emptiness was in a way nice after all.

"So...we still have a few minutes ?" he asked and bent over her.

"Mh...like ten minutes or so", she whispered in his ear and started kissing it softly.

Almost two hours later

It was almost like a Déjà vu when her car stopped in front of the hospital. Only today there was not an empty paper box of munchkins in his lap.  
And several other things were different today.  
Funny how much two lives could change in twenty-four hours.  
He looked at her.

"So. I guess we shouldn't walk in together", he said, hating this just as much as she did.

The sweet arousal they had got lost in that morning was gone now. Just like the snow that was already melting in the streets, turning into a brown slurry.  
She nodded.

"There's only one thing more suspicious than us coming in together and that would be you coming in earlier than I do. So you wait here", she said and got out of the car, turning around once more to look at him before she walked away towards the hospital entrance, entering reality again.

Her look was dark. Almost regretful. And House knew exactly how she felt. Things were going to get complicated. There was a reason why they hadn't done this in over fifteen years.  
Because it was intoxicating and insane. And Vicodin was already enough of a bad habit.

When her petite silhouette had vanished through the glass door of the main entrance he got out of her car and followed her traces in the snow.

Later that day

"You've only had this case for four hours and you are already trying to kill him ? There's no way you are doing this!" she stomped into his office and yelled at him.

"Patient is dying", he stated, unimpressed.

"Even faster if you do the LP. He has no platelets and his ICP isn't really comforting, either", she said and the three fellows nodded their heads silently.

She looked at them in surprise, since when did they agree with her ?

"Either way the patient is dying so I might as well do the LP because that still gives the patient a chance whereas doing nothing ... ah, I don't wanna spoil it", he stopped and widened his eyes.

"Watching this should be fun. Anyone knows where to get popcorn ?" he said and got up.

Cuddy blocked his way.

"Let me do it", he said, giving her a deep look.

"It's dangerous", she insisted, returning the look with the same intensity.

House yelled. "Yeah ! I got that ! You guys sound like four broken records !"

He took a deep breath and looked around thoughtfully before his eyes met hers again.

"If I don't do this now he will die within the next 24 hours, if I do it, he might die within the next 24 minutes. Or ? He will get better. I wasn't planning on draining his whole CSF, we're talking about a few drops here ! A few drops that could save his life", he said.

Cuddy knew he was right, his patients weren't like other patients and she had to learn that again and again, with every new case he got.  
His patients were practically dead on arrival which gave House free reign most of the times, because there was almost nothing to lose.  
Plus, she was afraid that she might only say "No" to him to prove to herself that last night had not screwed her objective judgment.

"Ok, ", she silently agreed and saw three heads turning at her in unison, surprised, irritated.

"But see if he responds to osmotic therapy and give him some platelets first", she added, knowing he wouldn't listen to her anyway.

Cameron jumped up as if to say something but decided to hold herself back. Cuddy looked at her before she turned around and left the room, knowing very well that Cameron was right with whatever she had wanted to say.  
House's eyes followed her, then he gazed at Cameron, too, and the two of them exchanged bewildered looks.

"That was too easy, wasn't it ?" he asked her and left the room to go after Cuddy.

"I have another patient with migraines. Can I amputate her head ?" he shouted down the hallway and she turned around staring at him defeatedly.

When he had approached her he leaned in towards her and snarled: "You are weak !"

"Do you really think this has anything to do with what happened between the two of us outside this hospital ?" she whispered sharply and came closer, not willing to surrender to his glare.

When she noticed that they were not alone in the hall and that it had to look a little odd that the two of them were only standing there, staring at each other, she let out a silent sigh and gave in, lowering her gaze.

"This isn't gonna work, is it ?" he finally asked, almost sounding disappointed.

She shook her head. "No."

After a pause she continued.

"It's already incredibly hard to be your boss and this isn't really making it easier."  
However, there was no way she was going to discuss that here.  
"Now do the LP", she finished their conversation and turned around.

On her way to the stairway she felt anger rising inside her and she hated herself for her weakness.  
House was and had always been her soft spot, she had known that and she had lied to herself, thinking that it would only be physical.  
She had other interests than her own to represent now, she couldn't afford any kind of weakness.  
If this was just sex, she could probably handle it, but not being able to make objective decisions anymore, told her that this was more.

  
10 hours later

Cuddy had spent the rest of the day avoiding House, avoiding thinking about House ending up bumping twice into him and thinking about him all day.  
Fortunately, his patient had made it through the LP and was already undergoing treatment even though no one knew what he was actually dying of.  
Apart from that case things were really slow in the hospital, there were only few patients sick enough to leave their houses on a day like that. Even the clinic was half empty and Cuddy had taken care of that handful of patients herself.

Life went on and she had known that time wouldn't stand still only because she had broken her promise to herself never to sleep with House again.  
Time could be a bitch sometimes, not allowing her a minute to take a break, to reconsider all this, not being able to turn it back, to undo all this.

But instead of thinking about undoing things she was actually thinking about doing it again.

Fifteen years ago she had managed to hold herself back because she had known that they wouldn't have had a future.  
However, she had always liked him and things were different today. They had known each other for a very long time now, they had become allies, enemies, friends, partners, family.  
He trusted her, he cared for her. And vice versa.  
They actually had a future now, they were living in it right now.  
But how could you find happiness with someone who was intentionally steering away from it?  
How could you find love with someone who was so eagerly and successfully trying to make everyone hate him?

She sighed and opened the glass door to walk into his office.

He was wearing a surgical loupe leafing through what seemed to be a stamp-sized book he was holding between his fingers, turning the pages with tweezers.  
When he heard her coming in he looked up at her with big goggle-eyes.  
She frowned.

"I don't even want to know whose surgical loupe you stole to read this –" she started and snatched the book from him to look at it.

She could hardly read the title without a magnifying glass.

"A mini paperback of French love poems ?" she asked disbelievingly when she had finally deciphered the words.

"Un vent d'amour m'a fait perdre la tête", he quoted and she smiled, not understanding a word.

"When did you learn French ?" she asked and threw the tiny book onto his desk.

"Did my fellowship in Europe, thought you'd remember that, actually", he answered and took off the surgical loupe.

"Yes, in _England_, which is the country where they speak _English_", she retorted.

"The cool thing about Europe is, that it's so teeny-weeny with a whole bunch of crowded countries cramped onto that little bit of a continent, which kind of explains why they're all a bit cranky over there. Oxidative stress", he went on and Cuddy cut him off.

"Can we go ? Now ?" she asked impatiently and he looked at her, surprised.

"Sure", he said and nodded. "Didn't know you were in such a hurry. So...is it your place or mine ?"

"I'm driving you home and then I'll drive back to my place. Without you", she said slowly, emphasizing every word she said.

He looked a little taken aback but nodded again, eventually.

"Okay", he agreed. "Let's go then."

He reached out for his cane and got up. When he walked past her he bent down to her and said:

"You get cranky when you're sleep deprived, you know that ?"

She closed her eyes in annoyance and followed him outside.

"You had dinner already ?", he shouted at her, turning around while he was walking to the elevator.

"We'll grab something on the way home", she responded wearily and he nodded again, feeling uncomfortable about her bad mood.

Bad mood could only mean one thing: She was getting emotionally involved in all this. And that again could only mean that she would probably not sleep with him again.  
And that affected _his_ mood, so that they both ended up sitting in her car, brooding silently until she pulled over at the sight of a Chinese restaurant.

"You're fine with Chop Suey ?" she asked and didn't even wait for an answer.

Half an hour later they were sitting in his living room, silently eating their dinner out of little paper boxes.  
If House had known that sex was such an effective way to shut her up he would have tried that a lot earlier.

When he had finished he put the box on the table and laid back on his couch, stretching his muscles relaxingly and watching her picking up little cubes of fried tofu with her chop sticks.

"So, you wanna talk about this ?" he offered, surprised at himself and at the same time hoping she would say 'No'.

And she did.

So he switched on the TV and started watching an old Nascar race, when she suddenly got up and took the take-away boxes with her to the kitchen.

House's kitchen was an incredible mess and for a second she thought about trying to squeeze the boxes into the overflowing garbage bin and then run away from it.  
But the neat housewife inside her wouldn't allow her to follow her initial instinct, so she stayed and turned the water on.

"Have you ever considered the possibility that your dishes aren't gonna clean themselves ?" she yelled at him from the kitchen, already holding a plate in her hands, trying to scratch off the almost petrified remnants of what used to be a pizza from it.

"I was actually hoping for the primordial soup you're rinsing off this very minute to give birth to intelligent life that would clean up. Guess I was being too optimistic since intelligent life doesn't appear to add to the cleanliness of its environment", he shouted back not making the slightest move to help her with the dishes.

She shook her head, asking herself why she was doing the cleaning anyway but decided she could as well finish what she had started.  
It did serve the purpose of avoiding him without having to leave him. So it was a nice compromise that managed to make her happy for a few minutes.

When she returned to the living room half an hour later she found him asleep on his couch, the Nascar race still going on. She stretched out her hand to softly brush through his curls, but pulled back before her fingers could touch his hair and closed her eyes.  
No, this was not a dream, this was a bubble of illusions bouncing through the air of reality. And it would pop the minute she would wake up lying next to him again.  
Her patients and the hospital were her priority, so she decided to take her coat and silently leave him as long as he was asleep.

She was already on her way to his door when she turned around to look at him, feeling all the stirred and messed up emotions she had for him running riot inside her brain.  
Or inside her heart, at times it was hard to keep these two apart. A smile rose on her lips at the sight of his peaceful sleep and she reached out for her keys in her coat pocket.  
It was their clinking in her hand that woke him up just when her other hand touched his shiny brass door knob.

"Didn't your Mommy teach you anything about manners ?" he asked her and she turned around, startled.

"I didn't wanna wake you up", she apologized and he narrowed his eyes, studying her face.

She seemed tense, uncomfortable and awkwardly calm, which told him that she was raging inside.  
It was obvious to see that she didn't want to find herself liking him but couldn't help it at the moment. He liked her, too. And he couldn't help it either.  
But they both still had their actions under control. And their words.

"I don't need your guilt. Or your pity", he finally said and she frowned, leaning back against his door.

"You really think that's what this is about ?" she asked, not believing him since she knew him better. She knew that he knew her better.

"You're an enigma", he simply replied and she smiled, shaking her head.

"No, I'm not. You're just trying to make something up so you can push me away."

"Is it working ?" he asked, hopefully raising his eyebrows at her.

"Yes."

He sat up and dragged himself to his feet, carefully heaving his right leg. When he limped towards her, he was reaching for his vial of pills in his pocket.

"So you're really leaving ?" he asked, when he finally stood in front of her and let a pill vanish in his mouth.

"Yes", she said again and opened the door.

"No, you're not", he contradicted her and shot forward closing the door with his left arm so that her fingers almost got jammed.

She looked at him acidly and he looked back, peering at her, testing her willpower.

"Yes. I am", she answered and opened the door again, this time more determinately, slamming the door behind her roughly.

He smiled. This was going to be more fun than he had thought.

* * *

_Years before, and six years after House had left for his fellowship in England _

"_American Society of Endocrinology, 12th Renal Week", Cuddy read on the sign in the entrance hall of the Bell Harbor Conference Center in Seattle. _

_She was nervous, since she had come here to represent her whole endocrinological department, probably being the youngest speaker at this conference and at this point certainly also the most nervous one.  
Her career depended on this speech.  
At least that's what it felt like.  
Her presentation was going to be among the last ones on the program, though. Experience had taught her, that usually the last presentations had the greatest audience, since most of the people came in for the dinner afterwards. But they also got the least attention, so she was sure there wouldn't be any uncomfortable questions or complaints. People would see her, would read her name, would read the title of her presentation and that was all she wanted.  
That was all that stuck on peoples' minds anyway after those conferences. _

_She entered the hall where the research posters got presented on fancy white boards that were neatly lined up, forming a huge maze of knowledge no one seemed to care about.  
After she had adjusted to the crowd, the noise and the brightness, she proceeded to the buffet, where she grabbed a bagel and a cup of coffee and decided to enter the maze in order to keep her mind from getting too worked up about her speech. _

_Only fifteen minutes later she had already managed to get lost between the facts and figures of diabetic nephropathy and checked out the conference program to see where she was and where she wanted to go. But she quickly understood that there was too much to discover and too little time. So she decided to leave the maze to proceed to the lecture halls directly.  
When she turned around to go back the same way she had come from she froze._

_He was strolling along the poster walls, indifferently looking at them every once in a while, looking bored and annoyed._

_Her lips curled into a faint smile.  
This had to be him. And he had hardly changed. At least not for the worse, she found and noticed a slight increase in the room temperature. _

Before she could decide whether to approach him directly or to walk past him, pretending she hadn't seen him their eyes met and the world faded out.

First he only glanced at her, not recognizing her and he looked away for a second before his eyes looked back at her, this time on purpose.  
Their blue pierced her from the distance, and she returned the look, even smiled at him sketchily.  
He nodded at her, almost invisibly, so that she wasn't sure whether he had really recognized her or not.

People kept walking by between them but their world stood still and they got lost in each other's eyes.

Suddenly a group of five older men, that were feverishly discussing a research project walked by. Slowly, too concentrated on their discussion to move any faster.  
That finally broke the spell and Cuddy turned around, now determined to leave the poster maze in the other direction, even if that was the longer way out. But she needed to focus on her presentation. She was already nervous enough.

A few hours later

_Her fingers clinged to the edges of the wooden lectern as she let her gaze wander through the intimidating audience that was sitting in front of her, hanging on her lips, soaking up every single word of her introduction. Most of them were older than she was, most of them were men and most of them wore fancy suits and serious expressions on their faces.  
She realized that these people didn't look like they had come here for the free food and took a deep breath, holding it for a second when she saw someone else entering the lecture hall._

_Someone who was not wearing a tie, who was coming in late and asked at least twenty people to get up for him to sit down on the last seat in the middle of the last row. _

_She felt getting shaky and dizzy when she realized that it was House and quickly jumped to the first page of her presentation before she would faint.  
She only turned around eventually during the next twenty minutes, finding out that looking at her own presentation on the front was the best way to ignore the three hundred other people in the lecture hall.  
Whenever she did turn around though, she looked at him, apparently the only person who was not listening to her, instead he was peering at her through tiny holes he must have pricked into the program paper.  
During the first minutes this almost drove her crazy, then it only kept on annoying her given the childishness of this behavior and in the end it actually amused her, since all the other 299 faces were staring at her, taking notes, nodding, smiling, frowning, shaking their heads, doing whatever else was an indicator of attention. _

When the first hands rose and questions were asked she felt getting more and more confident, almost always being able to answer the questions without hesitating.

Only when suddenly his hand rose she felt the nervousness kicking back in.

"_Yes, please, Dr. House ?" she nodded at him and a few heads followed her look since she had only called five other people by their names. _

"_Isn't it a little manipulative to pretreat your cells with cytokines when you're examining the effect of tumor necrosis factor on the expression of - cytokines in your cells ? Sounds a little like snake biting its own tail to me. Or like lab chick biting its own cute little ass, respectively", he asked in his usual cocky tone and now a few more heads turned around to look at him._

_Some people were smiling, some were even chuckling but all of them were then anxiously looking back at her, waiting for her answer.  
She stayed calm though, since she knew he had never really done any experimental research, that was way too much work for him. So this was her territory._

"_You are right, it may sound dubious, if you look at the experiments superficially", she answered, carefully trying to emphasize the words that would tell him the subtext of her answer: That she wasn't going to allow him to ruin one of the most important moments in her career. _

She continued.

"_But maybe you remember my initial introduction to the study where I pointed out that both of our cell cultures were pretreated with cytokines, the ones that received tumor necrosis factor and the ones that didn't. Also, cytokines are the most effective and standardized way to pretreat cells in this experimental setting", she explained and silently thanked the next person whose hand shot into the air the moment she had finished the sentence. _

_There were only two minutes left and she hoped that House would need longer than that to come up with another attempt to humiliate her. _

Two hours later

_House was standing in front of the glass wall of the dining hall on the waterfront, his hands in his pockets, looking outside at the Pacific.  
The water was only slowly, almost viscidly, breaking its waves when it reached the coastline, its whitecaps tickling the rocks whose blackness stared back at the darkness of the ocean.  
The sun had set an hour ago and the lights on Bainbridge Island were now colorfully twinkling through the velvety black of the night. _

A moth hit the glass of the window, not really understanding why it couldn't fly towards the promising light behind the invisible wall. House bent his head and looked at the moth, whose wings left a dusty film on the window with every flutter.  
Funny how animals of the night still always went for the light.

_He felt a hand brushing his back tenderly as he saw the reflection of her figure next to his own in the window. _

"_You really didn't recognize me in the poster session this morning ?" he heard Cuddy asking and noticed that he had remembered her voice being a little higher than it actually was. _

"_I'm bad with faces", he responded and heard her chuckle._

"_But you're good with asses", she said, which made him turn around to look at her, and at her bottom respectively. _

"_It's been a long time since I saw yours", he mumbled and turned around again, to continue staring out of the window. _

"_Judging by the insane number of times you've mentioned it in the past, I think the picture of it must have practically burned itself onto your retina", she kept insisting._

"_Well, what do you expect ? Should be hard to forget something huge like that", he answered and she leaned against the handrail in front of them. _

"_How are you?" she asked, already knowing his answer, actually not even expecting an answer at all. _

"_You seem to be pretty fine. Already sucked your way up to giving speeches at conferences", he evaded her question._

"_You are here, too...But not to give a speech. So what made you come here ? Free food ? The pure enjoyment of humiliating people in front of a large audience ?" she evaded his comment just as well._

"_My girlfriend has a meeting in Vancouver", he replied simply and she gasped for breath at the word "girlfriend" and House noticed her surprise. _

"_In case you don't know, that's that city in Canada, I think it's also about the only city in Canada", he said, mocking her speechlessness. _"_No, wait. There was another one. Something French...Trondheim. Or was that in Norway ? Eh, I don't remember", he continued mocking her, seemingly enjoying that she was still digesting the fact that he had more of a private life than she did._

_They looked at each other. _

_She was still as beautiful as she had been the last time he had seen her.  
Only she was sober now. And she was wearing a black fancy dress instead of a yellow one, that revealed just a little too much of her cleavage.  
Enough for him to remember him covering this area with tempestuous kisses.  
When this memory flashed back he cleared his throat and rubbed his ear nervously. _

Actually, she was even more beautiful now.  
Her hair was longer and shinier, probably due to the expensive treatment she now could afford, and her eyes were even deeper, as if their blue had darkened like the water of the ocean had darkened after sunset. Thin lines around them told him she had worked a lot during these past six years.

She even smelled different.  
He wondered who she was now. And for a second he had the feeling that he had missed something all the time that now lay between them.

_When she felt his looks on her she started getting nervous and looked back into his eyes, trying to keep them from staring at her cleavage. _

_It scared her that his simple presence was enough to make her feel light-headed. She had never really been able to forget him, but after six years her memories had seemed to be nothing more than a dream and now it all felt so real again.  
Without being able to control it she suddenly felt her hand on his. _

"_It's been a long time", she said. "I'm glad you're fine", she added and he nodded, understanding the message of this: That she really meant it. _

_But instead of retorting something sensitive that would have been appropriate in this situation he only awkwardly stared at her hand lying on hers. _

"_You might not like it, but I really do have a girlfriend. A very jealous one", he sneered at her and she gave him a sweet smile, not taking her hand away for another five seconds, making sure he would understand that she was not trying to hit on him. _

"_That's...great", she said almost sounding like a mother who looked at the doodle of her child, trying to hide that she was going to toss it into the garbage only a week later. _

"_Yeah. It's huge ! Like a patient with Down's syndrome starting to talk in full two word sentences at the age of five", House replied snottily and pulled a face that made her shake her head in annoyance. _

"_I'm sure she's wonderful", she finally said, because only a truly angelic person could seriously manage to be in a relationship with this man. _

"_She is", he agreed and turned away from the window, leaning his back against the handrail. _

"_Are you dating anyone ?" he continued the small talk, already tired of this situation since it was obviously not going to lead to anything. _

"_No", she said and somehow felt as naked as she always did when she admitted her lack of a social life.  
"I'm dating the hospital. I want to accomplish certain things in my career before I concentrate on other things, such as a private life", she shyly delivered the little line she had prepared for situations like these. _

"_No need to apologize. Always knew you were gonna make it. You're not homestay-mom material. Though it's admittedly a waste of those superb genes of yours", he said looking at the crowd forming around the dessert buffet. _

_Why was he standing here, talking to her when Stacy was waiting for him in the room ? He finally realized that he was wasting his breath on talking the wrong woman into sleeping with him._

"_Well, nice chat", he therefore suddenly ended their conversation rudely. _"_Gotta go. Have someone waiting for me in my hotel room", he said, straigthened up and left her standing alone, without looking at her again._

_Her eyes followed him, though, as he was proceeding to the buffet, where he helped himself to an oversized portion of Mousse au chocolat and left the hall with it.  
She felt confused and shivered when she felt the cold from the glass wall behind her crawling up her back.  
Finally she straightened up and sat down at the table reserved for the Endocrinologists from New Jersey, trying to join the ongoing conversation but actually still thinking about her unexpected encounter with House. Not getting him, not getting why she felt so close to him, when he was actually not even a mentionable part of her life. _

_  
The next morning_

_Cuddy was leaving her hotel room and took the stairs down to the main lobby from where a long hallway led to the Bell Harbor Conference center adjacent to the hotel.  
A quick look towards the entrance told her that the weather in Seattle was apparently better than its reputation: It was not raining. _

But it was something else than the sun outside that suddenly caught her attention and made her stop on her way: House was standing outside talking to what appeared to be his girlfriend. Cuddy hesitatingly went a few steps closer to take a better look at her and was surprised to find out that she was apparently not just an angel, but also a rather pretty one.  
Cuddy's eyebrow quivered when she saw the woman smiling at House. And it was a relaxed, amorous smile.

When House leant in to kiss the woman, she laid his arms around him and they hugged, which made Cuddy feel like an intrudor.

She turned away ashamedly and continued walking to the Conference center, wondering what a relationship with House asked of a woman.  
Wondering if she would ever have been able to make that commitment.

_She had already completely forgotten about her observation and was chatting with someone she knew from college when she saw him again, entering the hall, immediately looking for the breakfast buffet.  
She excused herself to her former friend and joined House at the buffet. _

"_Thought you left this morning" , she said and he flinched, almost dropping his plate on which he had already stacked a bagel and three donuts. _

"_What are you ? A ghost ?" he snarled at her and eyed her grumpily. _

"_Saw you with your girlfriend", Cuddy kept digging. "She's pretty", she added softly._

"_Are you jealous ?" House looked at her again and frowned. "Or are you implying an offer to a cheerful threesome ?" he asked turning the tables, now being the aggressor in their game. _

"_So she left for her conference in Vancouver and made you stay here?" she persisted. _

"_She's coming back tonight and we'll fly home together", he impatiently replied. "Is this interrogation over now ? Or is there anything else you wanna know ? Her bra size, our flight numbers?", he offered cynically and she rolled her eyes._

"_I was just interested since I would have liked to meet her", she answered coyly and he lifted his finger pointing at her._

"_You are such a bad liar", he said. "But remember that it was you who turned me away, doesn't make any sense to regret that NOW." _

_Cuddy's jaw dropped. _

"_I am not pining", she defended herself. "I was just wondering – God, I'm not going to defend myself", she shrugged her shoulders. _"_I just thought that after six years we might actually be able to talk like grown-ups, but apparently I was wrong. You're still not a grown-up." _

"_And you're still annoying. Comforting, isn't it?" he replied and turned turned around to walk away from her._

"_This. You and me. It would never have worked, would it ?" she suddenly asked after a pause and he turned around, visibly taken aback, his eyes widened in surprise. _

"_No", he shook his head and knew he was lying. "Also comforting, huh ?" _

_She swallowed and nodded, feeling stripped, remembering that she only felt like that around him. Remembering many other things about him that had made her turn him away.  
And at the same time thinking about the things that had made her feel so attracted to him and still did.  
He was the only one who always managed to walk through the invisible wall guarding her as if he didn't even see or feel it.  
He was the only one who touched her, who reached her, who was able to hurt her. Who challenged her for exactly these reasons. _

_He was right. It wouldn't have worked. _

As incredible as the attraction between them was, the force of repulsion seemed to be just as strong. This just wasn't meant to be.

Nothing had changed. She smiled. It **was** _comforting. Because there was nothing to expect, nothing to get disappointed in. __It was genuine._


	12. Friends

_A year after the conference in Seattle_

_The rain was softly pounding against the windows making her sleepy as she checked her watch.  
__She had only had this job for a week and she was already feeling overw__orked and burned out. But that would probably settle down eventually.  
It was just very lonely at the top and people were giving her a hard time, not willing to accept a woman her age as their boss.  
It was strange how medieval certain things still seemed to be nowadays. _

_She decided that she had done enough for today and walked to her coatrack when her phone rang.  
__For a second she hesitated, but then she decided to answer it, there wasn't anybody waiting for her at home anyway. _

"_Cuddy", she snapped at the receiver and it replied "Hi. It's me." _

_Cuddy frowned._

"_That's not really very specific", she coolly answered. _

"_Greg House." _

_Cuddy closed her eyes and smiled but she remained silent, surprised that he called her.  
__House continued when he didn't hear anything from her._

"_The brilliant doctor who taught you how to do proper rectal exams ? Smart ass in the last row of the lecture hall in Seattle ? One – night – stand in the shower ? Vomit ? Does any of that ring a bell ?" he almost yelled through the phone and she finally interrupted him._

"_I know !" she yelled back. "I remember. All of it. Especially the vomit", she said and asked: "What do you want ?" realizing that he had never called her before. _

"_Mh, just catching up. Gossiping a little. Heard the PPTH had a new Dean of Medicine ?" _

"_Yah, I heard so, too", Cuddy played along._

"_Apparently a transsexual", House whispered conspiratorially._

"_They say that she even killed someone to get this position", Cuddy whispered back at him and finally put an end to this. _"_Okay, House. Why are you calling ? For real ?" _

"_Heard you wanted to hire Fuller, and please let this only be a rumor, too", he said._

"_No, it's not. I __**am**__ hiring him. What's so wrong with that ? He has a great reputation", she replied, still not completely understanding the reason for his call. _

_House snorted. "Yeah, right. He does have a reputation. They say he can even outdrink **you**", he said. _

"_I don't care if he has a drinking problem as long as he's doing a great job, which he is, according to his success", Cuddy retorted. "And why do **you** care anyway ?" _

"_I don't. Just wanted to let you know that you're about to make your first devastating mistake that might saw on that career ladder you just managed to climb up with those zesty little legs of yours." _

"_Is this really all this is about ?" she dug deeper. "Cause it's actually late and I'd like to go home", she tried to cut him off. _

"_Yup. Just thought I might tell you that. Along with my congratulations of course." _

"_Oh, so the flowers came from you", she sarcastically answered and he remained silent. _

"_House, I'm hanging up"__, she finally said. "Now", she added and hung up. _

_But with a smile on her face.  
__There was no one else at the moment who was willing to help her, to consult with her, no one she could trust. She knew this was only a ma__tter of time, but for now she was left alone.  
__And he must have known that. He had chosen this time to call her for a reason: because he cared. And that showed her that he had lied to her at the conference a year ago. _

_On the phone she had felt that strange closeness again, this invisible bond that seemed to connect the two of them, making them bump into each other again and again, like there was some kind of meaning behind all that.  
__That was very disturbing. _

_She would still hire Fuller, though, but now that she was warned she would pay more attention to his work. There was no way she was going to fail, she had to prove that.  
__To herself and to all the chauvinistic employees in the hospital that couldn't wait to see her fall down that ladder just as fast as she had climbed it. _

_When she had switched off the lights in her office she suddenly had an idea and went back inside.  
__She pressed a few buttons on her phone and saw that it had saved House's number that momentarily reappeared on the display.__  
She stared at it thoughtfully until it disappeared again.  
__Maybe i__t was time to give this friendship a chance.  
__Though he actually didn't deserve this chance, she thought to herself and left the office. _

New Year's Eve in the present

It's been four days. Four days without fighting, four days they had both managed to behave like adults, mostly by avoiding each other. The only sign of the tension between them being their politeness and the awkward looks they threw at each other from across opposite ends of rooms and hallways. Only four days and Cuddy already found herself missing all of that. The fights, the closeness, the intimacy.

She was knocking against Wilson's door and entered it without waiting for his answer. He looked up from his desk, his soul-antennae instantly sensing that something was bothering her.

"Everything okay ?" he asked and she stopped in front of his desk looking down at him, searching for the right words.

When she continued averting her gaze he leaned back in his chair.

"You seem tense", he said and she sat down.

"Are you and House going to celebrate New Year's Eve together ?" she finally asked and he lifted his eyebrows in surprise.

"Eh", he tried to win time and then answered: "We kind of have this silent agreement, but we didn't actually make any plans.Why ?" he asked inquiringly.

"Nothing," she shook her head and looked down at her hands. "I was just wondering. I had made plans with David, but since we broke up I am pretty sure he'll take someone else to the Rainbow Room tonight", she smiled and looked at him.

He frowned.

"Okay", he nodded, not having the slightest clue which direction this conversation was heading for.

Cuddy already had the answer she had wanted, though. House wouldn't be alone, he would be with his friend, which was good.  
The suicide rate among miserable people was exceedingly high during this time of the year. Also, if he was with Wilson he wouldn't show up at her place and she would be fine.  
She would rent a chick flick and nestle on her sofa, actually enjoying that she was not going to be on a party this year.  
For the first time she could remember, she did not have any plans for New Year's Eve and found that to be a nice change.

With that plan on her mind she got up and turned towards Wilson's office door. But he knew that something was still occupying her mind.  
His natural curiosity and his recent observations made him ask the next question.

"Is everything okay between you and House ?"

She turned around and stared at him, alarmed. Had House told him anything ?

"Yah. Sure. Why ?" she shot and he frowned at her.

"Because the two of you seemed a little uncomfortable around each other lately. Uncomfortable as in 'polite'. You sure there's nothing you wanna talk about ?" he asked again and she hesitated.

She knew Wilson's and House's friendship was closer than hers with Wilson, so she knew, whatever she'd tell him, it would in the end reach House anyway. Wilson was a very bad gossip monger.

"Did he say or do anything ?" he kept digging when she didn't reply and she finally shook her head.

"No. Seems like we also needed a little break sometimes, I guess", she smiled nervously and he nodded, not very convinced.

"Yes, cause House is the kind of person who would get affected by the love loaded spirit of the season", he stated and she shrugged her shoulders.

"Well, I think you're reading more into this than there actually is", she said.

"So. What is there then ?" he retorted and she lifted her eyebrow.

"What?" she irritatedly asked and came closer again.

"I just thought if House did anything to hurt or upset you, you might wanna talk about it. Wasn't that the reason why you came in here to see me ?"

"No", she said. "I just came in here, because I thought you were going to go to the hospital's party."

"I never go to that party, you should know that because you always go there", he replied and she nodded.

"Yes, I guess I forgot that," she said and turned around again, hoping her disguise convinced him better than herself.

"Happy New Year", she wished him on her way out and he replied "Happy New Year, to you, too", instantly reaching for the phone to call House after the door had closed behind her.

"Did you tell Cuddy we were going out tonight ?" he hissed into the phone

"Why ?" House indifferently asked back.

"Because she seemed to be pretty upset that we didn't invite her to join us."

House had to surpress a smile.

"Believe me, Cuddy is not the kind of woman who appreciates mud wrestling championships as much as we do", he stated and Wilson had to agree.

Seven hours later

The DVD menu was shining its colorful lights on Cuddy's face. She had fallen asleep in the middle of her chick flick movie night, she had even missed the countdown to the new year.  
All the silence and the relaxing emptiness of her house had soothed her and she had come to a rest for the first time in weeks, falling asleep on the couch like a baby.  
Therefore she almost fell from the sofa when she heard a forceful knock on the door. She needed a moment to realign and then got up, wrapping herself in her blanket.

There was only one thing that could make that noise and only one person who would use this thing at this time of the day to make that noise so loud.

"It's late", she weakly admonished him when she had opened the door, letting the cold winter air in.

And the smell of his breath that was heavily loaded with scotch. Or whisky. Or beer. Or all of that.

"I really hope you didn't drive here", she said as she let him in.

"Took a cab", he said.  
"Can you -?" he asked her and pointed towards the taxi that was still waiting outside.  
"I ran out of cash halfway on the Garden State Parkway", he added marching inside, leaving wet footprints on her floor.

"Wait, did you just come from Manhattan?" she asked and reached for her wallet, checking if she had enough money to pay the taxi driver.

"Yup. Wilson's still there. I think he has a new girlfriend", he said and Cuddy frowned, not believing a word he said, slipping into her shoes to go outside.

When she returned inside, now being eighty dollars worse off, she found House still standing in the hallway, looking at her with gleaming eyes.

"Happy New Year", he said and she shook her head.

"You are drunk", she said almost compessionately and approached him to help him out of his coat.

But he stopped her, clasping his hands around her wrists, pulling them down and at the same time pulling her towards him, not giving her any chance to start a fight or a discussion.  
His stare met hers in the air between them, where they silently fought an invisible battle of resistance and temptation until he leaned in to kiss her, tottering a little, feeling unsteady.

First she didn't respond his kiss, it tasted weird, like a mixture of alcohol, cigars, barbecue and Cinnamon Altoids.  
But she gave in when he let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her waist making her feel like she belonged where she was.  
She closed her eyes as she felt his breath brushing the skin on her face and the scratchy tickling of his stubbles.

It was easy to sleep with him again, now. And she knew it would happen again and again, just like this, unless she put and end to this for sure.

But if this was her New Year's resolution, this could wait until the morning, she thought to herself and stripped his coat off his shoulders, gently letting her hands glide down his back, embracing him hungrily.

Nine hours later

She felt his heavy arm lying on her stomach, waking her up feeling nauseous. And pressing against her bladder. She freed herself from the arm and got up to drowsily march into the bathroom.  
When she returned she was awake enough to realize that it was really House who was lying in her bed and she sat down on it, looking at him.  
There was no other way, this had to end, she finally decided and shook her head, getting up to walk into the kitchen for some coffee.  
She was sure he would have a horrible hangover, so she prepared a hangover breakfast for him and arranged it on a little tray. It only consisted of a glass of water with one Alka Seltzer dissolving in it, a smoothie of squeezed oranges, mangos and carrots and his vial of Vicodin.

When she entered her bedroom again, she saw that he was half awake, trying to shut the day out of his sleep for a few more minutes.  
With a loud noise she put the tray down on the nightstand next to him, clearing her throat, making sure he would be able to hear that.

"House", she finally said, when he didn't react. "I know you're awake."

"No, I'm not", he childishly contradicted and turned around.

"I made you breakfast", she teased him, rattling with his pills.

That made him open his eyes and he turned around towards her, to swipe the pills from her hand.

"Here", she lifted the smoothie, "you should drink that along with the pills, or your stomach will kill you one day."

"Who said that that wasn't exactly my plan ?" he replied and she smiled.

"Thought your plan was to die of liver failure", she shot back and sat down on the bed, placing her hand next to his leg.

"House. I don't want this. I want you to leave", she unexpectedly announced calmly but very seriously.

He was suddenly wide awake. She sure had laid awake most of the night thinking about that.  
The dark circles and lines under her eyes told him that and he knew this would have come at some point.  
Because this had been way too easy up to now and because they saw each other every day and could not just continue avoiding each other. The had to talk about this.  
And she had obviously decided to fulfill her New Year's Pledges the most effective way: as long as she still had them.

"I never asked you for a commitment", he said after he had regained his voice and she nodded.

"I know. But I'll ask for that eventually. And I know you won't be able to make it."

"I knew there was a reason why I drove to you instead of Cameron. You are one-night-stand approved. I knew you'd let me out of this", he finally decided to turn the tables so that she wouldn't see that he had actually hoped she would never ask for more since she should know him better.

But how could he expect that from her ? After all that she had accomplished, and facing all she wanted now, she wouldn't settle for the compromise that loving him would ask of her.

"House, this isn't a one-night-stand anymore", she said and he agreed silently.

"Please", she continued, "I can't deal with this. I don't want to. I just want us to be friends, like we've always been."

He nodded and shrugged his shoulders. "Okay. I got it. Though we both know that men and women can never be friends."

"You know that's not true. I consider you as a friend. One of the best ones I have", she said softly.

"Well, that says a lot about your friends", he sneered at her and she got up, relieved that his cynicism came in handy making her feel good while turning him down.

"But a little sex...occasionally...among friends ?" he asked when she was almost halfway out of the bedroom and she turned around smiling.

"No", she replied, thinking that she would actually miss their one-night-stands.

An hour later her car stopped in front of his place and she looked at him.

"You really think this is gonna work?" he asked her, after he had remained silent for the whole ride, almost laughing at her naivety.

"No", she said again, feeling that this word was summarizing her current feelings pretty well and efficiently. "But there is no way any of this would work", she added.

"You are a coward", he pointed his finger at her.

"Says the man who pushed the love of his life away for good", she snapped back remembering how he had turned Stacy away less than a year ago.

She knew she was in a way doing the same thing with him, now, but at least she had done it before he could do it to her, too.

"I didn't push her away. She was married", he retorted and she laughed.

"As if that had ever held you back", she said.

"What is holding YOU back" he replied wisely and looked at her.

She sighed and shook her head, reaching out for him to hug him goodbye. He stiffened and silently allowed her to place a soft kiss on his cheek. She felt his breath tickle her neck and breathed in his smell before she pulled back and looked at him again.

"Your very own words are, House. I'm not up for compromises", she simply replied.

"Happy New Year", she added and swallowed the tears that were suddenly trying to make their way into her eyes.

"Is that a promise or a curse ?" he shot back and turned away to get out of her car.

Before he opened the door to his building he turned around at her again, looking as miserable as he always did. And that comforted her, somehow. Because she knew, she hadn't made him more miserable. This hurt her more than him. Which was exactly why her decision had be right.

She didn't know how wrong she was.

House leaned against the door when he had entered his apartment and closed his eyes tiredly. His hand reached out for his thigh that had started throbbing halfway on the ride to his place. It felt as if the pain was staring at him out of the numb emptiness of himself, like a wild beast, without which he couldn't even remember what life had been like.  
He limped towards his sofa, gulped down an extra dose of his pills and switched on his Hi-fi as the world silently faded out, and his mind drifted away with the sound of his music.

All this was wrong. But there was no right either.

_Only a few days after House had called Cuddy in her office to "congratulate" her on her promotion_

"_Who is Lisa Cuddy?" Stacy innocently asked, hugging House from behind as he was sitting in front of his computer, answering emails, going through research articles, trying to occupy his mind. _

"_Some gal I knew back in Michigan", he indifferently replied and felt Stacy's hug loosen. _

"_And you're still emailing ? You must have been close", she teased him, knowing that she had to be right. _

"_We're not. I met her again at that conference you dragged me to", he contradicted grumpily._

"_Really ?" Stacy asked surprisedly and moved forward to lean against his desk, looking at him playfully. _

"_Why didn't you tell me ?I'd have loved to meet her. She's apparently something special if you still __keep in touch with her." _

"_What is it with women that they always want to be friends with each other?" he ignored her last sentence and looked at her in annoyance. "Is this about hugging your enemy so that he can't reach out for his weapons? God, those hormones make you so weak", he squeaked._

"_Yah, whereas men are completely resistant to their hormones", she countered sarcastically and smiled. _"_Is she pretty ?"__ she kept digging seemingly enjoying this. _

_She didn't do it because she was jealous. She did it because she finally had something she could annoy __and tease him with. And because she was still trying to figure him out. _

"_I had a little fling with her", he impatiently replied, staring at the screen again, where he was surfing on some kind of Hawaiian website now. "Did you know your name was Kaki in Hawaiian ?" he quickly deflected trying to wipe out his confession whose echo was still dangling in the air. _

_Stacy smiled. "So she is pretty. And she turned you away, I assume ?" she cleverly stated. _

"_And my name's apparently Kelekolio", he ignored her and pulled a face. "Who would ever wanna call their son Kelekolio ? Sounds like a moron. Or a rare tropical disease." _

_Stacy's hand reached out and tenderly brushed through his hair when she finally gave up and shook her head smiling forgivingly. _

"_I'm going to bed", she said. "Don't wait too long till you follow or I'll be asleep", she added and gave him a flirtatious look._

_He returned the look and after she had closed the door behind her he minimized the window in front of him and finished his email to Cuddy. He was only forwarding an article he had found on 'pubmed' to her, but he was sure she would enjoy that article just as much as he did since it was really poor. And on top of it Cummings had written it. The Neurosurgeon he had saved her from sleeping with. _

_He didn't really know why he did this, but he had the feeling he had to.  
__Just like he had had to make that call the day before.  
__Because he knew that his behavior on the conference had been inappropriately mean and that he had hurt her. _

_He had never expected to see her again, though. And it had caught him completely off-guard.  
She had stunned him. With everything.  
Her beauty, her temper, her confidence, her unexpected calmness that now lay in her eyes.  
She had seemed to have come so far and he had felt as if he hadn't moved a bit. _

_And he would never understand why she had turned him away and at the same time always made the first move towards him.  
__That was inconsistent and indecisive and it didn't look like her.  
__Which told him that she had a soft spot for him, that he could to turn her world upside down like that and made her leave her ice castle.  
__However, that he had remembered that Neurosurgeon's name revealed a lot about what she had done to his world, too.  
__This was definetely something he needed to explore to understand it.  
__Because if this wasn't love it could actually become an interesting friendship. _

_He moved the cursor onto the "Send" button and clicked with a smile on his face. _


	13. Seeds

Thanks for your comments ! Hope this part won't bore you...

* * *

Five weeks later

Cuddy was in the middle of her annual "scare rant" standing in front of fifty eager medical students in their fourth year, introducting them to their last elective.  
She knew that medical students in their last year happened to be the most arrogant ones before they ended up being the most frightened interns only a few months later.  
So she always welcomed them personally to make sure they wouldn't be entering their last elective being too confident.  
She actually hated herself for doing this since she remembered rolling her eyes at the doctors who held lectures like that during her medical school years.  
But as times changed, views of perspective changed, too.

„I am glad to inform you that all of you could be accomodated in the department of their choice. You will meet your attendings in their offices tomorrow morning at nine.  
During the upcoming four weeks they and the residents they'll assign you to will be your partners, if you have any problems with them you'll let me know.  
But try to cope with whatever you'll face 'cause that's the way it'll be once you're doctors, you'll have to work with people you like and with those you don't like.  
And any kind of experience, whether it's a social one, a medical one, a good or a bad one is of value.  
Try to learn as much as you can and always stay longer if you can because the most interesting cases happen to come in at the most unusual times.  
I know I probably don't need to tell you this since you've been there before, but I do it anyway since this is your last chance to learn something before it gets serious.  
Many of you will apply for internships at the end of this elective but I need you to understand that only five percent will be accepted here and that doesn't necessarily depend on the grades you get in your board-exams", she lectured hundred eyes that were now very seriously staring at her.

Suddenly she heard a voice coming from the right side entrance of the lecture hall.  
A very familiar voice, the last voice she wanted to hear right now. She rolled her eyes and sighed, ready to get humiliated.  
But she wasn't ready for _this_.

"What Dr. Cuddy is trying to tell you", House interrupted her, "is, that eventual sperm donations made to this hospital, or rather to the person who is running it, could boost your chances to get the desired position. Which may seem a little unfair to the female medical students in here, but you shouldn't worry about your careers anyway. You better get pregnant before you end up like her", House cockily continued Cuddy's lecture and pointed at her while saying those last words.

At the sight of a pretty girl with long curly black hair and blue eyes in the first row he narrowed his eyes and leaned towards Cuddy lowering his voice.

"Have you asked her for her ova ? I mean, if times get really desperate you should. Cause that resemblance between the two of you is just creepy. She could be a younger fertile you."

He turned around at the blushing student.

"You should so totally apply for a job, I think you have a good chance to make it here with those genes", he mocked her and Cuddy pulled herself together with all her willpower not to kill him.

Her eyes were obviously not under control of her willpower, since they were apparently once again trying to stare him to death.

"Can we talk ?" she hissed through clenched teeth and grabbed his arm to pull her out of the lecture hall.

"This was totally inappropriate and absolutely not necessary", she tried to yell at him without actually being able to raise her voice because she didn't want to entertain the students inside the lecture hall even more.

For a moment she only stared at him and he stared back knowing she was right and enjoying her rage.  
Her self-control was absolutely unequaled, she looked calm on the outside and even managed to smile at people walking by, but House could see that in fact she was spraying invisible sparks of fury.  
She was still cute when she was angry, even though he now had very recent memories of other times when she was even cuter.  
But her anger was all he was getting from her ever since she had decided that sex with him impaired her judgement too much. And her ability to boss him around at work.

"Just as unnecessary as assigning a medical student to my department. What did the poor girl do to upset you that much ?" he finally replied.

Cuddy opened her mouth and let out a silent laugh.  
She should have seen this coming. But for some reason she had hoped that an ambitious, innocent and pretty medical student would appeal to his pride – if not his manhood - and distract him a little from annoying her. It had worked before. But it had admittedly been a desperate move.

"She wanted this elective. Neither your reputation nor my words could convince her to choose a different department", she replied, "And since she pays quite a fortune for her Princeton education she deserves what she wants. She is smart, House. Give her a chance. It is your job to teach anyway since this is a _teaching_ hospital."

"I hate teaching. It's a waste of time because they never listen anyway."

"I listened. And I learned a lot from you. You are a good teacher. And you are doing this."

He furrowed his brows at her.  
"Did you just say that teaching would be too time consuming to actually allow me to do clinic hours as long as she's ravaging my department?" he asked her with ostenation.

She smiled. "After that little stand-up comedy show in there ? No. It's clinic duty _and_ med student or –"

"Or what ?" he interrupted her. "You are never gonna fire me."

"I've already done that!" she retorted and lifted her eyebrows at him victoriously.

"Yeah. And we all know where that ended", he silently replied and walked away from her.

She pressed her lips together in defeat, folding her arms in front of her chest, sadly watching him walk away.

Three days later

Right when he was reaching out for her door to push it open dramatically he hesitated and looked at her closely through the glass.  
She was sitting on the sofa on the left side of her office, her feet resting on the table with her head leaning against the backrest. A medical journal was halfway lying on her lap, halfway slipping out of it and her eyes were closed.  
She was sleeping. She had never fallen asleep in her office before.  
With an evil smile House now burst into her office even more noisily than he had originally intended to.  
She flinched and immediately woke up, the journal now falling down onto the ground where she embarrassedly picked it up from at once.

"You were asleep", House stated, narrowing his eyes.

"You didn't knock", she shot back and got up, angry about herself, fleeing behind her desk where she felt much safer.

"You never sleep during the day. First of all because your office has a glass wall and you probably don't want your staff to see that you are sleeping in here while they are working their asses off. Second of all because you are always way too caffeinated to get all comfy and drowsy at work."

"Since when do you work your ass off ?" she asked, absently filing through a pile of papers, trying to make up for the time she had wasted on sleeping.

"Since when do you practice power napping ?" he retorted and she finally gave up and smiled at him, folding her hands patiently on the desk in front of her.

"Okay. What is it _today_ ? Someone took the last raspberry jello in the cafeteria before you could get any ?" she mocked him.

"I am bored. And this is your fault. Because you're stealing my patients and refer them to other specialists."

"I am not stealing any patients from you since they aren't your patients to begin with. I am referring them to doctors that are affiliated with this hospital.  
If you had ever found it necessary to attend our staff meetings you would actually know that this is they way it's gonna work from this year on", she declared and looked at him annoyedly.

"But since I am the diagnostician it should be me who decides where they get referred to, you should consult with me first and then send them away", he insisted and she snorted.

"Yah, sure. As if anybody could ever 'consult' with you. I am referring them because they already have a diagnosis. Mine."

"But if you make a wrong diagnosis you are referring them to the wrong specialists", he said. "And you make wrong diagnoses", he added meanly.

"Well, if you wanna make diagnoses for yourself you're free to do clinic duty where you can diagnose hundreds of patients each week", she retorted and felt like she had said that at least a million times ever since she hired him.

"I think you are just trying to get back at me for humiliating you in front of those dim-wit med students", he snarled at her.

"House, seriously ? If I really wanted to get back at you for the countless number of times you have humiliated me during those past five weeks, let alone the past years, I would have to resign and turn this into a full time job", she replied.

He had indeed been increasingly abrasive and obnoxious over these weeks lying behind them so apparently she had hurt him.  
Or merely his pride. This was only his way of dealing with it. But she was fine with that, at least he was moving on and eventually the waves would soften again.

"Well then give me my patients back."

"They aren't your patients. They are the hospital's patients and I assign them to you if I think this is the best way to take care of them."

"Then assign the guy with the rash to me."

"No."

"Why not ?"

"I already referred him to the Dermatologists over at Princeton General."

"Dah ! This is about getting back at me, you know I hate this guy at Princeton General."

"You hate everybody. And I am really more professional than that, House. I am over this. And you should get over it, too", she finished the conversation and raised her eyebrows giving him a sign that this was the right time to leave her office.

"You are wrong. This isn't a primary skin condition", he growled "and that med student you sent me is useless", he added and left her office as noisily as he had entered it, slipping the janitor outside some money to make sure her trash would be his the next morning.

The next morning

A few chewing gum wrappers, a shopping list, a bunch of envelopes and letters, mostly ads, an empty box of antacids and three empty paper cups of regular coffee: That was all her trash revealed. House picked up the shopping list. It was perfectly innocent. But the fact that she drank so much coffee and still managed to fall asleep in her office still bugged him.

Cameron marched into the office, followed by Chase and Foreman and the three of them stopped in front of his desk looking irritatedly at the trash on it.

"Found anything in the biopsy ?" he asked without looking up.

His three musketeers stared at each other uncomfortably and when they remained silent he finally tore himself away from searching Cuddy's trash.

"You're willing to share the news with me, or do you wanna turn it into a scavenger hunt through the hospital ?" House asked them and Cameron finally decided to fill him in.

"We didn't do the biopsy", she started hesitatingly and House didn't even have to ask why because he already saw the woman in black approaching his office, almost hovering, like a dementor with a very revealing cleavage.

"You stole a patient from another doctor !" she yelled at him not wasting any time on the notion that he had some very familiar looking trash piled up on his desk.

"Where's your med student ?" she added, puzzled when she only saw the three little kittens standing in House's office.

"Torturing clinic patients", House indifferently brushed that topic aside and focussed on what was actually bothering him.  
"And the patient doesn't really belong to anyone, how degrading would that be ?" he mockingly played the moral card on her knowing this would annoy her even more.

Just when she was about to raise her voice again she felt the dizziness she had already woken up with this morning kicking back in.  
She knew she was coming down with something and calmly took a step back to sit down on the footrest in front of House's armchair.

"Are you alright ?" Chase asked rushing towards her and she looked up noticing that everybody was staring at her, including House.

She forcefully stared back, trying to make up for her obvious physical weakness and tried to ignore the spinning room around her.

"You are giving this patient back to Bernstein. He has a contract with this hospital. This _is_ his patient", she calmly commanded House when she had regained her strength, still feeling shaky.  
"And take care of your medical student."

"Only if you can walk out of this office without fainting" he replied, skeptically peering at her.

He knew she was trying to disguise that she was hardly able to sit straight, trying to maintain her shield of invincibility.

"I am fine", she therefore snarled, "I'm just a little dizzy", she explained and finally got up again as if trying to prove her own words.

"Maybe if you didn't gulp down three cups of coffee every morning you would feel better. But wait, I may not even make this diagnosis since you're not my patient, may I ?" he mocked her and she came to a halt in front of his desk, picking up what she recognized being her own handwriting on a shopping list.

"Is this my trash ?" she asked innocently.

"No. Paris Hilton's. I'm trying to sell it on ebay. Wanna place a bid ?" he asked and looked up at her.

She sighed and returned his look. He was the best diagnostician and she did have her doubts that her diagnosis was right, it was one of those diagnoses made by exclusion.  
House usually came up with more things to exclude than she did.This was about the patient's health only, it wasn't about legal issues. And it was even less about her and House.  
Finally she leaned towards him over his desk.

"You have one day to prove my diagnosis wrong. If you really find something the patient is yours", she finally gave in and turned away, trying to concentrate on every step as she left the office.

On her way out she felt his stare piercing through her nosily and wearily rubbed her forehead with her palm, feeling tired and worn-out.

When the door to the stairway down to her office had closed behind her and she had made sure she was alone she took a moment to recover, leaning on the bannister closing her eyes until the room finally stopped spinning. Now she was cursing herself for failing to get her flu shots this year.  
And House was wrong, she hadn't had a single cup of coffee this morning, instead she had woken up already feeling dizzy and nauseous.  
In fact, she had felt exactly like that before.

"Oh God", she finally moaned and looked up when the realization that this might be something completely different than the flu reached her mind and she instantly tried to push it away.

She _was_ late on her period but given the fact that she had messed around with her hormones that hadn't surprised her at all. She took a deep breath.  
This didn't have to mean anything, she told herself and decided to deal with this later.

Apparently fate had different plans with her since she found House already in her office by the time she returned to it.

As always he was sitting behind her desk on her chair going through her personal stuff.

"Do you actually like Pollock or are you just trying to suck up to get new lights for the O.R. ?" he said looking up from her agenda.  
"Cause if you are a fan of his art I will from now on see you through totally different eyes".

"I already gave you what you wanted, so what is it _now_ ?" she whined walking towards her desk.

And he stood up.

"You are dizzy. And nauseous. And you load your system with a dose of coffee that would turn a sloth into a furry bundle of flurry and still you manage to fall asleep during the day", he summarized the recently observed changes in her behavior.  
And only parts of his brain faintly realized what this could mean when he innocently asked: "Anything you need to tell me ?"

"I'm not pregnant", she replied, surprisingly fast and at the same time trying to convince her body to concur.

He frowned, wondering why she had instantly known he was suspecting her of being pregnant.

"You've already taken a test ?" he asked obviously taken aback and also sounding a little worried, too.

"No. But even if I were pregnant this would be none of your business", she snapped.

"Actually it would, since it's a set of my perfectly selected genes we're talking about here and I wouldn't want you to carry them around with you", he shot back just as snappishly.

"Well if you love your genes that much then maybe you should take care of them better next time", she hissed at him and straightened up, suddenly feeling stronger for some strange reason.

He bent his head to the side, peering at her, when more and more parts of his brain were flooded by the uncomfortable idea of her owning one of his cells now. Forever.  
Because this meant that it was out of his control. This was all that she had wanted.  
He pointed his finger at her as he leaned in over her desk.

"You weren't even gonna include me into this, were you ?" he asked her.

"Why are you so obsessed with this ?" Cuddy snapped back, now seriously getting annoyed.

"Why are you so obsessed with denying this ?" he countered and she raised her eyebrows at him.

"I haven't even taken a test yet !" she finally replied and calmed down. "I think we are getting a bit ahead of ourselves here. There's no need for you to wet your pants already now, besides you were not the only one I slept with and you know that", she concluded in a very low voice and they stared at each other, trying to win this battle silently, knowing there were neither winners nor losers in this game.

They both felt angry and scared, feeling the tension rising between them, the tension that had had five weeks to build up.  
She had really thought they had managed to deal with this calmly but apparently she had been wrong when it was only this tiny faint idea of the possibility of her being pregnant that could stir them up like that.  
Neither of them dared to move or speak, fearing that this would cause the air around them to strike a light.

The door opened behind them and Cameron and Chase marched in.

They hesitated when House and Cuddy turned around quickly, obviously getting interrupted in a heated debate.

They stared at Cameron and Chase who stared back until Cuddy and House lowered their gazes and looked around awkwardly as if trying to cool down.

"Blood results are back", Cameron regained her speech first. "Patient is positive for Cockayne's syndrome", she announced and House grinned at Cuddy, leaving his position behind her desk.

As he walked past her he hesitated and bent down towards her.

"You may always get what you want, but this patient is mine", he said wisely almost smiling now and followed Cameron and Chase outside.

Before he left her office he turned around.

"You can have those genes. I don't want them anymore", he said and left her alone.

She leaned against her desk and watched him walk away, pondering.  
He was right. She did always get what she wanted.  
But she didn't want _this_.

_

* * *

_

_Years ago, a month after Cuddy had hired House_

"_You know, interrupting people while they are having hot phonesex is really mean", House wisecracked when he walked into her office and Cuddy lifted her eyebrows in fake surprise, hanging up her phone at the same time. _

"_You weren't talking to Stacy", Cuddy replied, "so I guess I did a good job interrupting you having phone sex with whoever you claim to have had phone sex with." _

"_How do you know I wasn't talking to my girlfriend", he asked her and furrowed his brow at her. "Were __**you**__ having phone sex with her just now? Cause then you should have paged me earlier." _

_Cuddy leaned back in her chair and folded her hands on her stomach looking up at him condescendingly. _

"_I was talking to Stacy because she is __worrying about your lawsuit a lot more than you are. __**I**__ had to calm her down telling her that you were actually worried, too, which is worrying __**me**__. Because first of all comforting my employee's girlfriends shouldn't be my job and second of all because I hate lying." _

"_Okay, I got it, you are pissed because I interrupted your sweet little tryst, but you paged __**me**__ !" he sneered at her. _

_She stood up and leaned onto her desk. _

"_I am pissed because you'__ve only worked here for a month and you already have the first lawsuit being filed against you. On account of your incredible insensitivity towards the family of that patient you killed ! The reason why Stacy called me was because she is trying to help you get out of this. But I think it'd be way more easier if you just apologized to this family." _

"_Why ? I didn't kill their father, he killed himself with those mushrooms he was growing in his garden." _

"_But you weren't really helping the family comprehending that either because you were too busy making fun of their lifestyle choices. You hurt them enough to make them waste the money their father left behind on the area's most expensive lawyer. This lawsuit is going to cost us more money than you're worth at the moment. You are the hospital's white elephant and I am going to fire you. I don't want to do that because that means that I have to admit I was wrong which I never thought despite your high-maintenance personality. But this is still a probationatory employment and Stacy knows that, too. She doesn't want you to get fired either, because she said you liked your job. I didn't really get that impression, but maybe you're just shy and actually are a totally different person at home."_

"_I'm not gonna apologize", House simply responded to her rant and she straightened up. "Cause I was right. Someone had to tell them that at some point", he defended his behavior and Cuddy shook her head. _

"_Is this all you're gonna say about this ?" she asked and House nodded. _

"_Okay", she said dangerously calm and looked at him seriously. _

"_Then go. I have some calls to make", she finished their conversation frustratedly and glared at him. _

_When the door had closed behind him she let herself fall back into her chair again and sulked._

_She had hired him only a month ago, obviously in a sudden trace of incredible imbecility, but__ she had actually thought that he might have changed. After he had called her to congratulate her on her promotion they had developed some kind of friendship, that had basically consisted of emailing each other memorable – most of the time funny - research articles they came across every once in a while, along with a few snarky comments or the latest medical gossip.  
Apparently that was just their kind of showing each other that they were still there.  
__But it had created the illusion that his relationship with Stacy might have stabilized him into being less unpredictable and easier to deal with. _

_A month at work with him had proven her wrong, though. He had rejected over thirty of the best fellows that had applied for jobs at his department, most of them for ridiculous reasons like the sound of their names, their haircuts, their handshakes, their musical taste or even their shoe size. _

_She had seen him every day during those four weeks and it actually surprised her that she hadn't killed him yet, instead she had to admit that he made her job more interesting at times, that he was almost always the only person who made her laugh. He made the incredible responsibility she had in her position seem less stressful because he took nothing seriously.  
That had eased her view on things, too. That, and the fact that he was now always the biggest problem at work. Compared to him, other staff member's booboos or finding donors for new machines in the lab seemed like a breeze.  
__And he had saved the lives of three people that had practically been declared dead by almost every other doctor on the East Coast. She thought that that should be worth it.  
__But it wasn't.  
__This was going to cost the hospital money. This was only the beginning and if he already managed to get sued within four weeks she didn't even want to think about what he would cost the hospital in the future.  
__It was sad that she had to compare the value of human lives to the value of lab equipment. But it was a fact that she had to consider the budget, because she was now not just a doctor anymore. She was also a businesswoman.  
__And bad lab equipment would in the end cost more lives than a new diganostician who was not as brilliant as House.  
__She knew there was only one thing she could do. And she could as well do it now.  
__Maybe that was exactly what he needed.  
__She closed her eyes and reached out for the phone again. _

"_Hi, this is Lisa Cuddy again", she replied when she heard Stacy's voice at the other end of the phone._

"_Oh, hey. So, have you talked to him ?" Stacy asked, still not knowing the face belonging to that voice. _

_But she knew that Greg liked her, she knew he had had a fling with her during his residency, therefore Lisa Cuddy had to be pretty. And she knew that she had to be smart.  
Those were enough reasons for her to either hate her or become her best friend and she found herself liking her because she wasn't the type of woman who felt threatened by other successful good-looking chickens in the coop. _

"_I have and he is not gonna apologize. Just as you and I expected it", Cuddy's voice said wearily and added: "Is there anything else you or your colleagues could do ?" _

"_No. I guess not. Seems like he really blew this, doesn't it ?" _

"_He did. And it'll happen again." _

"_But he really liked this job, it was the first time ever since we've been togther, that I've seen him that – happy", Stacy said, feeling awkward using this last word to describe Greg House. "Can't you give him a chance?" _

"_No. His position is currently only probatory, I have to fire him. Technically not before the lawsuit is lost, but I need to fire him, he needs to understand that it doesn't work like this. If I wait until the trial's over it may seem that my decision is only based on the outcome of the trial. But it isn't. This is about principles. I need to draw lines before they get crossed." _

_Stacy swallowed. But she understood._

"_You know he isn't going to __change, no matter what you do", she told Cuddy._

"_I know that, but the world doesn't only revolve around him." _

"_But he is a good doctor." _

"_He is only as good as his contribution to the benefit of this hospital and his patients", Cuddy stated coldly and heard Stacy swallow again. _

"_Thank you for calling me", she finally replied hoarsely. "__I know you did all you could to help him. I'll keep on trying", she said politely and Cuddy nodded. _

"_Good luck", she replied in a grieving tone and hung up on Stacy, taking a deep breath, staring emptily at the computer screen in front of her before she got up and marched out of her office. _

_When she reached House's office, she pushed his door open forcefully, startling him who seemed very concentrated on something going on on his computer screen. She furrowed her brows at a pile of paper frogs on his desk and shook her head desperately. _

"_Okay, I don't know what I need to do to make you understand how important it is that you learn to admit a mistake every once in a while. Stacy is trying to wind the other lawyer around her little finger this very moment, I have tried to calm the patient down while you were sitting in your office all day, refusing to do clinic duty, refusing to do job interviews, making origami frogs and downloading pictures of teenagers that are neither teenagers nor real blondes." _

_With these last words her hand shot forward and she quickly switched off his computer screen. _

"_Listen to me ! I__f the woman you love doesn't even manage to convince you that this apology could save your job, how should I then ? I am the only one who can control this mess and I have to put the kibosh on this. I'm firing you."_

"_What, today?" he asked her, trying to sound indifferent but not completely being able to hide that this did discomfort him. _

"_Yes. Now."_

"_You're not even giving me a fair second chance ?" he wondered, surprised to see her in such a rage. _

"_No." _

"_What if I don't lose the lawsuit ? Will you then come to me crawling on your knees, begging __**me**__ for a second chance ?" he cockily asked and leaned back in his chair, looking at her seemingly unimpressed. _

_She put her hand on her hip, her other hand resting on his desk and bent down towards him. Her long curly hair fell forward and he couldn't help but staring at her cleavage. _

"_I didn't beg for the first chance", she snapped at him, ignoring that he didn't even try to hide what he was looking at. "I offered you this position and you took it. I didn't sandbag you into this. And I'd never crawl on my knees. I'm not Catwoman."_

"_I know, cause your name definetely isn't Patience", he said, averting his gaze from her breasts when she straigthened up again. _

_Cuddy rolled her eyes and clicked her tongue. _

"_I had hoped this would work. But you made it impossible", she finally said and looked at him, obviously disappointed, before she turned around and pushed the glass door open to leave him. _

_Three days later_

_It was calm in her office. No phone ringing, no appointments today and no House barging in, unnanounced and yelling something inappropriately sexist at her.  
__It was nice for a change and Cuddy could catch up on a lot of things she had had to leave behind. Her first month with House had been quite hard because she had been busy soothing half the hospital staff, telling them that House was worth it, in the end not believing it anymore either.  
__Could she have been that wrong about him ?  
__The very moment that thought went through her mind, someone knocked on her door and she looked up.  
__She frowned when she recognized Stacy and nodded in her direction to invite her in._

"_Hi..." she greeted her,__ getting up from her chair, smiling at her openly. _

_She stretched out her hand and Stacy took it and shook it firmly. Cuddy couldn't manage to remember Stacy's last name, first of all because House had never mentioned it and second of all because she already had the feeling to have known her for years.  
__Stacy hesitated, surprised about the cordial welcome, given the circumstances. _

"_You obviously know me already", she uncomfortably greeted Cuddy back and Cuddy nodded. _

"_I've seen you with House. You picked him up here sometimes", she explained and sat down, nodding towards the chair in front of her desk. _

_They looked at each other for a moment and while Stacy had to admit that Cuddy was indeed pretty and definetely Greg's type, Cuddy remembered her intial thoughts when she had seen Stacy the first time: that House obviously had to be nicer than he seemed to be if he could manage to keep a woman like that for more than two years. She agreed with herself, that she still thought Stacy had to be a saint. While she herself couldn't even manage to work with him for a month this woman lived with him, loved him, and obviously even tried to correct the mistakes he made. _

"_So, what brought you in here ?" Cuddy finally started the conversation noticing Stacy's nervousness and Stacy thankfully jumped to the point._

"_He deserves a second chance", she shot at Cuddy and made her speechless for a moment._

"_Okay", she replied to win some time. _"_Why ? Did you succeed in talking the opposite side out of filing that lawsuit ?" _

_To her surprise Stacy nodded. _

"_They agreed on a settlement", she proudly announced and Cuddy's eyebrow twitched. _

_She leaned back in her chair and noticed a wide smile rising on her face. _

"_Wow", she finally replied. "That's incredible. What in the world did you tell them ?" _

"_Well...__I schmoozed them a little, told them that House had emotional problems and that he was going to seek professional help for that --", Stacy explained charmingly._

"_Wait", Cuddy suddenly interrupted. "You already told __**him**__ that ?" _

"_No", Stacy admitted. "But that's why I'm here. I need you for this. You need to bribe him into this by giving him his job back if he agrees to the settlement. He won't surrender to that family because he doesn't care. And he won't surrender to me just because he loves me. But he will surrender to you because he really wants this job back." _

_Cuddy snorted. "Does he ?" she asked sarcastically. _

"_As a matter of fact, he does, yah", Stacy softly replied. "He would never admit it though. But he liked it, the cases you assigned to him have kept his mind occupied, you should have seen him. Even at home he was always focussed on finding a solution for his cases. His life suddenly seemed to be filled with so much more meaning, he wasn't grumpy anymore, at least now only on the weekends. He had something that challenged him. And I was happier because he was happier." _

_Cuddy smiled. She knew what Stacy was talking about. He had __challenged her, too. _

"_You know Greg", Stacy softened her voice even more and Cuddy could now very well imagine how she had 'schmoozed' that family out of their rage. _

"_He is impossible to be with", Stacy continued, "Yet it's impossible to be without him because he is a wonderful guy. You forgive him all his flaws, h__is rudeness, his insensitivity. Because he is genuine. He knows the world sucks and he isn't trying to hide it like the rest of us are which makes him seem so miserable. But he isn't. And there are days when he surprises you with an awkwardly sweet gesture or when he makes you laugh so hard that you can't imagine ever to be without him again. He is never boring. But it sure wouldn't hurt if he were a little easier to deal with. And if there's anything that does that, then I'm willing to fight for it even if he isn't." _

_Cuddy's smile was gone. She actually felt a heavy lump in her throat now. Because she had understood every single word that had come out of Stacy's mouth. It had almost sounded as if she had listened to her own thoughts._

"_Give him that chan__ce. Don't tell him that it was me, he would never forgive me for doing this behind his back. Tell him that the opposite side would be willing to settle if he were ready to take ten sessions with a shrink", Stacy tried to convince Cuddy. _

"_There's no way he'll talk to that shrink", Cuddy retorted._

"_Who said he had to talk to one ? He just has to see one, ten times. That's it. Given the circumstances this couldn't be any easier", Stacy cunningly replied. _

_Cuddy shook her head and thought that it couldn't be any easier for Stacy, since she wasn't in her position and was at this very moment passing the uncomfortable part of this complot on her. _

"_I really don't like this", she refused. _

"_Please, I need you on this", Stacy started begging. "He won't listen to me, but he listens to you. He respects you." _

_Cuddy frowned. "He does ?" _

_Stacy nodded. "Yes, I can tell it by the way he talks about you." _

_Finally Cuddy sighed, letting her tongue glide along the smooth inner line of her lower teeth as she always did when she felt that she was doing something against her will. _

"_Fine", she gave in, not even being able to look Stacy in the eye. _"_He gets another three months of probatory employment and he has to pick three fellows by the end of the first month. If I want this department to run efficiently I will need a few doctors that are actually willing to see the patients." _

_A smile rose on Stacy's face and the two women looked at each other still not knowing whether to hate each other or to see an ally in the other one. _

"_So you're gonna call him?" Stacy__ finally asked and Cuddy nodded. _

"_Maybe we all need a second chance", she unwillingly admitted and Stacy smiled again._

"_Thank you –" she hesitated, not knowing how to call the person who had just sealed a deal to save her relationship and Cuddy stretched out her hand. _

" _- Lisa," Cuddy offered her her friendship. "We're in this together now, we might as well call each other by our first names", she said, feeling like a conspirer, shaking Stacy's hand goodbye. _

_But what exactly was she conspiring against ? The hospital ? Herself ?  
__She didn't know. But she felt relieved though she knew she had no reason for that. _


	14. Luke and Laura and Roy

Thank you so much for your reviews ! I finished writing the story yesterday and it all comes down to 19 chapters, so we're kinda heading towards the end of this...

* * *

"_The disco ball in the middle of my own club, reflecting light and all dreams. And Laura. Better than any choir of angels. Laura. Who makes it all worthwhile. Laura."  
__Luke __General Hospital _

Ten hours later on the same day in the present

She softly banged her head against the cold ceramics of her bathroom sink over and over again, with her eyes closed, cursing the heavens.  
Eventually she opened her eyes again and stared at the five pregnancy tests she had lined up on the toilet lid half an hour ago. She was still hoping for the results to change, but they were still stubbornly looking back at her, telling her unanimously that she was pregnant.

Was fate trying to tell her something ?

With an annoyed movement she tossed the pregnancy tests into the bin she had placed next to the toilet now.  
There was a chance that this was David's baby, and she would be perfectly fine with that now. Somehow this seemed to be a compromise she could deal with. She had at least been there before, this time she was prepared to go through a pregnancy all by herself, or to raise a child on her own. And this time at least she knew it wasn't a stranger's child anymore.  
But there was also a fair chance that this wasn't David's baby. She had only slept with him once after her last negative pregnancy test, so technically the chances that it was House's baby were three times higher.  
She pulled a face of disgust at the thought of House's genetic portion of what might be growing inside her.  
It had already been enough of a mess before those chromosomes had decided to join hers in a wild dance of recombination.  
Things had actually just settled down a bit and she had thought that they had once again managed to go on as if nothing had ever happened.  
But she had no idea how she was going to deal with this now.  
She had to tell him at least.  
Because she wanted to know who the father was and for that she would need his DNA.  
And because he would know about her pregnancy anyway.

She closed her eyes and rested her head against the sink again.  
She smiled at the irony of it all.  
Now it would actually have been easier to have a stranger's child.  
And that was somehow incredibly funny.

She got up and walked out of the bathroom, hoping the answer would come to her in her sleep.

But when she woke up the next morning, feeling dizzy and nauseous she knew it wouldn't be that simple.  
She had exactly five weeks until she could do the DNA test.  
Five weeks to ponder over this, to get used to it eventually.

However, the fact that House suddenly started following her around in the hospital didn't make it easier for her to take a break and think about this thoroughly.  
So she decided to keep this to herself for a while so that she could get used to her new fellow lodger.  
She needed time to process this on her own before she could take House into this almost impossible equation. Dealing with one problem at a time was the only way she could handle this. She knew it would be impossible to keep him out of it but maybe by leaving him in doubt over this she could at least handle _him_ for a while.

"I'm not pregnant" she therefore said when she came out of the ladies' room on the always deserted fifth floor of the hospital where she had been hiding for ten minutes.

It was the administrative floor and usually House avoided this place like the plague. But now he was standing in front of the restrooms, leaning against the wall, with an inquisitive look on his face, handing her a strip of chewing gum which she gratefully accepted since the taste of her stomach contents in the back of her throat was bitter and nauseating.

"Judging by the sounds you made in there you are!" he contradicted.

"Don't you have a med student and patients to take care of ?" she said, sounding shaky.

"Huey, Dewey and Louie are taking care of that", he replied and put a lollipop in his mouth.

"Well, that's great so you can come with me and do clinic duty. Place is packed with patients down there", she said victoriously and looked at the lollipop in his hand.

"You have another one of those ?" she asked while walking down the hallway and he shook his head.

"They rot your teeth, wouldn't want that to happen to those neatly lined pearls in your mouth", he replied and flinched when she snapped the lollipop out of his hand and plugged it into her mouth.

"Ew", he said. "Now you can have it. I'm not gonna get infected with that 'virus' of yours. Or is it a parasite after all ?"

"I'm not pregnant", she replied again, this time very sharply and he frowned, wondering why she kept lying to him.

"So your increase in bitchiness and your sudden craving for lollipops with my drool on it has nothing to do with me or with what's going on in your uterus ?" he said and she smiled.

"It does have something to do with you, but my uterus stays out of that", she replied.

"Ha !" he cried out and pointed his finger at her. "You do admit that you aren't being fair by sending those patients away to other doctors without consulting with me first. Because you know exactly that this is the only thing I am enjoying about this job and you are trying to annoy me by taking away my toys, so that I have no excuse to stay away from the clinic, which is making my job boring and unbearable", he asked and she shook her head.

"No. I'm just finally regaining the ability to make you do your job properly, which is making _my _job a little less unbearable", she countered and looked at him seriously.

There was some kind of glow in her gaze though that made him skeptical again.

"You _are_ pregnant", he said again and she smiled, shaking her head and turned away from him, vanishing through the door to the stairway.

House smiled. If she wanted this to be a duel, then she had just succeeded in challenging him.

"Cup of coffee?" he therefore offered her, carrying two cups on a paper tray when he arrived at the clinic exactly ten minutes later. "Added an extra shot of espresso since you seem so tired lately", he said with a fake caring tone in his voice and looked at her like an innocent smurf.

"Subtle", she replied coolly and turned away, leaving the coffee on the nurses' desk and House followed her curiously eyeing her from head to toe.

"There's a patient in exam room one, feel free to see her", she shot at him bossily and added: "You'll like her. She's pretty."

House obeyed her to sneak a quick peek at the patient, but found her to be too blonde so that he left the exam room a minute later, peering at the door to Cuddy's office, that seemed deserted. He looked around and went inside, hastily searching her stuff for proof.  
But apparently she had covered her tracks pretty well. Her coat pockets were empty, so was her trash, her desk was neatly organized and perfectly clean, her drawer was locked and her screensaver was now password protected. She really _had_ turned this into a game !  
The only two things that gave away some kind of information were her calendar on her desk and her phone. There were two blank spots in her otherwise pretty busy agenda, where he saw a pencil written phone number. He copied that and then pushed a button on her phone looking up at the door to check if she was anywhere near the office and quickly scribbled down all the recently dialled numbers, three of them being outside phone calls, one of them matching the number on her agenda.  
Before she could even sense that he had again sneaked into her office he was already outside again, waiting for her to return, innocently leaning on the nurses' desk as she left Exam Room 3 and gave him a startled look, instantly knowing that he was up to something but not being able to nail him down to anything.

A week later

House was sitting on his chair, feeling extremely edgy, making an annoying sound with his cane by letting it bounce onto the floor over and over again.

"Do you have to keep doing this ?" Cameron finally snapped at him and he widened his eyes.

"No", he snapped back cockily, "but it's fun to see you getting so annoyed."

"We need more symptoms if we wanna know what this is", she finally stated and he nodded.

"Totally agree. How do we create more symptoms ?" he asked and looked at them.

The medical student stared at him anxiously and when he stared back and glared at her she started rummaging around in her lab coat pockets nervously as if she had left her brain in one of them.

Chase shrugged his shoulders. "We could expose her to allergenic substances and see if she reacts to any of that."

House looked at the other three people in the room.

"What ? We've already done every other possible test", Cameron defended her and the other's silence.

"Uh, I think you're lying. But it's okay, I can deal with that. So, go and make her wheeze and sneeze", he commanded them and turned away, obviously distracted.

"Are you alright?" Cameron asked when the others had already left the office.

House seemed unusually scatterbrained as if something else was constantly occupying his mind.  
He looked at her.

"Uhuh", he simply replied and she peered at him.

"No you're not", she finally stated and he rolled his eyes.

"So what ? You're gonna buy me a puppy now ?"

"Forget it," she gave in, annoyedly. "I don't even wanna know it anymore."

He nodded. "You're right. I wouldn't wanna know it either."

She gave him a dark stare that could have taken it on with Cuddy's stares and turned away.

When she had left he rested his forehead against the handle of his cane and closed his eyes.  
She was constantly lingering around on his mind, which was probably what she had intended by not telling him the truth. Now he had to find out himself, or he would have to wait a few months, bringing a measuring tape to work every morning to see if the size of her waist was increasing.  
That was evil and very childish of her since she knew this was going to bug him, he was obsessed with riddles and this was one she was really trying to make unsolvable to him.  
This way he had to think about it over and over again and thereby he was forced to confront the actual thought of her being pregnant with his child.  
It worked though, he was already getting used to that thought, whether he liked it or not.  
It was all this hiding and seeking that annoyed him so much, because it made him feel insecure.  
Above all, it made him feel something and he had tried to avoid that all the time.

He nervously checked his watch.

It was lunchtime.

All the numbers he had found in her office had been dead ends, he had called her hair stylist, her sister-in-law and the Chief of Endocrinology at Mount Sinai in Manhattan. But one of the two blank spaces on her agenda had finally helped him, because she had used one of these two breaks so sneak out to the OB/Gyn floor, right where he had taken her when she had had her miscarriage. Despite that experience, or maybe because of it, she seemed to trust the doctors on that floor and had obviously asked them to take care of her throughout her pregnancy. And he couldn't blame her. They were the best doctors around and it was convenient for her. And they all knew him so that he wouldn't be able to sneak in.  
But things like that were challenges rather than obstacles, so after a week of observation he had finally figured out people's food patterns and knew exactly when he had a chance to get a hold onto her file.

And this time was now.

So he left his office, looked around to check if he was being observed when he entered the elevator and airily pushed the button to the OB/Gyn floor.

Fifteen minutes later he reappeared with a satisfied smile on his face, not really getting that he actually had no reason to be satisfied.

"Want you to meet little Greg. Or Greggina", he said to Wilson after he had burst into his office, now holding up a sonogram printout, waving it around in front of Wilson's nose.

"What is this ?" Wilson replied trying to take a look at the picture, finally ripping it out of House's hands. "This is Cuddy's", he stated finally and very slowly. "She's pregnant ?" he added surprisedly and frowned.

"Yup", House answered, turning around, limping towards the door to the balcony.

"Aaaaand...you are coming here because you...", Wilson was trying to comprehend what was going on and suppressed the horrifying thought that House might have something to do with this.

His eyes widened though when suddenly all his observations over the past four weeks seemed to make sense.

"Wait. Did you – is this – yours ?" he stammered and House stared out of the window.

"Uhuh", was all he managed to reply, trying to sound as indifferent as one could sound facing these news. "Why else would I call it Greg or Greggina ?" he snapped at him annoyedly.

"You slept with Cuddy ?" Wilson almost yelled now, not being able to remain seated anymore, tossing the ultrasound picture away as if it had been involved in the actual production process of what it was displaying.

"Yeah, like fifteen years ago. And then again a couple of times four weeks ago", House admitted and looked down at his feet.  
"It's funny. The woman has had at least ten times more sex with that lawyer and didn't get pregnant and then all of a sudden I get to do the touchdown _and_ the field goal."

"What makes you so sure that you're the father then ?" Wilson asked him and House gave him a startled look.

He hesitated and shrugged his shoulders before he went on, suddenly sounding a little distracted and insecure.

"He's a lawyer ! Sex with him is way too boring to get her off", he stated as if that explained everything and Wilson gave him an incomprehensive look, telling him, that he didn't really get what he was alluding to.

House rolled his eyes. "We all know that the chances to get pregnant increase with the fun the girl has because it's the orgasmic uterus contractions that move the sperm –"

Wilson pulled a disgusted face and waived his hands in the air in defense.

"Please, can we not focus on details? We're still talking about Cuddy, here", he interrupted House and House looked down.

"There's no way his sperm is better than mine", he mumbled uncomfortably.

He had never actually considered it to be a real option that this wasn't his child, though it kept crossing his mind because it would explain why she was keeping him out of this like that. However, for some reason this didn't comfort him.  
Maybe it was only his male pride that he actually considered this a fertility race between him and that lawyer.  
But maybe it was something else because if he was the father then this meant that it wasn't over.  
He had liked their one night stands because they had made him feel comfortable and relaxed. And calm. He wouldn't have ended it, but she had.  
Facing this pregnancy now, though, she was forced to deal with him again for a little while. Admittedly, life was exaggerating a bit forcing her do to that by making her pregnant, but a pregnancy was the trickiest way to manipulate a woman's feelings.  
Which was another reason why this child had to be his. Because it was an evil twist of fate.

"Well, but didn't you – I mean, you knew she was trying to get pregnant", Wilson started again but realized that it didn't make any sense to lecture him now that it was already too late.

Which was exactly what House thought, too.

"Yah, I get it. You should have filled me in on the principles of safe sex before this but you can save that breath now !" he therefore barked at him and Wilson shrugged his shoulders.

"Well maybe if you had told me, your only friend, that you were sleeping with our boss I might even have given you this kind of advice. Actually I would have talked you out of it, I hope", he said and realized that that was probably exactly the reason why House had kept him out of this."Wait", he hesitated, "is this actually something serious between the two of you ?" he asked and eyed House.

When he didn't respond he furrowed his brow in surprise.

"Wow", he said. "This _is_ serious, isn't it ?" he finally assessed and House turned around and looked at him.

His eyes looked tired and he seemed completely off-guard, there was no sign of sneer or sarcasm on his face.

"Of course this is serious, she's pregnant", he said and looked away again.

Wilson took a deep breath.

"Looks like you really got yourself into trouble this time", he said not being very helpful and put his hands on his hips.

"Yeah", House mumbled,"that's exactly why I came here. For your reassurance that this sucks. Hope you're better in telling people that they are dying than you are with this", he growled at him and limped towards his door.

"I'm the wrong person to talk to about this anyway", Wilson tried to figure out how to help his friend, still feeling floored, just as if it were his baby that was now growing inside Cuddy. "You should go see her. And don't be an ass. It's probably already hard enough for her to be pregnant with a child with your misery genes."

House lowered his gaze and nodded, slinking off with his tail between his legs.

Instead of directly proceeding to her office he decided to clear his head over some lime jello and a General Hospital episode. His life had already turned into the mediocre script for a cheesy soap opera, so maybe he would find the answers to his problems in the latest episode.  
He stole the jello from a patient's tray on the ICU and sneaked into a deserted on-call room.

Wilson was still digesting his encounter with House and involuntarily had to smile. The thought of him and Cuddy parenting a child was absurd. He picked up the sonogram picture and looked at it, ignoring the fact that it was his boss' uterus he was staring at. When someone knocked at his door, he quickly shoved the picture under a pile of patient files and wished for the ground to open and swallow him when he saw Cuddy's face peering at him from the door.

"You have a minute ?" she asked and Wilson wished he could have said 'No'.

But knowing about her secret already morally forced him to lend her his ear so he smiled at her bravely and nodded.  
She quickly rushed in and closed the door behind her, nervously wiping her hands on her skirt, uncomfortably looking down at him.

"You wanna sit down ?" he said and she sat down.

But got up again after a second, walking over to the balcony door where House had stood only five minutes ago.  
She was trying to find the right words though there wasn't really such a numerous choice of words since the facts were pretty simple. So she finally turned around at him and spat it out.

"I'm pregnant", she said and Wilson tried to look as surprised as he could.

"You don't seem to be too happy about it", he therefore said innocently trying to make her come to the next point.

But instead she turned away from him again and nervously picking at her cuticles looking at the sky outside where heavy dark clouds were being blown away by an upcoming storm. Her lips parted as if she had found the right words and then she closed them again, so Wilson decided to make it easier for her.

"Do you know who the father is ? I mean, is it David ? Or did you try another IVF ?" he pushed her, hoping not to be too obvious.

But she was way too nervous to be sensitive about things like that at the moment.

"No, it's not David", she said and closed her eyes, bumping her head against the cold glass of the window. "At least I'm almost sure about that", she added actually not being sure at all.

It was just a hunch because she knew fate wouldn't treat her that nicely.

"It's House", she managed to say at last, her throat getting dry and her voice almost fading halfway through his name.

"Our House ?" Wilson acted surprisedly and found he was doing a pretty good job. "Are you really sure ?"

She nodded and suddenly felt how soothing it was to share the news. She eventually even managed to settle down and take a seat.

"I can't do this", she said after another long pause that had given Wilson the chance to adjust to the situation, having the same conversation for the second time now, but with a grown-up for a change.

"Well, if there's anyone in the world who could possibly ever deal with him, it's you", he replied.

"And you", she shot back and looked at him.

"Yes", he agreed. "But he's not Jewish, there's no way my parents would accept him", he joked and she laughed, relieved and comforted.

"Yah, my parents wouldn't be very fond of him either," she smiled and looked down.

"So have you told him ?" he asked and she shook her head.

"No, but he wouldn't be the best diagnostician if he hadn't already noticed it. Actually he noticed it before I did."

"You still should tell him", he advised her.

"I know", she added, "but what difference would it make? He'd still be House."

"It would tell him that you're not shutting him out of this", he said and she frowned.

"But maybe I want to shut him out of it", she retorted.

"No, you don't, unless you still have doubts whether he is the father or not", he contradicted, because he knew her and he knew that this had not just been a one-night-stand. At least not if House had told him the truth.  
"How long has this been going on between you and House", he therefore asked and seemed to have hit a nerve with that.

"Why ?" she asked.

"Because you don't have unprotected sex with someone you wouldn't want to get pregnant from", he explained and she averted her gaze, feeling caught.

She nodded. He was right in a way.

"I didn't believe in it anymore. I had given up. That's why I thought we were safe", she defended herself.

"So ?" Wilson still waited for his intial answer.

"You know we've known each other for a long time. We do have a past. But I'm not Stacy", she explained.

"That doesn't mean that you can't have any feelings for him. Or that he doesn't have any feelings for you."

Cuddy looked up at him in surprise. "Did he say anything like that to you ? That he had feelings for me?" she asked weakly though she knew House better.

"Are you kidding me ? He does care about you, though. You need to give him a chance, even if you don't want to. But he deserves it. And maybe he's even up for a surprise", he tried to cheer her up, not even being able to convince himself.

"Sure", she said dryly. "I can imagine him really well getting up in the middle of the night to feed a baby. He'd probably end up dosing it with Vicodin to sleep through the nights", she joked bitterly and Wilson smiled faintly.

They looked at each other in silence and Wilson noticed that she was a lot calmer now.

"If you need anything", he was trying to end the conversation, "You know where to find me. Anytime", he said and looked at her reassuringly.

"I know", she gratefully replied. "Thanks."

_Three years after Cuddy hired House_

_Wilson's office door flung open with such pizazz that he flinched in surprise that it wasn't House but Cuddy who stood in front of him, furiosly staring at him._

"_Eh...", he started, trying to remember what he might have done to upset his boss like that but he couldn't think of anything. So he sighed. "House ?" he asked her and she nodded._

"_You are his only friend in here ! You should have kept him from doing that !" she yelled at him and he raised his arms in defense now remembering what might be the reason for her rage. _

"_Woh-woh-woh, __**you **__are his boss,__** you**__ should have stopped him if you were so convinced he was making a mistake, which he wasn't if you ask me", he defended himself and watched her coming closer._

"_Yah, I kinda figured that", she countered. "And I __**tried**__ to stop him, but thanks to you he got a hold of the virus before the news that he was going for this incredibly insane approach could even reach me. You should have come to me first instead of helping him committing a crime", she now yelled at him. "I should actually fire both of you !"_

"_We helped our patient!" Wilson replied and Cuddy stared at him wildly._

"_You infected him with HIV !" she snarled back. _

"_With an attenuated virus ! We cured his cancer !" Wilson stated, his voice also getting louder and louder now, because he didn't even understand why she was yelling at him. _

"_Yes, but the little hitch being that the virus wasn't attenuated. And while the patient is now not dying of cancer anymore he's dying of HIV. Congratulations !" _

"_This is an experimental approach and it worked. HIV is manageable at an early stage and we are managing it. He gained years !" _

_Cuddy raised her hands. "This is exactly the problem. It's experimental. There have only been few case studies and none of them were successful. This is neither FDA approved nor legal. No insurance is going to cover the costs of the disease course the patient now has to deal with. You ever thought of that when you and House decided to play God?" _

"_Have you already spanked him for that, or am I going to have the full pleasure of your undivided rage ?" Wilson coolly responded after her rant was over. _

"_I am going to spank him now!" she said and slammed the door behind her. _

_She had yelled at Wilson first on purpose because she had needed to cool down a bit before she'd go to House. Dealing with House needed a lot more willpower and self-control.  
__But h__er self-control wasn't able to keep her from barging into his office the way she had entered Wilson's office. _

"_You are fired", she shouted at him and he and his three fellows looked up at her. _

_Apart from him everybody thought she was addressing them. __She gave them an acid look. _

"_Can you leave us alone for a minute ?" she hissed through her teeth and they got up immediately, leaving the room as quickly as possible. _

"_This is going to be the fifth lawsuit this year", she calmly started, sitting down on his table, right next to him. _

_  
Her eyes instantly caught sight of numerous heavy objects she would have loved to smash his head with that moment. So she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them again she looked at him, strictly and fiercely. _

"_You aren't even trying to defend yourself", she stated. "Does that mean you admit that you were wrong ?" _

"_I wasn't. Patient is alive, isn't he ?" _

"_I am not questioning your motives, I am questioning your methods. Always have, always will. You know that and still you keep disprespecting that as if you were taking some kind of perverse pleasure out of annoying me. I've been more than willing to take this for over three years now given the fact that you really are a good doctor. But I am tired of it now. You are fired. And I really mean it this time." _

"_Okay", he said and looked down. _

"_That's it ?" she asked and he looked at her again._

"_Well, I get it. You have to fire me. These are the rules and there are a lot of angry fat men in suits sitting in their expensive offices who expect you to do this. Though that doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions anymore. Or does it? I don't know how much of your backbone you actually lost on your way to the top", he replied. _

"_House", she started, ignoring his words completely. "Why didn't you ask me before you did this ?" _

"_Because I knew you would have to say no. You aren't a doctor, you are a politician. You aren't free, you need to account for all your deeds and decisions. There is no way you'd have allowed me this procedure." _

"_Do you really think I'm that stupid ? __I trust you, House. I highly respect you for your skills and I've always supported you, always kept the backdoor open for you. You don't do anything unless you're sure that this is the only and the best option left. I know that. And you know that I know that and that I always give you credit for that. I am on your side. Still you keep undercutting the rules of this game which always makes things worse than if you let me undercut the rules for you. Why are you doing this ? To show me you don't need me as your boss ? To humiliate me by proving them over and over again that I can't control you ? Do you hate me that much ?" _

"_Now don't be pathetic. I don't hate you", House replied. "You are fine the way you are, it's a tough position and you're handling it okay. I just don't like playing by the rules", he explained._

"_I know that. Which is exactly why I've kept trying to cover your ass. But I need you to trust me, too, to do this", she almost begged him and they looked at each other for a moment. _

_A moment that carried millions of unspoken words and untold truths about them. _

"_You know that I have to fire you to save my own ass", she said__ a lot calmer now. "And I'd rather save __**your**__ ass, but even if I resign now you'd have to go anyway." _

_She got up and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. _

"_I don't want to do this", she said, realizing that this might actually be the end of their journey together. _

"_Then don't do it", he said and she shook her head, feeling tears emerging in her eyes and averted her gaze. _

"_You have two weeks", she said and left his office, not looking back, trying to hide the tear that had started running down her face. _

_House closed his eyes when the glass door had closed behind her. He had seen her wiping that tear from her cheek.  
At times like these he wished he could cry. It seemed so much easier __that way.  
He seemed to have some kind of emotional atresia, with feelings getting stuck inside of him until they turned into some kind of soul waste, poisoning his mind.  
__She had to fire him that was true and she wouldn't be herself if she didn't. She had to stand up to this and he had asked himself many times before when this day would come.  
__Her patience was surprising but it had its limits, too.  
And that was good.  
It prove that she was human, it prove that her loyalty towards him wasn't unconditional, which was the only thing that distinguished this from love.  
__He didn't seem to have any limits. What was he then ? _

_He had saved this patient's life and got punished for it now. But he wasn't mad. Because he was right.  
And he wasn't happy either. Because he wasn't even sure if it was worth fighting for a life without meaning. _

_He lifted a heavy antique – anatomically incorrect - model of a human heart that was standing on his desk and clutched his fingers to it. Its metallic surface was cold and hard and soothing. He pressed it against his head and bend forward until his elbow touched the desk. _

_He didn't want this to be over because he had got used to it.  
__Because he had liked it.  
__Had even liked her. _

_But it __**was **__over. _


	15. Obsessive Minds

Hey guys, I know I'm fast, I hope I'm not too fast for you to catch up. :0)

* * *

Same evening in front of Cuddy's door

House was sitting on her doorstep, it had started raining a while ago but he didn't care. He knew she was at home, but for some reason he didn't remember why he had come here.  
Was it only because he wanted to hear it from her personally ?  
Or did he want to rub his frustration into her face, to make her feel as bad as he felt ?  
She probably already felt a lot worse than he did, so that wouldn't make any sense at all.

He stared at the sonogram printout he had taken out of Wilson's office again. It was curling up from the humidity in the air.

It didn't really show much, actually it looked like a snow flurry at night. But he could make out a darker circle in the middle of the snow flurry, containing a tiny white spot, the yolk sac.  
That was at this point the only sign of the pregnancy that could be made visible by ultrasound. But he knew that there was a little creature developing in that yolk sac, looking like a maggot now, but eventually turning into a blue eyed baby that would finally make Cuddy the happy mother she wanted to be. It was a long way to go from here to there, for all of them.  
That maggot, Cuddy and the father, whoever that was.

He wiped the rain out of his face and ran his hand through his hair. Coming here hadn't made any sense. He had no business being here.  
This was her life and she had made it quite clear that she didn't want him to be a part of it, no matter whether parts of _him_ were already alive inside _her_ or not.

Cuddy had fallen asleep on the couch again. This was turning into an annoying habit because she always found herself waking up at the most unsual times of the day cramped up in awkward positions resulting in an achy back, feeling disoriented and groggy. But she knew this would go away eventually, her body was only adjusting. It was actually nice to feel that there was something going on inside her, it made it all seem more real even though it also made it harder to forget about it.

She got up and stretched her back. A glance at the clock told her it was time to go to bed anyway, so she grabbed a book from the shelf and switched off the lights in the living room, proceeding towards her bedroom.  
As always she peered at the door to check whether she had locked it when she suddenly heard a clicking sound outside, slowly fading but still audible.  
She approached her door and pricked her ears.  
It was raining, but the clicking was coming from something else, something that sounded familiar somehow.  
She frowned and got on her tiptoes to peek through the door viewer.  
The clicking noise was House's cane. He was still using the cane with the winter spikes.  
She could see him walking away from her door, towards his car and pulled back quickly as if he could see her spying through the viewer.

She closed her eyes tiredly and opened her door with a sigh. Running away from this wouldn't make it any easier. And she never ran away from anything. Unlike he obviously did.  
But at least he had come here and he deserved a chance.

"House ?" she shouted after him and he turned around instantly.

He was soaked to the skin and looked horrible. She felt how her tightness softened at this sight and hoped that this wasn't already motherly feelings warming up inside her heart.  
But he didn't move. He only looked at her waiting for her to say something and she didn't know what to say. She didn't want to let him in and she didn't want him to go.

With her right hand she reached out for the red umbrella leaning against the wall next to her door and opened it to walk outside, slipping into a pair of ballerinas she usually only wore to take the garbage out. When she stepped outside he quickly regretted that she hadn't taken the time to put on her coat, too, since it was only February and the snow had started turning into rain just two days ago.  
Shivering from the cold and with her hair curling up in the rain she came to a halt in front of him and held the umbrella above their heads, shading their faces in a warm red light.

They looked at each other.

"House, I am freezing to death here", she reminded him impatiently nodding towards her bare feet in the ballerinas but he didn't care.

He was freezing, too, but he didn't feel it. He only felt the mind-numbing inability to put his feelings into words. And it didn't matter anyway. Which was why he had left.

"Then go back inside", he answered indifferently and turned away from her.

"**You** came here, now don't run away", she walked after him and reached for his arm to make him stop.

"As you might have noticed I'm not running anywhere ever. Might have something to do with the fact that I can't run", he barked at her and looked down at her, who seemed so small standing so close to him, not wearing a pair of her expensive high-heels.

"You took that test ?" he asked almost belligerently.

"Yes."

"So ? You're still not pregnant ?"

His eyes pierced her willing to read the truth in hers if she was going to lie to him again. She returned his look without any intention to lie.

"I am", she finally admitted determinately and saw a strange glint in his eyes. His pupils dilated.

"Well, then I guess it's time to say Mazeltov", he snarkily cheered and wanted to turn away again but she didn't let him, her hand was still holding onto his arm and she tightened her grip.

"Even you have to have feelings about this", she prompted him and he somberly looked down at her hand and from there up into her eyes.  
"At least hat's what made you come here, I guess", she tried to figure him out annoyedly since she wouldn't need to do that if he actually told her his feelings.

He didn't say anything. Not even anything insensitive or rude. Nothing. He only stared at her. He was helpless and that made him look so much smaller than he actually was.

"Feel free to share them", she smiled at him provocatively and finally let go of his arm.

"I was already sharing them with you using this little metaphor: Me. Going.Away. Now it's up to you to figure out what the cane and the crippled leg stand for."

She nodded wisely.

"Five weeks", she said. "In five weeks the DNA test will either set you free for good or we'll have to figure out how this is supposed to work."

"You're seriously planning on running a paternity test ?" he asked, amused. "Didn't know you were so romantic", he mocked her.

"Well, you don't have to do this if you don't care", she indifferently replied, not at all feeling as indifferent about it as she tried to make it sound.

"Of course I care", he snarled back faster than she would have expected and approached her until he stood under her umbrella with her again.

When he felt the warmth of her body and saw her delicate fingers wrapped around the handle of the umbrella, holding it tight above their heads shivering, he started shivering, too.

"But you are the one who initially tried to keep me out of this. And you might not wanna hear this", he said, "but once your ass is twice the size you'll run out of arguments to talk me into this, so you better make up your mind now."

She laughed hoarsely.

"See ? That is exactly it!" she replied, finding it hard to fight with him when he was standing so close, when it was so hard to resist her own attraction to him. "I don't want to talk you into this. I want you to be in this only if that is what you want. But I don't think you know what you want. And I can't even blame you."

House frowned. "So you want me in this ?"

"I don't know", she said, almost sounding desperate, and added: "It's admittedly a ridiculous situation and if I didn't know it better I'd say I were the main character in a cheesy chick flick. But before I can't eliminate one of the variables I also can't make up my mind."

"You think it'll be easier after these five weeks ? Your feelings for me won't change only because you find out that I didn't put that bun in your oven."

"You don't know that", she retorted. "Besides I don't even know if I have feelings for you."

She looked up at him victoriously and he didn't buy a single word.

"You are a liar."

"So are you", she shot back and continued in a much softer voice: "If this were only about the two of us it'd be fine. But it's not. It's about this child's life. I want this to be right."

"What if this lawyer is the father ? You're gonna marry him then ?" he teased her sarcastically and she shrugged her shoulders.

"I'll decide when I know that."

He narrowed his eyes.

"You're a coward", he stated. "You are shifting this decision on this poor innocent bunch of cells. Why don't you go ahead and wait until he pops out and we'll take a poll ? This is after all a democracy. Never too early to teach your child to take responsibility", he mocked her and she lifted her eyebrow in surprise.

"Why do you think it'll be a boy ?", she deflected surprisedly.

He remained silent and she frowned.

"Do you want it to be a boy ?" she asked puzzled that this really didn't leave him cold at all.

The pause following this question was just a split second too long, enough for her to understand why.

"Boy will be way less annoying than a younger version of you", he tergiversated.

She smiled knowingly and shook her head.

"Five weeks", she concluded. "Let's at least try to handle this like grown-ups", she pleaded him and slowly turned away, hardly feeling the soles of her feet anymore.

"And don't tell **me** that I am pushing you out of this, ever again. I'm not the alexithymic of the two of us", she mumbled at him from under her umbrella, hardly audible and not bothering to turn around at him.

His eyes followed her as she waded away from him, her feet making silent splashing sounds on the wet sludgy ground.

When the door had closed behind her he turned around, rumpling the sonogram in his pocket until he tossed it into a puddle and got into his car.

The next morning

She carefully avoided to touch the porcelain of the toilet she was now hanging over leaving her breakfast behind as every morning.  
She wondered why she didn't learn from it and simply stopped having breakfast.  
This was still the cleanest and always deserted restroom in the hospital though, which was why she always tried to suppress her gag reflex until she had reached this floor.  
It was a race against her own body, running up the ten stairs to the fifth floor but the smell of the other toilets had managed to make her even sicker during her last pregnancy causing her to vomit a lot more than she did now and she had learned that lesson at least.

Her hand was shakily pressing against the cold wall that was giving her halt when she straightened up and realized that it seemed to be over again. At least for today.

She opened the door and walked over to the sink to wash her hands and reached out for the tiny bottle of mouthwash she brought with her every morning now.  
Another lesson she had learned from the last pregnancy. She smiled and thanked that baby that hadn't been meant to be for this experience.  
This way even that wasted seed of life seemed to make sense now.

She tossed the paper towel into the bin and opened the door, almost fainting when she saw House standing in front of her.

"God!" she breathlessly cried out. "Are you gonna follow me to the bathroom every morning now ?"

"Yup", he said and offered her a strip of chewing gum again. "At least as long as I still have enough gum. Here. Icebreakers", he said and she took the chewing gum from him unwillingly but gratefully at the same time.

"Do you want me to reserve a seat for you in there so you can watch it from the first row next time ?" she sarcastically asked him.

"Oh, no. I'm fine. Installed my camera in there a while ago. But thanks for the generous offer", he replied with wide eyes and she closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Why are you doing this ? It's weird", she asked him with a puzzled look on her face and pushed the button for the elevator.

He watched her fingers reaching out for the button, pressing it gently, realizing that he found even the most trivial things about her sexy.  
And she always took the stairs in the mornings because the elevators were way too busy. Unless when he was around, then she suddenly always had the time to patiently wait for the elevators with him. This was more than just an act of politeness, he knew her well enough to know that.

"It's different this time", he said in reply to her question and she looked at him, frowning.

"Why, because it doesn't meet your high expectations in the art of throwing up?" she snorted.

„You're tired. And you have cravings already now", he explained and when she gave him a clueless look he added: "Lollipops in the clinic are all gone."

"Okay", she slowly said as if she were talking to a three – year - old. "But that's normal. I'm pregnant. Anything wrong with your short term memory ?" she replied, not having the slightest clue what was going on in his mind.

"Yes, but it's different. Last time you were glowing. Your hair was shiny, your skin looked like ripe peaches. Same with the boobs. And you drank tea ! This time your skin is dry, you drink decaf latte with very unbecoming loads of sugar in it, you are dizzy, holding on to handrails, desks and walls wherever you can and you're tired. Now the only thing that's still a mystery to me is whether the moodswings are a symptom…"

She flinched, taking her hand off the elevator button she had indeed been resting against for some footing and folded her arms in front of her breasts.

"I don't have moodswings, I just have you following me around everywhere I go lately. And my skin is dry because _someone_ spilled half of the lotion I store on my bathroom shelf a month ago and I haven't had the time to buy a new one yet. And I already hated the tea last time", she replied and entered the elevator.

For the time of the ride down they remained silent, trying not to look suspicious to the other three doctors and nurses in the elevator. Which actually _did_ make them look suspicious.  
But as soon as they left the elevator on the ground floor and walked through the entrance hall towards her office she broke the silence again.

"I have no idea what this is about but it's not helping this."

"Not helping what ?" he played possum and looked at her dumbly.

"_This_", she hissed and looked at him secretively, poking his chest with her finger.

"You want me to leave you alone ?" he said in a very annoying tone and she opened her mouth to retort something when she suddenly smiled.

"No. You're actually fine where you are", she said and nodded towards the nurse's station when she raised her voice again. "So you can take care of the twenty patients in the waiting area", she continued loud enough for the nurses to hear her and sweetly smiled at him when he realized _she_ had tricked _him_ this time.

She vanished in her office, slamming the door in his face and he turned around in defeat, facing the nurse who had sneaked up to him from behind in the meantime and was already holding the first patient's file in her hands. He rolled his eyes and snatched the file from her, limping towards the exam room.

During the next hour he saw ten patients but not a single one of them came with symptoms interesting enough to distract him from what was really going on in his mind: That he was looking for the slightest signs telling him that this pregnancy was following a different course than the other one. But why ? Because he didn't want this to end in a miscarriage again ? Or because he was looking for a sign that this pregnancy was different because the father was a different one than last time ? Both of his motives disturbed him and managed to add an extra twinge to the pain in his thigh.

He left the last patient in the middle of her sentence and took the elevator to the rooftop where he threw in two Vicodins and sat down on the cold ground, closing his eyes, waiting for the Hydrocodone to wipe out this obsession for a while.

Cuddy sat in her office at the same time and scrolled down the homepage of the Mayo clinic where she would send the samples for the DNA testing to. They performed the earliest paternity tests available and she had only needed to make one phone call to make sure her samples would be processed faster than usual samples.

At times like these she loved her job even more and smiled, leaning back in her chair, placing a hand on her stomach. It was flat and innocently calm.  
How could something that small cause such big trouble, she asked herself and noticed that House had stolen her trash again.  
She shook her head. He was obsessed with this.  
Obsession and repulse were almost always the strongest indicators that he deeply cared about something.

With that thought on her mind she sighed and opened the first one of twenty applications for endocrinological fellowships on her desk.

_

* * *

_

_15 years ago during her internship_

_Thin angry lines on her forehead told everyone that this wasn't the right day to screw with her as she walked through the hall towards the cafeteria. She had spent the whole morning with her ear attached to at least one phone receiver, if not with a second one pressed against her other ear simultaneously. Apparently there had been a mix up with the names of her and somebody else's patient so that someone had ordered tests and treatments for one of her patients that would not only have been wrong but also highly dangerous for that patient and extremely expensive. She could have got fired for that but she had managed to convince her attending that it hadn't been her who had ordered all these tests but someone else who must have mixed up the names somehow. She hadn't even had the time to really worry about whose patient might now not get exactly these tests since she had had to cover her own ass the whole morning.  
After a night – on – call this was the last thing she had needed. _

_She poured black bitter hospital coffee into a paper mug and let herself fall onto a cha__ir across the table from where she had spotted House taking his lunch break. _

"_You're not eating anything ?" he said nodding towards her coffee. "That's gonna give your cute little stomach an ugly evil ulcer", he lectured her and she threw the darkest of her stares at him and the plate in front of him. _

"_Someone obviously took the last mashed potatoes. Someone who actually knew that I'd be on call and that I always feel nauseous after these nights and that mashed potatoes are the only food that doesn't make me throw up when I'm nauseous." _

"_Well that someone certainly has one kinky obsession with you having such intimate and delicate knowledge about your person. You sure you wanted to share that with me after only one night ?" he said and stuffed a spoonful of mashed potatoes in his mouth. _

"_You gonna share __**that **__with me, or what ?" she wearily answered and he covered his plate with his hands in defense._

"_Again: After only one night ?" he replied and pulled a face. "This is the only food they serve here that tastes like mashed potatoes and actually is mashed potatoes. __It's therefore the only dish that doesn't lie. __I hate it when food pretends to be what it's not. So you're not getting any." _

"_House, you really don't wanna upset me, believe me", she warned him. _

"_You do look a little cranky", he admitted innocently and continued stuffing the mush into his mouth. _

_She looked at him and watched him eating when she suddenly had the hunch that the patient mix-up that had kept her busy for the last five hours had not been a pure coincidence or mistake but an evil plan made by someone very insane sitting very close to her.  
__She took __out a piece of paper and a pen and shoved it to him over the table. _

"_Can you write the words 'liver biopsy' on this note?", she asked him as innocently as possible and he looked up. _

"_No. Can't write." _

_He quickly lowered his gaze again when he saw the suspicion in her eyes that were dangerously watching him now. She lifted her paper mug and downed her coffee, ignoring its heat and its bitterness, indulging in the painful nausea it caused. _

"_It was you, wasn't it ?" she finally said, gasping and feeling the heat rushing to her head. _

"_H__ave no idea what you're talking about", he mumbled and reached out for his coke._

_Her eyes were glowing in fury when she started spitting out the words. _

"_You are the reason why I spent my whole morning talking to angry and confused nurses, calling the Radiology department to cancel procedures someone had wrongly scheduled for my patient. You are the reason why my attending got incredibly mad at me and won't talk to me for the next three__ days. This is all your fault !" _

_She hesitated and looked at him again for a moment until she leaned back on her chair. _

"_I should have thought of this earlier, this is exactly your style", she shook her head in disbelief.  
_"_God, I really hate myself for having slept with you", she added and buried her face in her hands. _

"_Well, this is only fair. For the last couple of days you always took the la__st mashed potatoes, it was my turn." _

_She lifted her head again and stared at him madly. _

"_It was not your turn ! Because you didn't just spend your last three nights on call in a row, but I did !" she yelled at him and rumpled the empty coffee cup in her hands to angrily threw it onto the table. _

_He looked at her in amusement but managed not to smile. _

"_Okay", he finally said casually. "Didn't know you had such a thing for mashed potatoes. Sorry." _

_She snorted and folded her arms in front of her chest, trying to calm down, imagining running him over on a giant steamroller. _

"_Okay", she agreed and nodded__, dangerously relaxed. "Well you know it now !" _

_He took another sip of his coke and looked at her obviously enjoying her rage. She had no idea how much this was turning him on which was why she wasn't trying to hide it.  
She knit her brows ignoring the fact that she would one day get ugly wrinkles from that and her eyes seemed to be spraying sparks while she was rolling her tongue around in her mouth, pouting, pondering over ways of taking revenge.  
Finally she gave up on that, though, and stood up, walking past him towards the exit.  
But then she stopped, standing next to him now.  
Her hand reached out for the last dollop of mashed potatoes on his plate and smacked it almost debonairly into his face, making sure she'd rub it into his nose and eyes well enough. _

"_Sorry", she said. "Didn't know you still wanted to eat that." _

_Feeling a lot better after that she victoriously left the cafeteria leaving Mr. Potatohead behind with a satisfied smile on his mush face. _

* * *

Three days later in the present

The paper rustled as she turned the page of the New York Times and bit into her apple. Her breakfast.  
The sound of rustling paper would always remember her of those lazy light Sunday mornings in her childhood.  
Her Dad had always checked out the sports pages first and then he had usually read the comics with her sitting on his lap.  
She swallowed and erased the thought from her mind before it could set off one of these insane chain reactions of gibberish that sometimes evolved in women's heads.

It was the smell of freshly cut grass wafting through the open window that suddenly nauseated her again.

Another childhood memory was the sound of the lawn mowers on a Sunday morning. But she didn't remember it having nauseated her ever before.

She quickly jumped up and ran to her bathroom.

A minute later she had already finished the first attack for today and sat down on the edge of her bath tub, bending her head backwards and closing her eyes.  
They opened again and her eyelids twitched when she heard her door bell ringing.

"Brought you breakfast!" House said with a nonviscous expression on his face and lifted a brown paper bag he was holding in his hand.

"Forget it, won't stay in my stomach anyway", she wearily replied, not even interested why and that he had come to her place on a Sunday morning, and trotted away from him, leaving the door open so that he followed her inside.

He even followed her into the bathroom where she sat down on the toilet lid trying to cope with the next wave of nausea and looked up at him.

"You know I'm really starting to think that this is somehow turning you on", she said when he sat down on the edge of her bath tub and reached out for one of the remaining pregnancy tests under her sink.

"Can I have one ?" he asked and held up a box.

"Why ? Hooker's experiencing morning sickness, too ?"

"Why do you always have to be so mean?" he asked her mockingly and added. "Just wanted to know what it's like when your pee talks to you."

"It's not really enlightening. Relatively monosyllabic and one-sided conversation", she responded sarcastically.

"Mh. Apparently you do have moodswings", he stated and opened the brown bag taking out a take-away box of something that smelled familiar.

Cuddy frowned.

"Are those mashed potatoes?"

"No", he shook his head. "It's purée de pomme de terre, got it at that little French delicatessen place around the corner."

His eyes tried to avoid hers but were drawn to them, eventually returning her look.  
There was a serious and somehow arcane expression on her face, lying under a thin layer of surprise and elation.  
He felt his heart beat faster when the silent understanding of this gesture emerged and turned the expression on her face into a knowing smile.  
With that gesture he had said more than he could ever put in words and she acknowledged that by reaching out for the box and the plastic spoon he offered her, bravely eating the potato mash that actually tasted pretty good.  
But when her nausea reached a new peak she had to throw him out of the bathroom again, and shortly thereafter threw the mash out of her stomach, too.

When the door opened again she was as pale as chalk and seemed wobbly on her knees.

He watched her skeptically as she toddled towards her bedroom and lay down on her bed.

"This is how the Dean of Medicine spends her weekends ?" he asked her disappointedly and when she nodded wearily he concluded: "Bummer !" and sat down on the bed next to her.

His hand twitched in the intention to reach out for her, to caress her back and tenderly brush the hair out of her face as she closed her eyes. She looked so vulnerable and fragile and as miserable as he felt. It could be that simple. He knew what would have been the right thing to do, but he had trapped himself in that cage of his own misery too long ago to do what would have been right in this situation. So instead of following his intention he clutched his hand onto his thigh as the pain in it started throbbing.  
And he let his eyes go where he had wanted his hand to go by watching her fighting her nausea, biting her lower lip every once in a while when she suppressed another gag reflex.  
She was dealing with that on her own pretty fine.  
He swallowed a Vicodin and got up from the bed, to look out of her window, down into her garden.  
She wasn't miserable. And she wasn't that vulnerable. That's why she didn't need him in this. She didn't ask for his love because all she needed now was a friend, someone who distracted her a bit.

"You wanna go out ?" he finally asked her and she opened her eyes, furrowing her brows.

"Yah, sure", she replied. "Let's take a ride on that infernal machine of yours", she said and closed her eyes again.

"When did you turn into such a partypooper?" he complained and walked out of her bedroom into her kitchen, hearing her running into the bathroom again as he poured some orange juice into a glass and gulped it down listening to the sound of her retching.

After she had finished what she hoped had been the last attack from her body for that day she left the bathroom feeling much better and lighter, realizing how happy one could feel about the plain absence of nausea. She walked back into the bathroom after she had chosen her outfit for the day and locked the door before she got into the shower. She had learned to lock it ever since that one night. At least when House was around.  
When she felt the water running down on her skin, enfolding her in pure comfort and warmth she smiled. She had made it through another one of those dreadful mornings of the first trimester. Swollen ankles and gaining weight seemed like fun compared to this.

"Okay", she finally said when she found House lying on her sofa reading a book about contemporary European architecture.

She didn't even remember owning a book like that.

"Let's go wherever you wanted to take me", she gave in almost jovially and he got up.

"But we're taking my car", she added and he helped her into her coat to her surprise.

"Nice sweater", he said when he saw that she had put on a black turtleneck sweater. "Very chaste for a change", he added and she looked at him, still irritated by his friendliness.

Half an hour later

"What…is this ?" Cuddy said when she got out of her car and found herself standing in front of a large building that looked like an IKEA.

"Already told you. It's a business fair", he shortly replied and started walking towards the entrance.

Her eyes stared at the posters dangling from walls and lanterns everywhere around her. They showed pictures of bacon, steaks, ham, 'laughing' pigs and cows and sausages. One of them read "50th Annual Butcher's Blast" and she pulled a weirded out face.

"Is this a meat fair ?" she asked him stunnedly but he ignored her and she followed him inside, still hoping she was wrong despite the numerous obvious signs that she wasn't.

"You know I'm vegetarian", she started but froze when they reached the inside.

"Come in, should be fun. They have the coolest machines in here", he said. "Let's see if we can find a tofu chopper", he added cheerfully and proceeded.

"House", she said, not moving an inch from where she was and he turned around, alarmed by the sincerity in her voice.

She held on to the doorframe and looked like a ghost. The smell of raw animal muscles and the sight of what seemed to be a giant market hall of meat displaying disturbingly brutal looking machines had instantly reactivated the nausea. She felt sweaty and shaky when she turned around and ran out of the building to bend over behind one of the posters where she threw up nothing more but stomach fluids accompanied by tiny spots of blood that told her that her esophagus had had enough of this, just as much as she had, too.

"Not funny", she hissed when she felt House standing behind her. Her fingers were clutching to the poster showing a giant piece of ham and she looked at him furiously.

He was munching a sausage and looked down at her, getting a little worried at her sight.  
That much nausea was not normal in a pregnancy. He didn't like that, because he wouldn't like it if this pregnancy turned out to be more of a danger to her than a gift.

"You okay ?" he asked not being able to hide his worry completely and she shook her head.

"You're gonna pay for this", she said and straightened up, adjusting her hair and her coat again.

"So, you're ready to go then ?" House asked her innocently and she glared at him confusedly.

"Go where ?"

"C'mon, you didn't seriously think that this is where I wanted to take you, did you ? You should know me better."

Despite the roughness he so carefully added to the tone in his voice there was also a noticeable softness to it that striked her. He had noticed it, too, which was why he turned around to walk back to her car again.

"Actually, I do know you better which is why I wasn't expecting you to take me to an organ concert on a Sunday morning, anyway", she shouted after him and followed him.

He really hadn't planned this detour but he had seen the posters on the way and hadn't been able to resist. Too bad her stomach had thwarted this experience.  
She remained silent, still mad at him when they got back into her car. She let him drive again, though, which told him that she was not feeling okay at all.  
He looked at her and she avoided his gaze, staring at the street. Only when he kept refusing to look at the street, too, she finally gave in.

"You might wanna look where you're driving this time or we'll end up attending another Pig Pickin' festival. And next time I'll make sure you'll get to see the insides of a chopper", she snapped at him huffily and frowned when she saw the look on his face.

"You sure, you're okay ?" he asked, without any snark or snottiness in his voice this time.

Their eyes held on to each other for a moment exchanging the words their lips couldn't and she felt all her anger being swept away by the breathlessness over his honest concern.

"Yah, I'm fine", she therefore replied, simply, softly and forgivingly and there were so many other things resonating in these simple words.

Ten minutes later they finally stopped where he had intended to go originally and her face lit up in surprise.

"This is a flea market", she said skeptically. "A fancy one", she added and he nodded.

"It's the best place to make a few vintage bargains", he said and got out of the car.

"You go to flea markets", she stated again still not believing he had taken her here.

"I have my quirks", he simply replied and headed towards a stand where a young guy who was covered with tattoos and piercings was selling old LP's.

Cuddy watched him and smiled understandingly. Music was House's true love, she remembered and moved away from him in a different direction when she spotted a little stand selling vintage toys. She hadn't found the nerve to think about the nice aspects of having a child yet, but this stand with all its tin toys and dolls gave her the chance to do that for the first time since she had found out about this pregnancy. She lifted a little windable stuffed monkey with a hat holding a drum and sticks. Her fingers brushed over the fluffy surface of the toy and she put it back down looking at the other treasures, forgetting about the uncertainty that had kept her awake during the past days.

Instead she now felt joy over this little wonder and was thankful for the second chance, no matter how screwed it was.  
And she felt thankful for something else: That she wasn't alone. And that it had been him who had made her realize all that.

Three hours later

"They forgot to put ketchup into the paper bag", House complained as Cuddy was entering the expressway back to her home again.

This time she was driving so that there wouldn't be another nauseating detour. She looked at him as he lifted her eyebrows at her and pulled a puppy face.

"You're not seriously expecting me to turn around", she said and stepped on the gas.

"What's the point in eating french fries without having ketchup ?" he asked.

"Lowering the insane amount of calories your poisoning yourself with ?" she shot back and shook her head. "But what am I thinking, someone who orders three super sized portions of french fries is certainly not wasting their time on calory calculations", she added and turned right when she spotted a big yellow 'M' shining at her from half a mile ahead.

"What are you doing ?" he asked her irritatedly.

"This is your lucky day", she replied and nodded towards the yellow 'M'. "I'm getting ketchup for you", she added and furrowed her brows at his apparent astonishment.

"But not there ?!" he whined. "Those are french fries from Burger King !" he shouted at her. "The second they get touched by McDonald's ketchup they explode and drag all existing life with them into the abyss."

"Eh…okay….", she slowly retorted and drove back onto the expressway. "Guess you'll have to cope with those ketchup-deprived fries then", she concluded and asked herself what she was doing there in her car with him sitting next to her anyway.

But she knew the answer when she saw her own smile in the rear view mirror.

When she pulled over in front of her house she took the empty paper bag from House's lap, reached out for the plastic bag on the backseats, containing the first toy for her child's room and got out of the car.  
She threw the fast food waste into the garbage and turned around at him.  
He had followed her and stood still now, looking down at her.

"Thanks", she finally said and blinked meekly.

To her own surprise she had enjoyed her time with him, it had almost been a perfect day, the first sunny day in weeks.  
Now the sun was ready to set again, it stood low on the horizon, shining it's golden winter light into their faces and across the deserted street.

"Did you have fun?" he asked her and almost sounded as if he was seriously caring.

She nodded and smiled.

"I did. Surprisingly", she admitted and noticed a hint of a smile emerging on his face, too.

House made a step towards her and she took a step backwards, flinching.

"No", she said and placed her hand on his chest.

If she let him in after a day like this she would lose this fight. She was too weak, too flattered by the motives for everything he had done that day, too confused about her feelings and too drawn to him, knowing that this would never be more than just sex at this point.  
In an attempt to prove herself right she got on her tiptoes and brushed his lower lip with her mouth, softly kissing him, teasing him with her lips and with the tip of her nose before she pulled back again and looked at him, realizing she was right.  
This innocent little kiss had already been enough to disarm him completely since he was staring at her lost in his arousal and she felt how her own defense faded with every second they were standing there. Being so close to each other and still being miles apart.

He eyed her, not being able to read the signs she was giving him since they couldn't be more inconsistent than they were.

"Don't think I'm gonna make it that easy for you", she finally said pugnaciously and turned away from him, leaving him alone outside.

He watched her thoughtfully and lowered his gaze when his eyes followed her long shadow that was moving on the ground, touching his feet.  
When he turned around to walk to his motor cycle he shook his head. This woman was just as complicated as he was.

And that was probably exactly the crucial point.


	16. Pieces of a Puzzle

Thank you so much for your reviews, hoped you'd like their Sunday out since I thought it was such a sweet gesture of him despite the meat market. And I am already sad now that we are heading towards the end...But I need to study for my final clinical skills exam in three weeks, so it's better to finish this anyway. I am giving you an update now, since there won't be any further updates till Monday, I have to work on the weekend and I'll be at a bachelorette party, so there's no time for this. Sorry about that and enjoy my next chapter, more flashbacks ahead...they're just getting a little sad now :0)

Oh, and I stole the movie characters from Rosemary's baby for this one, too, just for those who haven't seen the movie...if there are people out there that haven't seen it...I don't know...

* * *

**Pieces of a Puzzle**

The next morning

It was already past ten when House finally decided it was time to join the working world out there. For the past couple of days he had concentrated on following Cuddy to the bathrooms but he had got tired of it since it hadn't really given him any kind of information whether the differences between her two pregnancies were hinting towards the likeliness of his involvement in this. And watching her throwing up was not a turn on at all, he hated it. Especially since the frequency of her attacks was worrying him. But he brushed these worries away quickly.  
Everything was going to be fine. And she was after all just pregnant, that was a boring diagnosis.  
The state of her mind was a much more interesting puzzle since her eyes and her smiles kept telling him that she wanted him in. Yet, her words and actions kept shutting him out. It was obvious that she was trying not to like him with every fiber of her body and it seemed to drive her crazy that she kept failing. All this should make him wonder, let him reconsider his beavior, let him try to make it easier for her.  
But it didn't.  
It was way more fun to fight this battle till the end, though he didn't know what there would be at the end. He didn't even know if he wanted to win this battle.

He only knew one thing: that he wanted to be part of her thoughts just as much as she was part of his thoughts.

When he opened his apartment door to leave he faced a wall.  
He bent his head to the side to read the words on the wall.  
"Diamond Organics best organic frozen tofu" the wall said at least fifty times.

He stepped backwards.  
Diamond Organics had apparently delivered over fifty boxes of frozen tofu to his place.  
On top of the wall there was an envelope and he snatched it and ripped it open. It was a bill over 250 dollars including taxes. Delivery was free of course.

His eyebrows shot towards his hairline. He hadn't known that something that tasted that terrible was so expensive.  
He smiled as he tore the tofu wall down with his cane and climbed over the boxes out of his apartment.  
Someone must have made this order and he knew it hadn't been him.

Half an hour later he walked inside the clinic and turned towards her office straight away.

But when he saw that it was empty and the lights were out he hesitated and turned around.

"Where's Cuddy?" he asked the clinic nurse behind her desk and she shrugged her shoulders.

"As far as I know it's the annual AMA meeting his week. Over in-", she replied indifferently and got interrupted by him.

"She's gone for the whole week ?" he snapped at her.

"Yah. I thought you'd know that", the nurse replied in a very strange tone that made House wonder what the headlines of the hospital's secretly circulating imaginary gossip magazine would be like at the moment.

He was sure that it hadn't escaped people's notice that he had followed Cuddy around more than usual. Even he had realized that he and Cuddy had been behaving awkwardly around each other and he wasn't exactly the most objective observer.

"So who's steering the Titanic now ? Or is it on autopilot ?" he asked and the nurse smiled at him.

"Vice Dean is Dr. Blevins. Now you _really _should know _that_", she lectured him and walked away.  
"Oh, and Dr. Cuddy told me to remind you of your clinic duty", she turned her head around and gave him a stern look.

"Does Blevins also wear red thongs ?" he shouted with a disgusted look on his face and the nurse shook her head along with everyone else around him.

House turned around and peered through the glass door of Cuddy's office. She had exchanged the locks and he couldn't access it with his spare key anymore.  
But thanks to the glass wall everything he needed to see he saw: The dustbin was empty.  
Which meant that the janitor must have emptied it that morning. Which meant that there had to be traces that would lead him to her.

"Where's the annual AMA meeting this year ?" he asked his three fellows and his medical student when he entered his office.

"Isn't it in Chicago ?" Chase answered and Cameron shook her head.

"As far as I know it's in D.C." she replied.

"No.Was in D.C. last year, this year it's Chicago", Foreman agreed with Chase and House looked at the medical student who just returned the look blankly.

"Okay, you're really as useless as I thought you were. Don't you have a rectal exam to do in the clinic", he snapped at the med student and turned towards his fellows again.

"And you guys are just as indecisive as always", he said. "Which is why I will consult with my fourth fellow, Dr.Garbage", he finished and lifted a plastic bag to turn it upside down over the table until it spat out its contents.

"Where did you get that again ?" Cameron asked annoyedly.

His obsession with Cuddy's trash started worrying her because she had the feeling there was something serious going on between the two of them.

House picked up a Victoria's secret receipt and looked at it confusedly while he answered Cameron's question.

"Bruno, the Trashman. Very grateful guy. Full load of trash only costs me a dollar. Guess it's all a question of supply and demand", he said and checked the date of the receipt.  
She had bought a full set of new expensive underwear that morning. He frowned. Why would she do that before she left for the AMA meeting ?  
Then he finally saw it: A copy of a hotel reservation in Chicago and the confirmation for a flight from Newark to Chicago.  
Now why was that so easy ? House frowned. But then there was a slight chance that she would never expect him to follow her to her AMA meeting.  
Or that she wanted him to follow her. Which was an interesting option.

"It's in Chicago", he stated more to himself and turned around to leave the office.

"Where are you going ?" Chase asked and House turned around.

"Are there any interesting patients at the moment ?" he asked and Foreman shrugged his shoulders.

"Nothing we couldn't handle", he casually replied and House nodded.

"Great. And if you have any questions, ask our stellar med student", he said. "I'll be in Chicago if you need me. Important meeting. Grown-up stuff", he added and pulled a mocking face.

With these words he pushed the glass door open and disappeared.

Eight hours later

When he entered the Hyatt Regency hotel in Chicago he was proudly holding a glossy brochure from the Chicago Auto Show in his hands.  
He had always wanted to go there and thanks to the AMA he had finally made it. Now he could cross that off his list of his things to do before he died.

He proceeded to the blonde receptionist behind the hotel's check-in counter and leaned on it to take a peek at her cleavage before she'd open her mouth and ruin everything with her dumbness.  
And there she went already: "Good evening, may I help you, Sir?" she beamed at him.

"Hi, Greg House. I'm a friend of one of your dear guests lodging in this precious little flophouse", he introduced himself making sure the blonde would hate him already by the end of the sentence.  
"Her name's Lisa Cuddy. That's C-U-D-D-Y", he spelled slowly and felt like he was talking to an android.

The receptionist widened her Crest-toothpaste smile and made him fear his android assumption might actually be true.

"Let me see", she said and went through the guest list.

House was impatiently patting his fingers on the desk as he tried to take a peek at the guest list, too. Finally the receptionist looked up again.

"I'm sorry, but there is no Lisa Cuddy on our guest list. You said your name was Greg House ?" she suddenly seemed to remember something and he nodded irritatedly.

"Do you guys actually go to college for this job ?" he snapped at her and got hit by another bright smile.

"I think I might have a message waiting for you", she replied sweetly and House rolled his eyes as she turned around to search for the message.

People like her got so brainwashed during their training that they didn't even perceive rudeness, it was like banging your head against a brick wall, no matter how rude he was they still smiled back which always made him even more aggressive. He considered it a sport to watch how their smiles looked more and more forced, though.

"There we go", she turned around holding a small white envelope in her hand and he snatched it out of her hands.

"You had spinach for lunch ?" he snarled at her and she nodded in bewilderment.  
"Might wanna get rid of what's left of that between your teeth", he added and turned around to sit down in the lobby to read the message.

The receptionist blushed and turned around to wipe her teeth with her finger tips and he smiled. He had won. She wouldn't smile again for the rest of the day.

When he had found a comfortable inviting armchair he sat down and looked at the envelope. It had his name on the front. He flipped it around.  
On the back it read "From: Rosemary Woodhouse".  
He smirked. Those pregnancy hormones were slowly turning Cuddy into a real joker.  
When he opened the envelope he found a small card in it saying no more than "Even trash lies sometimes."

He gasped and for a moment his mind went completely blank when he realized that she had fooled him most cunningly by turning his very own weapons against him.

She had manipulated her trash!

He got up and limped back to the receptionist, tossing the card on the desk.

"Do you remember where the person who dictated you this was calling from ?" he asked and the receptionist looked at him sheepishly.

He rolled his eyes again and searched for some money in his pocket.

"I know you aren't as smart as you're trying to look like, so stop trying", he barked at her annoyedly and handed her a five dollar bill. Just when she wanted to take it he pulled it away from her again.

"Wait. I don't even need you", he suddenly stated and waived with the bills as he turned around. "Internet is much cheaper and smarter than you", he said and left the building to go to the Internet Café he had spotted on the corner on his way to the hotel.

Cameron had been right.  
The AMA meeting was in D.C. and if he had trusted her or the internet rather than Cuddy's waste, or if he had just let the nurse finish her sentence he'd have saved the six hundred dollars he had spent on this trip. He had allowed her to fool him which meant that all this was messing with his wit. That couldn't be a good sign.  
But then again, the Auto show had already been worth it.

He got up from the plastic chair in the internet cafe, tossed a dollar on the desk next to the exit and took the next cab back to the airport.

Three days later

"Where are you going ?" he heard Cameron's voice as he was walking down the hallway to the elevator.

He turned around.

"You already finished the PCR ?" he asked her and she nodded.

"RT is still running in the cycler", she replied curtly and gave him an inquiring look. "You're leaving early", she stated.

"I always do", he replied and continued walking.

"Not that early", she insisted and he stopped and sighed.

"Gotta catch a flight", he said indifferently and she raised her eyebrows speechlessly.

But then it dawned on her.

"You're flying to Cuddy", she concluded and his silence gave her the answer she had expected.

"No, goin' surfing on Hawaii", he then said trying to cover up his initial speechlessness over her sensitivity when it came to him.

She approached him when he had come to a halt in front of the elevators.

"What is this ?" she asked him and he rolled his eyes.

"Oh God", he whined with a dramatic expression on his face and a few people around them turned their heads.  
"For the last time: We are not married. We've been through this in all the therapy sessions. You need to understand that or they'll put you back on those pills that make you drool", he mocked her in a loud voice and she opened her mouth in defense but reconsidered her words and remained silent.

"She's pregnant, isn't she ?" Cameron suddenly shot and he winced.

Cameron smiled when she saw that she had hit the bull's eye.

"Saw her on the OB/Gyn floor as a patient. And I see the two of you marching through the hospital like two conspirers all the time lately", she calmly explained and he smiled.

"Looks like working with me really trained your diagnostic skills", he said sulkily and she looked down.

Some kind of heavy and awkward silence filled the air and House looked around irritatedly, waiting for her to finish what she had started.

"Is this…is it yours?" she asked and House looked at the display above the approaching elevator, avoiding eye contact.

"None of your business", he finally said hoarsely when the elevator door slid open and added in his usual snarky tone: "Gotta go. Have to pick up my surfboard on the way to the airport."

"It's nice, you know ?" she said softly, stepping onto the threshold between the hall and the elevator, holding the door open.

Her look was serious, meaningful and heartbreaking. And he knew that in a way she was right.

"Yeah, it's a true blessing from heaven", he replied sarcastically.

But more to himself than to her, looking at her until she stepped back and vanished behind the closing elevator door. Cameron's shoulders dropped and she turned away, disappointed.  
But somehow also relieved. Because she had certainty now. And because it meant that there was still hope for him to find what he was looking for.

Five hours later

Soft jazz music was playing in the background as House approached Cuddy who was leaning against a column in the hall of the St.Regis Hotel in D.C. where the final dinner party of the annual meeting of the AMA took place.  
She was wearing an elegant black dress that was hopefully not as low-cut on the front as it was on the back.

"You're not gonna call him Andrew, are you ?", he picked up on the "Rosemary's baby" joke and she winced.

But when she turned around she smiled and silently gasped at the sight of him actually wearing decent clothes, even an ironed shirt.  
She had secretly expected him to come, but still it was a surprise because she hadn't really believed he would take that step.  
Following her around on her travels made it hard to hide that he had feelings for her.  
It was actually a silent confession and she was proud of herself for having him tricked into his.  
Though he was smart enough to understand her true intentions.  
Which was why this wasn't a silent confession. It was only insanely preposterous.  
And much more expensive than just calling a spade a spade by expressing his feelings in words.

"First of all I still find it impressive that you're already so sure it'll be a boy. And second of all: You are a very sick man", she smoothly welcomed him.

He let out a silent whistle when he saw that her dress was also very low-cut on the front, but managed to cover a little more than the back side could.

"Why did you buy new underwear when you're apparently not even wearing any ? And then: Why aren't you wearing any underwear when you're already pregnant ?" he sneered at her.  
"Pregnancy is not a free ticket to more fun", he lectured her like a father lectured his daughter. "Have you learned nothing?"

She just smiled again and lifted her glass of orange juice to her lips to take a sip, not taking her eyes off him for a second.

He averted his gaze, when he felt getting nervous.  
Her dress was showing way too much skin for him to stay calm and the looks she gave him over the edge of her glass and the way she licked the sweetness of the orange juice from her lips told him that she was doing all that on purpose.She was trying to make him weak.

"The fact that you're drinking orange juice must be a real turn-off. How can they even let you stand alone around here ?" he mumbled curmudgeonly.  
"You're the hottest chick in here. And apparently the only one, too", he stated when a very voluptous and hairy woman in a tight dress that made her look like an egg-roll walked past them.

"Wanna go ?" she suddenly said out of the blue as if she had only waited for his arrival and he hesitated.

"After four days of this I really need some fresh air", she added. "And right now I'm dying for Key Lime Pie."

She turned around and walked away towards the checkroom.  
He followed her staring at her back where her dress revealed the elegant movements of her back muscles dancing under her skin with every step.

"How many pieces of Key Lime Pie have you had this week already ?" he asked when she closed her coat and he noticed it was looking tighter than the last time he had seen her wearing it.

He bowed down towards her stomach. "You're ruining Mommy's hot tush ! You owe me ! " he shouted at the embryo and followed her outside when she turned away, rolling her eyes and smiling at the same time.

When she stepped outside Cuddy closed her eyes and indulged in the crispy cold air that blew into her face and brushed through her hair.

"You mind if we walk ? It's just two blocks", she asked him, looking down at his leg.

"I'm not a cripple. I only have special needs", he replied playing the indignant and they started walking down the street in silence.

When they had sat down and finished their orders with Judy the waitress Cuddy turned her full attention to him.

"Did you just order the Vegan Chocolate Tofu Pie?" she asked him with a bewildered look on her face.

"I spent 250 Dollars on a home delivery of the best organic tofu. I might as well get used to it now", he indifferently replied and she smiled and leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand.

"Why are you doing this ?" she shot at him out of the blue.

House looked at her. Despite the tenseness in her voice she seemed relaxed and he couldn't help the impression that she was flirting with him.

"This 'staring at Judy's juicy cleavage' or this 'stalking you' ?" he asked her.

She lifted her eyebrows in reply and he shrugged his shoulders in defense.

"Why are you asking _me_ ? You basically set me up to this and I'm doing what I always do. The question here is why are _you _suddenly acting like me. I'm the big manipulator here, there can't be two of us coexisting, role's already taken."

"You're deflecting", she stated provocatively and he shook his head and leaned towards her.

"I'm _here_", he said defensively. "Deflecting would mean I'd be sitting in my apartment now watching the National Wrestling Championship rather than flying across the country for lame movie references", he complained.  
"First you tell me why you turned your life into a giant scavenger hunt for me", he challenged her and she snorted.

"I'm only doing this because I figured that turning everything into a game to treat your insane genial mind is the only way to reach you", she shot at him.  
"That. And sex", she added lowering her voice again now. "Now we both know where that brought us."

"You're hiding", he dug deeper and leaned back in his chair, holding on to his cane that was resting between his legs.

"I'm not", she assured him."_You_ are hiding behind this giant wall of cynicism whereas your actions are clearly telling me that this is really getting to you. But why can't you just say that for a change ? I'm tired of figuring you out all the time because I'd like to focus on other things than this giant puzzle of Greg House that always seems to miss a piece. No matter what I do you keep running away by shutting me out and still you follow me around."

It was as if all her frustration poured out of her now that they were there, outside their comfort zone of the hospital that usually forced them to stick to their behavior patterns.

"_You_ went away this time. Without telling me", he retorted confidently.

"I didn't go anywhere, House. You know I'm always there."

Her voice sounded sincere and almost hurt, tired.

"I am there, too", he simply replied and she nodded.

"I know. But I need to hear it for a change. I think I deserve some sign of commitment. This child will need a commitment."

"This _is_ my commitment", he repeated impatiently. "That's all you'll ever get from me and you know that. I don't know what else you expect. Besides it's unfair to play the unborn child card on me when it's not even clear that it's mine."

"I don't expect anything from you. I gave up on that a long time ago", she picked up on his words. "I always said I didn't want you to change. I only want you to stop hiding, because it's getting ridiculous, there's nothing you need to hide from me", she finished mopidly.

He remained silent at these words. Because she had hit a mark there, there was no reason to hide. For neither of them and yet she was just hiding as much as he was. It _was_ ridiculous.

"Hypocrite", he finally snarled.

"Coward", she shot back.

"Stop telling me that I was hiding when you are pushing me away just as much because you hate being in love with me", he said. "You keep drawing back when I approach you. I'm actually taking steps forward here, you should acknowledge that."

"Maybe it's so hard to acknowlege it since your moves are so perfectly disguised by the fact that you're the incarnation of grumpiness", she impatiently snapped at him and hesitated when Judy brought them their pies.  
After she had left them and after Cuddy had found out that Judy's cleavage was nothing to worry about she continued.  
"It's easier for you to get obsessed with something, to search people's trash, to turn everything into a riddle so that your mind gets distracted from pondering over your emotional issues, let alone talking about them. My behavior is only the reflection of yours. You keep hiding, so will I. And this whole thing between us will stay just as weird as it is. Actually it'll even get weirder once I know who the father is", she stated, realizing that no matter who the father would be the ball had been set rolling in this frenzy between her and House.

This had to either lead to something. Or it had to end. For good.  
And she didn't know what that meant for his employment because working with him without getting emotionally involved had obviously failed.  
Her professionalism ended right there. She was after all human, too.

House gave her a dark look that made her shiver inside. It was those eyes that were the missing piece in the puzzle he was, and it was them that always made her weak, because the misery and the sensitivity she could see in them was disarming. At times it seemed as if the reflection of the whole world could be seen in his eyes. Of all the good things and especially the bad things happening in it.

"I brought you mashed potatoes", he retorted as he averted his gaze, poking his tofu pie with his fork as if it were an alien life form about to raise and attack him any minute.

"I gave you a riddle to play with", she replied.

"Yeah, but you only do that because you're feelings are screwed by the parasitic bundle of joy in your uterus", he said and she shook her head.

"No. You're mixing up cause and effect here. The hen was there before the egg", she said meaningfully and looked at him who was unhappily playing around with his pie.

"Is the hen willing to trade her Key Lime Pie for a delicious Chocolate Tofu Pie ?" he finally looked up at her and she took his plate and gave him hers in exchange.

At least they were talking like grown-ups now, she stated and they both turned silent for the rest of their pies. This was a huge step.

When they entered the elevator in the hotel half an hour later she pushed two buttons and he gave her a puzzled look.

"Baby already got its own room ?" he asked.

"No. But you do", she simply replied and held a key card up to hand it over to him.

He frowned at her blue eyes staring coldly at him.

"That's mean", he complained. "After all this emotional gibber gabber I'm not even getting a goody ? You can't sashay around in front of me in that dress and seriously expect me to keep my hands off you."

She shook her head and softly placed her hand against his chest, feeling his heart beat inside, before she pulled back again with a hungry glint in her eyes.

"You have Pay TV on your room", she then replied coolly and left him when the elevator door opened on her floor.

"You are pushing me away. Coldly", he nailed her down to her own previous words and she chuckled.

"I'm not, I'm just giving us time", she replied and turned around. "We already prove that we can handle the physical part", she added with a sexy twitch in her eyebrow and pranced away.

When the door closed and the elevator moved up to the seventh floor House leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, smiling.

Yep, the physical part was definetely nothing to ever get worried about.

* * *

_Three days after Cuddy had fired House for infecting the cancer patient with HIV_

"_Dr.Cuddy?" a physician assitant's voice interrupted her out of nowhere and Cuddy looked up irritatedly._

_She hadn't even heard a knock on her door through the small opening of which the emergency PA was sticking her head inside her office now._

"_What is it?" she curtly replied and already looked back down on the papers she had been signing._

"_It's Dr. House. He's in the E.R., with leg pain", the PA cautiously reported. _

_Cuddy didn't look up. "Any clinical signs of trauma or injury?" she indifferently asked._

"_No. Just sudden onset of leg pain out of nowhere. Says it's a ten out of ten", the PA replied._

_Cuddy signed the front page of the paper stack in front of her, still not looking up. _

"_He's just pouting because I fired him. Give him some kind of placebo against his imaginary pain and send__ him away", she wearily ordered and the PA nodded and pulled her head back out of Cuddy's office. _

_Cuddy sighed and shook her head, she should have known that he wouldn't just leave like that. He had been way too peaceful and calm when he had left his office three days earlier. Of course he had been abrasive and miserable and hadn't even looked at her on his way out but she hadn't expected anything else. _

_On the contrary, this little show in the E.R. now looked a lot more like him and was exactly what she had been waiting for the past three days. What she had been hoping for because she wouldn't have been able to deal with his absolute indifference towards her. _

_Later…_

_A phone rang somewhere in the distance of reality and Cuddy opened her eyes. _

"_Hello?" she answered the phone dozily, and brushed her curls out of her face, yawning._

"_Dr. Cuddy ? I'm sorry to disturb you this early in the morning", a voice at the other end of the phone line answered and she immediately recognized it as belonging to Dr.Stern, the Emergency Medicine attending. _

"_That's okay", she replied, looking at the clock on the nightstand next to her bed. It was 3 a.m. _

"_Apparently it's urgent", she added because Stern wasn't the kind of doctor who would call her at this time for nothing. _

"_It is", he agreed. "It's Dr.House again. He's back, says his leg is still hurting. Still no objective clinical signs for that, though. No swelling, no lesions, no pallor, pulses are fine..." _

_Cuddy rolled on her back and closed her eyes again._

"_So you're calling me because he's fine and you don't know how to get rid of him?" she asked a little impatiently and stared at the ceiling through the darkness. _

"_I'm not sure", Stern answered obviously feeling very uncomfortable now. "If he's faking this he's apparently a very good actor", he explained and Cuddy sighed. _

"_Then admit him and stick some needles into him. I'll deal with him tomorrow. Make sure he doesn't get his own room, though. Treat him just like any other patient. And if he continues to annoy you with his imaginary disease just play along until I'm there." _

"_So you really think he's just simulating ?" the attending asked skeptically._

"_Well, I don't know that since I haven't seen him. But you have and you don't seem too worried", she said getting a little annoyed now. _

"_The lab results are fine, so were X-Ray and CT of his leg, he seems to be okay", he finally confessed that he had actually got worried at the sight of House's pain contorted screaming face. _

"_If you ran all these tests already then why are you calling me ?" she retorted irritatedly. _

"_Because you know him best, you are the only one who can tell if this is just simulating before we waste any more expensive tests on him. Cause honestly, he freaks me out", he replied. _

"_What about his girlfriend ?" she eventually asked. _

"_She thinks it's serious", he responded and Cuddy instantly got up. _

"_I'll be there in half an hour", she said and reached out for her pants and a sweater and hurried to get ready._

_She had to do this at least for Stacy, if not for House. _

_When she entered the clinic thirty minutes later a resident jumped up from a seat in the waiting area and approached her. _

"_Where is he?" Cuddy asked who had obviously used the time it had taken her to get to the clinic to get all worked up about the fact that House's infantility had disturbed her sleep. _

"_Third floor", the resident said and handed her House's test results on the way to the elevator. _

_Cuddy quickly ran over the emergency bloodwork._

"_Bloodcount, CK, coagulation and Creatinine are fine, so is everything else", she established and the resident nodded._

"_What he tells sounds like a textbook presentation of a femoral embolism, but there's nothing else that substantiates this", the resident answered._

"_Have you run an angiogram already", she asked him and lifted her eyebrows at him._

"_We wanted to wait with that until you get here", he said nervously. _

"_Why? I'm not gonna run it. And if he has an embolism then there's no need for me to be here since I'm not a vascular surgeon", she replied grumpily._

"_Dr. Stern still thinks he's simulating", the resident apologized and Cuddy looked at him in surprise._

"_You don't?" _

"_Well, Dr.House's really high-maintenance. So it's hard to tell", he retorted apologetically and Cuddy nodded._

_She had heard that before. But she couldn't blame them. House was already a pain in the neck when he was a doctor, he had to be a doctor's worst nightmare as a patient. _

_Her hands reached out for the curtain that separated House's bed space from the other five in the room. When she saw him she flinched. _

_He was lying on the bed, restless, his eyes were red and glassy and salty pearls of sweat were running down his temples. He hadn't even noticed that she had arrived. There was no way he could be faking that. Yet, all his test results said otherwise. _

"_How much morphine has he had already?" she asked the resident when she marched over to House and looked at his pin-point pupils. _

"_12 mg i.v.", the resident answered and she looked up at him. _

"_And you still think he's faking this ? Get him ready for that angiogram. Now", she shot at him and squeezed House's hand._

_He looked at her drowsily when he felt her cold hand wrapped around his. _

"_Damn rookies", he said hardly audible and she shook her head._

"_Stern is a good doctor. So is his resident. They just believed the test results more than they believed you and I can't even blame them. But we're gonna do an angiogram **now**." _

"_Told them that hours ago", he snarled back. _

_She closed her eyes and nodded regretfully. _

"_You'll be fine", she promised and he frowned. _

"_How do you know that ? You have angiogram vision ?" _

_She shook her head and let go of his hand when the nurses came in to get him ready for the test. _

_But the angiogram was fine. _

_Nothing could be found. And nothing could be done. _

_Until another angiogram 24 hours and 200 ml of hematuria later finally revealed a clot blocking his deep femoral artery. _

_Cuddy held up the angiogram against the light in her office and closed her eyes.  
__She had no idea why this hadn't showed up on the first angiogram but this was a catastrophe.  
His life would never be the same.  
__If he survived this.  
__She let the angiogram sink and sat down onto the couch in her office, hiding her hands in her face wearily.  
__She had failed along with the other doctors.  
__She had allowed her emotions for someone to blur her objectiveness. _

_This had never happened to her before. _

_But then again, she had never met anyone like House before. _

_She looked up when she saw a shadow approaching her office. It was Stacy.  
__She got up as she entered the room. _

"_I'm so sorry", she instantly shot and Stacy shook her head. _

"_You don't need to be. I didn't believe him either", she softly replied and the two of them looked at each other compassionately. _

_It was like looking at themselves in the mirror.  
__There were two women standing across from each other, both of them equally worried, feeling equally guilty and equally fooled by their feelings for him. _

"_How could I do that to him?" Stacy finally asked and Cuddy saw how tears were emerging in her eyes. _

"_I love him! And I let him suffer, thinking he was just faking this as some kind of insane plan to pay you guys back for firing him!" she accused herself and Cuddy shook her head. _

"_It's not your fault. It's mine, because I'm the doctor", she softly said and added to herself that in fact it was also his fault. _

_Because it was his nature that had kept people from taking him seriously, including herself.  
__He had just reaped what he had sowed.  
__She closed her eyes, and turned away from Stacy, sitting down onto the couch again, knowing they would always feel guilty about this.  
__Knowing he would never learn that he had played his part in this as well. _

_Life definetely had a thing for the dramatic._

_Three days later_

_Cuddy stood in the doorway watching them discretely as they were spending this last minute together before he would fall asleep for a month. Stacy was softly brushing his cheek with her hands as tears were rolling down her cheeks and Cuddy averted her gaze, once more feeling like an intrudor. _

_She was trying not to listen to them, instead she was concentrating on how to deal with this over the following weeks.  
__Her guilt over the delay of the right diagnosis was keeping her from realizing how much this really got to her.  
__But she needed to stay calm because she had decisions to make, decisions on how life should go on once he would wake up.  
__Suddenly her attention was brought back to the two of them as she heard him uttering three words she had never imagined him to be capable of saying. _

"_I love you__." _

_She gasped__ and looked at them again. _

"_I love you, too. I'm sorry", Stacy said and Cuddy frowned at the excuse wondering how Stacy would make use of her position as his proxy. _

_But she frowned even more at the intimacy of this. Maybe it was only the drugs speaking. But he had said it. And it had sounded like he meant it.  
That she was standing there in the same room with them but as his doctor, not as the woman sitting next to his bed, said a lot about them. He trusted her professionally, at times even personally. But he had pushed her away just as much as she had always pushed him away.  
Only she had done it because she had never thought they would have a chance. She had been fooled by his misery, she had not believed that he was willing to love someone. But apparently she had been wrong. He had just not been willing to love **her**. _

_They were meant to be brawlers. Participants in an addictive game of power and wit.  
They were too much alike, as weird as it sounded because both of them were afraid of getting hurt and at the same time they were drawn to people most likely to hurt them. _

_Now that she had got to know Stacy everything seemed to make so much sense, because Stacy was disarmingly charming, she unintentionally manipulated everyone around her into capitulation. She was exactly the opposite of House. At times she was Cuddy's only hope for House because she made him look human even at his most obnoxious times. _

_Stacy's hand was holding his tightly and her lips covered his finger knuckles with kisses as he turned around and looked at Cuddy for the last time, looking for reassurance that he would be alright. She nodded since this was the only comfort she could give him and he looked back at Stacy. _

_She closed her eyes as House closed his, too. _


	17. Take your veil down

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your comments and always apologize for any mistakes, if you find anything majorly distracting, please do tell me ! Anyway, hope you enjoy the last chapters of this :0)

And sorry it took so long, I had an evil little bug in my computer system that disconnected me from the world (a worldectomy so to speak, very painful procedure !)

* * *

Two weeks later

Cuddy stormed into his office vigorously, obviously hopping mad and noticed that for the first time ever his eyes did not focus on her cleavage first, but on her waist. It was as if the other three pairs of eyes were following his gaze and she flinched.  
It irritated her until she remembered that this was still a secret. Between her, House and Wilson and her Gynecologist. It was weird that she hadn't shared this secret with any other women so far.  
When she had regained her full confidence she looked back at House.

"Talk. Now", she only managed to snap at him and opened the glass door to let him out first before she followed him out.

She glared at Chase, Cameron and Foreman throwing guilty looks at each other and led House on to the way to her office where she was planning on giving him the lecture of his life.

But she couldn't hold herself back until she got there, since she really didn't understand his motives this time.

"You did it again", she snapped dangerously when they were entering the elevator, tightly controlling the volume of her voice.

House played possum and looked away.

"Look at me", she hissed at him and he didn't listen.

It was the first time in two weeks that she had come to his office, she had been hiding and he had known his latest "sin" would instantly lead her to him. So actually he was looking forward to her rant, because again: This was all he was getting from her at times like these.

When the office door closed behind the two of them she finally exploded while she let go of the doorknob behind her back and walked towards him.

"I never gave you approval for this test because I knew the dangers of it. And so do you", she started and when he wanted to interrupt her she stared him down.  
"You'll wait till I'm finished. Despite my clear statement somehow somebody still ran this test secretly in the middle of the night telling the parents this would help their child but instead the girl went into acute renal failure now.You lied to me, and you lied to these parents because you knew they wouldn't give you their consent just like I wouldn't give you my approval. And now I had to tell them their child was losing her kidneys due to a test that they hadn't even agreed on."  
She took a deep breath and calmed down.  
"Why do you have to keep doing this ? You know I wouldn't stop you if you filled me in and if you used reasonable arguments instead of those loco metaphors to convince me."

When he opened his mouth again to reply to her answer she shook her head, though.

"I'm still not finished. You might as well sit down", she said and he obeyed her and sat down on the chair in front of her desk.

She followed him, turned around and leaned against her desk, folding her arms in front of her chest and looking down at him.

"You have to stop working against me because I am the only one who can save your ass from getting busted", she continued. "And because after all these years it doesn't even make any sense anymore because you know I'm on your side. And especially now I can't think of anything you've ever done that makes less sense, except for the purchase of that blue plastic menorah."

"That wasn't a purchase, it was a gift and turning gifts aways is just rude", he mocked her and she looked at him condescendingly.

"I'm your boss, you need my approval for moves like that, otherwise you're gonna lose your license for one of those pranks one day", she finished trying to lower her voice again.

She got up and walked to the window where she took a moment to calm down before she turned around again.

"Stop shutting me out", she finally said and lifted her eyebrows at him.

He frowned.

"Why do I get the feeling that the subtext of this conversation has nothing to do with kidneys at all ?" he asked and rolled his eyes when she only glared at him cagily.

"Oh please, don't act as if you were seriously worrying about my license after all these years. I know you and I knew you would never give me approval for it. And _you_ knew that I'd do it anyway because you know _me._ And again, for the sake of rhetoric: You. Know. Me. Well enough to understand my metaphors, it's not like I was using Kafkaesc parables when I come here to ask for your approval. But this is us, it's our game and you play along with it just as much as I do, so don't play the innocent somnolent princess in this drama when you're actually the evil fairy. You play along because you know it works. It's the only way to save your tush and mine at the same time. I ask you, you say 'No' and I ignore you, but that way you're not responsible for it anymore. Why change a winning team ?", he asked cynically and she frowned.  
"Besides, you know it turns me on to see you getting mad at me", he added with a steamy huskiness in his voice.

She sighed and bent her head to the side in defeat.

"Because it'd be a lot easier if you followed my rules and thereby no one's ass would get in trouble", she retorted wearily.

"Yah, just the patients would die all the time cause you refuse to accept that I'm always right", he snapped back.

"You're not. You weren't right this time", she replied.

"My diagnosis was right. Patient will be fine."

"Yes, but the expenses of this test didn't justify the cost of losing her kidneys."

"Maybe I got this wrong in med school but I actually think losing her kidneys and getting a transplant is still a lot less dramatic than losing her life and getting nothing. But then again, I might be mixing up the anatomy here", he mocked her and she glared at him.

"There are other tests for this condition that don't shut people's kidneys down", she said.

"Not as fast, not as specific", he quickly replied.

"Not as dangerous", she snapped back.

"For God's sake !" he finally lost his patience and stood up. "It's just the child's kidneys, stop acting like I killed the Easter Bunny!"

Her eyes twitched when she heard the anger in his voice as he stared at her. She looked down and saw how his fingers clung on to his cane until his knuckles turned white. The pain in his thigh was visible, almost tangible right now and she bit her tongue.  
He was right, the subtext of this fight was heavy. Maybe too heavy for them to deal with it at the moment.

Finally she looked at him again and felt her heart skip a beat when she saw a strange, unexpected softness in his eyes.

"Next time, just don't do this", she smoothed their ruffled feathers. "I don't want you to lose your license only because you need to turn everything into a game to enjoy it. The hospital can deal with the lawsuits against you, but you can't on the long run.Your malpractice insurance isn't going to cover for this, you'll lose an insane amount of money", she said, carefully trying to avoid any subtext this time.  
"Not that I'd miss that motor cycle", she added and smiled wearily.

"I'm not gonna sell my motor cycle", he countered. "I'll sell my soul on ebay. That Mehta guy got 500 $ for that", he said.

"You can't sell anything you don't have", she shot back meanly and added: "This is gonna cost you more than 500$. And you're on your own with that. So don't do that again", she finished. "And if you have to do it again, tell me. Because I am the only person who can save you and probably the only person who is willing to save you, too."

"Okay", he agreed indifferently, feeling bored and annoyed because they had had this conversation at least a hundred times and he had never kept his promise.

"Can I go back and play then ?" he asked and she nodded, letting her eyes follow him thoughtfully as he turned around and walked towards her door, not turning around, not even making any noise when he closed the door behind himself.

He had been very calm throughout her rant, had listened to her, hadn't even insulted or mocked her, he had behaved like a grown-up.  
Instead it had been her who had been mean and rough, who had lost her temper.  
She suddenly realized that she might have misunderstood her own motives for her fury this time, that she had been the alexithymic in this situation, that she had overreacted.

She let herself fall into her chair and shook her head, feeling the bitter taste of guilt forming into a big lump in her throat.  
Things were getting out of her control. And with things, she meant "emotions".  
But this kind of lack of control was unacceptable for someone her position, for someone who was usually obsessed with control and neatness.  
That was the reason why she had been hiding in her office over the past two weeks, why she would keep hiding until the paternity test would give her certainty. Before she could take the next step deeper into this maze of hormones and feelings she needed an answer.

When he was out of her sight her eyes discovered something lying on her desk, something that had been lying there all the time and she had completely forgotten about this.  
She pulled a face.  
This was really bad timing.  
But if she wanted her control back then there was no way she could avoid this.

At the same time House was already walking past the waiting area of the clinic, avoiding to look at the patients, searching for his pills in his pocket.

He had been right. And she was right, too. This was what medicine sometimes was like, there wasn't always only one answer and he and Cuddy just always happened to be at the opposite ends of the range of answers that existed. But given their roles in this hospital this was natural.  
When he felt the bitter taste of his Vicodin on his tongue and the rough feeling of it pressing against the wall of his esophagus on its way to his stomach he smiled, feeling a lot calmer now. As much as this would cost him and as much as his decision had cost the patient, the kid was going to live, he had solved the riddle, he had proven everyone wrong again, he had stuck to his principles, he had won the game.  
And he had won something else.

Because back in that office, he had found another answer to a different question he had kept himself asking.  
He had feared that this relationship would impact her ability to do her job. He didn't want to win her love and lose what he needed much more: her never tiring habit to stand up to him when everyone failed and when he needed a corrective and someone who challenged his mind.  
She was his ally but she was also his most important competitor and after their return from D.C. he had feared that he might have lost the competitor somewhere in their new dance of harmonization.  
Her feelings for him had always had the potential of screwing her objectiveness which made her a bad boss sometimes but also a good person. She knew that and she took care of that weakness by trying to compensating this with an extra layer of stubbornness and a cold almost lioness-like strength surrounding her soft core.  
This layer seemed to be even thicker now. And that told him that her emotions for him were a lot stronger, too.  
Still, in the end, nothing had changed. She was strong enough to deal with the complexity of this and he had just needed reassurance.

"House", he heard her voice again but this time it had a completely different sound – there was a noticeable hint of guilt, and a touch of hysteria in her voice - so that he turned around.

She looked uncomfortable.

"Can I talk to you again, for a second ?" she curtly said, trying to keep her voice down.

"I already told you: What happened in D.C. stays in D.C.", he replied fakely dramatic, not trying to keep his voice down at all and marched back into her office.

The nurse behind the desk frowned at them and turned around, exchanging meaningful looks with the other staff members who had witnessed the scene and who had also heard the yelling voices out of her office only five minutes earlier.

Cuddy was already standing behind her desk - her wooden wall of defense - again and still seemed very uncomfortable when she threw a suspicious look at the nurse's desk outside before she held up a cotton swab.

House winced.

"Back up with that instrument of evil", he said and raised his arms in defeat.

She rolled her eyes and bent to the side to see whether people were still listening and whether anybody had seen her with the 'instrument of evil'.  
One day she would have to replace this glass wall, the idea of having an office inside a panic room was very tempting at times like these.

"Please. I need a sample", she almost whispered when she was sure no one was watching them.

"Thought you had another two weeks", he said and took the cotton swab out of her hand to plug it into his mouth.

"I'll send this in earlier to speed up the process. The CVS appointment is in a week already, but the results will take another week from then", she explained and looked down, waiting for him.

There was something very intimately sincere to the silence rising between them while he made sure he rubbed the cotton swab against his oral mucosa thoroughly to get enough epithelial cells for the test.  
When he was done he returned the cotton swab to her, raising his eyebrow funnily at her and she quickly slipped the swab into a vial and the vial into a plastic bag.  
House nodded silently as he watched her and noticed how uncomfortable she was, realizing how far he was from feeling uncomfortable.

"That's it ?" he asked and she nodded embarrassedly.

When he was gone she leaned back in her chair and let out a sigh of relief.  
So far this was just as complicated as she had imagined it.  
He had to love that.

A week later 

The snow was back, and had started covering the early blossoms that had dared to shoot out of the ground at the first sight of the sun.  
House entered the hospital and went straight to the clinic to grab a warm cup of coffee from the nurses' lounge when he saw that Cuddy's office was still dark and deserted.  
Then he remembered and instantly turned around to walk back to his car.

Over the past three weeks either of them had managed to walk this path on their own, everything that needed to be said had been said. And they both had kept hiding.  
Now it all depended on who would take their guard down first.  
And that again depended a lot on the outcome of this test.  
To his own discomfort he felt that he was getting nervous.

With her hand protectively resting against her belly she left the fancy private practice on the Upper East Side.  
The gynecologist who had performed the chorionic villus sampling was a friend from med school. She trusted him and his practice was far away from the PPTH. The last thing she wanted to do now was pouring fuel into the fire of the ongoing gossiping whether she was pregnant or not and whether the child was a product of true love, sex or test tubes and reproductive medicine.

The moment her feet touched the sidewalk in front of the practice she felt the cramps starting despite the long rest she had taken after the procedure.  
But she had been warned and she knew that this was a normal reaction to the stimulus of the sampling, but it still freaked her out since she only remembered cramps like that from her miscarriage.

She took a deep breath and started walking towards Lexington Avenue from where she would take a cab all the way back home.  
That was the downside of her career: As many people as she knew she had never had the time to stay in touch with her girlfriends who had all decided to live different lives and could now not be with her because they had their own families to take care of at home. The only woman she knew she could share this with was her mother. And she was certainly not the type of person she would want to have around now, she hadn't even told her about this pregnancy yet.  
Maybe this day off was a chance to do some catching up with some of her friends, she decided, when suddenly a familiar voice made her turn around.

"How were you planning to get home ?" House asked, leaning against his car that was parked right behind her and she wondered why she hadn't seen him.

"It's called a yellow cab", she replied, shielding her eyes against the sunlight that was now breaking through the clouds and made the thin layer of snow on the ground glisten.  
"It's actually pretty neat, they drive you anywhere you wanna go", she mocked him feeling relieved that she apparently did have a friend to rely on.

"Do you know how these people drive?" he whined and pulled an angsty face that made her smirk.

"I know how YOU drive", she replied. "And yellow cab seems safer."

"But yellow cab takes you uptown when you really wanna go downtown because yellow cab just got here illegally three days ago and only knows he has to avoid the holy cows flooding the streets", he retorted and she frowned quizzically.

"Get in", he commanded her finally and she obeyed.

An hour and a half later 

Watching General Hospital on a big TV screen was nice for a change. He had got used to watching it on his little pocket TV, or on the small glimmering screens of the TV's in the hospital, but watching it on her TV in her living room with her lying on the couch next to the chair he was sitting in was a whole new experience. He even had to smile when he realized how corny it was actually.

He turned around to see whether she was still watching the show with him, but her condescending comments had stopped already after the first commercial break so that he wasn't surprised when he saw that she had fallen asleep. Her hand was lying on her stomach and her hair was wildly curling around her head.  
He noticed goose bumps on her arms and looked around.  
Since he was in a corny mood anyway he decided to fully live up to it and stood up to reach out for a blanket he saw lying on another chair in the corner of the living room.  
He limped back with it and unfurled it to cover her with it, gently tucking it in on the sides so that it wouldn't fall off.  
She smelled good and her body felt warm despite the goose bumps on her arms.  
He finally stepped back to look at the picture - and frowned.

Something was wrong about this.

Then he smirked and silently limped into the bathroom, leaving his cane behind so that its stomping sound wouldn't wake her up.  
When he returned he was holding her eye liner pencil in his hand and started his artwork.

It was already dark outside when she woke up and almost just as dark in her living room, that was filled with absolute silence.  
For a second she thought he had left when she spotted an empty pizza box on her couch table. She reached out for it and felt that the pizza was still warm.  
A blanket fell down on the ground when she stood up and she looked at it wondering where it had come from, almost unable to believe that House might have covered her with it.

Still feeling a little drowsy she walked out of the dark living room towards the hallway where she switched on the lights and finally saw House.

He was sitting in an armchair in her dining room, wearing headphones, listening to music with his eyes closed. He looked so peaceful and calm, lying there in the falling darkness, with the dark greyish blue light of the evening sky shining in his face as she approached him until her shadow fell into his face.  
When he didn't react she picked up the CD cover lying in his lap. According to that he was listening to Paganini.  
She carefully reached out for his headphones and took them off, thereby finally waking him up from the doze he had fallen into.

When he opened his eyes he saw her standing above him, the dim blue of the falling evening was lining her silhouette and she was looking at him fondly with her big dark eyes and her lips smiled at him under that black eye liner mustache he had decorated her with.

"Among all that cacophonic junk on your shelf you do actually have some good stuff here", he conceded.

"It's late", she said softly. "You should go."

He frowned.

"And you just woke me up to tell me that ?"

"No. I woke you up to thank you", she replied and he shrugged his shoulders.

"You're welcome", he said as if this was just about a random favor he had done her.

She sat down on the footrest in front of the arm chair and placed her hand on his left thigh, looking at him with dreamy eyes and he returned the look, trying to read what that glint in her eyes meant.

"God, you're hormonal", he finally said and felt how the touch of her hand on his thigh started burning.  
"You wanna jump me", he added and she smiled, watching her own hand gliding up his thigh and his waist until she softly rested it against his chest.

"What ? Thought my mustache was a turn on for you", she said, victoriously raising her eyebrows at him and he had to smile.

She was apparently too smart to get fooled by his lame boyish tricks. He had to come up with something better next time.

"Besides I can't 'jump' you. Not after this procedure", she added dryly and was just about to pull back when he put his hand on hers and pressed it against his chest forcing her to stay where she was.

"Nothing wrong with foreplay", he replied and she looked at his hand lying on hers until she looked back into his eyes, puzzled and amused.

"Did you take anything else along with your Vicodin ?" she asked him as he moved her hand down his stomach.  
"I thought foreplay was against your religion", she teased him hoarsely, carefully watching where his hand was steering hers.

"Yah, but that's the cool thing about being the God of your own religion. You can change the rules any time", he replied and she pulled her hand back to get up.

"You know in my bedroom _I'm_ the one who makes the rules", she said when she turned around at the door and looked at him over her shoulder, raising her right eyebrow playfully.

He smiled and raised from the chair to follow her into her bedroom feeling like being under the spell of an evil nymphomaniac witch.

When he closed the door behind him she turned around and approached him with a wild look on her face. He returned it just as wildly and realized he had never been invited into her bed before.  
Her hands landed on his chest again and ran down starting to undress him when he finally bent down and kissed her, gently at first, but then more and more demanding, indulging in her taste, her smell and her touches everywhere on his bare skin.

They both felt free now for some reason.  
He thought it was because he had finally taken a step not even she could mistake for anything else than the commitment it was.  
And she thought it was because she knew that now he would get hurt, too, if this didn't work.  
But most of all it was because now everything else lay in fate's hands and they only had a week until decisions had to be made.

When she felt his hands unbuttoning her shirt and at the same time pushing her towards the bed she noticed that he was not as forceful and fast as usual. He was careful and gentle and slow, leaving black traces of her eyeliner mustache everywhere on her skin as she was leaving the same traces on his neck and his chest until they landed on her bed softly where he finally gained the upper hand and started kissing his way down towards her waistline.

Suddenly he hesitated.

"What is it ?" she whispered and looked at him.

"Nothing", he replied and placed his hand on her flat stomach that somehow wasn't that flat anymore.

"It's okay", she soothed him thinking he was only worrying they were risking too much with their foreplay already.

She laid her hand on his, pushing it further down gently, knowing this would distract him.  
And she was right because within the blink of an eye she felt his scratchy kisses on her skin again.

Still, there was nothing of that rough tension that usually turned sex with him more into a fight than into making love. This time, though, it felt like exactly that.  
But this time they also had to hold themselves back, too, to protect the unborn life inside her.

So they slowed down again after a while when the sky had turned black and the darkness in her room was ensheathing them, making them blind and sleepy.

He switched on a dim light on her night stand and looked at her. She seemed calm and relaxed as she was lying on her back, staring at the ceiling, seemingly miles away from him.  
But she wasn't, because her eyes returned his look clearly and forcefully as always.

He averted his gaze and got up.

"Need to sublimate", he explained and disappeared into the kitchen out of which he returned two minutes later, with two slices of reheated pizza on a plate.

She was lying on the side, resting her head in her elbow as she stole a piece from his plate. He looked at her.

"Nausea's finally gone ?" he asked surprised to see her eating unhealthy food for the first time in weeks and she shook her head.

"There's a reason why it's called _morning_ sickness", she answered. "But it _is_ getting better."

He nodded and leaned against the backrest of her bed.

"Good", he stated and stuffed the pizza in his mouth. "Cause your breath was really smelly", he added, covering that he had actually really started worrying about her morning sickness being a first symptom of gestosis.

She watched him from the side, amazed, wondering what else he kept hiding under this grumpy surface, that she had never known about. Realizing that she really didn't want to change anything about him at all.

"This is nice", she finally stated and turned on her back again feeling his eyes on her.

"Don't get used to it", he snarled and she closed her eyes.

"Too late", she mumbled sweetly and got silent when she felt how tired she actually was.

The world seemed to be perfect this minute and for the first time in weeks she perceived this uncertainty as a blessing, because everything was still possible, there were no obligations.

She had pledged herself not to let him near her again before the results of the test were there, not to lose herself in something that might not have a future, not to make promises she might not be able to keep.  
But she had needed a break from all her reason, her discipline, her self-made torture before reality would catch them both in a week from now.  
And judging from the kisses he had given her he had needed this break, too.

After a while he could hear her breath getting more and more regular and deeper while he was still lying awake, staring at the tiny curve emerging under her belly button.  
He had never asked for this and now it was there, evidently growing.  
And whether it was his or not he was in this, because it was in her and he was...He turned away and stared at the ceiling, not knowing how to finish this thought.  
This was too big, he had just started getting used to the idea of allowing himself to fall in love with her.  
With that thought on his mind and a scary feeling of horror crawling up inside him he got up and picked up his clothes to get dressed.

His responsibility for her and the unborn life inside of her ended here, had actually all the time only existed in his head and he was getting ready to let go of it again.  
There was still a fifty percent chance he would be out of this within a week, whether he wanted it or not.

He switched the light on the nightstand off as he left her bedroom, got his cane that was still leaning against the couch in the living room and walked through her hallway towards her door, closing it silently behind him, erecting the collar of his coat when he felt the crackling cold biting his skin.

He really needed to return to that safe cage of his for a while to look at the world without being able to be touched by it.


	18. See your eyes in mine

Thanks again for your reviews, it's really flattering to see how many people are reading and even actually enjoying my little story.

It's sad that it's over but well, it might just be a summer break...who knows :0)

Also, this is a complicated relationship involving two extremely complex characters and it was really pretty hard to write this chapter. Hope you like it, please let me know if you can comprehend their feelings in this one. Or if you can at least comprehend the complexity behind these feelings :0)

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_Three days after House woke up from the induced coma_

_The drugs that had been constantly flooding his body over the past four weeks were only slowly wearing off now so that he wasn't surprised to see everything through some kind of blurry greyish curtain.  
Only the pair of sky blue eyes staring at him anxiously reached him in its full sharpness. _

"_Where's Stacy ?" he asked her when he understood that it was Cuddy who was sitting at his side, who was holding his hand, who was the owner of these blue eyes. _

_Because Stacy had green eyes, he remembered and hoped the drugs hadn't caused severe damage to his brain. _

"_She's taking a break", Cuddy replied. "She's been with you almost twenty-four-seven, I had to send her home", she added and looked down at her hand that was still holding his. _

_He didn't even resist, maybe he even liked it, she thought.  
House felt the awkward tension mastering her, surrounding her like a heavy grey cloud. He felt the sweaty palm of her hand that was shakingly resisting to let go of his and he saw her eyes that kept trying to avoid his. _

"_You're not gonna walk around with that look of guilt on your face for the rest of your life, are you ?" he asked her. _

"_It really makes you look ugly", he added._

_Cuddy shook her head in defeat and was getting read to start the conversation she had successfully managed to avoid over the past three days ever since he had woken up.  
She had given him time to settle down, to deal with the realization that they had performed this surgery on him, without his knowledge, without his consent.  
Of course he had been incredibly mad, but for some reason more at Stacy than at Cuddy.  
Now that Stacy was gone she felt it was her only chance to do talk to him, knowing very well, that three days hadn't been enough for him to swallow that bitter pill. _

"_You'll have to forgive her", she finally started. _

"_Forgive her or forgive you ?" he asked hostiley._

"_I don't care if you forgive me", she replied coldly. "But you need to forgive her. She saved your life by making this decision you wouldn't agree with", she said and he closed his eyes. _

"_Yeah, I'm brimming over with gratitude. Life's a blast. The pain in my non-existent right thigh muscle has kept telling me to enjoy that every minute since I woke up", he growled back. _

"_They pain might wear off", Cuddy lied, knowing the therapy had not led to the expected success, but not yet willing to give up hope._

"_You're lying. And you know that", he shot back. _

_She averted her gaze and looked down. _

"_I'm sorry", she finally whispered, thereby apologizing for every single one of her mistakes at the same time, and let go off his hand._

_He looked at her, puzzled. _

"_I talked her into this", Cuddy tried to defend Stacy and went on. "I told her this was your best chance, it wasn't her fault." _

"_It was her fault that she did that without my knowledge, but knowing that I didn't want this", he replied and looked away, trembling with rage, trying to stay calm because increase of the blood flow meant increase of the pain which would again mean increase of his wrath._

"_I trusted her and she betrayed me", he added blankly._

"_She loves you", Cuddy asseverated. "That was her only motive for doing this, this wasn't some kind of weird conspiracy against you no matter whether you wanna see it like that or not", she added sincerely and squeezed his hand. _

"_Your hand is sweaty", he complained and she sighed and let go off his hand. _

"_Are you really gonna use this as an excuse for your misery for the rest of your life now ?" she shot at him and got up, looking down at him, feeling his pain and his desperation. _

_He looked so small, so weak and so vulnerable in this bed. His life had been in her hands over the past month.  
And even though he was alive now, she felt she had lost him somewhere.  
But in fact, he had been lost long before that, only now, all this misery was so clearly visible to everyone around him. And that hurt.  
It was tearing Stacy apart, it was going to destroy their love. But Cuddy didn't want that to happen, because Stacy was his only hope now. _

_She hesitated when she reached his door and turned around. _

"_You can't blame her for loving you. And particularly __**you**__ should be able to forgive her this only mistake", she told him and left him alone, hoping she had at least striked a single chord somewhere inside him. _

_When she got back to her office she picked up the phone to call Stacy. _

_But she put the receiver back down when she realized there was nothing she could do. _

_She had to leave them alone now, after they had been in this together for over four weeks. But now that he was going to recover this was none of her business anymore, it was nothing more than __**their**__ relationship and her responsibility for him ended right there. As his boss and as his doctor. Even as his friend ?  
She closed her eyes as she felt tears rising in them and swallowed them. _

_She had to let go._

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A week later in the Present

The envelope was lying on her desk among all the other envelopes.  
It was just as white and square as the other ones containing regular correspondance, invitations, greeting cards, newsletters, receipts, bills and notes she received every day.

But she stared at it as if it contained her death sentence.

Her heart seemed to skip every second beat and she felt the blood rushing to her head, making it feel like it was glowing.

Now she almost wished she had never taken that test because if House wasn't the father it would screw everything they had gained and learned over the past weeks.  
She was afraid that he would use this as an excuse to back out right when it was getting serious. Because he had already started backing out.  
And then she was also afraid that a positive test might make it more serious faster than they could handle it.

David had never called her again and she had never told him. And if he turned out to be the father she wouldn't tell him either.  
He was a frequent sperm donor, he obviously didn't care what happened to it. And what difference would it make anyway ? She didn't want him.

That was what scared her most.  
That she really wanted House to be the father.  
That she was going to ask too much of him.

She got up as she felt the nausea she hadn't felt for days fluttering around in her stomach. But when she felt her heart beating faster and faster inside her chest she realized that this wasn't her usual morning sickness and held on to the backrest of a chair, closing her eyes, trying to find her balance point in the center of her body.  
She was running away from this again and that still wasn't her style.  
So she turned around, moved back to her desk and finally grabbed the envelope boldly to open it.

While her index finger was sliding under the paper to rip it open she focussed on the tree outside, tried to imagine the cold air that was dancing around its branches, tried to feel the humidity of the fog that misted the view out of her window. It helped her to stay calm.

Her hands quickly unfolded the paper as she closed her eyes for one last time, feeling the beat of her heart almost getting unbearable, wishing it would stop for only a few seconds.

Then she opened her eyes again and saw it.

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House had not even left his office for five minutes this day and kept chasing his three fellows away whenever they returned from their new patient.  
But he was running out of tests and excuses to be alone in his office, so he decided he would go to her office if she didn't show up within the next hour.

This morning he had arrived shortly before her and had broken into her office where he had seen the envelope lying on her desk. So he knew it was there.

He hadn't opened the envelope because he wanted to hear the answer from her.  
He wanted to see her lips form the words, wanted to hear the tone in her voice, whether it was sad, or disappointed, relieved.  
He wanted to see it in her eyes.

His mind was going through the twenty differential diagnoses he had for this patient as he applied glue to a construction of leftover candy canes he had purchased at an Asian deli the day before.

Right now he was hoping for the Kearns-Sayre-Syndrome. Actually he wasn't hoping for it because that was the most lethal differential diagnosis he had at the moment. But it was also the only disease he head never seen in reality up to now and he would just like to see it.

This happened all the time, he always got torn between his scientific interest in these cases and his interest in the well-being of his patients. But he had never understood why other doctors had such deep feelings for strangers they wouldn't even offer a seat on the Subway under normal circumstances. That didn't mean he was a cynicist, because it also hurt him when a patient died. And it didn't only hurt him because it meant that he had lost the game against nature. It also hurt him because death was the cruelest enemies of all that didn't care about justice or emotions, death was cynical, made no exceptions and he himself would have to face it, too, one day.

He just hoped he would die of something more interesting than a simple myocardial infarction.

When the glue had dried he lifted his construction high up into the air and looked at it.  
But it was still not balanced and he put it down annoyedly when his door opened.

He looked up.

And his heart stood still.

It was as if the few steps she needed to take to reach his desk were taking an eternity and he used every single second of it to study the expression on her face.  
But it told him nothing.  
It was blank. And she was pale.  
Apparently this had really unsettled her and he didn't know whether that was a good sign or not.  
His gaze glid down on her and he felt his lips twitching when he realized she was for the first time wearing a wider top that was trying to cover up the subtle but visible little baby bulge.

When she had reached his desk she dropped the folded piece of paper onto it wordlessly and remained still, throwing a freaked-out look at the candy cane construction on his desk.

He picked the lab report up and read it.

It was as if the world was falling apart into millions of pieces and his mind needed a moment to get on the ground to pick them up and mend them back together.  
He looked up at her and they exchanged disoriented stares.  
Somehow now everything seemed to be upside down.

Her fingers were resting on his desk with her fingertips turning white under the pressure which told him that she was hardly managing to hold up.  
She couldn't even say the words, he established disappointedly.  
But he did see it in her eyes: determination with a touch of hysteria to it.

He put the paper back on the desk and leant back in his chair, feeling how a painful thrill slowly wiped out the panic he had initially felt.  
He shivered invisibly when he realized that he felt warmth glowing inside him.

"So, you wanna marry me now, or what ?" he finally spat at her coolly, raising his eyebrows annoyingly, and she flinched, almost believing his words for a second before she understood it wasn't his words that were doing the talking here but the expression on his face.

She opened her mouth, her face contorting with perplexity and anger at the same time. But the words she had initially wanted to say didn't come out. Instead she swallowed them and bit her tongue. Why did she always have to be the grown-up even at times when she needed guidance and reassurance ? Why couldn't he for one single moment, especially a crucial moment like this one, just be a guy with big shoulders, a firm hug and a few comforting words on his lips ?

"You're a jerk", she stated angrily and turned around to leave the room, pushing the glass door open forcefully.

"Can you lend me 300 Dollars ? I lost a few bets", he shouted after her.

And she ignored him, quickly marching down the hallway, relieved that she had delivered the news, horrified that this was only the beginning.

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House was now finally freed from his prison he had turned his office into and left it.  
His brain needed glucosis before he could think about this.  
And he needed to share this with someone who would do the caring for him because caring would distract him too much from understanding why this didn't freak him out.  
Why he was so calm.

Halfway down the cafeteria though, he realized that the calmness had only been a sign of shock, the quiet before the storm. But now the clouds were clearly visible on the horizon.  
He popped two Vicodins as he felt his fears crawling down into his thigh where they started twitching and twinging and torturing him. What tortured him even more than the pain and what couldn't be treated with Hydroxycodone was the helplessness. He was lost. He had failed already. He had been an awkward jerk cracking a joke in this most fundamental moment.

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Back in her office Cuddy felt how the tension of the last weeks collapsed and buried her under it, she was trembling inside and could hardly manage to hold back the tears that were blurring her vision.  
Above all feelings she felt lost in this situation.  
She picked up the phone.  
It was finally time to share this secret with another woman.

The only woman who would be able to understand her.

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Even though House could hear voices from inside Wilson's office he didn't hesitate to stumble in, interrupting what seemed to be a very idiosyncratic conversation.  
Wilson gave him a furious look and excused himself to the young woman on his couch because he knew there was no way he could throw House out since he had obviously come to seek his company. So he gave him what he wanted and led House outside.

"I was telling her that she was dying", he complained trying to keep his voice low and House pushed him into the men's restrooms and locked the door behind them.

"Are you gonna rape me now ?" Wilson asked with a bemused look on his face.  
"Cause that's about the only thing that would explain why you're so stormy. That and-", he suddenly stopped in the middle of his sentence when he remembered that Cuddy was expecting the results of the paternity test this week. His gossip radar initially boot up.

But House was not in a joking mood.  
He took a bite from the donut he had held in his mouth all the time and patrolled the restroom to check if every toilet was empty.  
When he was sure they were alone he continued pacing around, finishing his donut in silence.

Wilson watched him and frowned.

"You know I really think my patient needs me so can we please jump right to the point here ?" he pushed House nervously and was just about to make a start to make it easier for him when it burst out of him.

"I told you this lawyer's tadpoles weren't any good, they already failed the last time!" he blustered and Wilson ran his hand through his hair in desperation.

This would definetely take more time than he actually had but he knew that among the few moments House really needed a friend in his life this was one of them.

"You know -", he started and stopped again realizing he was actually useless in this situation.  
"I really can't deal with this as long as I have to fear that my patient might jump from my balcony this very moment. Can we please talk about this later ?" he asked and took House's silence for a 'Yes', leaving him alone in the restroom where he now rested his head against the cold metal of the towel holder and closed his eyes.

Fifteen minutes later he returned and found House still standing where he had left him, still leaning his head against the towel holder.

"Are you okay ?" he asked him and House turned around.

"Yah, I'm perfect", he announced in fake cheery tone.  
"I mean I knocked up The Godmother. Can't even imagine the bonus I'll get for that", he added sarcastically, ranting in some kind of hysterical hilarity.  
"Wouldn't it be totally cool if they named the new Pediatrics floor after me ?", he continued mockingly and Wilson interrupted him.

"Is this a breakdown or anything ?" he asked now obviously getting worried.

He looked around and then back at House who was staring at the wall emptily, holding on to his cane that was lying over his shoulder now.

"Could we go back into my office ? Cause I think there's actually people who really need to use these restrooms for their original purpose", Wilson finally pleaded him and House followed him wearily, like a lost dog.

In Wilson's office House let himself fall onto the couch and rested his head against the handle of his cane.  
Wilson watched him helplessly and understood that his silence might be the only advice House needed.  
So he sat down across from him and leaned back waiting for House to make the first move whenever he needed it.

And eventually House looked up at him.

"I'm an idiot", he stated tiredly and Wilson tried to suppress a nod.

"I was finally getting used to her", he added and Wilson shrugged his shoulders.

"You still have more than six months to get used to the rest of the package", he tried to comfort him.

House looked at him angrily. He was already used to the package. And that was was bugged him most because it didn't fit in the picture he had of himself.

"I never wanted a package", he complained. "And even if I did then it usually included a BMW and a redhead in a bikini."

He looked down again and let his cane swing back and forth between his hands.

"How am I gonna do this ?" he then started again, feeling unguarded and small. "My father was one giant cynical disappointment. But he's all I know about fatherhood. That and whatever the take home message of 'American Dad' is", he finally admitted. "All this happily-ever-after-crap isn't me", he added.

Wilson's brown eyes glowed when he noticed the sincerity in House's voice. He hardly ever showed that side of him, but if he showed it, he showed it to Wilson.  
Which was why Wilson had never given up on their friendship, because he knew it meant something.

But besides House's fear he could also see that he cared.  
And fear was natural.  
He would probably freak out a lot more if Cuddy were pregnant with his child. Only the thought of it made Wilson feel uncomfortable.  
However, that was not what he saw in his friend's eyes.

"But it has worked pretty well over the past five weeks, don't you think?" Wilson finally asked.  
"So, maybe you should give it a try", he shrugged his shoulders. "Doesn't have to mean you'll betray yourself if you allow yourself some happiness and it certainly doesn't necessarily lead to a happy ending, not with the two squabblers of you in the picture", he argued and knew he had a point.

House had seemed calmer throughout the whole first two months of this new year, just as much as Cuddy had seemed completely distracted.  
And it had been unbearable to be in a room with the two of them together. Which was why Wilson had instantly sensed that there was something serious going on between them.  
House had seemed to have a focus and even his misery had somehow looked comfortable and soothing as if it was carrying a core of something else inside.

And that was exactly what House had felt, too.  
And he was wondering whether this core was contentment, as close to happiness as he could ever get.

Suddenly he stood up and walked past Wilson to leave his office.

"What are you doing?" Wilson also stood up alarmedly and turned around towards him, ready to talk him out of any dumb moves his friend might be heading for.

"Need to pee", he frankly stated and left.

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When he returned to his office he found Cameron standing in front of his desk, holding up his candy cane construction.

"What. Is. This?" she asked him turning around towards him. "Is this a mobile ?" she added in disbelief and he shook his head.

"No. It's candy canes glued together", he dryly stated.

Cameron let the mobile sink back down onto the desk and approached him.

"You're happy about that. And you should allow yourself to be happy", she said and House rolled his eyes.

"Why don't you go and marry Wilson, the two of you have so much in common", he snarled at her and walked past his desk to sit down.

"Stacy called", Cameron said as if it were nothing and he looked up irritatedly.

"What ?"

"A minute ago, you should call her back, she sounded serious", Cameron pushed him and gazed at him meaningfully.

House returned the look in annoyance.

"You're gonna stand there for the rest of the day?" he snapped at her and she shook her head still not averting her gaze.

"This is one of the few chances life gives people. You should take it", she whispered and turned around, leaving his office.

He watched her and rolled his eyes in disbelief over her never tiring idealism until they got drawn to the phone.  
Stacy couldn't have chosen a worse time for her call and that's why he wouldn't call her back. He would never call her back.  
They hadn't talked to each other ever since he sent her away. So why did she need to talk _now_ ?

He took the candy cane mobile and tossed it into the garbage bin. He had never been able to balance mobiles. Which is why they kept challenging him.

The phone rang and he glared at it.

He let it rang five more times, fighting against his own inner self when he realized that there was no way he could win this fight since both competitors were equally strong and equally willing to win.  
So he finally gave in and reached out for the phone.

"Dr.Cane's therapeutic center for the sexually deprived", he answered it and heard the silence at the other end.

"Greg, it's me, Stacy", she finally solved the tension.

"What do you want?" he barked at her and she sighed.

"Lisa called me", she replied softly and he closed his eyes and leant back in his chair.

"Perfect", he complained. "I'm surrounded by a crowd of annoying gossip mongers. What is it ? You also wanna talk me into this ? Wanna tell me to embrace life ? Take my chances ? Be happy ?" he snapped.

"Actually I was going to tell you to forget about it and elope with me instead", she snapped back sarcastically.

They took a break and held their tongues for a moment to calm down.

"I don't need any advice on this", he finally growled.

"You don't _want_ any advice but you certainly need it", she answered coolly and he remained silent. It was a guilty silence.

"Don't screw this Greg", she said eventually and the tone in her voice reminded him of why he had loved her so much.

"I did screw it with you, didn't I?", he said sheepishly and heard her smile benignly.

"I'm fine", she replied. "And you'll be fine, too", she told him and he nodded.

"It's tragic, I tried so hard to avoid that", he joked gruffily.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eight hours later 

He was like a phantom and she had been looking for him all over the hospital, not on purpose, but wherever she had gone that day she had kept looking for him. It had thrown _her_ completely off balance so she could only imagine what it might have done to his world and she felt like she had to be there for him, just like someone had been there for her, even if it hadn't been House, but Stacy. So she had tried to find him all day. But he hadn't been in his office, neither had she found him on the roof, nor at Wilson's office, nor elsewhere.

She certainly hadn't expected to find him standing in front of the glass window of the neonatal ward. That was why she passed him first without recognizing him.  
But there certainly weren't two tall unshaved men with canes running around in her hospital, so she stopped when he saw his figure in the corner of her left eye and turned around, surprised, furrowing her brows as she approached him.

He remained still, either because he hadn't noticed her yet or because he was hoping for her to reconsider her approach.

Her fingers softly brushed down his arm and left a trace of goosebumps on it.

He took a peek at her from the side.

"You're starting to show", he mumbled as if it were an accusation.

"Only because you keep staring at it", she replied but felt a strange feeling of pride rising inside her.

She had seen it, too, this morning. Which was why she had chosen to wear a wider top, thanking the Fashion God for bringing loose-fitting tops back in style right in time for her pregnancy.

He looked at her from the side again and turned back to look through the window.

"It's a hump", he finally stated grouchily and she closed her eyes in defeat and turned towards the window, too.

For a moment they both only stood there next to each other, staring at the light blue and pink little bundles in the little beds.

"They're cute", he suddenly said and she threw a bewildered look at him.

Maybe there _was_ another tall unshaved man with a cane running around in her hospital and she had just met him for the first time.

"The funbags", he sneered and rolled his eyes at her, mocking her for honestly believing that he had referred to the babies.  
"They're already c-cups", he added and nodded towards her cleavage.

But he couldn't fool her. She knew he had meant the newborns because they really were amazing. They were so small, so vulnerable and so dependant. And in a little more than six months from now she would also have a small human being like that depending on her completely, asking everything from her.  
She smiled and let herself fall into the anticipation of what was lying ahead, hardly being able to comprehend it in its full dimension.

Finally he looked at her again and saw the smile on her face, the perfect masquerade of her frangibility that he could still sense, though, because he knew her. And because he felt the same.

"This is for real", he said and averted his gaze uncomfortably.

She nodded calmly and turned towards him trying to look into his eyes.

"Yes."

When he finally returned her look for a second she saw what he was trying to hide.  
He was nervous.  
But it wasn't nervousness what made his eyes glow.  
His eyes smiled.

Why was he hiding _that_ from her ?

He turned around to rest his back against the glass window and finally looked at her inquiringly.  
There were still so many unanswered questions that rose now that the other big question, that had overshadowed everything else over the past weeks, was solved.

"You wanted to ask me for a donation last year but you never did", he asked. "Why ?"

Cuddy opened her mouth but hesitated.  
Her lips were trying to form the right words and she was trying to understand what he wanted to hear, not knowing what to say because he already knew the answer anyway.  
Still he had asked and he deserved to know the truth.  
Because this was the only time for frankness, it wouldn't work if it were built on lies and promises that wouldn't be kept.

"Someone is responsible for your pain", she therefore started carefully and looked at him firmly.  
"And I don't want you to be responsible for my child's pain. I don't want you to screw her up", she said honestly and he winced.

It was going to be a girl.

That was what reached him first.

And then the meaning of her other words dawned on him.  
She was sharing his fear knowing that it had been his father who had caused most of that pain living inside him, and it scared him even more that they shared this fear because it meant that they both might be right.  
Was she pushing him out for good now because of that ? Without giving him a chance ?  
He snorted.

"Oh, gimme a break", he replied, not willing to buy that she was serious about this, but feeling very insecure at the same time. And angry.  
"Don't act like you were going to be Super-Mom. You'll hardly see her anyway. You think your bossiness and permanent absence won't screw her ?"

She swallowed. There it was again. The constant pain that managed him and had started reflecting inside her, too, long ago.

And now they both added the hurting.

But in a few months or years it wouldn't be her who would get hurt anymore. Permanent pain numbed you or made you bitter. She would stop bothering about this, had already stopped.  
But her child wouldn't.  
She knew he wouldn't change. She would always have to be the one fixing what he would destroy in this family.  
His initial reaction to the test result had told her that and Stacy had told her that: He would never be the one to kiss any booboos.  
He was hurting too much himself to really relieve any pain.  
He wasn't the shoulder she would ever feel comfortable leaning on because he just didn't make the world seem better or happier, he didn't comfort people by telling them what they needed to hear.  
Interestingly he managed to comfort her most of the time because he wasn't trying to pretend anything, because he was honest. But sometimes even she needed lies, sometimes she needed the lie that the world was okay. She would need it if she wanted to make her child happy.

How should the two of them parent a child with this big load of emotional issues going on between them ?

She would never be able to let go in this relationship, because she was just as afraid of closeness as he was.  
And because you couldn't let go if you were afraid of losing ground. She needed a relationship where she would _gain_ ground.

There would be a point when her love for her child would grow stronger than her love for him and she knew she would fail, because it would take too much from her to make up for his mistakes and hers at the same time.  
She would shut him out at some point, she would hurt him. And he would hurt her back.  
And she didn't want that.  
She really _was _asking too much of him.  
He had never wanted this because he knew himself.  
And that was why she had never asked him: Because it wasn't meant to be.

"I'm not my Dad", he finally added in his softest and most vulnerable tone as if trying to convince himself and she looked down, pondering, but finding no answer to how it was going to work.

They had tried it, even _he _had tried, but it didn't seem to be enough.

"I want you out of this", she finally said, her voice almost breaking and he was visibly taken aback.

His pupils dilated and the expression on his face was blank, as if she had erased everything that had happened between them over the past weeks.

"You can't do this", he answered back, almost smiling desperately and watched her face turning into stone.

"I can", she whispered determinedly and let her gaze glide down on him sadly as if saying goodbye to a dream she had never really believed in coming true.

His eyes followed her as she turned around and walked away, looking tired and defeated.

Interestingly he wasn't hurt. He wasn't even surprised. Because he didn't believe it.  
He had seen his own confidence in her eyes.  
She wanted him.  
She was only turning him down because she was afraid he might screw this.

He rested his head against the glass window and closed his eyes.

It was obvious that he was going to screw it, over and over again.  
But his role in this would be minor, she would be way too much of a mother bear.  
So _she_ had to be the one freaking out and she had projected her fear on him.  
_She_ was afraid _she_ would screw this just as much.  
Which was the true reason why she was pushing him away.

She was _already_ protecting her family.

He smiled.

It was going to be a girl.

He turned around to look at the babies again and focussed on the ones dressed in bright pink only.  
Cuddy in all her strength could be incredibly weak when it came to emotions.  
Which was why she was just as bad with relationships as he was.  
It was ironic, but in all their oppositeness they were so much alike.  
She hated closeness, the only times she let go and really showed who she was, was when they fought. Or when they slept with each other.  
Which was why they were doing pefectly fine on these two levels.

Those were the moments when the window to her inner self opened for only very short fragile moments, when he could catch a glimpse of the soft heat inside her that nurtured her lovely charm she kept hiding very successfully most of the time.  
She hid it because she loved playing hard to get, she loved being independent and invulnerable.  
And he knew that because it was just like looking at his own reflection in the mirror.

He wondered what _she_ had seen in _his_ eyes in those moments, wondered if she had seen what he himself couldn't access and if that was the reason why she was so scared.  
But if he really carried all this misery inside him then why did he feel so serene and content ?  
He averted his gaze from the babies and turned away to walk down the floor towards the elevators.

This wasn't over.

He wasn't going to make it that easy for her, now it was his turn to play.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Let's get wonkered and laid", he announced dramatically when he burst into Wilson's office again five minutes later and Wilson shook his head.

"No", he simply replied and House sat down on the chair in front of his desk.

"Okay", he gave in way too peacefully. "How about some Tacos then ?" he coyly asked.


	19. Hit the Ground and run

cries Along with the finale I am going to end this here, too. As I said before I am not planning a sequel in the near future since I'll be quite busy and will start residency in October etc. I might find time for single shots, though :0)

However, I really appreciated your reviews, you guys made this a thousand times for fun ! Thank you so much !

So, take a deep breath for the last chapter...

* * *

_Three__ months after House's leg infarction_

_Cuddy stood in front of his apartment door and tarried indecisively.  
__She had been doing that for almost five minutes now and found it was getting ridiculous.  
__So she finally decided to bite the bullet and knocked on his door.  
__To her surprise he opened. But slammed the door the moment he saw it was her. _

_She sighed. She had expected that. _

_Wilson had told her that Stacy had left House and she was now coming here with all she could offer him to give him something to focus on.  
__She pondered as she turned around and leaned against his door, nervously patting her foot on the ground.  
__It was a silent jingling sound that caught her attention and she looked down at her foot.  
__She frowned and crouched.  
And then she smiled. There was a spare key lying under his doormat.  
That was a very dumb hiding place for a spare key, but then again hers wasn't more creative either. _

_She let the key slide into the lock and opened it with a clicking sound. _

_When she saw the mess in his living room she understood why Wilson had sounded so worried. _

_There were leftovers from numerous delivered meals, empty bottles and cans lying around everywhere and newspapers and magazines were flooding the ground. A pair of sweatpants was wrapped around the armrest of a chair and there was a baseball innocently lying in the corner of his couch. But a broken lamp across the room told her that this baseball probably wasn't as innocent as it looked like.  
__She blew out a deep-drawn sigh, closed the door behind her noisily and started cleaning up his living room.  
It was her way of winning time and it worked until she suddenly saw a dark shadow leaning against the doorframe in the corner of her eye. _

_She winced and dropped an empty pizza box. _

"_What are you doing?" House hissed dangerously and she turned around towards him. _

"_I'm not sleeping with you. Guilt is a turn-off", he replied coldly and she glared at him._

"_That's not what I'm here for", she said dumbly immediately being punished for it. _

"_Yeah, I figured", he snapped and limped away with his crutches.  
"Bugger off!" he snarled at her over his shoulder and she followed him down the hall to his bedroom until he stopped her by turning around. _

"_You might wanna listen to me first before you chase me away", she said, looking up to him, realizing how much taller he was. _

"_I don't care. Because whatever you do your motive is guilt. And you should be guilty. Cause you wrecked me", he bawled her out. _

"_Don't be pathetic", she shot back getting angry at his self-righteousness.  
Over the past weeks everyone had been extremely considerate of his situation, including her. But it was time that life turned back to normal. They had to move on.  
"You're not wrecked, you're just a miserable asshole who now has an excuse for his behavior", she hissed. "You're wrecking yourself."_

_He came closer and stared at her wildly. She flinched but without taking any steps back, knowing very well that while she would have no chance against him he wasn't the kind of person who would use physical violence against her. That would have been way too platitudinous and crude for him.  
So she stared back vigorously and stayed where she was even though he didn't smell very good. _

_"Your crappy doctors messed with my health, they would have killed me if I hadn't given them a hint to my diagnosis and you felt so guilty over this that you plotted Stacy into allowing you to cripple my leg. You failed. You screwed this and you know that. And now you're coming here for an absolution. But you're not getting it."_

_He was in her face as she raised her voice an snapped back at him._

_"This is nobody's fault. This is only human error. On both sides, cause you know your role in this misdiagnosis very well. I'm sorry that it happened to you, but I'm certainly not begging for your absolution. What Stacy did was right. And what I did was right. The only one who's wrong here is you." _

_She had managed to get calmer over this and decided to take her chance before things were getting out of control again. _

_"I came here to give you your job back. Because that's the only thing you're really good at and you should do it", she wearily said and looked at him, he returned the look still boiling with rage. _

_"Go", he simply replied and the tone in his voice made it clear that he meant it. _

_She nodded and turned around, closing her eyes desperately as she walked away, ignoring the mess in his living room, ignoring the mess he was. _

_But it only took three days until he caved in. _

_"I need new fellows", was his way of telling her that when he walked in to her office, still looking miserable, unshaved, boozy and hurt.  
The crutches he was still using weren't helping this impression. _

_She felt a load being taken off her mind and suppressed a smile. _

_"Fellowships are over, so you'll need new ones anyway", she said. _

_"And I want a new office, need more space now with the bum leg", he added and she shrugged her shoulders. _

_"Sure", she said indifferently._

_"Parking space in front of the main entrance?" he pushed it even further and she gave him a dark look in response. _

_He frowned. "Are you going to give me everything I want from now on ?" he asked and she shook her head. _

_"No. You still have to do clinic duty", she stated and he instantly turned around. _

_"I'm out", he said curtly and opened her office door again. _

_She stood up. "You came here. You want this job. Don't be a jerk", she tried to hold him back with a sharp tone in her voice and he looked at her. _

_She looked worn-out, her dress was too loose around her waist and the dark circles under her eyes told him that the past weeks hadn't passed without leaving a trace in her life or in her heart. But she would never admit that, not even to herself. _

_"Why do you want me back ?" he asked still convinced that guilt was her motive. _

_And her female need to put everything in order, to make the world a happier place, to rescue every puppy from the streets. _

_"You're the best diagnostician I've ever met. There's no one else I'd want to hire to run the Diagnostics department. And I know you love your job. I need you. And you need this. It's just a deal", she explained determinedly and coldly and he finally nodded. _

_"I also want tenure", he replied after a pause. _

_"I'll see what I can do", she gave in and he pointed his finger at her._

_"Oh, you're so guilty, this is gonna be fun !" he cheered victoriously and limped out of her office feeling his new friend, the constant physical pain in his leg covering the pain of his wrecked soul. _

_The pain would always remind him that he was still there, there would never be a feeling of nothingness, or emptiness, or peace. There would always be this stabbing.  
The life running through his veins would from now on hurt him with every beat of his heart. But it hardly made a difference. It had always been like that. Only now the pain was tangible which made it treatable. _

_Her pain, though, the guilt she was feeling no matter whether it was justified or not, would always lurk in a corner of her conscience ready to come out whenever he needed it.  
And that was perfect, it would make her softer and also...more treatable. _

_He knew he was right because she was already softer, she had put down her weapons to save him, knowing this job was the only thing that would give him a focus. _

_When he left the hospital through the main entrance he closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the cold sweet spring air.  
Then he walked to his car and tossed the crutches into the trunk for the last time.  
And instead of the crutches he pulled a shiny metal cane out of the trunk again and got into his car, smiling.  
Those crutches made him look worse than he was. But they had definetely served their purpose to manipulate Cuddy. _

_Cuddy was at the same time standing at her window, staring at the tree stretching out its branches that were carrying the first blossoms of spring.  
Her eyes followed the lining of the brick wall across from her window and she shook her head. _

_She knew he was right about her guilt. _

_But sometimes you had to surrender to win something. And she had won his life back. _

_He would never acknowledge that, but she knew it and that was enough. _

_

* * *

_

A day later in the present

House was resting his chin on his elbow on the nurse's desk and was somberly watching Cuddy who kept promenading around the hall as if he didn't exist.  
He had done this the whole morning and Cuddy had so far played along perfectly by ignoring him, letting him feel that she really meant what she had said the evening before.

Eventually she did look up from her files though and their eyes met. Her lips twitched and her eyebrows followed and she looked back down on her file and vanished in an exam room.

She was feeling guilty, House established satisfied. Which meant that this wasn't over.

Three minutes later she came out of the exam room again and her eyes intuitively searched for him who was still leaning against the desk and lifted his brows at her victoriously when their eyes met again. The fact that she didn't walk over to him to tell him to do his clinic duty but grabbed another file instead and vanished behind the next exam room door confused the nurses just as much as it pleased him.

"Is she really pregnant again?" one of the nurses asked him conspiratorially and he looked at her innocently.

"I don't know", he shrugged his shoulders and widened his eyes.  
"She does look a little bloated, though, doesn't she ?" he added chattily and the nurse frowned and turned away disappointedly so that he could continue staring at the door behind which Cuddy was with a patient now.

The darkness in his stare told everyone who took the time to study his face that he was brooding over something that was severly bugging him.  
Or that he was trying to open the exam room door via telekinesis.

After a while he straightened up. He needed a break, at least to pee.  
But that he could annoy her that much with his simple presence made it almost too easy for him. She would give in before he would be able to come up with a cunning plan.  
That wouldn't be any fun.  
So maybe he should give her a break, too, so that he could brood over this in his office and that he could order that giant playpen.  
He had already measured the space in her office and was looking forward to feeding the hospital gossip by turning her office into a day nursery.  
He smirked.  
Maybe a breast milk pump on her shelf, next to the coffee machine might look nice, too. After all he still had to get back at her for the tofu delivery.  
With that thought on his mind he left his position at the desk and walked towards the elevators.

At the same time Cuddy was listening to her patient's complaints on the other side of the door as she suddenly felt a strange fluttering inside her. First she thought it was just her stomach telling her she needed lunch. But then she realized that there was a pattern behind the fluttering. She placed her hand on her stomach, and looked down, feeling nothing, but knowing what this was.  
It just went away as quickly as it had started so that it had no time to really reach her conscience.

"Are you still listening ?" the patient asked irritatedly when he saw that Cuddy had stopped taking notes and she looked up at him.

"Please, continue", she told him as if nothing had happened and tried to suppress a smile while listening to the patient's anxious complaints that had already told her after one sentence that he just had hemorrohoids but was convinced he had a parasite.

She finally stood up and gave him a prescription.

"You don't have a parasite inside your belly", she told him firmly.  
"I do, but _you_ only have hemorrhoids", she added and he gave her a weirded-out look, taking the prescription from her, listening to her instructions.

When she left the exam room she still felt thrilled and flattered by the first quickening of her baby. She felt like holding up a giant sign that would tell everyone what was going on.  
She immediately looked over to the nurse's station where she expected to see House who had spent the whole morning pouting, miserably observing her, refraining from lifting even a finger to help her with the clinic work, trying to annoy her.  
But he was gone and she sighed, disappointed.  
Because he would have noticed that something was different, because he was the only one who knew, and probably the only one who would care.  
She hesitated at this thought and then she wiped it away quickly. She had made up her mind, she had decided to walk this path on her own.  
And this was her hospital, she had a job to do here and she finally had cleared her mind of the thoughts that had distracted her all the time during the past weeks.  
She was now ready to focus on _her_ life again, without having to focus on someone else's life, too.

"Page House", she commanded the chatty nurse behind the desk.  
"There are still fifteen patients in the waiting area and he is going to see them", she added strictly and went into her office where she took her white coat off and proceeded to her desk where someone had already put the mail in the right order for her.

But when she sat down it happened again and this time her hand instantly reached out for her stomach where she could now feel the bubbly flutters softly pounding against the palm of her hand.

And at the same time it struck her and she gasped, confused, irritated and flattered.  
The realization that she would from now on never be alone in her life suddenly started flooding her mind, made her understand that this was something big.  
And that she had no right to shut him out of this.  
She closed her eyes in defeat, understanding that she was betraying herself.  
Hadn't she herself told _him_ that it was all about sharing moments like these ?  
Hadn't that been the reason why she had been so miserable during her first pregnancy ?  
What the hell had she been thinking ?  
She saw him every day, he would be in this anyway.

She got up and left her office again.

"Don't page him, I'll take care of it myself", she shot at the nurse.

"Too late, already did", the nurse replied quickly as Cuddy was already halfway out of the clinic again but she was sure she'd find him in his office anyway.

She knew House, he never responded when the clinic paged him.  
Not so this time, though.

The moment she got to the elevator and reached out for the button its door opened and he stared right at her, accompanied by Chase and Foreman.  
Her mind went blank.  
But this wasn't high school and he wasn't Danny the guy she had asked out on prom night in 10th grade.  
Still her mind was just as fuzzy as it had been back then.

Chase and Foreman threw meaningful looks at each other and got out of the elevator, walking past House and Cuddy while House stayed inside the elevator, not moving, not averting his gaze from Cuddy.  
It was almost as if the two of them were in a different dimension.  
But that was what it had been like ever since Christmas and there were pretty credible rumours as to why it was like that.

"Uhm, I guess we'll go ahead ?" Chase asked looking at Foreman and Cuddy turned around at them, nodding as if she wished she could just vaporize everything around her by simply looking at it.

She definetely seemed tense and the air around them seemed tense, too, loaded with electricity.  
Chase and Foreman were glad they could leave the danger zone.  
Cuddy's eyes followed them carefully and when they were out of reach she looked back at House, feeling her mind getting numbed again.

She felt guilty and defensive, not sure whether he had moved back into that cage of his where no one would reach him.  
But there was an unspoken invitation in his eyes that told her that the doors were still open, except for the back door.

"It. Moved", she finally spat out unnanouncedly and unexpectedly tongue-tied and House frowned until he understood what she was trying to tell him.

Then all of a sudden he reached out for her arm and dragged her inside the elevator where he quickly pushed the button to the fourth floor, so that the door of the elevator closed before anybody else could get inside.

"What are you doing ?" she asked him and looked at him astonishedly.

"I wanna see it", he simply replied and avoided her eyes that were skeptically peering at him.

Five minutes later they had found an empty sonogram room and sneaked into it making sure they locked it from the inside.

She lay down on the exam table, feeling awkward and amazed. Because she herself wanted to see what she could feel for the first time now.  
Up to now her pregnancy had just presented like a very bad case of gastroenteritis.  
But with the morning sickness fading and the first subtle changes in her wardrobe she had finally started enjoying the pregnancy.

She watched House as he switched on the screen of the machine and chose the right settings, without looking at her once, without allowing her any insight into his mind.

"Now show me the boobs", he told her as she had made herself comfortable on the exam table.

She gave him a condescending look, lifting her shirt while he was pulling her skirt down a little until the full curve of her little hump was exposed.  
She flinched when he poured the gel on her sadistically slowly, but she remained silent and let him play.  
His fingers wrapped around the scan head and he firmly pressed it on her stomach, turning the screen of the sonogram machine around so that they both could look at it.  
She smiled.  
Because in all his grumpiness he was still naturally caring and couldn't hide it, no matter how much he tried.  
And he was trying hard, looking at the screen professionally and seemingly unimpressed as if this were just a random scan of a random patient.

There it suddenly was, clearly visible.

Cuddy was surprised at how fast the baby girl was growing. She already had two arms and two legs and was softly bouncing up and down, awkwardly using her extremities, unmistakably alive and well. It was thrilling even though she had seen it a hundred times before on other people's sonograms.

Still, her eyes let go of the baby eventually and focussed on him who had turned silent all of a sudden and was now watching the baby moving inside her.  
He had to _feel_ it, too.  
He had lifted the scan head at the sight of the baby and was now carefully turning it in all directions until he froze at the sight of the girl's face.  
For the first time Cuddy could make out a nose and a tiny little chin and a mouth opening and closing from time to time.  
But she could hardly decide whether to watch the baby or the amazement she saw glistening in House's eyes and she suddenly felt that this was indeed everything she wanted.  
It was all there in this room. And it seemed so simple all of a sudden.

"That's one filthy parasite you have there", he finally regained his speech not managing to cover the amazement in his voice, though.  
"You're gonna need a whole load of Ebendazole", he finished and looked at her sincerely.  
"Are you feeling okay ?" he asked her honestly caring because he saw the first trimester tiredness still drawing circles under her eyes.

She smiled, recognizing his caring as another commitment.

"I'm fine as long as the baby's fine", she replied and he nodded and lifted the scan head from her belly.

But she stopped him by laying her hand on his which made him look at her.

"You like her ?" she asked him softly, nodding towards the screen of the sonogram machine and he lowered his gaze and stared at the belly where he had felt the first quickening of his own daughter under his hand.

This was something big, even for him. And it would always be there, between them. It wasn't up to her to decide whether he was in this or not. Fate had already decided.

"Of course I do", he replied after a pause, almost sounding hurt that she was questioning that and she bit her lip when she sensed the vulnerability in his voice.  
"She has your ass", he added evasively. "She's gonna be the hottest cheerleader in her high school's football team."

Cuddy let go of his hand and shook her head strictly.

"There's no way she'll ever become a cheerleader!" she contradicted and suddenly noticed an uncommon glossiness in his eyes.

"I hope you don't expect me to talk her out of that", he answered still not able to look her in the eyes and she shook her head, reconsidering her decision and her feelings about this strange new picture of a family the three of them were giving.

"I have no expectations of you. Just be you", she finally said softly and placed her hand on his leg as he started cleaning up the scan head with a paper towel.

He looked away awkwardly and handed her a few of the towels she wiped the gel on her stomach away with.  
The softness in her voice had touched him deep inside, making him feel light-headed and somehow vulnerable, feeling that she was taking wide steps further into his world, turning it more and more upside down with her love for him.

"So…", he said after a moment of almost contemplative silence.  
"I'm in?" he asked and looked at her with an idiotic expression on his face and she smirked but then her smile faded and her eyes focussed on him.

She had no idea how she was supposed to handle all the challenges of being his boss, loving him, having a family with him would confront her with.  
But then again, Wilson had been right: If there was anyone who could handle all of that it was probably her.  
And she had never liked worn-out patterns or mediocrity anyway. This was basically a guarantee for an eclectic lifestyle.

They both were individuals that took so much space that there was hardly any room left for the other one, but she was ready to let him in because she knew he would never come too close, he would always respect her need for independence.  
Because above all he got her, he respected her in between all those insults and sneers and he was there for her in his own special way. Yes, maybe he even loved her.

"Don't screw this", she replied sternly and pulled her shirt down and her skirt back up.

"I promise, I will", he countered and she sat up until their faces were close and their eyes met again.

They looked at each other. As always fighting, getting lost and finding themselves again in each other's eyes.

"This is us, then ?" she heard his grumpy harsh voice again and she nodded.

"Yes. This is us", she simply replied, feeling like she was drowning in his eyes.

He nodded, too, and looked down before he turned away and reached out for his cane to get up.  
Oddly enough he was ready for this because he wanted to give her whatever she would ask for, even if he couldn't give her that.  
But she had turned into an addiction that was just as possessive as Vicodin, constantly living on his mind, challenging him, pleasing him, touching him.  
She was doom and salvation at the same time.  
But most of all, she was willing to love him for all he was and despite all he was.

"I'm not gonna hold your hand during labor", he declared as he approached the door in order to unlock it before people outside would notice that there was something going on in that room.

She came after him though and stopped him, forcing him to turn around.

"I know", she replied and he looked down at her.

"And I'm not gonna wipe the poop of its ass or get up in the middle of the night to feed it."

"I know. And it's a her", she replied again, confident and stern.

"I'm not gonna drive her to her ballet classes", he mocked her now and she blinked calmly, nodding again.

"I know."

"I might beat up her boyfriends, though", he offered her and she smiled.

"I'm sure you will", she replied for the last time and took his hand to squeeze it.

He looked down at their hands, at their fingers intermingling and let his eyes wander over her face again sensing the memory of the taste of her skin all of a sudden.

"You're not your Dad", she repeated his own words meaningfully and hoped he would at the same time take this as an apology from her.

He nodded, understanding and accepting the apology.

"And all I need you to do is to love her", she assured him and made sure he understood that by giving him one of her piercing spine-chilling stares.

"I guess that shouldn't be too hard as long as she inherits my genius and your legs", he silently admitted, because if this girl was only about to be half as gorgeous as her mother he would have to love her.

She smiled and let go of his hand unwillingly, immediately haunted by the frantic urge to touch him again, touch the soft baby blue T-Shirt covering his chest and smell the fabric of his black jacket...  
Maybe his shoulder wasn't the worst one to lean on after all, she thought when she felt the rush of blood to her head as dirty thoughts started conquering her conscience.  
But he couldn't see that, he had already turned around for the door again.

"So, what do you think ?" he then started mocking in a much louder voice when he had unlocked and opened the door.

"Should we go for the Elvis and Priscilla Wedding Theme or the Sonny and Cher one ?" he fed the hospital gossip.

Her arm shot forward as she shut the door again quickly and he flinched and turned around in surprise.

"Shut up!" she hissed and placed a rough kiss on his lips to silence him, pushing him against the door until he placed his hands on her waist and turned her around, now gently pushing _her_ against the door in return. Kissing her back in return, loving her back in return.  
She laid her hands around his neck as she got on her tiptoes to sink into him and into the kiss.  
His hand moved down on her back, over her bottom and back up until it glid under her shirt as she reached out for his wrist and pulled it away again, forcing him to slow down, when she remembered where they were. And he let go, trying a different approach over her front, letting his fingertips brush her soft warm skin. Just before she stopped him again.  
She smiled into their kiss.

They were fighting again.  
That was their way of loving each other.

Before this kiss could turn into another one of their hazy dances of arousal they parted breathlessly.

"So, that's how you plan on making me do clinic duty from now on ?" he glared at her wildly.  
"Office sex for starters, then sex in the exam room, in the O.R., in the MRI, Pathology Lab, janitor's closet ? God, this hospital is one giant playground for unusual sexual encounters. Especially once your pregnancy hormones turn you into a horny nymphomaniac", he realized as she let her hands glide down his chest playfully and smiled.

"In your dreams", she replied charmingly and pulled back, straightening her shirt again.

Then she looked down on herself, flattened her skirt, ran her fingers through her hair until her heart rate had dropped back to the usual sixty beats per minute.

"Okay, let's go", she commanded when she had reestablished her professional, administrative shell.

She looked up at him again and saw him smiling, like a hungry panther behind the shiny bars of his cage.  
She smiled back and gave him an alluring glance that carried an unspoken promise before she turned around and opened the door, leaving the room with wobbly knees and followed by the looks of curious staff members.  
Her lips curled as she was trying to keep up her shell, finding it almost impossible with House's shoulder brushing her arm as he was walking next to her.

This was going to be impossible and challenging every step of the way, but it was going to be worth it.

_--- You can'**T** always get w**H**at you want --- But if you try som**E**tim**E**s you might fi**N**d you get what you nee**D** ---_


	20. Six seconds

So, here's the summary to those of you who haven't read the previous chapters: Cuddy is pregnant with House's child (the intimate details you would have to read...), last time we saw them she was in her 3rd month, they had decided to have this child and to try the whole relationship game. This story joins them again six months later when they are still a couple. Sort of. There will be six chapters, a few flashbacks again and this will be told in a slightly different way than the Hit the Ground Series. Enjoy and review :)

* * *

I. SIX SECONDS

* * *

Six months later:

It was warm. People looked messy. Everybody was covered in a thin salty layer of sweat, clothes were wrinkled, they all were moving and working in slow motion, like they were stuck in lava.

House approached the exit of the hospital. It was still sunny outside, though the smog caused a grey haze stealing the sun its warm golden shine and turning it into a dirty white colossus of unbearable heat. His hand reached out for the door, he pushed it open and stepped into the summer evening that smelled of traffic, sweat, concrete and patchouli. Then a light citrus like scent hit him like a breeze and he looked left, where he felt her shoulder brushing his arm. There was something strangely intimate and familiar about this. It was subtle, grown-up and of some weird secretive professionalism.

It had been like this for weeks.

They left work together. They drove home together, to his or her place. They had dinner together. But they never stayed the night at each other's place. Somehow this was the one back door they both needed to continue believing that despite the obvious changes nothing had really changed at the core. It was an unspoken rule. But obviously a need they shared. Their initial struggles long forgotten this was something they just did without questioning it, without expecting anything from it, without reading much into it.

They were them. No strings attached.

Cuddy sighed, breathing out the strain the pregnancy caused her at this stage. Squinting against the sun her blue eyes sparkled, filled with energy. The thin fabric of her pastel maternity shirt danced in the summerwind giving a delicate insight into her cleavage that – to House's pleasure – was fuller than ever before. Her hand wandered over her stomach where she apparently felt a kick that made her smile through the discomfort.

House watched her with his own share of discomfort. With the due date approaching she got calmer every day. There was a new natural strength about her that made her even more beautiful than before. But it made fighting with her really boring. His eyes followed her tender fingers that drew a circle on her belly following the movements of the baby and he noticed the almost sexual pleasure that made her glow and chuckle with every new kick she felt.  
House narrowed his eyes as he felt his stomach burning, the acids crawling up his esophagus, making him look away and watch the other people walking by, leaving the hospital, entering it in absolute indifference to that giant shift his world was going through.  
He startled as he felt her hand on his arm now, gently squeezing it, her eyes looking up to him with that look that always entered his mind like a force of nature he had no defense against.

"House! Are you alright?"

He stared at her, blankly.

"You were gone for like six seconds", she added in an almost reproachful tone.

"What?" he mumbled.

"Are you coming?"

Another blank stare at her. In all her blinding pastel beauty she stood there like a self-sufficient island of life and happiness. It suddenly made him sick.

"No", he then replied.

Simply and distantly.  
And then he left.  
But she let him.

Feeling her stare burning in his neck he walked faster and didn't turn around until he had to when he opened his car door. Their eyes met for another six seconds.  
There was no disappointment on her face, just open acceptance.  
Because there was something on HIS face she had recognized.

He had had a panic attack.

And this had happened before.

_Years before in Michigan:_

_Cuddy was playing with the paper bag containing her lunch and stared at her fingers. She was hiding on the roof of the hospital. Ever since House had shown her this place she came here whenever she needed an escape. Then she heard the scratching sounds of feet moving through the gravel covering the rooftop. She didn't turn around because she knew who it was._

_"That's my place", he complained in his usual rude tone._

_"No it's not", she shot back._

_With a quick rough movement he took the paper bag from her, rummaged around in it and then started eating her sandwich. In return she grabbed the bottle of ginger ale he was carrying around in his lab coat pocket and opened it. She hesitated when she lifted it to her lips and smelled that the bottle contained no ginger ale at all. She gave him an indignant look._

_"You drink whiskey at work?"_

_He shrugged his shoulders._

_"It's what gets me through the 36 hour shifts", he replied with a full mouth._

_Still looking at him reproachfully she lifted the bottle to her lips again and drank from it in desperate big gulps that burned in her throat.  
He swallowed his bite of her sandwich and watched her with worry on his face. He froze as he saw her emptying the bottle._

_"Seems like you needed that, too", he then stated seemingly unimpressed when she handed him the empty bottle._

_She remained silent and leaned forward against the railing, already feeling the alcohol making her dizzy, letting the world under them spin, slamming doors inside her brain shut, finally silencing those thoughts in her head._

_"I'm a bad person", she finally said with a self-loathing tone in her voice._

_"Yah. If only you were a little more like your Mother. Teresa", he answered sarcastically and took another bite from her sandwich before he handed it over to her again. "Here, eat that, to soak in the whiskey."_

_She ignored him._

_"I'm running an expensive test on that coma patient on 9A."_

_"So what? He's a lump of cells with tubes sticking in and out of him. He won't notice."_

_"But it's useless. He will die anyway. And the only reason why I'm running this test is because I know it'll bring the hospital some money, opposed to the last 135 days he's just been lying around in that bed."_

_"That just qualifies you for a leading position. Maybe not for dictatorship, but it's a start."_

_"The problem is that his family now thinks there's a reason for hope", she kept ignoring his sarcasm._

_"Well, they'll learn soon enough", he finally let go off the sarcasm when he realized this was really upsetting her._

_"Yah. Sure", her voice trailed off and he could hear her guilt. And her frustration._

_He turned his head and looked at her from the side. And then it hit him._

_For the first time since they'd met he saw the pain. That same pain that was ruling him displayed on her face hidden behind a stern expression of self-control, but breaking through her eyes in a glistening layer of tears she was used to hold back. His eyes lingered on her profile, comprehending the lines of her face that was framed by her silky curls dancing in the bloomy breeze. She was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen, and that was not just because she was a girl. In all her female sensual beauty she still had this energetic self-sufficiency around her that made it hard to approach her. And at the same time it made him want to physically consume her everytime he met her. Seeing that dark fragility on top of all that now shining through for the first time he finally understood the reason for this strange attraction.  
It wasn't her beauty. It was her brokenness that she carried inside her. An awkward and sweet insecurity covered up by a stubborn strength that made her one of the loneliest residents of the department.__He could not help but fall for this complexity.  
Because it made her a puzzle. It made her a human being. And because it reminded him of himself.  
Which meant that they would never have a chance to become lovers._

_Suddenly he felt a breathtaking sickness in his throat, burning in his chest, making him shiver inside._

_She frowned at the look on his face and blushed. He had turned pale as chalk and his eyes were staring at her lost in a strange shyness she had never thought him to be capable of._

_Still frowning she asked him: "What?"_

_He returned the look: "Nothing."_

_A wave of chills rushed through his blood and he swallowed the acids flaming up his throat._

_His voice sounded hoarse as he stood up._

_"See you", he mumbled and left without daring another look at her._

_With every step down from the roof he felt the feeling fade, slowly gaining intellectual access to the emotion he had just felt._

_He had had a panic attack._


	21. Six minutes

II. SIX MINUTES

* * *

Two weeks later

The phone rang. And House turned around in his sheets, put the pillow over his head and let it ring. Until he noticed the urge it was ringing with. So he picked up.

"They're eight minutes apart."

House froze. A mixture of insane calmness and panic rose inside him.

"House?" Her voice sounded annoyed and concerned at the same time when there was no answer coming from him.

"Where are you?" He suddenly was wide awake.

"I'm on my way to the hospital."

"What, you're driving yourself?" He instantly realized how stupid that question was.

"Right. I'm driving. While trying to live through the worst pain in my life. And while talking on the phone. - I've made it this far, I sure don't wanna kill that kid now that we've reached the finals. Though the pain it's been giving me would account for a motive."

House smirked. She sure was in pain, and she was raging.

Then the nervousness kicked in again.

"House, I need you to be there", she suddenly stated in a tone that made it clear that she wouldn't accept any excuses.

"Are you nuts? I am not going to watch this baby boeing crashland into your island of lust. It'll be a total mess", he whined fakingly, hoping the humor would serve as an inappropriate masquerade for his nervousness.

"Be. There." She hung up.

And he knew she meant it.

Ever since that moment two weeks ago she had left him alone. No questions asked, she had just accepted that he needed his space. Maybe because she had needed it, too. After they had spent six months in this relationship with a lot of fights, lots and lots of make-up sex and quite a few hysterical visits to the OB/Gyn in the middle of the night they had thought that they had made it, that they had finally managed to stay in this relationship, that was even somewhat healthy and mature.  
But there had been too much harmony. And House blamed her for it. Because she had lost interest in fights with him. She had been preoccupied with baby showers, decorating the room, finding good preschools and all the other things that had nothing to do with him but way too much to do with this child. He should have known that this kid was going to consume his life, it had already caused a great deal of trouble when it had just been a lump of cells.

So in a way he had been okay with this break from her. For a while he could pretend that all this was not concerning him at all, that this wasn't his child, not his life and not the love of his life either.

But somehow it then had turned into a distant silence between them and they had lost their connection. Up to a point when he doubted that they had ever been able to connect at all. When he had realized, that after all, they were two kamikaze pilots steering their planes into the shabby constructions they called a life. They were not meant to share these lives, neither were they meant to have a child, or to be happy.  
Nevertheless, she was having his child now. And she seemed revoltingly happy.  
Without him.  
Because she didn't need him. She had not even wanted him to be part of all this to begin with.

But she had called him now.

He jumped out of his bed and got ready to head for the hospital.

* * *

Hours later

The door flew open and he stood in its frame with a glint in his eye that somehow made him look intimidating.  
Cuddy lay in her bed, holding the baby in her arms, looking exhausted, her curls sticking to her wet skin, her eyes red, her face pale. The doctor was still stitching and cleaning up the mess between her legs and House raised a hand not to see what that baby had done to his favorite place. It would keep him from loving that child forever. That child that was now resting in its mother's arms.  
His eyes kept flicking back and forth between all the blood on the sheets and Cuddy holding his daughter in her arms.

It looked as contradicting and confusing as he felt about all this.  
And only slowly did it reach his mind that he had come too late.

On his way to the hospital he had seen that there was really nothing he could have done to help her go through the birth of their child, that this was simply not what they were. So he had spent hours driving around, hanging out at some shabby diner by the road, drinking too much and finally getting her some flowers that he then dumped at the hospital entrance.  
Flowers? Seriously? Who was he trying to fool about what they were? But what were they?

Cuddy's face lit up when she saw him.

"You're six minutes late", she whispered sweetly.

And his heart stopped when the picture reached his mind along with the softness in her voice.

A feeling he had been having for the past two weeks finally consolidated at the sight of the happy glow on her face. She was filled with so much joy that her feelings towards him had changed. Instead of constantly fighting him – the best foreplay in his opinion - there was so much acceptance now. She was pushing him out of this. Subconsciously, of course. But he was no longer playing a role in her life. Now that she had what she wanted, he and his misery were part of her past. And every smile in his direction translated into indifference towards him, towards all he was.

"Come here", she softly whispered through the empty room and he obeyed.

As he passed the doctor he bent down to him.  
"You better fix that down there or my baseball bat will episiotomize your brand new BMW."  
The doctor chuckled and left them alone to fetch more suture material and to give them some privacy.

When House came to a halt in front of her bed he looked down at the wrinkled little creature in her arms, that was just as exhausted as her mother. It was impossible that his was his daughter.  
He sat down on a chair next to the bed.

"She looks exactly like you", Cuddy whispered with a love-filled voice that made it even harder to understand that a part of this love was meant for him, since he was a part of this child.

"No she doesn't", House abruptly replied and Cuddy looked up, picking up on the painful resistance he heard in his voice.

Their eyes met and it felt like they were universes apart. He was drifting away into a cloud of darkness, looking at her glowing joy while she didn't understand what was happening to them.

Never before in her life had she felt so much intensity and love, and never before had she wanted him more to be part of this. And that he had come showed that somehow he wanted to be part of this, as well. No matter how distant he had seemed throughout the past weeks, no matter he hadn't made it earlier – she hadn't expected him to be there anyway - all that counted now, was that he was there. Why was it then that it felt like he wasn't there at all?

"What's her name?" he interrupted her pondering.

"Haven't made up my mind yet", she replied, glad that he had stopped her dangerous thought process.

Hesitatingly, she looked up at him. "I thought that you should name her."

It was an invitation. An invitation as intimate and personal as possible.

House looked down, overwhelmed and incapable to understand his feelings.

"No", he answered, not ready to see the disappointment in her eyes.

She panted silently and swallowed hard, looking down at her baby in ignorance of the pain he wasn't even afraid of causing in a moment like this.

He bit his tongue and hated himself for being who he was.  
He knew he had to go and stood up.

"Congratulations", he mumbled and turned away to leave the room.

"Same to you", she replied, making sure her words would sting as much as his had.

It made him stop for a moment, but he didn't turn around and left instead.

Her eyes followed him thoughtfully as the doctor returned to finish his job and she was surprised that there were no tears filling her eyes, no rage firing up inside her.  
Her own acceptance surprised her. She felt so calm. Maybe she was just exhausted. Maybe she was tired of fighting with him. Or maybe she had just finally accepted that this was what they were. This dysfunctional union of two destructive personalities that just didn't trust the concept of happiness in their lives. But she was happy now. And she was tired of fighting that, too.

A chortle drew her attention back to the newborn and she gently brushed the baby's cheek with her finger.

And then all of a sudden the reason for her calmness reached her.  
She was in panic.  
Which is why she had let him go. She knew how he was feeling deep inside, only he could run from this whereas she couldn't.  
This child would be with her forever.  
And so would he. She was holding him in her arms right now even though he was not there.

She leaned back and closed her eyes, feeling one little tear streaming down her face as the doctor finished his last stitch on the episiotomy.

They had all the time in the world to figure this out.

Especially this child with no name.


	22. Six hours

Okay guys, to understand the full context of the following chapters it would be helpful to know chapters 6 and 11 of this story.

* * *

III. SIX HOURS

_Almost 15 years earlier - the night of the __Ann Arbor Excellence Award Party_

_Still panting with their hearts fluttering nervously like the wings of birds in the sky they only slowly let go off each other. Her hand brushed over his warm back once more, feeling his heavy breaths slowing down. She was numbed, and after an explosion of light there were still sparks lighting up on her visual field turning his dark sleeping room into a starry universe.  
When his grip around her loosened she noticed how sticky they were and for a moment she blushed, realized that she had just committed a crime by "Cuddy standards". She had slept with an older colleague who was, worst of all, a gigantic egomaniac and asshole, who had probably had countless numbers of other girls in this bed before her. Worst of all: she had seduced him in his own shower. And then again on his bathroom floor. And then **he** had seduced **her** in his bed. __  
Clearly, it was this 36-hour-shift that had to be blamed. It was a fact that sleep deprivation impaired moral judgment.  
She bit her lower lip as she let herself fall back into his sheets and closed her eyes. She felt like a rebel which made her smile. Until only seconds later she felt his hand on her stomach, his fingers playfully circling her belly button. His breath blew warm kisses on her neck and his heat made her dizzy. She was so tired, worn-out, all she wanted now was to get some sleep._

_When he noticed that three times was all he could expect from her in her delirious state of exhaustion he let his hands slow down and gave her an unexpectedly sweet last kiss. With his hand still resting on her stomach he sank down next to her and closed his eyes.__  
Dawn had already begun to announce itself, the night sky had taken on a cool Lapis lazuli blue and Cuddy soon noticed that he had dozed off. And even though she could hardly think clearly the natural thought process had already set itself off like a clockwork.  
She wrapped his sheets around her body that was now covered with goosebumps and turned on her side so that she could watch him sleep._

_This had to be it. There wasn't going to be a second time – or fourth to be precise. She had allowed herself one slip, but it wouldn't happen again. Because it wasn't the guys who suffered, that was a lesson she had learned early and a rule her mother and her sister had told her thousands of times.  
She was not a victim. She was the culprit.  
But no matter how many times she kept telling this to herself, it somehow didn't feel right.  
This Greg House was of a different kind.  
And then again he wasn't._

_She placed her hand next to his and only lightly touched his little finger with hers. He was still so warm. And despite the smell of alcohol lingering in his breath he smelled good. Of shower gel, sex and somehow she sensed some kind of bitter sweetness in his smell._

_When she closed her eyes she promised to herself that she would never allow anyone to break her heart. Especially not him._

_Then she finally fell asleep for six short hours by his side._

15 years later in the Present, at House's place, three weeks after the birth of their baby

House was joining the "Eels" on his guitar and tried to numb his pain with their 'Novocaine for the Soul'.  
Suddenly, the front lights of a big car lit up his dark living room and forced him to look up from his guitar. The second he recognized the car he already heard her forceful knock against his door. He got up and opened, instantly being pushed back into his apartment by a furious woman storming in. She was holding their baby in a car seat, shooting fierce looks in his direction. After a short uncomfortable pause she placed the car seat with the baby on the ground and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Okay that's it. You deal with this now. She's your baby, too. And I need some sleep for heaven's sake."  
Through her fury House could also sense the desperation in her voice. But she wasn't finished yet.  
"This isn't how it was going to work. Me going through nine months of puking and feeling like a hippo most of the time, living through hours of labor and then through sleepless nights of changing diapers and breastfeeding. Do you have any idea how sore my nipples are?"

House smirked. He would have known the perfect response to that question, but he knew this was not the time for it. For an instant Cuddy blushed when she saw the look on his face. But then her anger kicked back in.

"And then there's you with your nerve-racking self-loathing. Sulking and brooding like you hadn't seen any of this coming", for a moment she ran out of words. Feeling how tired she was now that she had given vent to her anger she sighed. "House. I thought we were in this together." Now she almost sounded pleading, softer at least. Her eyes were looking for an answer, but all she got was silence and a blank stare.

Finally, he came closer.

"I'm sorry", he replied. Simply and bleakly.

This was his usual insufficiency and Cuddy knew it was all she would get at this moment. But that was not enough. Not any more. They were parents now. She shook her head and chuckled bitterly.

"I'll pick her up tomorrow morning. You'll find diapers and enough milk in the bottles. Make sure you refridgerate it, it's breastmilk. I also put in a different set of clothes, she's already wearing her pyjamas."

House nodded, not understanding a word, but knowing he had no chance against her anyway. She looked worn out.

Cuddy also nodded in reply and knelt down next to her sleeping baby to give her a kiss goodbye. She swallowed the tears she felt coming up facing this first separation from her newborn and got up again to leave. On her way to the door she avoided eye contact with House. In the end, though, she turned around.  
"Oh. And make sure you have a name for her. I need to send out her birth announcement cards."

That was it.

Like a hurricane she had come. Unannounced, loud and leaving everything in chaos.

And with these simple, distant words she left him alone. Him and the baby.

House tiptoed around the child and sank into his chair. He stared at his guitar, at his drink, at his TV. Nothing in here now seemed child friendly. So he reached out for a medical journal next to his chair and began reading it. As long as he could distract himself from this baby and everything this baby implied he was going to be okay.

This worked for about five minutes.

Which was when his attention was claimed by a chortling sound that was coming from the car seat. House let the journal sink down and glanced over at the baby that was suddenly wide awake. However, it was peacefully looking around with its dull eyes, its tiny body shaken by hiccups every other second. Unfortunately, one of the hiccups was so heavy on the baby that it regurgitated and ultimately started crying.

"Oh great", House cursed, got up and lifted the car seat onto the couch table. He opened the bag Cuddy had left, rummaged around in it until he found a box of wet wipes and cleaned the baby's face with them.  
Sitting down on his chair in front of her he then started analyzing the cries by observing the baby. Was she just upset because of the hiccups? Was she feeling sick? Or hungry? Or tired? Or irritated by the different surroundings? Was she missing her mother? What mother would dump her three-week-old baby at a place like this anyway, he instantly thought.  
But then again, this wasn't a random place. It was his place. And he was this child's father.

The crying grew louder.

He leaned over and smelled the baby to check if its diaper needed to be changed. But all he sensed was the downy and sour smell of a clean baby.

"Good. Now that we ruled that out, you're obviously just pissed at your Mom for putting you in this position. Which makes two of us", he stated and got up to get some earplugs from his bedroom.

However, the crying could not be blocked.

Finally, after ten dreadful minutes he picked the baby up and cradled her in his arms, not sure where to put the four uncontrollable limbs of the tiny creature. To his surprise this helped to calm her down a bit.

For another five minutes at least.

"Okay, how about some of that delicious product fresh from the sore-nippled dairy queen?" he proposed and reached out for the bag with the milk bottles. Then he realized he would have to warm the milk.

"I hereby pronounce you a gigantic pain in the ass", he announced while carefully placing the baby in its car seat to go to the kitchen.

However, the milk seemed to do the trick for it calmed the baby down and put her to sleep while she was still sucking on the rubber nipple of the bottle. Afraid to wake her up House decided to keep on holding her and leaned back in his chair. He switched on his music on very low volume and tried to relax to the soothing sound of Mark Everett's voice, until another hiccup woke the baby just when he was dozing off, too, and the crying started again. He laid her over his shoulder to let her burp and felt pretty pleased with himself when this stopped her crying again and she fell asleep for a few minutes.

But the peace never lasted longer than ten minutes. No matter what House tried after that, getting up and walking around with her, placing her back in her cradle and rocking it, feeding her, burping her, cradling her in his arms, massaging her tummy, changing her positions, none of it was successful.

After almost two hours he finally gave in to the constant mewling that now and then culminated in a ten minute phase of constant crying. He put her back in her car seat and popped two Vicodins to numb whatever was causing his pain at this moment. With a big gulp of Jack Daniel's he swallowed the pills and dropped in his chair. Turning the volume of the music a bit higher he could at least drown out the whimpering, the chortling, the whining.

He had no idea how Cuddy was doing this. Why she had even wanted this. What was it with women that they needed to take care of these tiny pooping imbeciles that caused nothing but trouble and pain?

He closed his eyes. Of course he knew the reason for all this. Besides the obvious reasons of the natural desire to procreate he also knew that Cuddy was simply better than him. Stronger, weaker, more loving, more human. And way sexier than he was. He had never understood why she had seduced him back in Michigan, in that one night at his place, in his shower. Until he had woken up in his bed all alone after that night. At first she had seemed to be one of those cut-throat women who were hungry for power struggles, who wanted to have it all. But then he had come to see her delicate fragility underneath all that and her impossible talent to mess up every personal relationship in constant fear of feeling too happy. He still had not figured out what childhood trauma had caused that habit but it must have been of similar nature as his own childhood trauma. The only problem was that this baby had somehow managed to break that spell. And there she was now, drifting away from him into the rainbow-colored land of happiness. He simply didn't see himself joining her there, he was too afraid of taking the gray with him, wiping out all the colors in happy land.

Right when he was falling asleep in the middle of these thoughts going through his mind he woke up to the crescendo of his baby's cries.

"Gosh, you sound like your mother, you know that?" he yelled at her and turned the volume of his music up again. "Let's see who can be louder", he challenged her.

The last tunes of "A lucky day in hell" just faded and merged into the beginning of "Love of the Loveless" when House noticed that the baby stopped crying. Instead she hesitated and looked around with her dark blue eyes wide open.

"Mh, but you have your father's taste in music", he stated and watched the baby listen to the full song without producing a single cry, not even a hiccup.

But the moment the song was over the baby got unsettled again. House pushed the repeat button and smiled when he saw that he had found a lullaby that would keep the baby quiet.  
After eight times the song then finally put the baby to sleep and House dared to switch it off to get some sleep himself. But it worked.

This time he got two hours.

Only House was a good student. He knew his routine now and fed and burped the baby without any problems. He even changed her diaper without any major difficulties.  
Switching on his music with a victorious glow in his face he placed the child in its car seat and waited for the magic to happen.  
Apparently the baby was a good student, too, though. Because this time nothing happened.

Nothing except for restless whining.

"Oh come on!" House cried tearing his hair tiredly.

He looked at the clock. It was only 3 am. Then his gaze fell onto something leaning against the shelf under the clock: his guitar.

Starting with the soft, silent tunes of the lullaby that wouldn't help anymore he tried out any "Eels" song sounding similar to that one. He even tried "I need some sleep" for the sake of completeness, as well as at least 10 other songs before he tried other bands.  
When the baby fell asleep to the Alabama 3 song "Ain't goin' to Goa" House understood that it was the repetitive beats that the child liked so much. In some way those were the ones putting his mind to rest best, too.  
After what seemed like hours he dared to put the guitar down, exhausted, with tickling fingers and a throbbing pain in his thigh and watched his child sleep in the twilight of approaching dawn.

He had to admit that she wasn't so bad after all.  
Cuddy had put her in pinkish pyjamas with a little grey elephant on it that was holding a daisy with its trunk. Under that picture it read "fragile".  
Something in his heart twisted at this sight, making him feel shaky and warm.  
House sighed and smirked at his own fragility that this lame over the top cuteness could touch him so much. He narrowed his eyes when he sensed a faint resemblance with Cuddy in the child's facial features.  
Closing his eyes he let his hand run over his face and tried to sleep.

When suddenly a name came to his mind. His daughter's name.

With that on his mind he fell asleep.

The next time he woke up it wasn't the baby's fault but a constant knocking against his door, not as forceful as earlier that night, but definitely produced by the same person.  
House glanced at the clock. It was 5.30 am.

He opened the door and Cuddy saw a man who seemed to have aged at least a decade in the eight hours she had been gone.

For the first time in weeks she had found some sleep. Six full hours of undisturbed, sweet sleep. It had taken her a while to find that sleep, though. It had been too silent, too empty in her house. And the nagging fear of being a bad mother had kept her awake for almost an hour, had made her wander through her house. She had picked up the phone three times to call him to pick up her baby in an instant. But in the end she had surrendered to her exhaustion and had fallen asleep on her sofa. When her 4 am breast feeding appointment with her baby didn't wake her, though, she woke up from the silence, anxious to make sure her baby was in good hands. Deep inside she knew that already, however, with House no one could ever be sure. Numerous scenarios had then started to go through her head, so that in the end she had decided to drive to House's place to pick her up earlier than she had initially planned to. Whatever lesson she had wanted to teach him, he probably had learned it already. Also, from a well rested mind's point of view this looked pretty childish. And it was. All of this was immature, so was House. And her behavior was just a desperate attempt to get any kind of reaction from him. At some point he would have to get involved. She knew he wanted to, unless the past nine months had just been one big masterpiece of deception. He had to overcome his fear, and so did she.

She held up a cup of coffee.

"Thought you might need this", she softly greeted him and walked into his living room. Scanning it with one look she saw that House had moved the car seat to the table and that he had fed the baby several times, because the milk bottles were almost empty. He had also finished his own bottle of Jack Daniel's. But apart from that everything looked peaceful, especially her baby.

"So, did you have any trouble with her?" Cuddy asked innocently.

House eyed her from head to toe. She looked great, for a woman who had just given birth three weeks ago, anyway. Actually she looked even better. Maybe it was the tender morning light, but she had this beautiful glow around her that almost made her hover over the ground. Since she didn't find the time for it any more her hair showed her natural silky curls that made her look much more lively and the coldness in her blue eyes was gone, too. Though that was only the case when she looked at the baby. Or at him.

He shrugged his shoulders. "No. It was a breeze." With these words he limped over to the car seat, lifted it up and wanted to hand it over to Cuddy.

Cuddy didn't move, so that after a pause House had to let the baby down.  
They stared at each other, trying to exchange all the words that wouldn't find their way out of their hearts. It hurt.  
Pictures went through their heads. Of nine months that lay behind them and now seemed like a dream they once shared but awoke from a long time ago. To a reality that seemed too harsh to ever be mistaken for a dream. What had happened to them in the past 5 weeks? Why had they allowed this child to freak them out so much that it would tear them apart?

House lowered his gaze, held his breath to form words, any words that would come to his mind to break the silence. But then he hesitated when he heard Cuddy holding her breath as well. When she remained silent, too, they both continued avoiding each others gaze by looking at the baby.  
Which was just another reminder of what they should have been talking about.

"House –", Cuddy started this time but stopped when their eyes met.

He interrupted her before she could continue, the somewhat flirtatious insecurity in her voice made him crazy. "I think we should name her Sophie."

Cuddy raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Sophie?"

House nodded and resisted the urge to lower his gaze again. Cuddy understood and held his gaze.

"Okay", she almost whispered and a faint smile flashed over her lips.

She awkwardly leaned forward to lift the baby in the car seat and House helped her. Their fingers touched and she noticed how warm his skin was.  
Nervously, Cuddy turned away and headed for the door when his voice made her stop. For a fraction of a second she thought she had heard him call her by her first name, merely whispering it, but then she was sure she had just imagined it.  
She turned around.

"Honestly, the past three weeks you really didn't call her by any name?" House asked her out of the blue. "Not even a secret one?"

Cuddy shook her head. "No."

"Well, then what did you say to her? 'Newborn'? 'Kiddo'? 'Papaya smoothie'? 'Doom of my bloom'? 'Fruit of my loins'? 'Invertebrate'?"

"Okay!" she stopped him, but his silliness relieved her. "When I was alone with her I sometimes called her Ava."

House shrugged his shoulders. "Good. Sophie Ava it is then."

Cuddy froze at this gesture. And then she acknowledged it, barely believing that they were in fact behaving like adults.

"Sophie Ava it is", she agreed on their peace treaty.

"Cool. Perfect name for a spoiled brat."

Without rewarding this with a reply she left him alone in his apartment that suddenly seemed so silent. He should have gone to bed, but he couldn't sleep.  
Instead he picked up his guitar and played another lullaby for his child.  
When half an hour later his phone rang he didn't pick up. Instead he listened to the message while he kept on playing Sophie's song.

"House? Pick up. I know you're there." She paused. When he didn't react she continued. "I just wanted to thank you…" Her voice trailed off, she paused and hung up when words failed her.

It was a simple message.

Just as simple as his gesture to finally pick a name.

For them it was a huge step, though.

But they were still universes apart.


	23. Six days

IV. SIX DAYS

_**15 years ago in Michigan**_

_Cuddy impatiently turned around in her bed. Her head felt heavy as a __cannonball and her eyes were burning from the fever. She hated being ill, because it forced her to take a break when all she wanted was going even faster. She picked up a medical textbook, but the words would disintegrate into meaningless clouds of characters in front of her eyes. The TV was too bright, the music was too loud, the food would make her sick. So she decided to take another Tylenol in hope of chasing that headache away.  
When her phone rang she was somewhere between thankful for a distraction and mad at the noise._

"_What?" she therefore cried into the receiver._

"_Reserved a spot in the cafeteria for you today", a painfully familiar voice sounded in her ear.  
_

"_Got the flu", she replied curtly, not knowing whether to be happy about his call or bothered by it._

"_I figured. Always thought only death could keep you from coming to work."_

"_I'm feeling pretty close to it at the moment."_

"_Mh. So you're not coming tomorrow either?"_

"_Nope." Hearing the sound of her own muffled hoarse voice she almost had to smile._

"_Good."_

_With these words he hung up and left her alone again. Alone and somehow feeling sicker than before. She closed her eyes until sleep saved her._

_* * *  
_

_S__he woke up the next morning when someone rang her door. After a minute of feeling completely disoriented she got up and walked to her door on wobbly knees. A delivery guy held out a package for her and a receipt she had to sign. Having crawled back into her bed a minute later she stared at the package in front of her.  
Packages were a rarity in her family, usually when she needed something her parents just sent her a cheque. And Christmas presents had never been of the big-sized kind in her family either. They had been tiny, compact but usually of great value.  
Therefore she was somewhat excited when she ripped the package open. She smiled when the insides revealed themselves to her as some kind of a "flu survival kit".  
It consisted of peppermint-scented tissues, a thermometer, a wobbly pink hot-water bag, nasal spray, a strange looking smelly Chinese herbal tea - and a book by Albert Camus._

That moment the phone rang. 

"_You find existentialism the right kind of thing to deal with when you're sick?" Cuddy asked knowing there could only be one person calling her._

"_Me? No. Why?" House asked in a faked innocent tone._

"_Found something on my doorstep today", Cuddy played along._

"_Dogpoop wrapped in burning newspaper?"_

"_Yah, something like that", she noticed that she was flirting with him. But she didn't care, she felt high from the fever. And she had to admit that his present had flattered her. _

"_Mh, kids these days…so tell me about this existentialism."_

"_Well, there's this guy. Camus? Seems like a miserable asshole."  
_

"_Yah, but I heard he was good in bed."_

"_Mh. He's pretty hot", she replied not knowing why she kept on flirting with him. But to her relief she heard his pager going off at the other end of the line. _

"_Gotta go. And by the way: You sound like an elephant under water."_

_She hung up suppressing a smile and noticed that she was dizzy.  
But again she blamed the fever._

_* * *  
_

_When she received another package the next morning containing a different novel by Camus and a bottle of French red wine she was the one to give him a call this time. _

"_I don't drink alcohol when I'm alone", she started the conversation._

"_Is that an invitation?"_

"_No, it's an admittedly screwed up way of thanking you for it", she replied and rolled her eyes at herself. _

"_You're welcome. So how do you like 'The Plague' so far?"  
_

"_Not as delightful as 'The Stranger', but I'm sure Camus won't disappoint me this time either", she answered, thankful that he wasn't engaging in any kind of banter or competition but simply communicated with her.  
_

"_Wait until you read 'A Happy Death'."_

_They both smiled at the ends of their lines and indulged in the new lightness they were suddenly feeling around each other. _

_* * *  
_

_The fourth morning of their new kind of relationship didn't start with a package and Cuddy noted the void in her stomach, telling her how much she had been looking forward to it.  
Sulking and restless, she went to her sofa where she was spending most of the time now that she was starting to feel better. She picked up her Camus novel.  
A minute later though she tossed it into a corner and decided to try her medical textbooks. It worked. Until she fell asleep and woke up again when her phone rang._

"_Checked your doorstep recently?" his voice asked and she could hear the beeping of the ventilating machines in the background. __ Apparently he was calling her from the ICU which made her edgy, because she wanted to go back to work.  
Still holding the phone to her ear she got up and found a paper bag with a large foam cup in front of her door. She opened the cup and noticed that she could actually smell what was inside._

"_Chicken soup?"__ she asked in surprise._

"_Too cheap?" _

"_No, actually that's exactly what I needed tonight."_

"_Good. And you should really pay your phone bills." He sounded distracted. _

"_What?"_

"_And answer your Mom's letters." _

_Suddenly, it dawned on Cuddy that there hadn't been any letters in her mailbox for the past three days, not even bills._

"_Are you going through my mail…wait…have you had my mail stolen?" she asked him, anticipating the answer which already crept her out. _

"_Delivery guy said that it __was basically covering the floor."_

"_That's a serious violation of my privacy. Plus it's creepy", she hissed at him. That's what she got for feeling comfortable with him, she told herself and listened to the sound of paper being unfolded at the other end of the line.  
_

"_Wow, your Mom's a real piece of work, isn't she?" he finally said and Cuddy could hear that he was grinning.  
_

"_Well…yeah, she can be…", she answered, irritated and embarrassed.  
_

"_Never made you chicken soup?"_

"_House. Stop going through my mail. Please. I mean it."_

"_Okay. Sleep tight." _

_He hung up and stuffed the mail back in the pocket of his lab coat, a mischievous smile on his face. She was sounding a lot better already. _

_* * *  
_

_Cuddy wasn't sure whether she should still enjoy his 'presents' when she woke up the next morning and found more of them in her mail. For that reason she didn't call him but waited for his call._

"_So. What's up with Mademoiselle Molière tonight?" she heard his voice asking, no ventilating machines in the background this time, but the sound of people chatting, cutlery clanging against plates.  
_

"_I am not malingering. I'm really sick. Though I'm feeling a lot better already. Thanks to your…treatment." _

"_You checked your mailbox today?" he went on to the next topic, almost interrupting her like he always did when he was getting bored with a particular topic in a conversation.  
_

"_Yah. Thanks for returning my mail. And for stealing all the 'Get Well' cards from the patients. Really romantic move."_

"_I thought so", he said, sounding somewhat distant.  
_

_There was an uncomfortable pause during which Cuddy was trying to find the right words to address her mixed feelings of being weirded out and flattered by his behavior at the same time.  
But where was this supposed to lead to?_

"_House, what are you doing?"_

"_Don't know. What does it look like?"_

"_Like a sick way of showing me you like me?"_

"_Does it work?"_

"_Well, it is pretty immature. And odd", she found herself struggling to find the right words.  
_

"_Sounds like it's turning you on."_

"_No! But it sure was entertaining", she replied a little too quickly.  
_

"_Good. That was the intention."_

_She heard__ the chuckle of a female voice._

"_House, are you having company?"_

"_Gotta go."_

_Cuddy shook her head and rolled her eyes. Had she overreacted and misinterpreted the situation? __  
Whatever it was, her defenses had been weakend and it had to stop. But that was easier said than done with someone like Gregory House._

_* * *  
_

_On her sixth day of sickness there was no call, no letter, no delivery, nothing. To some extent Cuddy was relieved and felt good enough to fully focus on her textbooks. She had already notified her attending that she would return the next day and had signed up for a presentation at the end of the week. She had to make up for the six days she had missed.  
Then, in the middle of her studies, her phone rang.  
First she didn't answer, but when it kept ringing for an annoyingly long time she had no choice._

"_I think you're a slacker", he accused her and Cuddy noticed the lack of background noise this time._

"_Why?"_

"_You don't look one bit sick." _

"_I'm not. Anymore. Wait, how do you know what I look like?" She looked up from her book in alarm.  
_

"_Nice legs."_

_Cu__ddy got up and looked out of her window._

"_Where are you?" __she asked when she couldn't spot him anywhere. _

_That moment she heard someone at her door._

"_Knock knock", he said at the other end and Cuddy once more noted his exceptional talent for stalking._

_She opened the door. "What are you doing here?" _

"_You're not contagious any more, so I thought I'd bring some friends over to study."_

_He held up a sixpack of beer._

_She turned around to walk to her sofa, and his eyes followed her, his mouth forming a "Wow" at the sight of her shorts and at how much they revealed._

"_Told you I didn't drink", she said lustlessly, not knowing what to do with him. After a second, as though she had found a way out of this__ she stopped turned again and looked at him._  
"_I also study alone. Especially since after six days off I'm way behind my schedule."__  
_

_Her eyes pierced him coldly and he frowned._

"_What's it with the ice-castle Snow White?" he challenged her and she crossed her arms in front of her chest, feeling like fair game in her tank top and short pants._

"_What do you want?" she doubled the sharpness in her voice, trying to make up for her inviting outward appearance.  
_

"_Asks the lady in the hotpants who isn't even wearing a bra under her shirt", he retorted.  
_

"_I hadn't planned on having any company tonight. Plus I switched the A/C off, 'cause that's what gave me this damn flu in midsummer."_

"_And yet you shaved your legs", he replied, notably observant as he was._

"_House, this isn't going to work. You know that. This is an important phase in my career, and it's hard enough already. I don't need you messing around with my life."_

_He nodded, not seeming one bit impressed or disappointed. __Then he turned around and headed for the door._

"_I liked you better when you were sick. Made you less of a stick-up-your-arse-bitch", he said when he was already halfway out.  
_

_She heard him whistling on his way down the staircase and wondered what was going on between them.  
But then her gaze fell upon her clock and reminded her of her schedule. So she returned to her books and decided not to waste another thought on House.  
_

_House smiled to himself when he left her apartment building. She had been fun to play with and he had tested her truly impressive defenses. For a few moments he had sensed a few soft spots, proving that in the end, she was also just a woman who wanted to be noticed and taken care of in some way. A woman that was less a mystery than an annoying pain - aside from her delicate looks.  
To learn that had made it all worth it._

_His mission concerning Lisa Cuddy was accomplished. _

_He left her alone, for that night and for most of t__he rest of the time they both were at the Ann Arbor Medical Center. _


	24. Six months

V. SIX MONTHS

Six weeks later in the present

It was Monday morning and House was sitting in her office, though he wasn't sure why he had come here in the first place. Cuddy was busy being bossy and their conversation had been meaningless. Like most of their conversations in the past weeks, because they kept avoiding the one thing they should be talking about.  
The fact that they hadn't slept with each other for more than two months now.  
The fact that their relationship had pretty much stopped existing the day he had left her alone in front of the hospital.  
The fact that they were both cowards. Even though his cowardice had admittedly set this all off.

That was why when Cuddy's secretary came in House was thankful. Without looking up, Cuddy gave her secretary the most pressing instructions and put her signature under at least five papers she didn't even bother to read.

"Please make sure you cancel my 9 am with Rosenfeld. And would you call my nanny to have Sophie ready for the doctor's appointment at 10? Tell her to dress her in that yellow onesie. Also please call the 'Little Piggies Playgroup' that I can't make it to that interview at 1. It collides with the appointment with that Pharm rep. And have the conference room ready for the lecture at 2. We have a visiting lecturer and I don't wanna scare him off with a malfunctioning beamer."  
Then she finally looked up and smiled. "Thank you. You're truly my savior", she dismissed the overwhelmed looking secretary and noticed that House was still sitting there looking at her.

"Impressive", he verbally applauded her. "Any plans on usurping the rest of the country? I hear there's a president the whole nation is really pissed at. Rumor has it people are even ready to vote for a black guy."

"Please remind me never to invite you to our monthly conference of the Equal Opportunities Commission."

"Speaking of which, there's a bunch of fellows I have to slave-drive", he ultimately found the escape route out of their encounter and left her office.

Cuddy watched him thoughtfully. This had become their routine: talking and not talking. Seeing each other and not seeing each other.  
She knew something had scared him away but she found herself still struggling with the other new routine in her life that she didn't have the nerve to deal with his own struggle. She was tired of always being the one to make things work in this relationship.  
If that was even the correct term for what they were having at this point.  
It would have been nice to have him around, just like he had stuck around throughout her pregnancy, when he had been unexpectedly caring.  
She missed that. And to get it back she knew she would have to make the first step. Which she wasn't willing to do. Anymore.

She got up and went to his office, knowing she only had ten minutes before her first appointment that morning. It was bad timing, but the luxury of planning her day according to her preferences was not hers anymore.  
When she saw that Chase was still with House she hesitated, but with time pressing she opened the door and positioned herself in the middle of House's room looking at him. After a lame attempt to ignore her he returned the look and Chase knew House was done with him.

Cuddy felt shaky inside as the words were coming out of her. She knew they were the wrong words, but they also were the only ones she found.

"I thought I could do this but I can't. This child, this job, dealing with you here **and** outside the hospital. It's too much."

House's eyes turned on a gray glint. It looked like they were back in the game. Even if that meant that he was out of the game. At least that was the impression he got from her opening line.

"I never asked you to", he replied, unsure of how he had wanted his response to sound like. Angry? Calm? He felt nothing, except for emptiness.

"Shut up", she heard herself hissing sharply. His indifference frustrated her.

He looked at her somberly. "That makes it simple for you doesn't it?"

"What?" she asked, confused and dizzy from her rage.

"Your self-righteousness."

"That's all you have to say about this?" she stared at him in disbelief.

He nodded as he walked towards her, but only to pass her.

"I guess – yah. Got a patient dying on the ward."

She turned around and watched him approach the door on his way out.

"Well, then. That's it?" There was an audible sadness in her voice. She was clearly regretting her choice to confront him that aggressively.  
But she was also too proud to take any of it back. There was no way back anyway.  
And there was nothing to break, they had already passed the breaking point a hundred of silent moments ago.

"Whatever you say. After all you do have the final say in this, don't you", he finished their conversation in a serious tone that lacked any cynicism, anger or sadness. It simply sounded empty.

He left her alone in his office, enjoying the pain they were causing.  
He had always known that they were not cut out for this.  
She was obsessed with having control over her life whereas he always tried to lose control.  
And they had been in denial of that for the past months.

She had let him into her life when he had found a soft spot, and contradictory to what they already knew about their chemistry with each other, they had tried to turn this into a grown-up relationship.  
It hadn't worked out. That was a fact that was now in the open to his relief.  
Because out there in the open it would at some point stop hurting.

* * *

They both hadn't thought of the upcoming monthly morbidity and mortality conference though, that was due on Tuesday morning.  
It was a rare occasion that they discussed House's cases in it, however, this time, a patient had died, which made a discussion mandatory. It was protocol. Even though every death was always immediately dealt with in an unofficial meeting between the doctors involved in the case. However, it was a fact that the M&M conference was a concept every hospital held on to, for the same reason why doctors wore lab coats: because it had always been like this.

It was 8 am and the doctors of the Internal Medicine department had gathered in the lecture hall. After having helped themselves to some coffee and sandwiches they silently fought for a seat as far back in the darkness of the room as possible. Nobody liked the M&M conference, since it was usually only a lesson in guilt-shifting and finger-pointing rather than a medical teaching lesson.

House was leaning against the door in the back of the hall while he listened to Foreman presenting the case. Cuddy was sitting up front as she was a member of the committee leading the conference.  
When Foreman had finished all eyes lay on her and she opened the discussion.

"Dr. Foreman, thank you for this thorough work-up on the patient. I think this case pretty clearly shows us once more how essential it is to take a proper history", Cuddy finished his presentation, not willing to focus on this unfortunate case longer than necessary.

"Oh please", a voice was suddenly heard through the lecture hall and all heads turned around to House who was now coming closer, to have eye contact with Cuddy.  
She shot an acid stare in his direction but he ignored it and went on, now standing right in front of the committee.  
"This has nothing to do with this patient's history. This has something to do with you not allowing us a procedure that would have diagnosed and treated that patient who was at this point already in renal failure."

Cuddy gave him a stern look and replied. "Which was exactly the reason to first find out what was wrong with that patient instead of having him undergo a procedure that carried a risk that at that point outweighed a more than uncertain benefit."

"That's bullshit and you know that", House retorted and heard a murmur going through the audience. "I knew what was wrong with him, I didn't need that CT to prove it."

"You knew that based on a hunch", she shot back, trying to remain calm. But her eyes revealed her rage.

Another member of the committee piped up. "Excuse me, Dr. Cuddy, would you care to fill in the rest of the audience on the details we're obviously missing here."

Cuddy was grateful for the break and turned around to explain. "Dr. House had come to me to personally request the procedure – a brain biopsy - to be taken, knowing that this was not the usual procedure at that time. However, knowing that the patient was already in shock I felt it more sensible to first get a CT scan, since at that point there were three other differentials that had to be ruled out, which clearly, a brain biopsy could not have done."

"Only that Dr. Cuddy had ignored the fact that for a CT one usually needs contrast dye", House added.

"Which the patient was severely allergic to as pointed out", the other committee member finished comprehending the case.

"Which I didn't know at that point", Cuddy instantly answered. "And neither did Dr. House"  
With that she turned back to him and gave him a warning look.

But House was enjoying this too much. He ignored her look and turned to the rest of the committee.  
"Forgive her. She's a little overwhelmed. Newborn baby and all. Apparently impairs her ability to think straight in this matter."

"I beg your pardon ?" Cuddy reminded him of her presence in the room.

"Admit that you weren't listening to me because you were watching your baby on your webcam", he tested her.

Cuddy stood up and tried hard to keep her voice down. "I was listening to you. The problem is that **you **weren't listening to your patient. And it would have been **your **job to fill me in on all the patient's details including the high risk a CT scan would imply in that case. And stop making this personal."

"But it is personal. Because a patient is dead", House found himself playing the morality card.

A deafening silence filled the lecture hall as everyone was awaiting Cuddy's response.

But she remained unimpressed. "Oh, now that's just heart breaking. Stop being such a hypocrite. We all know that you're just mad that you didn't get your regular intellectual fix from solving a case. People make mistakes House. And you have made one. So have I for not seeing the patient myself. The reason why we discuss this here is to learn from this mistake, so it won't happen again."  
During her last sentence she had managed to lower her voice again, hoping for this discussion to end.

House was obviously angry and Cuddy knew this had nothing to do with the case, since they had already discussed this case. Without any guilt-shifting and finger-pointing.

Still, House went on. "It will happen again. As long as doctors can't keep their minds focussed on the medicine because they're too busy taking care of personal things."

She chuckled bitterly."Oh now, that's just great. To hear that from you."

They stared at each other, enraged and verbally armed to their teeth.  
Nobody else in this room dared to even blink their eyes. The tension was so thick people were finding it hard to breathe.

When Cuddy realized that there were actually other people in the room she broke eye contact with House and cleared her throat. This was clearly not the right time or place for this fight.

"Okay. I guess we all learned one thing today. That doctors are humans who make mistakes. I think a break would do everyone good before we proceed to the next case", she resolved the situation.

After having exchanged a few words with the other committee members she got up and left the conference, passing House without looking at him. But stiffening as her elbow accidentally brushed his sleeve.  
House looked down and followed her in a safe distance to then head in the opposite direction.  
He knew this had been out of line, even for him. But he felt a lot better now.

* * *

24 hours later Cuddy was leaning against the balustrade on the first floor, watching him enter the hospital hallway below.  
He had officially crashlanded this wreck of a relationship and at this point she couldn't see their way out of this.  
Especially since she had caused this mess in the end. By breaking up with him in a most untimely, insensitive and unplanned way.  
This was certainly calling for a new definition of wrong.

When he looked up and their eyes met she quickly turned away and headed for the elevator hoping he would stop by the cafeteria like he usually did.  
Unfortunately, he had taken the elevator, hoping she would take the stairs to avoid running into him on his way up.  
So they ended up using the same elevator that was packed with people and they had no chance than standing close to each other.  
It didn't keep them from trying to avoid any kind of contact, though, both of them breathing through the painful closeness of a body both loathed and longed for at the same time.

When they reached his floor most people had already left, so that they had moved apart and Cuddy felt it safe to seek eye contact again.

"House", she whispered, when he left the elevator. It was barely audible and she didn't even know why she had said it.

He turned in her direction. "You should really take the stairs", he grunted without looking at her. "Would help you get rid of those baby pounds."

Cuddy swallowed and crossed her arms as the door closed between them and she proceeded to the next floor where she had to get off.  
Feeling the stare of two pairs of eyes in her back she was glad she could leave.  
This whole hospital had turned into a stage for her own personal soap opera ever since that conference the day before.

Throughout the day she was running out of detours to take to avoid any contact with him, so that after another unpleasant encounter of staring and awkward silence in front of Wilson's office, she retreated back to her office.

There it dawned on her that there was no way out. There would be no end. She was stuck with House. Because he was everywhere. The footprints of his presence in her life went all the way back to her times in medical school, and they were everywhere around this hospital. Unless she fired him she had no chance other than to cope with his existence, no matter how much it hurt.

In her desperation she picked up the phone and dialed a number she hadn't dialed in almost a year.

A calm, female voice answered.

"Stacy? I'm sorry, I hope I'm not interrupting you?" Cuddy started and it took Stacy a moment to recognize who was calling.

"Lisa! No, it's great to hear from you. I'm sorry I haven't replied to your birth announcement. I have just been so busy. I guess it's a little late for congratulations now, isn't it?"

"Nevermind, I know you have quite a caseload."

The two women paused for a moment, unsure of the nature of this call.

"So how's everybody doing?" Stacy broke the silence.

"Great. The baby is fine", Cuddy replied curtly to make sure this conversation wouldn't lead to an hour of diaper dialogues.

"And the other baby?" Somehow Stacy knew this was the question that needed to be asked.

Cuddy chuckled. "Well, the big one is still a piece of work."

"I told you, if anybody can do this, it's you."

"I fear you're mistaken there, Stacy…"

"Why what's it?"

"I don't know…", Cuddy's voice trailed off. "When you two were together, how long did it take until it got…easier?"

Stacy paused. "I guess I know what you mean. And I remember. It took him exactly six months."

Cuddy frowned in disbelief. "You remember it that well?"

"It was pretty obvious. One day he was a closed book to me and the other day he suddenly behaved like a normal guy. Well, almost."

"Really? I find that hard to believe", Cuddy mumbled as she waved her secretary in who had been waiting outside with a bunch of mail in her hands.  
"So, what set it off?" she asked casually while browsing through the paperwork.

"You, Lisa. It was you." Stacy said after a pause.

Cuddy put the paperwork down and suddenly gave Stacy her full attention again. "What? But how? We weren't even seeing each other back then."

"You remember that conference in Seattle?"

Cuddy swallowed. "Sure I do."

"After he had met you there he was a totally different person. It was like you had found a hidden switch that had been flicked. I don't know what happened between the two of you, but from that day on he suddenly behaved like the godfather of commitment. By his standards at least."

"To tell you the truth, nothing happened back then", Cuddy replied, trying to figure out the meaning of all this.

"Well, it must have been something. Maybe just the reminder of a chance not taken", Stacy simply replied.

Cuddy smiled as the two of them had finished their conversation a few minutes later.  
The reason why Stacy and House hadn't worked out was exactly that:  
Stacy was a very wise woman.  
Wiser than she herself would ever be. However, she was the one stuck with House now and that called for desperate measures.

She picked up the phone again to call the towing company.  
Somehow they had to start communicating, and games had so far been the best way to reach him.

* * *

In the evening

House had taken a cab home.  
Cuddy had had his car towed, thereby obviously trying to get his attention, but he hadn't felt like communicating. It was too much work. With her anyway. If avoiding her had already been such a pain.  
He downed a glass of whiskey and sat down in front of his piano, playing the same tunes he had been playing for weeks. In different variations, but dedicated to the same person.  
With a cramp in his thigh he interrupted his play and leaned his head against the soft wood of the piano. With his eyes closed, facing a truth he was so desperately trying to deny.  
It had been easier, though when only one version of Cuddy had haunted him. But now it was two versions and the younger one was cuddly, pink and cute. And had his genes.  
He opened his eyes again.  
The past three days had been a useless display of their inability to stay out of a relationship. And of their inability to stay in it. At least now he could tell which of the two states hurt more.

He looked outside. The wind was taking down the first golden autumn leaves that looked like spots of sunshine on the gray pavement here and there.  
But it had stopped raining.

Fighting the dizziness the two whiskeys and Vicodins he had just consumed were causing he left his apartment, got on his motorcycle and drove to Cuddy's house.  
When he arrived it was already dark and House could see inside the brightly lit living room. However, the woman carrying Sophie around inside was not Cuddy.  
House looked around through the darkness, scanning the neighborhood for hints.  
Then he knew. His car had been towed from the hospital before, so he knew where she had to be: She was admitting her defeat.

Twenty minutes later his motorcycle came to a halt in front of the parking lot of a towing company where House immediately spotted his old Dodge. From there it only took him a second to find Cuddy, too. She was standing in the office of the parking lot, obviously to release his car.  
He hadn't taken the bait and Cuddy didn't have the nerve to keep up a good game.  
Because this was no longer a game.  
At least it was a game more serious than the ones they used to play, a game where losing was no option for either of them. And where they both knew how much they could get hurt. And hurt in return.  
To see Cuddy caving in so early made it clear to him that this was getting to her.  
She seemed tense and vulnerable as she was paying the clerk of the towing company. House noticed once more how her broken defenses brought out her natural sweetness.  
He watched her leave the office and for an instant she looked into the night, as if she could sense his presence.  
House ducked and kept watching her proceeding to her own car.  
A towing truck set itself in motion in a dark corner of the parking lot and moved towards House's Dodge.  
Cuddy sat in her car in silence, observing the towing truck and House wondered what was keeping her from simply driving away.  
Then, when she wiped her right cheek with the back of her hand he knew it.  
She had been crying.

House had seen enough. This was reaching a point of mere self-destruction on both sides.

A strong step on his pedal started his motorcycle and he drove off, clearing his head on an extended ride through the soothing darkness of a mild autumn evening.  
When he arrived at his place almost an hour later he found a towing truck delivering his car right in front of his door.

A glint in House's eye lit up. Up to this point House had always been the master of self-destruction. But he had now found his challenger in her.  
Which meant that this game was officially on.

* * *

The next morning Cuddy entered her office and almost dropped her coffee cup when she heard his voice announcing loud and clearly:

"I want my own CT."

She turned around and stared at him until she had gathered herself again.

"To regularly check if your heart is still there?" she then replied coldly, took off her coat and marched over to her desk where she safely put the coffee cup down.

House patiently watched her until she had taken a seat and was looking up at him, signalizing that she was now ready to hear whatever he had to say.  
There was no sign of any tears she might have shed over him and House almost doubted his own observation until he picked up on the marks on her coffee cup: She had ordered a triple shot Latte.

"Rough night?" he asked. But she ignored it.

"Are you serious?" she instead continued their initial conversation and he nodded.

"Of course I am."

They looked at each other, testing each other.  
Ultimately she shook her head and broke eye contact, not sure why he had punished her attempt to communicate with ignorance only the day before, but was now clearly starting one himself.  
In a much less creative way, she noted.

"No. You won't get it", she therefore neither left nor entered his game.

"Why not?"

This made her look up again. "Eh. Because?!"

House saw the challenging look in her eyes, her vulnerability had disappeared under the surface and she had her weapons ready and armed. So he went on.

"I have no time dealing with this Wiener guy who calls himself a Radiologist and always happens to be in a 'procedure' when my patients crash and need an emergency scan."

"Well, maybe that's because you've wrecked his CT three times before. In two years."

"Yah, but that's your problem, cause you run this place."

"I know. And I'm not giving you another CT you can break. Especially since our famous M&M patient died in a CT that **you** ordered."

"That **we **ordered", he corrected her, not willing to warm up their M&M discussion again.

Cuddy obviously felt the same. After a pause she lowered her voice.

"Plus I know you're using the quietness of the CT as your personal wellness retreat. And unless you're planning to kill yourself by radiation poisoning I don't see the necessity in a CT for the department with the smallest patient number."

"Yah, but we both know that it isn't about the size", he immediately replied and left the ring to prepare for round two.

* * *

Two hours later round two was ready to begin when Cuddy received a call from Dr. Wiener, her head of Radiology.

When she entered the waiting area in front of the CT preparation room she saw House giving a speech to the patients, wearing a lab coat, carrying a clipboard under his arm. She approached him, gave the patients an apologizing smile and pulled him away.

"What on earth are you doing?" she hissed.

"Increasing my patient number. To get a CT."

"You're not a Radiologist", Cuddy retorted.

"I can become one. I can look at fancy pictures. Fate has it, I do that online on a daily basis." Cuddy rolled her eyes as he went on. "And I'm pretty good at telling others how to treat their patients, only that I'm actually right. Plus I like sticking needles into people. And I like undisturbed sleep at night. See? I'm totally cut out for a career in Radiology."

Cuddy let him finish and gave him a languid smile. "House if you want my attention, find a different way to get it."

She turned away but he followed her.

"**I** want **your** attention? I'm not the one with the boyfriend at the NJ Towing Company. I'm also not the one with the cleavage, wearing no underwear."

House made sure he was loud enough to make the patients in the waiting area hear his every word.  
Cuddy felt the heat in her face and she knew she was blushing.  
Touché, she thought, and left the ring knowing there would be a third round.

* * *

The third round wasn't to begin until next day when Cuddy climbed up the steep stairs to the rooftop.  
Everytime she had to do that it was because of him and everytime she asked herself how he managed to climb these stairs when she had already trouble with that.  
Then again, he might have had a limp, but she was the one with the high heels.  
A self-satisfied smile rose on her lips when she found House where she had expected to find him. He was standing on the rooftop in full golf gear, swinging his club in preparation for his next hit. Cuddy's eyes fell on a bucket of water in which pink cotton balls were soaking. Next she saw a single cotton ball sitting on a tee on the edge of the roof. She turned her head to comprehend the trajectory of the cotton ball and found her suspicion confirmed.

"I got a call from our angry Radiologist. Again. He told me someone was throwing pink cotton balls into his office", she said as she was carefully balancing her way through the pebbles towards House.

"Then why does he leave his window open? Moron", House replied, fully concentrated on his next shot.

Cuddy watched him and was impressed when she saw that the cotton ball did indeed land inside Dr. Wiener's office. Through a window no one could close anymore.

"Because someone broke it", she then said and they looked at each other, both obviously amused.

House caught up on a placable glow in her eye that made his heart beat faster. She came closer, squinting against a ray of sunlight breaking through the clouds.

"I know Dr. Wiener is a pain in the ass. But he has nothing to do with this. And you've gotta cut him some slack, he's punished enough with the name of a cocktail sausage."

"He still needed a lesson", House retorted and avoided eye contact.

He knew what would come next, since she was now standing right in front of him. And that proximity without the promise of a touch drove him insane.

Cuddy allowed the breeze to clear her head for a moment and let her eyes wander over the hospital grounds she could so easily overlook from the roof.

They were all alone up here, unnoticed.

"House", she then started to make him look at her and almost flinched when she felt his eyes piercing her with the sharpness of a raptor sensing its prey. "We have to stop freaking out at any minor change in our lives if we ever want this to stop being so dysfunctional."

"I wouldn't call this child a minor change", he said, watching the movements of people behind the hospital windows.

"You were okay with the child. What you weren't prepared to though, was my lack of attention. And I wasn't prepared to your lack of commitment."

"Right, it's the lack of my 'commitment' that makes you dress like an aging hooker who is scared of running out of clients. Admit it, you're desperate for my attention as well."

For the fraction of a second the straightforwardness of his words threw her off course. "Oh stop being such a self-centered jerk. If there's anything that makes me desperate then it's you sneaking out of this without any explanation and leaving me in uncertainty of what is going on in that convoluted mind of yours. When have I given you the impression that I didn't want you in this anymore?"

House didn't reply, because he knew how childish it would sound. But that break gave her time to settle.

"So if I want your attention I just start pooping and puking all over you?" he asked.

"You're not cute enough to get away with that."

"Yah, but does that kid know the art of cunnilingus?"

In a reflex Cuddy hit him almost amicably. "Now, that's just gross. And sick."

She broke eye contact and sighed, knowing this was one of the few open windows in time when they were at least partially in sync.  
Therefore she picked her words carefully. "I need you to understand that nothing has changed between us."

"And that's where you're wrong. Everything has changed."

"Maybe **things** have changed. But **we** haven't."  
She paused before she continued in a low voice, as though she wanted to make sure no one would hear her.  
"I need you in this with me."

That made him look at her, almost in surprise.  
She crossed her arms as she felt the cold making her shiver.  
Or maybe it wasn't even the cold, but his warmth she was feeling standing so closely in front of him.

House took a moment to let her words sink.

"You should have told me that, then", he said.

She looked at him in disbelief. "What are you? Like 5? And I **have **told you that", she shot back.

House looked at her, the waggishness had vanished from his face. "When you were desperate. Sleep deprived. But you didn't trust me that I could do this."

The sincerity in his voice made him sound vulnerable. And it made her mouth dry.

I trusted you with the baby", she almost whispered.

"Yah. For six hours. A monkey could have done that job."

"I didn't know you wanted to be more involved."

"Even if you did, it wouldn't change anything. You're a crazy control freak."

"Ehm, can you blame me? You're putting pink cotton balls into a broken window from the unsecured rooftop of my hospital."

There it was again, the prankish twist around the corners of his mouth that made her spine tingle in anticipation.

"Yes. But I haven't missed once", he replied through a grim smile.

After that they remained silent. Each of them inhaling the woody smell of autumn, knowing they had found a way out of this miserable deadlock. At least for now.

* * *

On Saturday night House was sitting at this piano, again. Alone, in the dark, finishing one glass after another of his favorite brand of whiskey. Naturally he was playing the tunes that had turned into his theme, only today they sounded brighter.  
A soft knock at the door made House stop.  
He got up and opened to see her standing in front of him, looking so breathtaking that House was sure she had picked her outfit very carefully and only for this visit.

"What were you playing?" she asked in a tone that would have earned her millions on a sex hotline.

"The piano", House therefore simply replied. "Where's the pink pooper?"

"My mother's with her."

For an awkward moment she kept standing on his threshold waiting to be asked in. When he didn't ask she knew she had to give him more.

"House. I'm here to apologize. I know I have been an idiot. Not a bigger one than you usually are, but still."

Instead of replying he kept staring at her.

"Please, can I come in?" she finally asked and he stepped aside.

"Can't we for once try to handle this like grown-ups?", she continued. "I don't know why we always get into a fight the minute we start a conversation."

"I do. It's called foreplay."

Cuddy waited a moment to allow this joke to dissolve in the emptiness of a reaction failing to appear.

"I pushed you out and I had no right to do that", she then admitted. "I guess I was freaking out. Also it is easy to push someone out who's only halfway in to begin with."

They gazed at each other, not noticing that they were standing in the darkness of his living room with the door still wide open and the light from the hallway drawing golden shapes on the floor.  
Indeed, it was hard for them to apprehend, but they were having this conversation. Finally.

"It's fine", House accepted the apology, seeing that she was standing in front of him, unarmed and making herself completely vulnerable.  
Eventually, he closed the door behind him. "I'm familiar with that M.O. At least that's something we've always had in common."

"Yah, see how well that's been working out for us", she sarcastically returned before the phantom of a smile on her lips vanished again and left an expression on her face that reminded him of a girl asking her father for an extra portion of cotton candy on the fairground.  
Accordingly, there was a magical sweetness in her voice as she went on. "There is something between us House. And for some reason I can't stop believing that it's worth exploring."

"We have explored this. The result of which is causing you sore nipples. Among other things", he didn't know why but the room was suddenly closing in around them.

"House", she pleaded him to remain focussed.

"I get it, you want me to get more involved."

"Yes."

"I just can't promise you I'll be any good at it."

"Well, neither am I, I'm still struggling everyday", she replied and he could sense the oscillation of one single string of hysteria in her voice.

"Looked pretty routined to me."

"Yes, for now", she instantly answered and House was now sure that she was freaking out. Rather silently, but audibly to him.  
She went on, feeling the pressure being relieved. "As long as all I have to do is feed her, change her, put her to sleep I'm fine. But I know I'll make mistakes. And in its own twisted logic I need you there to keep this all healthy, to balance this. To keep me from turning her into one of those overeducated, spoiled superkids sharing a weird resemblance with Veruca Salt."

"So basically you want me to keep you from turning her into you?" he summarized.

She looked at him, intensely. Not knowing that he was drowning in her eyes just as much as she was in his.  
Before she drowned, though, she caught breath and took his hand.

"No", she then silently replied. "_I just…want…you._"

There. She had said it.  
It had taken her over fifteen years to do it and the words had felt incredibly wrong on her lips.  
And indeed, she had not used quite the right words, but the correct tone that had left no doubt what she had actually wanted to say.  
And now that they were out there, these words seemed to have the desired effect, regardless of the vocabulary she had used.  
Surprised at the simplicity of it all she wondered what she had been afraid of all the time.

Then the look in his eyes reminded her of it.

House felt the sweetness of her words going right through to the bottom of his soul where it translated into the sticky sugary feeling of something he had got to know as infatuation.  
And at the same time it smashed his brains out with the efficiency of the lemony fist of a vodka martini.  
As a consequence he only stood there and stared at her, naturally freaking out, scared to make one of his destructive moves.

Cuddy flinched at the absence of any reaction from him, which left her words dangling in the air until they finally got too heavy and shattered on the ground.  
She broke eye contact, preparing to give up.

"So. This song you were playing. What's it called?" she hoarsely asked after only seconds.

While she was looking away House approached her, sensing the light scent of her perfume.

"It's Sophie's Lullaby", he now almost whispered in her ear.

She looked at him again, surprised.  
Not just at the song. But at that "something" in between them slowly stepping out of its haze looking a lot like love.

"I like it", she stated.

For another long moment nothing happened. Still fixing each other's gaze, now both of them were freaking out on the inside, only knowing one way to answer this.  
His fingers were brushing over her arms: A short circuit to relieve some of the arousing tension building up between them.

"Why is it that we never have any problems when it comes to this?" she asked as she came closer leaning into the kiss that was lingering in the air filling only inches between their lips.

Not even expecting an answer she clenched her fingers into the fabric of his shirt and pulled him closer.  
In response he buried his hand in her hair and wrapped his other arm around her waist.  
That moment he noticed how much he had missed that.

Their lips met in a kiss so overdue that they hardly knew where to put their hands first.  
The need to feel each other made them stumble in their embrace, made him forget his pain, made them curse the civilized habit to dress.

* * *

When they parted half an hour later, panting and their lips numb they let themselves fall back in his bed, exhausted. In silence, they watched the invisible sparks spraying from the ceiling.  
Their little fingers touched gently and they got lost in their own separate worlds.

Cuddy froze at the thought that she might have been the dysfunctional one in this relationship. Did that mean she could have had this earlier?  
But a voice in the back of her head told her that it had always been a lot more complicated than that. And this was by far not the end.  
It was simply life's way of giving them a moment to catch a breath before it got rough again.  
Because their need for each other would always surprise them over and over gain, scaring them in its essence, pushing them apart to ultimately make them collide again.


	25. Six years

*wipes away a tear* I am sorry guys, but I guess that's it. I had to hurry getting this story finished because there's other things out there we all have to focus on every now and then. However, I really hope you've enjoyed this little trip back to this version of our favorite couple.

Stay tuned for more one shot fics in the future!

xoxo

* * *

VI. SIX YEARS

Six years later

The air conditioning had broken down and everyone in the hospital was holding on to something that might function as a fan, waving files, clipboards, books, even napkins, to get some relief from the summer heat.  
Cuddy herself could hardly breathe, her feet hurt, her dress no longer felt light and breezy, but like a hauberk with a floral pattern.  
She was talking to the maintenance team in the entrance hallway, that had just arrived to fix the air conditioning system.  
She got distracted when a tiny but familiar figure appeared in the doorway of the hospital main entrance.

"Sophie! What are you doing here?" she walked over to her daughter, leaving the maintenance team alone. Cuddy looked around for anybody who might have had accompanied her child. "Did you come from school all the way by yourself?" she softened her voice when she noticed that something was wrong.

It was the second week of school, Sophie's uniform was still brand new, nevertheless it looked wrinkly and was missing parts.

"That's okay, I took a cab", Sophie replied and looked at her Mom, waiting for her reaction, knowing she was in trouble. But she didn't care since her whole life had been trouble ever since her parents had made her go to school.

"Where's the rest of your stuff? Where's your jacket? And your bow?" Cuddy asked, trying to put all the questions popping up in her head in the right order.

"This heat is messy. I changed the dress code", her daughter simply replied.

She returned her mother's surprised stare with a look in her blue eyes that seemed to sum up all the worries a child at the age of six could have.  
Cuddy almost had to smile at the sight, wishing for the worries of a six year old to be her only ones, too.

"What's wrong sweetie?"  
Cuddy took her hand to take Sophie to her office.  
"Are you feeling sick?"  
She touched Sophie's forehead to check her temperature and then gently caressed her by letting her hand glide through Sophies soft hazel curls.

"No."

"Then what is it?"

* * *

Three minutes later the glass door to House's office flew open and in came a miniature version of Cuddy followed by the original. Both of them looking miserable.  
House looked up from the file he had been going through.

"School sucks", the miniature version of Cuddy stated.

"Fix this!" Cuddy hissed.

"Why me?" he retorted.

"Because I can't. I never had this. I loved school", Cuddy helplessly said. "Plus, I have to have this A/C fixed. It's killing me. And the rest of pretty much everyone in this hospital. Except maybe for Vijay, the janitor who seems to be from another planet."

"Yeah, a planet called India", he retorted, but before he could continue he got interrupted by his daughter.

"Dad won't make me go to school either", Sophie promised stubbornly and House smirked.

"You don't wanna bet on that, your Dad can do a lot of things", Cuddy replied with a pleading look in House's direction.

House leaned back in his chair. This kid was challenging him. And he liked challenges. Especially when they included blue eyes and brown curls framing a freckled face.

"That's right", he agreed with Cuddy and continued when Sophie showed no signs of surrender.  
"See that wrinkle between Mommy's eyebrows?"

Sophie turned around, checked her mother's face, where she indeed spotted a thin line she had never noticed before. With wide eyes she looked back at her Dad, who nodded self-sufficiently.

"I gave her that", he proclaimed.

"Yah, but I gave her a bruise on her shin last week", the little girl entered the challenge.

"And I gave you Sleeping Beauty Barbie's Castle, so watch your tongue, Sophie", Cuddy sharply interrupted the game and the girl looked at her grimly. "Now I know you're upset, but since you're not willing to talk to me you will have to put up with your Dad. Unless you have decided to return to school. In that case I'm more than happy to drive you."

Sophie pressed her lips together in rebellion.

Cuddy nodded wearily. "I thought so."  
With that she looked at House who was enjoying the scene more than he was willing to admit.

"Do something about this. Please", she begged and left the office.

Half an hour later House opened the door to Cuddy's office with a victorious smile on his face.

"She'll go. Today she wanted to tour the morgue. But tomorrow she'll go", he announced.

Cuddy jumped up from behind her desk. "You have **not **let her down to the morgue again. I told you she was too young for this."

"Sit down. She's with Wilson. Took her to the Pediatric Oncology ward."

"I don't want her playing with all those sick kids either", Cuddy replied and sat down again.

"Why not? Gives her a grip of reality."

"Or a depression at age 15. So. What did you tell her?" She gave him a curious look as he took a seat, too.

"Told her that she was right. That school is boring. And that most things in life are boring. But that it's about the accessories in life that make it less boring."

Cuddy snorted. "Like drugs and motorcycles?"

"Like sex with you", his voice trailed off and Cuddy noticed the usual increase in her heartbeat at the sight of the predatory glint in his eyes.

She chuckled hoarsely. "And you told her **that**?"

"No. I told her that only a good foundation in manners, education and culture would make her a decent person. And that only those would be successful in life. Successful enough to be able to afford the good stuff."

"Like drugs an motorcycles."

"Like Tofu and Manolo Blahniks."

Cuddy rolled her tongue in her mouth thoughtfully.

"You really think that of me?" she then asked, openly, not afraid of his answer, because he was the only honest person she knew. And she had got used to that.

"I wasn't talking about you", House deflected and they both indulged in the comfortable silence of a couple that had already fought every battle possible between to individuals.

"So?" She finally broke their moment of Zen.

"She'll go. Trust me", he replied, got up and headed for the door. Before he left he turned around and looked at her. "And you should wear that dress more often. Looks hot. Inappropriate. But hot."

Cuddy gave him an unimpressed look but smiled to herself the moment the door had closed behind him and he was out of sight.

* * *

The next morning a familiar car horn honked and broke the elusive peace of a family sitting at a breakfast table.

It had been one of those nights where House had stayed at her place. After which he always got up first to make breakfast for the two women in his life, a most unhealthy breakfast, but individually designed to meet each one of their needs: Vicodin, Alka Seltzer and a pop tart for him. Another poptart and cocoa, so thick the spoon could stand in it for Sophie. And strong black coffee and scrambled eggs with bacon for Cuddy. That she never ate the bacon would also never keep him from putting it on the plate, just to annoy her.

"It's Nan!" Sophie jumped from her seat at the sound of the horn and grabbed her lunch bag from the kitchen table.

"Nan" was their male nanny, who would take Sophie to school, pick her up from it and who cleaned the house and did the laundry in the meantime. Cuddy would never get used to the fact that all this lay in the hands of another person, even worse, a man. But then again, she had no choice. Her job was what made her a whole person. That was another one of the few things she and House had in common.

She got up as well and followed Sophie to the door, making sure she would take her gym sack with her.  
After a kiss and a hug goodbye she let Sophie go, ignoring the sting in her heart that would hurt with every separation from her child. Probably for the rest of her life as a mother.  
She was surprised to see that Sophie was smiling as she waved at her before getting in the car.  
That moment she knew something was fishy.

Back in the kitchen she could no longer hold herself back.

"Now, will you please tell me how you tricked her into going to school, happily", she asked and picked up her coffee mug from the table. Leaning back against the kitchen sink she looked at House.

"I bribed her", he replied casually and got up, too, taking the bacon from her plate to wrap his Vicodin in it. Cuddy watched him in mild disgust.

"How?" she asked when he had finished his 'breakfast'.

"Doesn't matter how. As long as she's going. After a while she'll get used to it. And once she realizes she kicks the other kids' asses in school she'll love it."

"You think?" Cuddy asked in disbelief, wrapping her hands around the warm coffee mug.

House, who had put Sophie's plate in the sink behind Cuddy, hesitated and looked at her.

"She's our child, isn't she?"

"Yes. I guess she is", Cuddy replied thoughtfully and watched him leave the kitchen to get ready to go to work.

"Oh. And by the way", his voice sounded from the hallway. "You'll play the hen in the annual Thanksgiving play."

Within the wink of an eye Cuddy was with him in the hallway, shoving herself between him and the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked her innocently.

"That's what you bribed her with?" She sounded hilariously shocked.

He shrugged his shoulders. "You know, children with parents involved in school activities usually like going to school better than those with parents who simply mind their own business."

Cuddy let out a laugh and headed for the phone behind him.

"You can't quit. They're probably already printing the festival program", he tried to hold her back.

"Oh, I'm not quitting", she retorted with a manic tone in her voice, her fingers dialing a number she had just memorized days ago.

"Then what **are **you doing?"

"Checking if the role for the rooster is taken."

He smirked and walked over to her. With a sophisticated twist of her arm that made her turn to him he had won the phone over, put it away and wrapped his arm around her waist.

"Care for a stubble rash on your you-know-what?" he mumbled in her ear with a throaty voice. But she freed herself from his embrace.

"Pig", she chastised him. "I've got a 9 am with Foreman. You know that."

"Speaking of pigs. Why are you still employing this moron?"

Cuddy leaned in towards him, while picking up her bag from the sideboard. "Question is: Why am I still employing you?"  
She left him standing in the hallway and proceeded outside.

"Now that's easy to answer", he said, following her into a hot summer morning. "Because I'm sleeping with you."

Cuddy subconsciously looked around if anybody in her neighborhood might be listening.  
Then she locked the door and turned away from him with a secretive, victorious smile.

"Well, a woman has her needs and you have to admit you have been in better shape before...", she teased him.

"Oh, come on. I know Foreman's not…" He frowned at her smile. "Are you trying to make me jealous?"

"No need to. You already are", she playfully declared and walked to her car which was standing right behind his motorcycle.

"No, I'm not", he played along childishly and put his helmet on. "And I've never been in better shape."

When she opened her car door their eyes met again and she smiled at him, the lightness of their banter already being forgotten.

"You've done well. Greg", she said slowly, holding her breath in the end, resisting the urge to blink not to break eye-contact.

House returned her look sincerely.  
She only called him Greg when it was important that he understood the message lying underneath.  
His throat went dry and he tried to deflect.

"Well, it was the usual roll in the hay. A little fondling here, a bit of tongue action …"

"With Sophie", Cuddy interrupted him forgivingly and he lowered his gaze.

"We're both doing okay, I guess", he then added a moment later and their eyes met in the silent dance of two complex souls for a last time before they parted.

Each one of them going their own way in the same direction.

* * *

('I know of only one duty. And that is to love' _- Albert Camus_)


End file.
